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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 5 to 29 of 29. Go back in thread:
Posted by pinkeye on June 1, 2005, at 19:51:51
In reply to Re: Btw, I got some closure I needed from my new T, posted by happyflower on June 1, 2005, at 19:22:08
Thank you HappyFlower. Yeah, she is a pretty good T. She understands me very well all the time. She is very unemotional usually even if she understands but today was an exception. I think she understood that I badly needed some validation, and she gave it to me. I am happy.
Posted by pinkeye on June 1, 2005, at 19:52:11
In reply to welcome back (nm), posted by sleepygirl on June 1, 2005, at 19:35:12
Posted by JenStar on June 1, 2005, at 20:03:04
In reply to Btw, I got some closure I needed from my new T » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on June 1, 2005, at 19:09:29
Yah! That's awesome! :) I'm so glad that your T said she likes you, and agrees that your ex-T didn't know you well enough. That's a HUGE validation for you! I'm happy for you!
And of course, we here like you too. :) Welcome back!
JenStar
Posted by pinkeye on June 1, 2005, at 20:16:42
In reply to Re: Btw, I got some closure I needed from my new T » pinkeye, posted by JenStar on June 1, 2005, at 20:03:04
Thanks Jenstar.
I am glad to be back too.Yeah, I was surprised myself when I started crying when she said she liked me. I didn't realize how much I needed that from someone who understood my way of thinking.
And I am beginning to realize that my exT missed out on a huge part of me. He probably missed seeing the insecure, confused, hurt, tortured and conflicted and childish, rejected and sad part of pinkeye.
Posted by Jazzed on June 1, 2005, at 22:24:54
In reply to Btw, I got some closure I needed from my new T » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on June 1, 2005, at 19:09:29
> Today I had a session, and after talking for a long time, I asked her suddenly "Do you like me?". And she said, "I like you". And I started crying and sobbing. And she said that she usually doesn't answer this question - because it could mean lot of different things and she usually tries to understand why the person is asking this question. She said she understood that what I was asking was, if I was an ok person basically. If I am likeable. That I didn't mean it in any other way. And I started crying, and I told her that this was the validation I wanted from my ex T again and again. That this is the same exact reason why I kept asking him again and again if he liked me - to let me know that I am on ok person basically. And the one that he refused to give me. I told her, that my ex T probably thought I was asking him the question in a sexual way or trying to flirt with him while I was merely asking to validate me as a person. She agreed. She thought the kind of limited interaction that I had with my ex T was probably not enough for him to understand me fully. Or where I was coming from when I asked the question. Or to understand the nature of my transference and my feelings. She said no body could ever udnersatnd a person fully in limite number of emails and so limited interaction. She said that we had much more intense work done because we had seen each other lot longer and spent lot of time face to face.
>
> So that helped me a lot. I think this is the kind of validating I kept asking my ex T. And he failed to see that I was asking for some very basic validation as a person. And I think lots of miscommunication happened because of emails and not being able to write properly.She's a keeper pinkeye. I think a lot of good work can come from your alliance with this T. Hang in there, and I'm sure good things will happen. I'm sure learning to trust all over again will be a hurdle, but it will come.
Jazzed
Posted by Shortelise on June 2, 2005, at 1:03:00
In reply to Btw, I got some closure I needed from my new T » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on June 1, 2005, at 19:09:29
Pinkeye, I am so happy for you. You really deserved to hear that from your T.
((pinkeye))
ShortE
Posted by Tamar on June 2, 2005, at 3:51:26
In reply to Btw, I got some closure I needed from my new T » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on June 1, 2005, at 19:09:29
Hi Pinkeye! It's good to see you back. I'm glad you had a good vacation. Canada's pretty great, eh?
I'm so glad your T validated you like that, and that she understands you. You are a wonderful person. I’m really happy you got that from her, and that you have a bit more insight into the communication problems with your ex-T.
I think you really needed that from your T. I’m delighted she said it.
Tamar
Posted by Susan47 on June 2, 2005, at 9:01:40
In reply to Sorry I disappeared without letting anyone know, posted by pinkeye on June 1, 2005, at 18:53:42
This is interesting, Pinkeye. Because you've said for a long, long time that there's no point in going into it anymore, there's no point in analyzing etc etc. But you keep saying that over and over, and you're coming back to it again and again, and I'm thinking that is not the case, there must be a point, there must be a need, you're not getting the resolution you desire because it's still there.
Posted by Susan47 on June 2, 2005, at 9:05:57
In reply to Re: Btw, I got some closure I needed from my new T » JenStar, posted by pinkeye on June 1, 2005, at 20:16:42
Either he missed seeing it or maybe he wasn't willing or able to. It's a fact a life, I guess, that we're not going to be appreciated and understood by everybody, and it really hurts if we go looking for that and don't find it. I'm happy your present therapist was straightforward and direct in answering your question, Pinkeye.
Posted by pinkeye on June 2, 2005, at 13:20:47
In reply to Re: Btw, I got some closure I needed from my new T » pinkeye, posted by Jazzed on June 1, 2005, at 22:24:54
Thanks Jazzed. Yeah, I think my T is pretty smart in emotional understanding. I do trust her and like her and I tell her everything.
Thanks.
Posted by pinkeye on June 2, 2005, at 13:21:12
In reply to closure from my new T » pinkeye, posted by Shortelise on June 2, 2005, at 1:03:00
Thanks ShortE. I really needed to hear that. And I am glad too.
Posted by pinkeye on June 2, 2005, at 13:23:59
In reply to Re: Btw, I got some closure I needed from my new T » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on June 2, 2005, at 3:51:26
Thanks Tamar. Canada was awesome. Especially the niagara. Never seen anything so beautiful before.
Thanks for your understanding. I was happy too when my T said that she liked me. I really needed someone to understand my pattern of thinking and validate me.
I don't think my Ex T was wrong either.. His style and his culture and his approach has always been different. He is more of a life coach kind of person. And both have its advantages and disadvantages. If not for him, I wouldn't have turned out to be a good person. I would have been very selfish and self centered.
Posted by pinkeye on June 2, 2005, at 13:25:53
In reply to Re: Sorry I disappeared without letting anyone know » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on June 2, 2005, at 9:01:40
True.. I have said this over and over again right? And I think what you have said is right.. There is some need still unresolved, that is why I am kind of coming back to it again and again. But the intensity of rumination has been decreasing little bit after the understanding that I got about my relationship wiht my father and my projection of it on to my exT. I think it has to do with our basic style of thinking. Some of us never give up unless we fit all the pieces together, but some of us seem to be able to leave it and move on.
Posted by pinkeye on June 2, 2005, at 13:27:12
In reply to Re: Btw, I got some closure I needed from my new T » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on June 2, 2005, at 9:05:57
Thanks Susan.
Plus I also have to say that I did mean it in a slightly sexual way with my ex T. I was not as innocent as I was with my current T. And I would have interpreted what he said as I wished. Maybe that is why he refrained from it. It was probably a no win situation anyway he said it.
Posted by Susan47 on June 2, 2005, at 23:05:16
In reply to Re: Btw, I got some closure I needed from my new T » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on June 2, 2005, at 13:27:12
You're letting him off the hook too easily, the way I can't let mine off. Because they're paid to handle this and handle it well.
Posted by Susan47 on June 2, 2005, at 23:10:55
In reply to Re: Btw, I got some closure I needed from my new T, posted by Susan47 on June 2, 2005, at 23:05:16
I don't for one second believe that it's a no-win situation. We're talking about two intelligent, sensitive people here. Things can be spoken, feelings can be elevated, they need not be base, neither you nor I need feel as though we're inadequate, if there is enough skill on the part of the professional. The professional should not have to sacrifice anything of him or herself. Like I've said before, therapy has a long way to grow. I truly believe that. Human beings have a lot of growing to do in love. Love is more than family, it's more than lovers, it's more, much more. Therapists are humans who've chosen to teach us how to live effectively; there's nothing more effective in life than knowing how to love others freely. But, I could be full of it.
Posted by pinkeye on June 3, 2005, at 0:07:38
In reply to Re: Btw, I got some closure I needed from my new T, posted by Susan47 on June 2, 2005, at 23:10:55
I think your situation and my situation have been very very different. I cannot ever blame my ex T. Now I realize he might have missed out on some parts of me, but still I don't blame him. He really did his best and I couldn't have asked for more from him.
My situation has been completely and totally different. I did email therapy - and it was a very very wrong choice. He tried to let me go several times in the last 2 and a half years.. he asked me several several times to go and visit someone in the US since he couldn't help me much sitting 20000 miles apart. I didn't go to anyone. And instead kept depending on him. Email was really the culprit.. How much can he write? And how much could I write? It was not enough. And words don't convey the meaning and emotions clearly at all. Not in such a limited amount of writing.
Plus his style, his teaching in my country are really radically different from the US style. In my country they don't even talk about childhood - not even a little, and they don't really focus on feelings and understanding and changing that etc. It is all about controlling your behaviour and maybe to an extent thinking and controlling your actions. That was what he was taught. The extent he helped me was way above any psychiatrist from my country could have done. I have read articles and Q & A s by many other Indian psychiatrists - they are mostly completely worthless and don't have too much of a clue of anything. Mine was one of the best in in my country. I don't blame him for not knowing this regressive therapy which he is not taught in his college, which he doesn't practice - which nobody practices in my country. His continuing to support me through emails was way beyond my expectations.. I couldn't have gotten it from anyone else in my country. So you have to take all these into account before asking something out of a person.
I would have probably judged him little differently if he had been trained in the US and had been practicing in the US and if I were going and doing face to face therapy with him. The emphasis in my country is totally totally different.
There were several several reasons why I ended up feeling bad and inadequate - and I don't think my ex T had any part to play in any of it. It is my way of thinking that has been the main cause. And I make a mess out of every relationship with men - not just him because of my problmes with my father. Nothing is ever enough for me - no matter how good the other person is. And it is the same thing that I replayed again with my ex T. Even though he was very good, I got hurt - just as I do with everyone else.
Posted by Susan47 on June 3, 2005, at 17:05:13
In reply to Re: Btw, I got some closure I needed from my new T » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on June 3, 2005, at 0:07:38
Some elements are alike between our situations, some are different. What I see as being alike, for one, is the fact that your therapist asked you to see someone else for a long time .. mine kept asking me what I wanted to do in therapy, what did I want from him, stuff like that. He seemed frustrated and withholding. In effect I knew I should be seeing someone other than him, I don't know why but I always felt it was wrong, I shouldn't be seeing him this way. I immediately took him into myself, spiritually speaking .. if there is such a thing as spirit. Maybe mentally.. you know that myth about soul-mates? I don't believe in that stuff. I think maybe what happens is you find someone you recognize as being fulfilling to your soul. He was that, for me. The frustration of not being able to ever have that almost .. well it felt like it was killing me. Is that transerence, misplaced identification? It didn't feel real, but it was real in my spirit, still is, it's so frustrating this way of being. Yet, some of this had some of the attributes of my first really destructive, damaging relationship, and everything bad about that was brought back. Oh, dear. I've digressed. I'm so sorry.
Yes, there are a lot of differences.
Posted by Susan47 on June 3, 2005, at 17:15:17
In reply to Re: Btw, I got some closure I needed from my new T » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on June 3, 2005, at 17:05:13
I just took responsibility for my own pain, well not always, certainly, but a lot of the time I was causing myself the hurt. I was living the way I'd been taught to think of myself as a child.
I've lived that way all of my life. Until today, and yesterday ... and, I hope, tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow ...
Posted by pinkeye on June 3, 2005, at 17:35:47
In reply to Re: Btw, I got some closure I needed from my new T » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on June 3, 2005, at 17:05:13
I identify with your post - especially the part about somehow it being fulfilling. I also used to think that - that somehow I felt very peaceful to talk to him. Maybe not even peaceful, but kind of at home. I think that was the hardest part to let go of. I felt he understood me.. but maybe I was wrong. Maybe he didn't really understand me.
But maybe that is because I had the transference about my dad towards my T. Maybe what he spoke sounded like what I have heard from my dad all my life. But in a very big way, they are both different and I knew it from the beginning as well. My father was all about being selfish and arrogant and he thinks he is the king of the world and he knows everything. And he is possessive and jealous and insecure. But my ex T was none of that.
But in real life, I don't really like people who are not childish and innocent. I really only like people who are very childish and innocent. And my ex T was not childish at all. And he was not innocent. So I wonder if I would have liked him if I had seen him as not a T.
Posted by Susan47 on June 4, 2005, at 17:56:18
In reply to Re: Btw, I got some closure I needed from my new T » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on June 3, 2005, at 17:35:47
Hmm. In my mind, that depends on how you think of "childish" and "innocent". A person can be very worldly wise, and have an innocence about being open to new experience, new ways of thinking, feeling, and being. And that is very beautiful.
A person can be extremely mature and capable, and yet have wonderful child-like moments, times of enthusiasm and goofiness.
That's also very beautiful.
So you see beauty in people, don't you? This childishness and innocence, they have different contexts. Your therapist could have been all those things, balanced out in a way you were very attracted to.
Posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 11:51:58
In reply to Re: Btw, I got some closure I needed from my new T, posted by Susan47 on June 4, 2005, at 17:56:18
That is a very good explanation. I always associated childishness and innocence with explicit childishness - being naughty and funny and cute and innocent - actually very childish mannerisms. But I guess what I actually was looking for was some sort of good view of life. Thanks for the clarification.
Posted by Susan47 on June 5, 2005, at 13:12:34
In reply to Re: Btw, I got some closure I needed from my new T » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 11:51:58
..when it's always you who've helped me, that's how it feels.. thanks for saying that. But you know, I'm curious about how your feelings for your husband are changing, and what you feel is the reason for that, have you said that already?
Posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 13:36:09
In reply to Hee-hee, I can't believe I actually helped you.., posted by Susan47 on June 5, 2005, at 13:12:34
You have helped me a lot many times.
My feelings towards my husband are changing because he is changing. He used to be a jerk before. Now he is trying to be good. That is why it is changing.
Posted by Susan47 on June 5, 2005, at 22:24:31
In reply to Of course you help me » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 13:36:09
Then I hope he keeps it up, behaving well.. I hope it's going to be permanent.
This is the end of the thread.
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