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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bent on March 30, 2005, at 9:49:38
I see my T weekly, as I always have. Only recently, I miss her so much between appts. She is distracting me from my job, my grad school applications, my real life. I spend too much time in fantasy. I wanna call and cancel next weeks appt. I don’t wanna go and feel the hurt and the longing after I leave. I feel heartbroken even after a great session. I don’t feel it when I am face to face with her so it’s hard to talk about because I seem so logical when I am there. But then I crash. I hurt. I want her. I want my mom. I can’t get what I want from my T. She’s a great T, I guess that’s not what I need anymore. I always say that the times you want to run from therapy the most are the times you need to stay the most. I have been thinking about what to say when I call. I want to leave a message on her vm. I cant talk directly to her…she would surely get me to change my mind. Maybe I am testing her…like I want to see if she will call me back…because then I will feel that she cares?? I don’t understand, but I know it’s getting to be too much. Here I am right now, at work, on the internet seeking out information on therapy. I don’t understand. I want to run from her and cling to her at the same time.
Posted by Dinah on March 30, 2005, at 10:09:05
In reply to missing my T, but she's right there, posted by bent on March 30, 2005, at 9:49:38
I'm not sure it will be of any comfort to you now. But the intensity does pass. As you work through the push/pull of dependency and need and fear, the intensity just fades away with it leaving something much calmer and more fulfilling but a lot less exciting.
I think maybe some of us just need to go through that. It hurts while you're in it, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Posted by bent on March 30, 2005, at 14:45:24
In reply to Re: missing my T, but she's right there » bent, posted by Dinah on March 30, 2005, at 10:09:05
It is comforting in that I feel you are speaking from experience. Like someone else has been where I am and has made it through. I know that under this conflicting pushing and pulling is a real relationship. I also thought that after three years I'd be finished pushing and pulling with my T. I dont understand why it hurts so much, and I think I'd feel so foolish telling her how my heart can just break when I leave her. I feel like a child. Did you ever go through a time where you felt you were 'testing' your T? The logical side of me knows that getting my T to call me back without directly asking her to is in no way the measurement for how much one cares about me...but that mid-tantrum child in me wants to do it. Argh.
Posted by Tamar on March 30, 2005, at 15:30:14
In reply to missing my T, but she's right there, posted by bent on March 30, 2005, at 9:49:38
Oh boy, do I know that feeling! When I was seeing my T, I missed him desperately between sessions. But when I was in the room with him, everything felt fine.
It did get easier, in time. Many people find it helpful to tell their T how they're feeling (I didn't get around to this until my very last session, and maybe I should have done it sooner!). Lots of people feel the longing between sessions, and your T can help you to deal with it.
Talking about it with your T might also provide more satisfying results for you than testing your T. If you tell her, then the two of you can deal with it head on, together. If you test her instead, you might find it harder to get the resolution you're looking for.
Of course, actually raising the issue in session takes some doing, especially when you feel logical. Would it help you to write it down? Then you can ask her to read it, or you can read it to her.
Hope this helps a bit.
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on March 30, 2005, at 16:59:56
In reply to Re: missing my T, but she's right there » Dinah, posted by bent on March 30, 2005, at 14:45:24
It took the first five years of our relationship for me to trust him. I tested the heck out of him for those five years. Not to get him to call back - or at least not mainly. But I behaved very badly, said rude things to him about how I didn't care about him at all and more, called left messages for him to call, then cancelled the message, then called again. I was waiting for him to tell me he wouldn't take me back after one of the half dozen times I quit. After five years, something sort of popped and I began to trust him. I never quit again (except the last time when he didn't notice). It took him another year or two to trust me.
That year or two overlapped with the push/pull of dependency phase. The next little while was my tantruming over wanting to know that he wasn't going to abandon me, and him saying that that was an impossible promise to make and he wouldn't do it. I didn't test him in this phase. I railed and cried. Then he just quit his side of the tug of war, and after falling in the mud a few times, so did I. This was the period of time where the feelings were most intense.
Then came the period of time where I frankly wanted more from him than he could probably give. I wanted him to care about ME, Dinah, not just as a client, but as this particular client. I wanted the third kind of caring in gardenergirl's conceptualization of the therapeutic relationship. This period was also pretty intense in the beginning. I'm probably reaching the end phase of this now - *probably*. There's still some work to do. But I now believe (most of the time) that he cares about *me*, not just an income stream, or not just a client. The intensity is much less now. It's more comfy. I like comfy. There was no real testing as such at this point. Because whatever he gave had to come from him to be worth anything to me. He's recently started bending the therapeutic frame enough to get the message across to me that he does care.
I wonder what the future will bring?
Looking at the surface of it, it would seem that every phase ended with my getting what I want. But I wonder how much that's true? Maybe each phase ended with my seeing that I had what I wanted all along.
This is the end of the thread.
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