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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by looking4hope on June 26, 2005, at 22:06:00
it has dawned on my recently that i may be using medical problems as a way to look for attention...does this make any sense?
let me explain - for example, if i have an ache or pain, i'm quick to go to the doctor and it ends up with some type of surgery or physical therapy. whereas some people would just live with the pain and get better (or just live with the pain and not get better.)
i am very quick to go to the doctor and almost am happy if i have a real ailment. then it is something i can actually feel.
i can remember, even back to the time as a child, that when i woke up in the morning, if i had a cast/splint/stitches, that i was actually happy because i could actually feel something.
sorry if this is confusing, but i am having a hard time explaining myself right now.
on another note, i am one of those people that only post ever "so often" because i worry what other will think about me. but i must say, the things that are posted on here are VERY beneficial and i am very grateful for finding such a site!
Posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2005, at 22:35:39
In reply to looking for attention?, posted by looking4hope on June 26, 2005, at 22:06:00
Hey there. I think... I get what you mean. There is something reassuring about physical ailments especially ones that look bad or require casts or stitches or whatever because you can see and feel just what is wrong. There it is. And other people can see it too.
But with mental / emotional pain... What then? It is like when you bang your thumb or arm or something and it HURTS but there isn't anything visible - not even a bruise :-(
I used to hurt myself. A long while ago now. I hurt my legs. Really badly. There was something reassuring about the pain. It distracted me from the emotional / mental pain. The physical pain was there, grounding me in my body. Somehow it felt reassuring.
And the physical pain never went away.
And now I don't get the urge to hurt myself anymore.
I guess I don't need to...
Hmm.Sorry...
Bit of a ramble...
I know my thing is a bit different...
But I think it might be kind of similar so wanted to share.I think it might be attention.
When we are hurt we need attention.
When other people can see something visible they tend to give us that attention we need.
When they can't see anything wrong...
They tend to condemn us for being 'attention seeking'.
But attention seeking isn't bad.
It is just that some people find it hard to get the attention they need.
:-(
Posted by Jazzed on June 26, 2005, at 23:18:20
In reply to looking for attention?, posted by looking4hope on June 26, 2005, at 22:06:00
Well, it sounds like you've had very real illnesses, but I don't think it's so unusual to look for attention through medical care. When we're being attended to, we feel cared for. We get taken care of in some way, even if it's not through a "real" relationship.
Do you have a p-doc, a therapist, and are you on meds? Are you lonely? Maybe posting would help?
Jazzy
Posted by Dinah on June 27, 2005, at 8:20:37
In reply to looking for attention?, posted by looking4hope on June 26, 2005, at 22:06:00
I haven't found doctors to be overly quick to do surgery or physical therapy. If you really have something wrong, it's probably better to take care of it than to gut it out.
If you also enjoy being taken care of, that seems well within the range of normal as well.
Do you have trouble feeling things emotionally? If so, therapy can help a lot with that. And it's also great for making you feel cared for. And for finding out why it's important to you, and the various ways you can achieve that goal.
Because there's nothing wrong with enjoying feeling cared for when you're sick. But it would also be nice to have that same feeling without being sick. :)
Posted by pinkeye on June 27, 2005, at 14:24:43
In reply to looking for attention?, posted by looking4hope on June 26, 2005, at 22:06:00
I also have a tendency to do that - to fall sick when I want attention. My arthritis pain magically seems to shoot up when I need attention. And I have complained of everything - from breast cancer, to brain tumor to heart attack to nervous disorders to diabetes to osteoporosis to liver/kidny failure to multiple sclerosis..and I am leaving out many other things.. I have got myself worrying about practically all these.
Posted by looking4hope on June 27, 2005, at 20:33:01
In reply to Re: looking for attention? » looking4hope, posted by Jazzed on June 26, 2005, at 23:18:20
> Well, it sounds like you've had very real illnesses, but I don't think it's so unusual to look for attention through medical care. When we're being attended to, we feel cared for. We get taken care of in some way, even if it's not through a "real" relationship.
some i would say have been legit but others were aches and pains that most people just deal with but that i had surgeries for (ankles/knees/etc.)
> Do you have a p-doc, a therapist, and are you on meds? Are you lonely? Maybe posting would help?
no p-doc but i do have a T and on meds. i would definitely say that i am lonely...but i cause it myself because i am surrounded by some great people. it's more like isolation. i definitely agree with you though, posting may really help :)
> Jazzy
Posted by rabble_rouser on July 1, 2005, at 16:44:38
In reply to looking for attention?, posted by looking4hope on June 26, 2005, at 22:06:00
Hi looking,
Thanks for posting - the more people share the easier this all gets. As I am known to do, I've written a long post. I hope its helpful to you.
Its good to see someone trying to take this problem apart - understand it and try to solve it. I don't know if you have been in therapy (i.e psychological) but CBT has something called Approval Addiction (AA). This is my 'major malfunction'.
If you don't mind me wading in, I would suggest that you are experiencing something similar at a very gut level.
When I first went to my CBT therapist 2 years ago, he stated he felt my issue was AA. As you may be able to guess, this is when a person is literally addicted to the positive comments and attention of others. Equally, they crash when they get a neutral reaction, and they bomb when they get a negative.
They do not have the ability to generate happiness and love for themselves from within, and what's more they don't know how because THEY HAVE NEVER LEARNED TO DO IT FOR THEMSELVES. Just as most people arent born knowing how to do a triple back flip, people arent born knowing how to generate love for themselves - you have to learn. And if you never learn, the concept of self-approval is as alien to you as flying is to a snail - it just isn't in your experience! Suddenly I realised why I felt so damned different to everyone else!
Overcoming AA is particularly difficult because of this. You just aren't aware that there may be another way, and in fact you may (as I did) enter therapy hoping that "if I could just be cured then I would be cool, sophisticated and charming and everyone would like me/ worship me/ want to have sex with me/ love me".
Guess what. Big, fat, vicious circle.
The moment I felt better, I went out and tried to use all this new found confidence and social weaponry to make people see how great I was. But to quote Wayne Dyer (amazing motivational speaker - can get his stuff on limewire etc) , "Those who seek approval the most get the least - and those who seek it the least, get the most".
People will literally smell your need, and IT WILL PUSH THEM AWAY. Bubbye approval. Hello Depression.
So its a paradox huh?
To get it, you've got to not want it.
When I tried to get my head around THAT little riddle, it made me dizzy. Why would I try to get something I don't want? Why would I not want it when its just SOOO vital?
Why does this seem so impossible to someone with an approval addiction?
That's right - BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED THAT THERE WAS ANOTHER SOURCE - that happiness does not come from other people, and it never will. Now don't get me wrong - untold pleaseure can be derived from healthy relationships, ones that promote growth and mutual benefit. But the addict does not grow. They do not allow the other person to grow. If you do not have love inside of yourself, then you cannot give it to another. The first place love comes from is right inside of you.
Now this isnt a religious speil. Learning self-acceptance (which is different to, and I think more important than, self-esteem) is a long, hard battle. I personally have found few targeted therapy exercises for AA. "Feeling Good - The New Mood Therapy" has some good ones.
Let me take you through the process so far for me:
1) BELIEF: Basing my happiness on other's views of me WILL MAKE ME UNHAPPY.
2) BELIEF: Wanting others approval is the surest way of making sure I don't get it.
3) BELIEF: Even though at this moment I may not be aware that there may be an alternative, I WILL ACCEPT THAT THERE IS ANOTHER WAY I CAN FEEL CONTENT - I CAN GENERATE LOVE AND HAPPINESS FOR MYSELF. Even though someone might be responsible for making me this way, IT IS ONLY ME THAT CAN CHANGE IT, AND I CHOOSE TO FORGIVE AND LET GO MY GRIEVANCES TO ALL THOSE WHO MAY HAVE HURT ME.
4) Self-growth, learning new skills, furthering my knowledge, creating things, doing activities on my own (those that I would not have done in the past because someone else might not have wanted to) ... all these things started to give me a little buzz. I started to learn I could make MYSELF happy. Even from dumb stuff like washing up! :s
5) The little buzz grew. I started to become more aware of when I was approval seeking - and I would stop myself. FORCEFULLY make myself relax, lean back and stop 'grabbing' at that approval. Know what? People started 'leaning' towards me! I liked it. I felt approved of. Oh dear - a taste of the hard stuff again! Sh*t I'm an addict!
6) "This isn't gonna be so easy - just when I think I've cracked it, this paradox comes along again! How can I stop wanting approval, and just recognise it as a simple extra little treat? Just the icing, and not the whole cake?"
7) I started thinking about the whole of my life. All of my needs. I found it helpful to look at Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. Suddenly I realised that The Approval of Others is only one tiny little part of my life! A little square on the chart! Doh! I've been spending my whole life only working on that one need! No wonder I'm unhappy!
8) I made a chart in excel, and I scheduled things to do to hit all the other needs in my life. I am doing them.
9) Whilst it is still there, my need for others' approval is diminishing. In fact, I've even being going out and ACTIVELY SEEKING DISAPPROVAL. And blimey its fun! Sometimes the urge creeps up, and I have to try very hard to beat it down. But it passes.
10) Suddenly I'm not waiting to hit a target before I feel happy. Suddenly I'm not waiting for someone to say something good about me before I can feel that glow. I feel happy WHILST IM DOING all these things I'm doing. Is there a chance that happiness is not a destination, a target to be hit, but in fact the day-to-day route that you take?
So this is where I'm at right now. All this knowledge has been hard won, gleaned from many different sources and assembled from my experience. I'm still on the murky path, but at least now it feels like someone has given me a mag-lite and a packet of biscuits to keep me company...
Please do post if any of this makes sense for you - or actually if it makes none at all.
Blue skies
Ross
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