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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by smokeymadison on July 8, 2005, at 13:05:13
ok, so this is very embarrassing. i have a problem with my therapist b/c she is obese. there, i said it. i hate judging people, esp concerning weight issues b/c i am not exactly thin myself. but i am not obese.
two sessions ago her shirt was all caught up in her rolls of fat, and i could hardly look at her the entire session.
she is an excellent therapist, i am more stable now than i have been in years, but it is a problem. this might just be an OCD thing, i don't know. this is something i could never bring up w/ her, so what am i supposed to do exactly?
Posted by pinkeye on July 8, 2005, at 13:15:51
In reply to embarrassing problem with T, posted by smokeymadison on July 8, 2005, at 13:05:13
It is really upto you.
For me, if I really don't like someone's appearance at all, then I find it hard to work with them especially this emotional and intimate work. (But being obese is not an issue for me.). But I have to like their face (for me) - I don't mind about anything else - tall/short/dark/light/bald etc.. but I have to like the face of the person. Otherwise, I am not working with them irrespective of how great they are. And it is something I can never overcome..
So if you think you cannot really connect with her due to her obesity, then maybe find someone else and you don't have to worry about blaming yourself for being prejudiced. Or if you think it will become acceptable to you in time, and you are willing to wait, then wait for sometime and see if you become comfortable. Most of us stop noticiing the other person's looks after a few days. So maybe it will pass.
Posted by smokeymadison on July 8, 2005, at 14:16:23
In reply to Re: embarrassing problem with T » smokeymadison, posted by pinkeye on July 8, 2005, at 13:15:51
it is weird, but it didn't used to bother me at all. now it does. i don't know what changed. but i really wish it hadn't. so i don't know that waiting is going to do any good or not. i am willing to try and wait, i think, b/c she is very good.
Posted by antigua on July 8, 2005, at 14:34:57
In reply to Re: embarrassing problem with T » pinkeye, posted by smokeymadison on July 8, 2005, at 14:16:23
If it didn't used to bother you, but it does now, maybe you should bring it up with her. Maybe her obesity is triggering something for you now that you know her better. Ts have heard everything under the sun and I'm sure she's been faced with this issue before.
antigua
Posted by pinkeye on July 8, 2005, at 14:38:04
In reply to Re: embarrassing problem with T » smokeymadison, posted by antigua on July 8, 2005, at 14:34:57
> If it didn't used to bother you, but it does now, maybe you should bring it up with her. Maybe her obesity is triggering something for you now that you know her better. Ts have heard everything under the sun and I'm sure she's been faced with this issue before.
> antiguaWouldn't she be hurt though?? If someone says I am so obese and they are not comfortable looking at me, I will be really really hurt - irrespective of whether I am a T or not.
Maybe you can put it in a different way - that sometimes you get prejudiced with people by their appearance and you don't like to look at some people.. and see where that leads to.
Posted by GreySkyEyes on July 8, 2005, at 14:52:32
In reply to Re: embarrassing problem with T » antigua, posted by pinkeye on July 8, 2005, at 14:38:04
> Wouldn't she be hurt though?? If someone says I am so obese and they are not comfortable looking at me, I will be really really hurt - irrespective of whether I am a T or not.
>Hmmmm, I agree with pinkeye. I'm obese myself, and it would definitely hurt a lot to be told something like that. As it is, unsolicited comments about my weight really sting... what, do people think I'm not aware of it? She's certainly aware of it and possibly self-conscious. Either way, I'm sure her feelings would be hurt... I know we're not supposed to consider our Ts' feelings over ours, but still, this is the kind of thing that could irrevocably harm an otherwise good therapeutic relationship. Perhaps you could keep it more general? Maybe say that your perception towards her has changed and you're not sure why - this is true, as it didn't bother you before.
Posted by crushedout on July 8, 2005, at 15:00:35
In reply to embarrassing problem with T, posted by smokeymadison on July 8, 2005, at 13:05:13
i was just thinking about this the other day and i would have the same problem you're having. i'm very sympathetic to obese people, having had body image and food problems myself in the past, but we can't always help incorporating some of the culture's biases. this is a touchy area, but you also may wonder if her obesity is a symptom of a psychological problem she has (e.g., food addiction) and then wonder if that doesn't limit her ability to help you.
i think it would be very hard to bring up.
i, interestingly, have a very similar problem with my current T. she is extraordinarily thin and i worry/wonder that she has anorexic tendencies. personally, i think anorexia and obesity (to the extent it is a result of food addiction rather than simple genetics) are very closely related.
i actually think it might be worthwhile for both you and i to bring these issues up with our Ts and they should be prepared to deal with them, but i know this is easier said than done.
Posted by smokeymadison on July 8, 2005, at 15:19:45
In reply to Re: embarrassing problem with T » smokeymadison, posted by crushedout on July 8, 2005, at 15:00:35
she has told me that she has "a family propensity towards depression." when i got a call from her office once saying she was sick and that my appointment was cancelled, i couldn't help but wonder if she was simply too depressed to come in that day. the day that i was so uncomfortable, i think that there was something else going on. she had dark circles under her eyes and looked terrible. but at my last appointment she looked fine. so maybe it wasn't just her appearance that bothered me that day--maybe it was her attitude in general. something to think about.
Posted by crushedout on July 8, 2005, at 15:25:42
In reply to Re: embarrassing problem with T » crushedout, posted by smokeymadison on July 8, 2005, at 15:19:45
assuming your T is capable and you have a good relationship, you should be able to bring any and all of these issues up with her and if they're getting in your way at all, you really ought to.but like i said before, i know that's easier said than done and i certainly haven't brought up all of these sorts of things with my T yet. I hope to be able to, though. i think it's good to have basically *everything* out on the table. i'm not sure why, but it seems to be important and helpful.
Posted by Tamar on July 8, 2005, at 19:15:07
In reply to embarrassing problem with T, posted by smokeymadison on July 8, 2005, at 13:05:13
> ok, so this is very embarrassing. i have a problem with my therapist b/c she is obese. there, i said it. i hate judging people, esp concerning weight issues b/c i am not exactly thin myself. but i am not obese.
>
> two sessions ago her shirt was all caught up in her rolls of fat, and i could hardly look at her the entire session.
>
> she is an excellent therapist, i am more stable now than i have been in years, but it is a problem. this might just be an OCD thing, i don't know. this is something i could never bring up w/ her, so what am i supposed to do exactly?I think if it didn’t bother you before but it does now, there’s probably a reason. And that reason may be worth exploring in therapy. Nice people don’t like to be judgmental, but on the other hand, it’s often worth confronting our prejudices. If for some reason you’re having problems with her weight, you do need to find a way to tell her, for your sake, so you can explore it.
Do you feel this way about other obese people? If so, did it start at the same time as your feelings about your therapist’s obesity, or have you always had a problem with obesity? Can you pinpoint exactly when you started to feel uncomfortable about her obesity, and is there anything significant about the timing?
For what it’s worth, I think it’s very common for people to have problems with obese people. I’m well over 200 pounds myself and I’m aware that my weight is a problem for some people. But I only feel obese when I’m depressed or when I notice that someone else has a problem with it. I almost never feel hurt when people say things about my weight because I’m quite good at believing it’s their problem and not mine. (But I cry like a baby when people ask me how many months pregnant I am.)
I’m sure you wouldn’t be the first person to mention it to her. You can do it tactfully.
If you tell her you have something difficult to say and you hope she won’t be offended, and you know it’s your problem really but you’re concerned about her health… you can probably get into it gradually without too much embarrassment. If she’s a good T she’ll take it stoically and help you get to the bottom of it.Tamar
Posted by Jazzed on July 9, 2005, at 0:55:42
In reply to Re: embarrassing problem with T, posted by GreySkyEyes on July 8, 2005, at 14:52:32
> > Wouldn't she be hurt though?? If someone says I am so obese and they are not comfortable looking at me, I will be really really hurt - irrespective of whether I am a T or not.
> >
>
> Hmmmm, I agree with pinkeye. I'm obese myself, and it would definitely hurt a lot to be told something like that.I agree with pinkeye and Grey. I'm not obese, but I would think it better to find someone else to work with than to hurt this woman. That just would be so harsh, and perhaps would affect how she views you. If you are having such trouble, and it's okay to feel that way, I would look for someone you're more comfortable with.
Jazzy
Posted by smokeymadison on July 10, 2005, at 1:57:50
In reply to Re: embarrassing problem with T » smokeymadison, posted by Tamar on July 8, 2005, at 19:15:07
do you think that i might have a problem with my therapist's obesity b/c i have problems with my self image (related to my weight)? i was anorexic in high school and bulimic off and on for a few years. i haven't had any problems lately but i am wondering if i ever really got over my own weight issues. would that make sense?
SM
Posted by Tamar on July 10, 2005, at 4:29:25
In reply to Re: embarrassing problem with T » Tamar, posted by smokeymadison on July 10, 2005, at 1:57:50
> do you think that i might have a problem with my therapist's obesity b/c i have problems with my self image (related to my weight)? i was anorexic in high school and bulimic off and on for a few years. i haven't had any problems lately but i am wondering if i ever really got over my own weight issues. would that make sense?
>
> SMIt would make sense that your feelings about your therapist’s body could be related to your feelings about your own body. Did you have problems with other people’s weight when you were anorexic and bulimic? Is that what you think is the most likely explanation?
Sometimes problems we’ve dealt with can come back a little. If you think there’s any chance that your past feelings of poor self image may be re-emerging, then I think it’s very important that you tell your therapist how you’re feeling.
If, on the other hand, it just doesn’t feel right when you ‘try it on’ as an explanation, then it might be something else. Possibly something that comes from the time you were anorexic or bulimic but not so directly related to your own weight issues. For example, is there’s anything going on in your life now that makes you feel the way you did when you were a teenager and young adult? It might be completely unrelated to your body image but it could be bringing up complex emotions that you used to associate with your self image.
I only thought of this because I was quite upset recently about my failure to breastfeed my son and I thought it was connected to my ambivalence about my body. But I couldn’t understand why I was so upset about it now, when I thought I’d dealt with it. And then I realised it’s a problem now because of my feelings of failure at work and my fear that I could lose my job, which remind me of my anxiety about my poor performance at school at a time when I was attacked. So the real problem for me right now is my feelings about work but those feelings seem to be manifesting themselves in a recurrence of my feelings about several past events. Once I understood all that I was able to concentrate on the problems at work, which I’d been avoiding.
I hope that makes some sense. And I really hope you bring this up with your therapist, because I’m sure she will understand that there’s a reason why you feel that way you do, and that it’s not a criticism of her as a person.
Tamar
Posted by fallsfall on July 10, 2005, at 10:53:54
In reply to Re: embarrassing problem with T » Tamar, posted by smokeymadison on July 10, 2005, at 1:57:50
Particularly since your feelings seem to have changed recently, I would try to bring it up. You can apologize beforehand and say that if this wasn't a therapeutic relationship and if she hadn't TOLD you to be completely honest with her (which I assume she did tell you), that you wouldn't bring it up. But that you believe that the "rules" of therapy require you to talk about this. You can tell her that you think she is a really good therapist, and you don't want these new feelings to get in the way.
These things are really hard. Psych yourself up ahead of time, and don't allow yourself to chicken out when the time comes.
Good luck.
Posted by gabbii on July 10, 2005, at 16:16:43
In reply to Re: embarrassing problem with T » GreySkyEyes, posted by Jazzed on July 9, 2005, at 0:55:42
>
> I agree with pinkeye and Grey. I'm not obese, but I would think it better to find someone else to work with than to hurt this woman. That just would be so harsh, and perhaps would affect how she views you. If you are having such trouble, and it's okay to feel that way, I would look for someone you're more comfortable with.I think so too!
I don't know a lot about therapy but it just seems to me that they are people above all else and some things just HURT. I don't think it would be realistic to think that because they're a therapist they can take it. What if someone said "I don't like looking at you because I think you are ugly" Would a Therapist be expected to not be hurt by that too?
I don't mean *anything* against you Pinkeye at all, you are obviously very concerned about not hurting her feelings which is why you asked about it in the first place. I wanted to make that clear.
Posted by pinkeye on July 10, 2005, at 21:57:02
In reply to Re: embarrassing problem with T, posted by gabbii on July 10, 2005, at 16:16:43
Did you mistake me for Smokey Madison??
> I don't mean *anything* against you Pinkeye at all, you are obviously very concerned about not hurting her feelings which is why you asked about it in the first place. I wanted to make that clear.
Posted by gabbii on July 11, 2005, at 9:37:49
In reply to Re: embarrassing problem with T » gabbii, posted by pinkeye on July 10, 2005, at 21:57:02
> Did you mistake me for Smokey Madison??
>I did! Sorry. I knew I should have gone back to double check.
This is the end of the thread.
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