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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by spalding on June 23, 2005, at 10:51:18
Hi everyone.
I'll *try* to be succinct here, but I feel like a lot of things are happening and my thoughts are all over the place. Bear with me! :)
Both my pdoc and my T. say I'm making great progress. I've been with them both for 2 years, following my pdoc's diagnosis of BPD, which for me probably started around the age of 10. I grew up with a pretty lousy family and my T. says I "went through hell." Then it was wild, wild times -- very, very bad insomnia, periods of mania, periods of great depression (obviously) and various indescretions among other things -- for years until I got diagnosed at 35.
Some good things are happening. I have been taking Seroquel for quite a while, and my T. especially thought it was interfering with my cognitive functioning and was the cause of my weight gain. Now I'm tapering off of it and I'm losing a bit of weight and the writing I've been wanting to do is starting to flow again. These are things I have wanted.
(BTW, my T. and my pdoc work in tandem, so each one always knows what the other is doing and what the current issues are, and the medication issue was a big thing to my T. He worked with my pdoc who was reading about new research on Seroquel and they both came up with a plan for me.)
But I'm terrified of "happy." Have I ever been truly happy?-Doubt it. Most of all, I'm afraid both my pdoc and my T. will say I don't have to see them as often. (Truly terrifying - I have fantastic relationships with both of them. I could say a lot here but I won't right now.)I'm afraid that I'll just become a bland and boring person who will just skirt the surface of things and not have a rich internal life. I'm just afraid of so many things that might come with "happy". I've never been there. How do I know I'll like it?
Thanks for listening.
spalding
Posted by Tamar on June 23, 2005, at 13:28:07
In reply to Afraid of being happy? (longish), posted by spalding on June 23, 2005, at 10:51:18
Hi spalding,
I'm sorry to hear you've had such a rough time. But I'm glad your pdoc and your T are helpful and supportive. And it's great that you're finding the resources to write.
I can imagine that unknown feelings might be terrifying. If you haven't experienced much happiness I can imagine it could seem scary.
I suspect after everything you've been through, your T and your pdoc won't be in a hurry to kick you out. If you do start feeling happy they might want to keep tabs on you for a while, to ensure it doesn't become mania or revert to depression. Seeing a therapist less often should ideally be your decision, not the therapist's, though they might want to discuss with you how much support you need as you get better.
> I'm afraid that I'll just become a bland and boring person who will just skirt the surface of things and not have a rich internal life. I'm just afraid of so many things that might come with "happy". I've never been there. How do I know I'll like it?Are you afraid that your ability to write will be impaired if you become happy? If so, I suspect your worry is unfounded. I know there's a romantic imagine of the great writer (artist, composer, whatever) as a tortured soul whose demons drive his/her art, but I suspect that image is deeply flawed. Maybe some people can produce great work *in spite of* their pain, but probably not *because* of it.
As for being bland... I don't know that being happy would make you bland. And I definitely think it's possible to have a rich internal life as a happy person. I know the satisfaction I feel with my achievements when I'm happy is infinitely preferable to the terrible soul-searching I do when I'm unhappy.
I hope you find a way to enjoy happiness!
Tamar
Posted by pinkeye on June 23, 2005, at 13:40:08
In reply to Afraid of being happy? (longish), posted by spalding on June 23, 2005, at 10:51:18
I also have got confused with the same issue. When I feel happy, I feel terrified. But thankfully yesterday I read a book - Courage to Heal which actually validated the feelings. It seems lot of people have this problem when they have gone through lot of abuse in childhood.. When we are happy, and we immediately have to face an abusive situation and terrifying things just at the same time, our mind unconsciously equates happinesss with pain and suffering. So we start associating the two. I remember many days in childhood, when I would start to feel happy, and then immediately there would be a huge fight between my parents - and this repeated several several several days.. And no wonder I associate happiness with pain and suffering. Soething like that could have happened to you.
Posted by Jazzed on June 23, 2005, at 17:02:25
In reply to Afraid of being happy? (longish), posted by spalding on June 23, 2005, at 10:51:18
Good news for you about tapering off the seroquel and starting to write. I think the way you expressed your concerns seems like you have a great grasp on how you feel, and it wouldn't sound odd to express both the concern about being happy about being abandoned to both your p-doc and your T. You've been suffering for a long time, as your T has acknowledged, and surely the plan to get you on your feet couldn't be a short term plan? Seems worth asking what the plan is, and how long you can count on them to support you.
You asked how you know if you'll like happy? I don't know, I guess it's all relative. I'm "happy", and to my husband my happy would be depressed. He's very optimistic, and very rarely even the least bit down. His "down" to me might be my normal everyday mood, I don't know. We are both content in our lives. I guess you'll know what you like when you get there, and in the meantime I guess trying to stay in the present might help.
I'm glad things are looking up for you,
Jazzy
Posted by spalding on June 24, 2005, at 12:31:40
In reply to Re: Afraid of being happy? (longish) » spalding, posted by Tamar on June 23, 2005, at 13:28:07
Tamar, thank you so much. You've given me a lot to think about.
Interesting in relation to what you said, both my T. and my pdoc have recently mentioned that they want to see me happy, but don't want any good feelings that come up to lead to decreased sleep (big problem for me) and mania.
I am so encouraged by what you said about being happy and appreciating your accomplishments vs. the dark soul-searching. Thank you, thank you.
Lots to think about.
Posted by spalding on June 24, 2005, at 12:34:37
In reply to Being happy is really terrifying. have same issue » spalding, posted by pinkeye on June 23, 2005, at 13:40:08
pinkeye, yep, I can totally identify with what you said. My mom would often (often, often) take a good situation and make it into a negative one, for no seemingly good reason at all. Emotionally, the house I grew up in was very unstable and made worse by my parents wanting us to put on the "We're a Happy Family!" face all the time.
Yes, seeing happiness immediately linked to pain. Wise words. Take good care.
Posted by spalding on June 24, 2005, at 12:40:33
In reply to Re: Afraid of being happy? (longish), posted by Jazzed on June 23, 2005, at 17:02:25
Jazzy, thank you.
I've been thinking over the past few days about bringing up the fear of abandonment issue to both my pdoc and my T. I think I'm going to do it. It will be a big step for me because I have never delved into our relationships beyond, "Thank you, I'm so glad you're here for me and I appreciate it." They have sometimes said more, and all around we know that these relationships are special and really work, but a lot is unspoken. I have never addressed deeper issues like transference or these kinds of fears or anything. It will mean looking them right into the eyes and confessing...so it will be take a deep breath, deep breath, and jump (into the present)!
Do we have the same husband? :)
Thanks again.
Posted by spalding on June 24, 2005, at 12:43:32
In reply to Re: Afraid of being happy? (longish), posted by spalding on June 24, 2005, at 12:40:33
Posted by Jazzed on June 24, 2005, at 22:33:14
In reply to Re: Afraid of being happy? (longish), posted by spalding on June 24, 2005, at 12:40:33
> I've been thinking over the past few days about bringing up the fear of abandonment issue to both my pdoc and my T. I think I'm going to do it. It will be a big step for me because I have never delved into our relationships beyond, "Thank you, I'm so glad you're here for me and I appreciate it." They have sometimes said more, and all around we know that these relationships are special and really work, but a lot is unspoken. I have never addressed deeper issues like transference or these kinds of fears or anything. It will mean looking them right into the eyes and confessing...so it will be take a deep breath, deep breath, and jump (into the present)!
>
> Do we have the same husband? :)
>
> Thanks again.Aw, Spaulding, you're welcome. I'm glad you're here. I guess remembering that your p-doc and T have heard it all sometimes helps, still scary to say things, but better to say those nice things, than the bad stuff. I"m sure they will be touched by your sincerity. You are worthy of whatever you need from them, and I'm confident they'll feel the same way.
Good that we have wonderful, supportive husbands at home!
Keep us posted!
Jazzy
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