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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on May 11, 2005, at 17:14:52
My ex T was a male. And my current T is a female. And my ex T was extremely philosophically and logically a strong person. He was able to correct almost all the logic mistakes that I had, and was able to make me more giving, and more aware of society and others, and a better human in general. I was very selfish, and blaming my parents, and shouting at my husband, and was jealous of others, and was afraid of money, and health, and constantly frustrated. He changed every bit of it, and made a real nice person out of me.
But I still continued to suffer because of the emotional problems. The problems with my dad, and my transference towards my T, and just a depressed mood was still there.
And my current T - who is a female, has lot of psychological insight - she understands about emotions, and emotional patterns - perhaps better than my ex T did. And she has helped me a lot in curing my deep emotional traumas that I had.
Now I think that I am lucky to have had the best of both. I think everyone needs to go to a male T and a female T. Male Ts are extremely good in grasping the issues real fast, and arriving at a practical solution. And female Ts are good in emotional issues.
I needed to go to ex T first, and he had to correct all my logical issues first and then I had to go to my new T and she has to correct the remaining issues. Switching the order wouldn't have worked.
Anybody ever felt that?
Posted by daisym on May 11, 2005, at 19:32:04
In reply to Combination of male and female Ts, posted by pinkeye on May 11, 2005, at 17:14:52
I think it is the style and orientation of the therapist, not their gender.
My therapist would die to hear you call him "logical and problem solving." *I* do that -- he goes for the emotions everytime.
It is the current battle we are having. I've disconnected, moved away from him. I'm totally in executive mode. He is gently drawing me out, asking me to cry, telling me it is OK to feel bad about all of this. He told me today he feels exiled...but he refuses to give up, even if it means dropping notes in bottle from the island.
Not logical at all. He isn't trying to solve my work problems. Don't tell him, but I'm glad I can cry with him over this and not have to have the answers. There is relief in that. But if you tell, he'll say "I told you so." (Yes, he is that kind of guy.) :)
I never connect with women like this. Mother issues I guess.
Posted by Dinah on May 11, 2005, at 20:08:39
In reply to Combination of male and female Ts, posted by pinkeye on May 11, 2005, at 17:14:52
I agree with Daisy. My therapist is great on emotion and less great on logic, and he's a male person.
I think it's a combination of training and natural instinct. I do know my therapist recognizes in himself the impulse to "fix" and consciously overrides it.
Posted by pinkeye on May 11, 2005, at 20:46:19
In reply to Re: Combination of male and female Ts » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on May 11, 2005, at 20:08:39
hmmm.. that is interesting to me. I never thought of men as being too emotional oriented. My father was much more logical than emotional, my ex T was the same way.
My husband is more emotional person, and I think I married him because he was not like my dad at all. I thought he was a simple person - but he also ended up being pretty complicated.
I guess lot of the reasons why I identified my ex T with my father was perhaps they were alike in some way.. both doctors, both atheists, both came from rich families themselves, both of them highly logical and highly society awareness and knew all philosophies. And actually even my ex T used to get angry quickly. They are both even interested very much into computers and gadgets. And they both retired from being doctors too early.
So I think that is why I kind of identified my ex T with my father. Now I realize how mistaken I had been.. my ex T was much much more a sensible person than my dad was. But I felt like telling my ex T to watch out for himself - that he had too many dangerous traits like my father. Of course I never told him.
My father used to tell how his mom never showed him too much affection and was never there for him. My ex T's mom was a very busy person as well, I used to wonder how much affection he would have received from his mom when he was a child. And I used to be concerned for him very much.
Now I realize it was all my own projections..
My husband is actually more emotional and couple of my male friends are.
Posted by 10derHeart on May 11, 2005, at 22:32:15
In reply to Re: Combination of male and female Ts » pinkeye, posted by daisym on May 11, 2005, at 19:32:04
>>I never connect with women like this. Mother issues I guess.
I feel exactly the same, Daisy. Not because of mother issues, but the same, nevertheless. Both my T's have been male and more than good with emotions. In fact, ex-T. is much better than he thinks he is, as I've tried to tell him a few times. He's very aware he's a "guy," and perhaps more comfortable with all things cognitive, and has let slip in what I thought was a pretty humble admission, that he's no expert on understanding emotions, even after 16 years.
But I know. I never felt so safe or understood and taken care of in my life than when sitting quietly in a room with him. That's a deeply emotional experience.
My T. now, well, we're still working on it, but if you guys recall my post about "little 10der" - there's no doubt he's capable and sensitive.
And I did work for a while with 2 different female T's. Neither of which I could really make an emotional bond with, but who did help me in other ways.
Funny - ex-T could switch from reinforcing some pure CBT one minute, to emotional holding the next. I didn't realize it as much when it was happening as I do in retrospect. Just a very special guy in exactly the right profession, IMO.
Posted by pinkeye on May 11, 2005, at 22:38:07
In reply to Re: Combination of male and female Ts » daisym, posted by 10derHeart on May 11, 2005, at 22:32:15
I also realized that my female T is more capable of identifying emotional patterns and sorting out emotional issues, but she herself doesn't lend herself emotionally to me. My ex T was much better at that. He was more warm and affectionate and caring towards me than my current T is.. But my new T is good at understanding the patterns of my emotions.
That is what I meant - by men being able to understand women's emotions. I think women are better at grasping other women't emotions, just because they have gone through many of the same issues.
Posted by pinkeye on May 11, 2005, at 22:41:49
In reply to Re: Combination of male and female Ts » daisym, posted by 10derHeart on May 11, 2005, at 22:32:15
Posted by 10derHeart on May 11, 2005, at 22:51:12
In reply to 10 der - you had the same T for 16 years??? (nm) » 10derHeart, posted by pinkeye on May 11, 2005, at 22:41:49
No, I meant he's been a therapist (pdoc) for that long. He's expressed to me several times he's still learning from clients every day about emotional things, how complex feelings are, etc.
I personally saw him 1x month for about 1.5 years for medication only, while seeing other social workers for therapy. Then, I saw him alone for both meds and therapy for 8 months. We are still in touch by email, 10 months after termination. I have learned a great deal more about him during our email exchanges, I think.
Sorry to be confusing :-)
Posted by Dinah on May 12, 2005, at 17:49:04
In reply to clarification » 10derHeart, posted by pinkeye on May 11, 2005, at 22:38:07
rofl.
I am pretty sure that no woman therapist has been through the same issues that I have, or would be able to have a greater grasp on my emotional underpinnings. :)
lol.
I feel so intensely alienated from your average IRL woman that it's not even funny. That's why it's so great to be around you guys.
IRL, I identify much more with men.
(I'm still trying to figure out how women all seem to know what to *wear*. Whenever I show up at a function, it seems all the women planned their wardrobe together, and none of them are wearing anything that even resembles anything in my wardrobe. That's not even counting cosmetics or the mysteries of toenail polish.)
Posted by 10derHeart on May 13, 2005, at 0:20:52
In reply to clarification » 10derHeart, posted by pinkeye on May 11, 2005, at 22:38:07
Hmm, I guess I follow that distinction, although my brain's a little foggy lately (annoying hormonal flucuations, I suspect)
I think it's great you felt your ex-T. was warm and affectionate towards you. You've also described him as philisophical, smart and logical, too I think (I know I'm paraphrasing a bit..) so I'm picturing a man fairly well-balanced between the cognitive and the emotional -at least while he was doing therapy with you.
Again for me, the male T's were still better. By different means, each of them could grasp my emotional patterns, see them when I couldn't at all. Maybe it boils down to what Daisy (and others) said anyway - it's far more about that person and what they bring into the room than it is about their gender. A combination of what they got out of their training, what they are willing to take and learn from each client, and their natural tendencies toward empathy and so forth.
Since I've never formed a bond with any female T., I can't say what that would feel like. But I certainly can envison it being possible.
I think I'm just not interested right now. I delibrately chose my current male T. and even passed on checking out some highly recommended women in the area. Even though on one level I was scared to death after becoming so attached and grieving so deeply about the loss of ex.-T when he moved away. I risked it anyway, for several reasons, I think. I just know with my issues and life experiences, it is extremely important that I be in a safe, close, healthy relationship with a male T.
I just know that's really, really important.
I guess I just thank God quite a few of us have found a T. ( or two, in my case) male or female - that are a good fit for us, really care about what they're doing, and that we know are truly helping us in our struggles. Life has been far better with a caring therapist in my corner than it ever was without one.
Posted by annierose on May 13, 2005, at 6:57:01
In reply to Re: clarification » pinkeye, posted by 10derHeart on May 13, 2005, at 0:20:52
Not much to add to what has already been said, but I do have "mother issues" and I do see a female T. I am very attached to her. I don't think it is about gender, but rather their skills, personality, listening ability, brain power, etc etc.
I initially choose a female T because I tend to flirt with men to get their attention. I didn't want to find myself sexually attracted to my therapist.
Pinkeye, maybe what you are feeling and/or describing are differences each therapist brings to the room based on who they are, life experiences, etc., not gender.
This is the end of the thread.
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