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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Scorch1 on April 29, 2005, at 0:28:38
I am a worthless crazy jerk who has wasted his life. If I were gone, no one would care. Someone might say they care but I wouldn't believe it.
If I owned a gun I would be dead, for when I get really mad for sixty seconds or less I would use it. I am always mad at myself.
I have seen many different therapists over the years and been on numerous medications. Nothing helped. I have no contact with my emotions. I wouldn't mind being locked up on death row where I would have no interaction with anyone. But I couldn't hurt anyone to get there except myself.
I am now on the slow boat to dying. I have type 2 diabetes. I take my pills but eat whatever I want. So my blood sugar ranges from 200 to over 600. I always have cracks in my heels and hands because I will not use lotion. Because of the cracks and diabetes I have had cellulitis in my legs over 30 times in the last 10 years. Instead of taking an antibiotic for 10 days now I must take two antibiotics for 20 days because they don't work as well. The next time I get cellulitis I am not going to take any antibiotics. No one would know until I got really sick and then hopefully it would be to late.
Some years back I had two tee shirts made. One said in large letters Stupid Crazy Jerk and the other said Kill Me Now. I wore the tee shirts a lot for over two years. Tonight I found that I can buy on line tee shirts that say I Hate Myself.
The Worthless Crazy Jerk
Posted by messadivoce on April 29, 2005, at 1:57:31
In reply to Worthless Crazy Jerk, posted by Scorch1 on April 29, 2005, at 0:28:38
Posted by messadivoce on April 29, 2005, at 2:06:10
In reply to Worthless Crazy Jerk, posted by Scorch1 on April 29, 2005, at 0:28:38
Scorch.....I was very sorry to read your post. You say that you are no longer in touch with your emotions, but I could read the pain in every letter. I am sorry. We are a group of people who allow each other to hurt, and support each other when one of us is down. You are new to Babble so welcome.
I'm sorry you feel like your life is no longer worth living. Do you have anyone in your life who makes it worth sticking around? Spouse, children, friend? Is there anything you would miss? The ocean, the mourning doves, Beethoven sonatas, snow, spring rain? These are things I know I would miss.
You say that you wouldn't believe it if someone said they cared about you. That seems like a challenge to me. ;-) Can I say that even though I don't know you, I do care what happens to you? I know other Babblers would too.
I would beg you, if you feel like you are going to hurt yourself, please call 911.
And talk to us. This website has a ton of great boards. And let us know that you're still there.
Voce
Posted by Tamar on April 29, 2005, at 8:07:21
In reply to Worthless Crazy Jerk, posted by Scorch1 on April 29, 2005, at 0:28:38
I care about what happens to you too. I always care about people who are experiencing the same kind of pain I've felt. I was diagnosed with diabetes a couple of years ago, and I’ve learned that it’s strongly associated with depression. It also makes people consider their mortality and physical vulnerability.
I know I feel much better when my diabetes is under control. Are you able to work with your doctor to try to get better control? It’s hard to do when you feel that you hate yourself, but you might feel better emotionally if you felt better physically.
You don’t deserve to be hated, even by yourself – or perhaps especially by yourself.
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on April 29, 2005, at 13:27:04
In reply to Worthless Crazy Jerk, posted by Scorch1 on April 29, 2005, at 0:28:38
I'm sorry you are feeling so badly.
I too am a diabetic. And I often wonder if at times I deliberately don't follow the instructions because I want to shorten my life. Although since I have my mother's example, that wouldn't be too wise of me. She ate whatever she wanted to eat, lived a fairly healthy seventy years or so and is just now paying the bigger prices. That doesn't stop the thoughts though. Is your mood improved those times when your blood sugar is under control? Or maybe slightly over normal? I always suspect I feel best at 140-150 rather than lower numbers.
Posted by scorch1 on April 29, 2005, at 20:10:14
In reply to Re: Worthless Crazy Jerk » Scorch1, posted by Dinah on April 29, 2005, at 13:27:04
Thanks for the responses. I posted after reading the post about the person giving her therapist a very difficult time. I have hated myself for all of my life. My current therapist thinks I was abused as a child. Other than taking medication I am not doing anything to control my diabetes including testing. My plan is the next time I get cellulites is to do nothing and before anyone knows I have cellutitis I will be too sick to be cured and lose a leg or my life. I have had cellulites so many time that the antibiotics no longer work very well and high sugar makes it very hard to cure cellutites. With this plan there is no emergency, it just happens.
Posted by Dinah on April 29, 2005, at 20:27:57
In reply to Re: Worthless Crazy Jerk, posted by scorch1 on April 29, 2005, at 20:10:14
I'm glad you decided to post. Goodness, most of us give our therapist's a difficult time sometimes. :) But most of us also have good relationships with our therapists and care about them a great deal. Did you identify with the client or the therapist?
Can you tell us something about yourself? How old are you? Are you married? I'll bet your therapist would care if you were to die. Heck, I care and I hardly know you.
What sort of medications have you tried? The combinations seem endless. So many people have found that their lives became worthwhile when they manage to find the correct combination of medication and therapy. I know there is a huge amount of pain involved in trying and trying again. I've found the antipsychotics work really well for my agitation and anxiety, as needed. But I know they're bad for diabetes.
Posted by scorch1 on April 30, 2005, at 11:47:51
In reply to Re: Worthless Crazy Jerk » scorch1, posted by Dinah on April 29, 2005, at 20:27:57
I identified with the client.
I am a 63 year old f*rt, married, with two stepdaughters, and live in my basement. My parents only taught me to work and I am generally ok when working 80 or more hours a week because then I am not thinking about life.
I first saw a therapist in high school and probably have had diabetes for over 30 years. I have never accepted the fact that I have either.
I take my pills but do nothing else such as lotion on feet, exercise (or if I do exercise I overexercise to see if I can have a heart attack), eat right, check sugar levels, etc. After all these years there is no possibility of change. I have spent many nights walking the gang area of different cities. They probably consider me an undercover cop or too crazy to bother with since nothing serious has ever happened. Have no ID and no one knows what I am doing. What happens will happen!
The Stupid, Worthless, Dumbass,Crazy Jerk
Posted by Dinah on April 30, 2005, at 12:10:55
In reply to Re: Worthless Crazy Jerk, posted by scorch1 on April 30, 2005, at 11:47:51
I'm one of those intensely annoying people who feel that there is always the possibility of change.
Do you know that at the very end of my Dad's life, he started telling me he loved me for the very first time (in words)? At first it was just a "me too" when I told him I loved him, but later he'd answer "I love you too". That doesn't sound like a huge change, does it? But it meant a lot to me.
You work 80 hour weeks at age 63 with diabetes? I am so impressed. I can barely manage thirty at twenty years younger. Distraction isn't a bad coping skill. But maybe you could find a distraction that was a bit more enjoyable? I'm not one to ask, because I tend to distract myself with "enthusiasms" that end up costing a lot and that I never finish.
It sounds as if you've been indirectly trying to die for many years. Most of the people I know who try to do that have people that deep down they care about an awful lot. Your wife? Your stepdaughters? Your therapist? Losing someone that way would still be very painful, you know.
I'm afraid that if I said much more that I'd like to say, I'd get in trouble for posting faith related topics on a non-faith board. I think that's a no-no with Dr. Bob. :)
So which of us challenging clients did you identify with, and why?
Posted by Dinah on May 3, 2005, at 8:19:38
In reply to Worthless Crazy Jerk, posted by Scorch1 on April 29, 2005, at 0:28:38
How are you doing?
Posted by scorch1 on May 3, 2005, at 9:24:25
In reply to Hi. Are you still reading? » Scorch1, posted by Dinah on May 3, 2005, at 8:19:38
Yes I am still reading. I am very busy for the next two weeks. No better, no worse.
Posted by Dinah on May 3, 2005, at 12:06:06
In reply to Re: Hi. Are you still reading?, posted by scorch1 on May 3, 2005, at 9:24:25
This is the end of the thread.
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