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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on June 21, 2005, at 14:53:16
Increasingly I am realizing more and more nowadays that my feelings about my ex T are not at all real. It is really all about my own projection.. It has nothing to do with him..
I have this desire to connect with someone like my dad and I just keep projecting it to my ex T.. I made a pseudo picture on top of my ex T and I keep liking that.. And more and more I am realizing that it is perhaps not what he is..
I somehow keep having a vision of someone who loves me a lot, but who is resisting that, who understands me very well, and wants to do good for me and guide me.. who wants to have a relationship with me, but who is confused himself, and tortured..and I keep imagining that this person breaks the resistance one day and admits his love for me.. This is the pciture that I drew on to my ex T.. And I am realizing that it is really about my dad that I am projecting..
All along I think I suspected my dad was deeply attracted to me - and I think he really substituted me for his wife figure for a long time.. He wanted to share everything with me, and wanted me to be his companion.. I think I also went along with that, and somehow figured that he would be my companion. I think that is the secret wish that my curent T keeps telling me that I have.. somehow I have a longing for a relationship with my dad. And I keep projecting that to men who fit into picture a little bit. And I think I just made my ex T into that role.. That is why I always think of him somehow breaking a resistance and somehow struggling himself.. I didn't realize it was not him.. But now I am realizing it..
Posted by sunny10 on June 21, 2005, at 15:30:26
In reply to My feelings about my ex T are not real at all, posted by pinkeye on June 21, 2005, at 14:53:16
sounds like your feelings, though projected, are very real.
That's a huge breakthrough you have there. The question is, what can you do to learn how NOT to "try to make everyone into who you want them to be".
I have the same issue to some extent. Not with my dad, specifically, but ANYONE who could possibly love me. An old T told me that I kept choosing men who didn't treat me as well as they should because I wanted to woo them into becoming someone who loved me. All because I was not loved as a child. I picked the wrong ones because I wanted to "change the ending", so to speak.
I wonder if you have done the same thing. Your father did some things that were emotionally abusive. So does your husband- only with your husband it has morphed into physical abuse as well.
So I wonder if you want to "change the ending", too. Switch it around so that you wind up with the father figure that you love who will love you so much that he will magically change into all of the right things your father was to you, and none of the bad things. It could happen, theoretically. But only if your hubby wants to become that man. Only he can change him. You can't. It is impossible to change someone else.
All of this does not mean that you're wrong to feel the way that you do. But it would be healthier for you to want to change (and from your previous posts, it sounds like you do).
Change is always hard. And there are always losses involved in becoming another person. Some relationships will fall by the wayside if the other person does not like or approve of the person you are becoming.
It doesn't HAVE to be an end for you and your hubby. But it might be.
Figure out the healthy good stuff about your father figure that you are searching for. Refuse the unhealthy bad stuff about what father figure stands for within you. Perhaps you need an older, wiser, gentle man who can love you like a daughter. But you definitely don't want one who emotionally or physically abuses you. And you don't want one that makes you feel uncomfortable in any way.
Good luck with all of this new stuff you have learned about yourself. I have no doubt that you are one who can make a silk pouch out of a sow's ear.
Posted by pinkeye on June 21, 2005, at 20:11:15
In reply to Re: My feelings about my ex T are not real at all » pinkeye, posted by sunny10 on June 21, 2005, at 15:30:26
How come you are so wise?
I really think I also do this changing the ending a LOT.. I keep trying to figure out how to change the ending I think. IT is almost like an obsession - to rewrite history and have it an happy ending.
I also really want someone older, gentle, and wise, with the good things about my father minus the bad things. And my husband is actually pretty good - excpet that he doesn't fulfill my dad fantasy, and I need that (perhaps to effectively rewrite history).. But I seem to not be able to stop this obsession about getting a father + husband combined into one. I think I am not able to take one without the other. :-) I have really tried to change as well - but I think I have reached my max capacity to change and I am stuck. I really want to fall in love with my husband and think of him and be loyal to him and somehow make myself get very attracted to him - but I am not able to .. becuase he is not like my dad at all. In fact he is the exact opposite of my dad. I think I kind of unconsciously married someone who is not like my dad - for fear of repeating the abuse. But now I find myself getting very attracted to people with qualities like my dad and I wonder how to stop that.
Thanks for your detailed post. It really helped me
> sounds like your feelings, though projected, are very real.
>
> That's a huge breakthrough you have there. The question is, what can you do to learn how NOT to "try to make everyone into who you want them to be".
>
> I have the same issue to some extent. Not with my dad, specifically, but ANYONE who could possibly love me. An old T told me that I kept choosing men who didn't treat me as well as they should because I wanted to woo them into becoming someone who loved me. All because I was not loved as a child. I picked the wrong ones because I wanted to "change the ending", so to speak.
>
> I wonder if you have done the same thing. Your father did some things that were emotionally abusive. So does your husband- only with your husband it has morphed into physical abuse as well.
>
> So I wonder if you want to "change the ending", too. Switch it around so that you wind up with the father figure that you love who will love you so much that he will magically change into all of the right things your father was to you, and none of the bad things. It could happen, theoretically. But only if your hubby wants to become that man. Only he can change him. You can't. It is impossible to change someone else.
>
> All of this does not mean that you're wrong to feel the way that you do. But it would be healthier for you to want to change (and from your previous posts, it sounds like you do).
>
> Change is always hard. And there are always losses involved in becoming another person. Some relationships will fall by the wayside if the other person does not like or approve of the person you are becoming.
>
> It doesn't HAVE to be an end for you and your hubby. But it might be.
>
> Figure out the healthy good stuff about your father figure that you are searching for. Refuse the unhealthy bad stuff about what father figure stands for within you. Perhaps you need an older, wiser, gentle man who can love you like a daughter. But you definitely don't want one who emotionally or physically abuses you. And you don't want one that makes you feel uncomfortable in any way.
>
> Good luck with all of this new stuff you have learned about yourself. I have no doubt that you are one who can make a silk pouch out of a sow's ear.
Posted by sunny10 on June 22, 2005, at 8:16:40
In reply to Re: My feelings about my ex T are not real at all » sunny10, posted by pinkeye on June 21, 2005, at 20:11:15
I'm not sure if someone CAN fall in love with someone who degrades them with words and fists...
I think it's perfectly normal that you fantasize about a better life; a better man.
Who wouldn't?
This is the end of the thread.
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