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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by thewrite1 on June 15, 2005, at 12:00:30
I've had quite stressful run of thing lately. The gist of it is that my MIL cannot accept that it's not her place to make decisions regarding my son. I've been doing battle with her since he was born. The whole thing came to a head when we had a screaming match over the phone last week. She yelled at me first. I was perfectly calm and reasonable until then. When she told me it was my fault my son wasn't walking yet, that's kind of when I hit the roof. We're currently not speaking and I won't speak to her until she apoligizes, which may never happen and that's fine with me.
This all happened on Thursday and I wanted to call my T, but it was late and I thought I could wait. We usually meet on Sat, but she was unavailable through the weekend. We had arranged to have a phone session Monday morning. I figured I'd just hold off until then despite the degree of stress I was feeling.
So session time came and went and my T didn't call. I left a message on her voicemail explaining that I thought we'd had a session scheduled. She has a tendency to forget phone sessions, so I just don't even take it personally anymore. However, she usually gets back to me pretty quickly after I leave a message for her. Three hours later I still hadn't heard anything. I called her home office. Nothing. I called her cell. Nothing. I called the operator and asked him to locate her. He was unable to do that, but left a message for her telling her I had an emergency and to call me.
By this point, I was convinced she was either dead or dying. I was so stressed out to begin with and then this. I couldn't keep food down, I was just sick. Finally at nearly 6 PM she called me and I immediately asked her if she was okay. I don't know if freaking out thinking something had happened to her qualified as an emergency, but it felt like one to me.
She told me she had 20 minutes she could talk and explained that her aunt had died and that's why she forgot about our session. She wasn't the least bit apathetic that she'd forgotten our call. I only got half a session, and she made no offer to called me at a later time. I'm trying to tell myself that she's dealing with her own stuff, but I guess it's just happening at a bad time for me. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or what. I just feel blah. Thanks for listening if you made it this far.
Posted by Shortelise on June 15, 2005, at 13:33:16
In reply to Stress and T stuff, posted by thewrite1 on June 15, 2005, at 12:00:30
Write1, argh.
MIL never seem to like the woman their son loves. I think they see us as having stolen him. She was for many years the most important person in their lives. A little while after that, along we come and take that coveted place. Some MIL's never seem to get over that.
It was very unkind of her to tell you your son isn't walking because of you. I don't know how old he is, but obviously it's something you are worried about and sensitive about, and she is being very insensitive. My MIL is ok, but my MOTHER drives me insane and I sometimes have to tell her there is someone at the door, or the neighbours alarm is going off, or something like that to quikcly get off the phone before I explode. I would nver yell at my mother - we don't DO that, we keep pure emotion out of things at all times. But I am sometimes tempted to say some things I see as true that would knock her down.
ANYWAY! I have talked with my T about the times with my husband where we reach an impasse and it's often at times when I need him to be strong, and he needs me to be strong; when we need each other and neither of us is fit to be there for the other in the way s/he needs. Do you see what I mean? I hope so.
It sounds like your T needs not to be needed for a few days. Imagine that her mother is strongly attached to the deceased aunt, that she is experiencing terrible drama in her own life, and that she continues to care about you, but needs her energy for herself and her loved ones. Ah, there it is: those damn T's are human, the jerks!But of course, so are we, and when our support isn't there when we need it, well, eeeeeeeeeek!!Can you give her a break? She might have been able to handle things better ... ok - she really *could* have handled things with you better - and her failure to do so could simply be an indication that she is super-stressed. Could you gently tell her that what you would need from her if something like this were to happen again. Whatever it is - a quick phone call, some reassurance, a promise to call to make an appointment - could you ask for it? I would be so tempted to accuse, how could she abondon me like that, leave me sick with worry? You know how - she was in crisis in her own right.
OK! I'll stop telling you stuff you already know! I guess I'm just reminding you. I used to get into this head-space where I felt my T was my mother, the centre of my univers, and I felt I shouldbe the centre of his. While I needed this from him, he was pretty good at it, I must say, but when he screwed up, it felt like the world fell out from beneath me.
Hugs, Write1.
ShortE
Posted by pinkeye on June 15, 2005, at 13:50:36
In reply to Stress and T stuff, posted by thewrite1 on June 15, 2005, at 12:00:30
If her aunt had died, that is an extremely reasonable excuse for not being able to concentrate. I would say don't hold it against her.
Posted by pegasus on June 15, 2005, at 14:59:15
In reply to Stress and T stuff, posted by thewrite1 on June 15, 2005, at 12:00:30
Well, yes, it's understandable that she might need her resources for her own crisis. But I also think that she really might have acknowledged that her missing your phone session was hard for you, even if she did have a good reason. I mean, you were fantasizing about her being *dead* or hurt or something. And you are supposed to go to her for support for your own crises after all. It's not as though you were imposing on her by having a session scheduled.
But, then, we all sometimes fail to behave ideally when things are going badly around us.
Hang in there. I'm sure you two will work things out. And I'm really sorry about your MIL. That was a rotten thing she said to you, and I hope she really regrets it . . . at least eventually.
pegasus
Posted by thewrite1 on June 15, 2005, at 15:05:28
In reply to Re: Stress and T stuff » thewrite1, posted by pinkeye on June 15, 2005, at 13:50:36
Oh no, I'm not holding it against her. I just feel that she's unavailable to me at a time when I really need her, through no fault of her own. I could call her and leave a message saying that I need to talk again or something, but I won't do that knowing what she's going through. It's just bad timing. Two weeks ago it wouldn't have made a difference in the world to me. I'm just sad that she can't be there for me AND for what she's going through. That's all.
Posted by Jazzed on June 15, 2005, at 16:41:58
In reply to Stress and T stuff, posted by thewrite1 on June 15, 2005, at 12:00:30
Sorry that your MIL is so difficult. How does your husband handle it? Does he fully support you? How old is your son? You certainly don't need your MIL saying things like that to you, I don't blame you for being angry and not talking to her. If she has concerns there are better ways to express them, like offering to help in some way, not criticizing you.
I"m also sorry you felt let down by your T. I can understand her situation, but if she just rountinely forgets phone sessions, then maybe that's something she needs to address. It's hard to build trust when you're being forgotten.
I hope all of this gets better for you.
Jazzy
Posted by happyflower on June 15, 2005, at 17:11:43
In reply to Re: Stress and T stuff » pinkeye, posted by thewrite1 on June 15, 2005, at 15:05:28
You know in any other business if a professional misses an appointment, it is really bad for business. To me, the death in the family is no excuse for her (or a secretary) not to call you and cancel the appointment and explain that she had a family emergency and is unable to keep the appointment. She shouldn't be forgeting any kind of appointments ever, clients depend on them, and in my oppinion, she is acting unprofessional if she forgets. But I do understand if she feels like she can't be there for you right now because of her personal problems, but she should of rescheduled you for a time that she feels she can pull herself together. Like later that day or the next.
Now as far as you MIL goes. She is out of line and sounds just like my MIL. I wouldn't talk to her if she behaves like this. Are you married? If so, I would let your husband deal with her. How does he feel about what she is telling you? He should support you first. I am so happy that my MIL moved out of state 9 months ago. She was such a pain and was so jealous of my husbands love for me and our kids. Nothing was ever enough for her and she depended on everyone to make her happy because she didn't know how to make herself happy. She is 84 and still won't kick the bucket. I think she is staying alive so long because she is just too mean to die. lol She is one of the reasons I am in therapy today. Well I hope you can talk to your T soon and feel better. I hope she says she is sorry for her unprofessialism. Good luck. And by the way you have a right to feel angry or sad what your T did, she was wrong.
Posted by thewrite1 on June 15, 2005, at 23:24:51
In reply to Re: Stress and T stuff, posted by happyflower on June 15, 2005, at 17:11:43
Thanks to everyone for your responses. It has taken a very long time, but I think my husband is finally starting to see his mother for who she is. He hasn't always been supportive where his mother is concerned, but this time he is.
As far as my T goes, she's never done anything like this in all the time I've been seeing her, which is nearly four years. I know she must be going through a rough time. There's part of me that wants to address it when we talk again, but I guess I'm afraid. Addressing problems is what got me to this whole stressful place to begin with.
I wanted to send a card to my T. I decided against it because she told me before that she has to file anything I send her with my records. I found a way around that tonight. I went to Hallmark.com and had a card sent to her. I just signed it, "a client that cares." She can't file it if she doesn't know who it came from.
Posted by daisym on June 16, 2005, at 0:32:12
In reply to Re: Stress and T stuff, posted by happyflower on June 15, 2005, at 17:11:43
Things sound really rough...I'm sorry for that. I think that you have a good handle on the "why" she acted as she did and I'm sure you can do the whole song and dance about her being human, having a life, etc. etc.
I think at the end of the day, the truth is that your feelings were hurt and there was this huge disappointment that she couldn't be there for you the way you needed her to be. After all, you held stuff and waited to talk to her. And all that upset had to go somewhere, otherwise you'd explode!
It is really hard when we run head long into the limitations of therapy and our therapist. I think sometimes we are very much like ShortE described -- little children who need to be the center of their mother's universe. We learn to tolerate it when we aren't, but it is a painful process.
Timing, as they say, is everything. I'm sorry the timing on this was so lousy. Falls is very fond of telling me that we learn a lot from these "theraputic opportunities." I tell her there should be an easier way.
Hang in there.
Daisy
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