![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by shrinking violet on April 21, 2005, at 14:13:47
I realize I recently posted that I didn't feel "safe" enough to post here, for outside reasons.....I realize it doesn't really matter anymore, so here I am.
Also, I apologize for not responding to posts as much as I'd like....I do read them....I'm going to try to set some time aside later on and respond to some threads, though.
For now....I feel compelled to post about my nutritionist (ok, not my T, but close enough maybe).....I had an appt with her this afternoon. I left work at the library, walked over to the building and waited. I was about ten mins. early, and she wasn't in her office, but I figured she was off making copies down the hall or something, and she'd be back.
Surely, she knew she had an appt.....
....I waited. Granted, not long, about ten minutes after my appt time. But my head kept screaming that she was busy, that I was just going to waste her time anyway since I have no interest in eating right now and always ignore what she suggests anyway. I thought whatever she was doing was more constructive than meeting with me.
It did occur to me that she forgot about me. That she wasn't aware she had an appt. with me (although it was the same time as last week and on the same day for a while now). But I was hoping I was being paranoid, or too negative (as I tend to be).
But, going back to not wanting to waste her time and figure she could use my time to get some of her own stuff done, I got up and left. I was mildly angry, hurt, dejected, and as I walked to my car I wondered WHY WHY WHY am I so damned forgettable?
Then I saw her....
I was pulling out of the parking lot, and she was walking (very liesurely) with two other students.
So she DID forget about me after all.
She hasn't emailed, or called either.
I'm as unnoticeable as an amoeba is to the naked eye...
....why? why is that?
A large eraser could drop from the sky and erase my existence, and no one would notice. The world keeps turning, as they say.....
....and I didn't think I could feel worse than I've been feeling.....
...I was wrong...
:-(
Posted by Shortelise on April 21, 2005, at 14:30:42
In reply to ....she forgot about me...., posted by shrinking violet on April 21, 2005, at 14:13:47
What if you had walked over to her and said, HEY, DID YOU FORGET ABOUT ME? WE HAD AN APPOINTMENT FOR TEN MINUTES AGO! IT FEEL AWFUL TO BE FORGOTTEN!!
You would have been a little more visible.
She would never forget again.
((((violet)))) must you shrink so, sweetie? Could you try expanding a little? Just a little?
ShortE
Posted by annierose on April 21, 2005, at 18:23:01
In reply to ....she forgot about me...., posted by shrinking violet on April 21, 2005, at 14:13:47
Violet -
Sorry that happened. It could just be a scheduling error on her behalf, nothing intentional. Try not to personalize it ... easier said than done.
I'm curious what is happening with your old T?
If you are up to sharing, I have been thinking about you.-Annierose
Posted by pinkeye on April 21, 2005, at 18:30:37
In reply to ....she forgot about me...., posted by shrinking violet on April 21, 2005, at 14:13:47
That is careless on her part.. But maybe she just was overloaded and missed it.
But remember one thing, what someone else does isn't always about you or what you are. If a person forgets you one day, it doesn't mean you are forgettable all the time. But if you have a tendency to take everything on yourself, you will unconsciously perpetrate the same behavior again and again. Life is mostly a mirror - it reflects back what we think about ourselves. So say to yourself you are completely worthy and try to build more self validation. What your T does, what your nutritionis does - all these don't necessarily reflect their opinion about you. THink like this - if you forget an appt one day wiht whoever is that more because you forgot, or ist that because the other person is not rememberable? I have forgottne very important things about people I love very much all the time. It usually means my tiny brain got preoccupied with something else, and was not capable of handling multiple things at once.
Posted by Tamar on April 21, 2005, at 18:37:26
In reply to ....she forgot about me...., posted by shrinking violet on April 21, 2005, at 14:13:47
(((((((violet)))))))
What a terrible thing to happen. How rude of her to be late for your appointment.
There could be all sorts of reasons. Maybe she had to come from a meeting that ended late. Maybe she expected you would wait for more than ten minutes. But even if she had a reason, she should have contacted you to apologise. My T was once half an hour late, but he had the good grace to apologise and explain.
In my job I often have meetings with clients (though I don't work in healthcare). Every now and then - less than once a year - I can't get to an appointment on time. It's always for a good reason. And guess what? I always contact the person to apologise. Stuff happens; things come up. But an apology is necessary.
Can you bear to email her or phone her to tell her you came for your appointment and were surprised to find she wasn't there? Do whatever you need to do; make her feel guilty, or yell and shout. You have good reason to be angry. MAKE her notice you.
Keep posting. We know you’re out there; we won’t forget you.
Hugs,
Tamar
Posted by pinkeye on April 21, 2005, at 19:11:25
In reply to Re: ....she forgot about me.... » shrinking violet, posted by Tamar on April 21, 2005, at 18:37:26
I am amazed at how people in the US are intolerant of even little lateness and carelessness.
It is totally differnt in my country. I have had several days where I had to wait for almost an hour to see my therapist. And I had to travel two hours to even get to my Ts place. And I never thought bad about it. It was a pretty normal thing. Here people cannot take even 10 mins lateness and forgetting. It always surprises me how much people value being on time and doing everything correctly here.
Posted by shrinking violet on April 21, 2005, at 20:26:39
In reply to Re: ....she forgot about me.... » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on April 21, 2005, at 19:11:25
geez, i feel like a jerk now....
It just isn't like her to be late....In almost 2 years of working with her, she's never been late or not in her office for longer than a few minutes. It's weird though, b/c going to a medical doc or dentist, it's rather "normal" to wait for 30, 40, sometimes 60+ minutes past our appt times, and think nothing of it (although it's irksome, it's tolerated). I guess my negative thoughts feed on themselves, and when any chance they get to say "AHA, SEE I TOLD YOU" rears its head, my mind grabs it.
Besides, I did see her walking (and talking) liesurely. If I had waited, it would have been a good fifteen+ minutes more. And she works for students, at a Uni, who have classes, etc, and often must fit appts in between class times or work times. So, maybe the expectancy there is a bit more than if she had a private practice or worked in a hospital.
Now I feel like I should apologize to her, for some reason.....
And I still haven't heard from her....
> I am amazed at how people in the US are intolerant of even little lateness and carelessness.
>
> It is totally differnt in my country. I have had several days where I had to wait for almost an hour to see my therapist. And I had to travel two hours to even get to my Ts place. And I never thought bad about it. It was a pretty normal thing. Here people cannot take even 10 mins lateness and forgetting. It always surprises me how much people value being on time and doing everything correctly here.
Posted by littleone on April 21, 2005, at 20:58:26
In reply to Re: ....she forgot about me.... » pinkeye, posted by shrinking violet on April 21, 2005, at 20:26:39
Hi violet,
I thought I would clarify something for you. In my country, the T's usually seem to run on time, but doctors are *always* running late.
BUT, and this is a BIG BUT, they are running late because they've booked too many people in or taken too long with prior patients or whatever. So even though they are running late, they are still walking straight out of their room to get the next patient.
They aren't strolling around the campus/park/whatever it was.
Please don't feel that you owe her an apology. If anything, she owe's you one. She's stuffed up your appointment by writing it down wrong or forgetting or whatever.
I'd also like to point out that she didn't forget your appointment because you are invisible/not worth remembering/unimportant/etc. She forgot because she made a mistake.
Also, I don't think you are invisible/not worth remembering/unimportant/etc. I always notice if you haven't posted for a while and when you do post, I follow along (even if it is done quietly).
Posted by happyflower on April 21, 2005, at 21:03:45
In reply to Re: ....she forgot about me.... » pinkeye, posted by shrinking violet on April 21, 2005, at 20:26:39
>
>
> It just isn't like her to be late....In almost 2 years of working with her, she's never been late or not in her office for longer than a few minutes.I think maybe you are being a little harsh on her. Nobody is perfect and since you left, maybe she thinks you never showed up in the first place.
Posted by shrinking violet on April 21, 2005, at 21:12:48
In reply to Re: ....she forgot about me...., posted by happyflower on April 21, 2005, at 21:03:45
I know, maybe your're right. I emailed her, told her I waited and that I saw her walking, and I asked her if she wanted to reschedule.
True, she might not have known....although two others who work in her office saw me sitting there, one asked me if I was waiting for her, and the other said "she should be along, as she's usually punctual." I also stand with her as she writes my appt each week, so I physically see her write it in the book, and make sure it's under the correct time, etc.
Still, she is human, and I know I'm not her only client or responsibility. And I know my eating disorder always twists things to use against me.....
It still stings, though.
> > It just isn't like her to be late....In almost 2 years of working with her, she's never been late or not in her office for longer than a few minutes.
>
> I think maybe you are being a little harsh on her. Nobody is perfect and since you left, maybe she thinks you never showed up in the first place.
Posted by shrinking violet on April 21, 2005, at 21:13:57
In reply to Re: ....she forgot about me...., posted by Shortelise on April 21, 2005, at 14:30:42
LOL As I was driving by her I had a small urge to pull over and roll down the window and say "hi Sue, remember me?" something like that, but of course I wouldn't.
I feel badly now, for feeling badly, though.
Thank you.
> What if you had walked over to her and said, HEY, DID YOU FORGET ABOUT ME? WE HAD AN APPOINTMENT FOR TEN MINUTES AGO! IT FEEL AWFUL TO BE FORGOTTEN!!
>
> You would have been a little more visible.
>
> She would never forget again.
>
> ((((violet)))) must you shrink so, sweetie? Could you try expanding a little? Just a little?
>
> ShortE
Posted by shrinking violet on April 21, 2005, at 21:16:10
In reply to Re: ....she forgot about me.... » shrinking violet, posted by annierose on April 21, 2005, at 18:23:01
Thank you hon.
I see my T tomorrow, and once more next week. I made her an audio cd, which actually came out better than I expected, of my talking to her (for once) and saying everything I need/want to before I leave her, instead of writing her a goodbye letter (although I guess it's just another version of a "goodbye letter"). The gifts I bought her.....one didn't show up in time. So I'm going to give her the CD tomorrow, and the other gifts next week.
I'm just not sure how I'm going to exist after the last session, or if I want to.
Thank you for your thoughts, they are MUCH appreciated.
SV
> Violet -
> Sorry that happened. It could just be a scheduling error on her behalf, nothing intentional. Try not to personalize it ... easier said than done.
>
> I'm curious what is happening with your old T?
> If you are up to sharing, I have been thinking about you.
>
> -Annierose
Posted by shrinking violet on April 21, 2005, at 21:17:10
In reply to Re: ....she forgot about me.... » shrinking violet, posted by Tamar on April 21, 2005, at 18:37:26
Posted by shrinking violet on April 21, 2005, at 21:17:51
In reply to Re: she forgot about me - no, she stuffed up » shrinking violet, posted by littleone on April 21, 2005, at 20:58:26
Posted by Poet on April 21, 2005, at 23:20:24
In reply to ....she forgot about me...., posted by shrinking violet on April 21, 2005, at 14:13:47
Hi SV,
I hope it was a temporary memory lapse. I haven't been stood up by a health professional, but was by a job interviewer. I shoved a note under her door, and left. I got a phone call apology, but not the job.
Your nutritionist owes you an apology, and an explanation of where she was going when she should have been seeing you.
You are not erased here, you are visible.
(((((SV)))))
Poet
Posted by LadyBug on April 21, 2005, at 23:35:40
In reply to Re: ....she forgot about me.... » shrinking violet, posted by Poet on April 21, 2005, at 23:20:24
I'd let her know right away what she did to you. And you might be relieved to know if she had a good answer for you too. I always believe in good communication rather than stew about something. Give her a call and find out what happened. Let her know how disappointed it made you feel.
Let us know what happens next.LadyBug
Posted by shrinking violet on April 22, 2005, at 9:38:12
In reply to Re: ....she forgot about me...., posted by LadyBug on April 21, 2005, at 23:35:40
she emailed me back this morning, said she got hung up at her job at the dining hall and there wasn't any way for her to call her office since the office staff there is inconsistent. I want to believe her, but....she wasn't walking anywhere near the dining hall when I saw her, she wasn't in any sort of rush when I saw her walking and talking, and there were 2 people in her office when I was waiting there....she didn't even TRY to call to see if anyone was there to relay a message. So, I don't know...I want to let it go, and I hate that I take these things so hard and personally. But I do, and I can't help it. She said she put me in the schedule for the same time next week. I'm not sure yet I want to go....There's really no point in seeing her anyway, I only do waste her time.
I'm more nervous about today anyway....I see my T at 3, and plan to give her an audio cd I made for her (of me talking, saying goodbye). I can't believe, after next week, I'll never see her again... :-(
Anyway, thanks everyone. I think I've exhausted this thread, and I feel silly for posting it now, so hopefully it'll end here and be archived quickly.
Take care all,
SV
Posted by Susan47 on April 22, 2005, at 11:08:05
In reply to she explained, posted by shrinking violet on April 22, 2005, at 9:38:12
I'd like to respect your feelings about this ending here but I do also want to say I don't think you have any reason to feel silly.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.