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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on March 11, 2005, at 13:55:32
My new therapist is very keen on digging everything from childhood and re processing it.
And it is making me so angry and hurt as lot of the old issues that I had dealt and put away with are all coming back.
I am getting very angry with my father, with my mother, and my husband.. and my therapist keeps digging it..
She says it is important to reprocess everything in detail.. and I am getting lots of the old emotions back..
I am feeling lonely, angry with my father for keeping me all to himself and asking me to be there for him all the time. He didn't let me make friends, he didn't let me talk to my mother, he would always want me to study study all the time. He didn't want me to learn anything else..not how to be a good human, not how to be a good wife, not how to be cheerful and happy and friendly. And he made me a mirror of him in many ways.. I hate all that.. And I hate it so much more because now it is making my life with my husband extremely difficult.. My husband is exactly opposite of what my father was, and their views are so very opposite on everything. And I am caught in the middle and very conflicted, and don't know how to choose sides. I don't know what I want, I don't know if I like my father, I don't know if I like my husband. And she encourages me to be angry with my father. Which I don't like at all.
I had put all that away and made peace, but then my new T is digging everything again, and I feel so bad.
Posted by Tamar on March 11, 2005, at 16:11:02
In reply to Resurfacing of old hurts, posted by pinkeye on March 11, 2005, at 13:55:32
That sounds like hard and painful work. It's so painful to feel the anger resurfacing when you thought you'd dealt with it and put it away.I wonder, though, whether you hadn't dealt with it as effectively as you thought you had. Maybe that's why your T wants to explore it again, so you can deal with the anger that's hidden.
Or maybe it's coming back because of other things in your life. That's happened to me before: I thought I'd dealt with some of the horrible stuff and everything was fine for a while and then it all came back when I had a baby because of the changes in my life.
I imagine your T has good reasons to ask you to rake over your childhood again, even though it feels so bad. Did she tell you her reasons, and did you agree with her?
I hope you begin to feel better soon.
Tamar
Posted by pinkeye on March 11, 2005, at 16:43:20
In reply to Re: Resurfacing of old hurts » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on March 11, 2005, at 16:11:02
Thanks Tamar.
I did deal with some of the issues with my old therapist. But I was always pressed for time with him and there were more pressing issues to deal with, so I guess I didn't have the luxury to go and look at some of the issues in more detail. And face to face interaction that I had with him was so very limited. I hardly had a total of 10 sessions of face to face interaction. Rest was all through emails over a period of 2 and a half years. It was hard to work in detail through emails for some of the things.Plus he knew my parents so well, and there was no way I could open up and tell him some of the things which used to bother me. Mostly how I had to relate to my fathere and how that affects my relationship with men. My new T is in the same city where I live and I get to see her every week, and I have all the time in the world to talk about things. Plus she doesn't know my parents, so I feel more comfortable sharing some of the things which bothered me a lot. I could never do it with my old T.
And I think she is right in digging up some of the things. Only I feel like a monster when she asks me to acknowledge the mistakes (some horrible mistakes) my dad did in bringing me up.
Posted by pinkeye on March 11, 2005, at 16:56:33
In reply to Re: Resurfacing of old hurts » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on March 11, 2005, at 16:43:20
I feel like such a monster to blame my father. He did the best he could and I could have been more responsible, and I could have learnt things differently.
Posted by Tamar on March 11, 2005, at 18:38:52
In reply to Re: Resurfacing of old hurts » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on March 11, 2005, at 16:56:33
> I feel like such a monster to blame my father. He did the best he could and I could have been more responsible, and I could have learnt things differently.
That's a horrible feeling, isn't it? We hate to blame our parents for their mistakes. But even if you feel he did the best he could, you also did the best you could. How could you have learned things differently? You were a child. Even at 16 or 17 you were still a child. You weren't responsible, even if you wish you could have been.
I think you are probably in a much better situation now that you have a T who doesn't know your parents. You can be as open as you can possibly be, with your T and with yourself.
I'm sorry it hurts so much.
Tamar
Posted by Susan47 on March 11, 2005, at 18:58:21
In reply to Resurfacing of old hurts, posted by pinkeye on March 11, 2005, at 13:55:32
I know some therapists believe it doesn't help to dig up the old stuff, they teach coping methods and try and get you to move on. Maybe that works for some, but not me and maybe not for you either. It sounds like your old therapist did help you move on for a while; maybe that's all though, maybe it wouldn't have lasted because maybe, perhaps you're one of those people who needs to re-process everything differently. Some of us seem to go into different states as we're learning, for instance I know there were times in my relationship with my last therapist where I was very child-like, sometimes disconcertingly (in my mind) so. And near the end of my relationship with his telephone, I became very child-like again in my loving of his image before I was able to bring some deep inner resources to the fore, resources that I believe helped my brain develop those parts that were stuck, or maybe scattered, and bring them together into something I was able to finally use.
And maybe the whole thing was an illusion.
Something I created, to bring about the necessary changes.And for you, maybe bringing this stuff up with the new therapist is a mistake. But perhaps it isn't, because it sounds like you're still being held back by something deeper, something your last T didn't touch. What changes have you undergone since the last therapist? Are you where you want to be?
Posted by pinkeye on March 11, 2005, at 19:09:50
In reply to Re: Resurfacing of old hurts » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on March 11, 2005, at 18:38:52
Yeah, as much as I hate to admit, I am realizing now that I have to acknowledge the mistakes made by my father. But maybe I don't have to make a monster out of him - maybe just realize it was a mistake and let it go at that. I am not capable of holding a grudge against my father - never.
But he did do such horrible mistakes in several areas.. especially in personality growth. He taught me everything wrong - taught me it was good to be lonely, taught it was not good to be feminine, taught me it was good not to dress well, taught me it was good not to hang around with others of my age, taught me I should not learn anything feminine - like cooking, cleaning etc. He taught me to be very selfish, never to extend myself to others and several things. And he never let me develop a relationship with my mother - he wanted me to be all exclusive to him. And it ended up confusing me so immensely - whether I was his daughter or his companion or his mirror. I ended up having his goals for my goals in my life, and went beyond every bit of strength I had to satisfy his goals for him..
And I think it is time I realize it and vent it out and somehow heal myself all over.
And I think it is helping, but just that it is so difficult to realize that the father you thought was so perfect, is finally not that perfect. If he was little more careful, and listened to my mother, I would have ended up being a much more happier person and didn't have to struggle so much for so long. I was such a good kid though - and I was so scared of his shouting and anger.
He was very loving in many ways and did the right things in many areas, but in several areas he failed miserably..and it ended up hurting me the most.
Posted by pinkeye on March 11, 2005, at 19:21:11
In reply to Re: Resurfacing of old hurts » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on March 11, 2005, at 18:58:21
My old therpist didn't have the luxury of time to dig up all the stuff. And I think what he did made up for nearly 80 - 90 % betterment. Only when you want to achieve the final 10 %, maybe some digging up is needed. I think that is precisely what my current therapist is doing. She is trying to remove the final things that are holding me back. And I think it is helping even if the process feels horrible.
I had the same pattern of behaviour.. Some time I would behave like a full blown adult, and sometimes like a 10 year old kid. I think I conveniently switch my ego states and I am beginning to realize that whenever things get too emotional for me, I switch back to the 10 year old.. especially when I realize somebody is not liking me and I want them to like me - I become a 10 year old. I am realizing it now, that I am doing that with everyone. When I feel down, I become a child, so people would comfort me and love me. I think it was a strategy I picked up with my dad to avoid his wrath and anger and to protect myself.
> I know some therapists believe it doesn't help to dig up the old stuff, they teach coping methods and try and get you to move on. Maybe that works for some, but not me and maybe not for you either. It sounds like your old therapist did help you move on for a while; maybe that's all though, maybe it wouldn't have lasted because maybe, perhaps you're one of those people who needs to re-process everything differently. Some of us seem to go into different states as we're learning, for instance I know there were times in my relationship with my last therapist where I was very child-like, sometimes disconcertingly (in my mind) so. And near the end of my relationship with his telephone, I became very child-like again in my loving of his image before I was able to bring some deep inner resources to the fore, resources that I believe helped my brain develop those parts that were stuck, or maybe scattered, and bring them together into something I was able to finally use.
> And maybe the whole thing was an illusion.
> Something I created, to bring about the necessary changes.
>
> And for you, maybe bringing this stuff up with the new therapist is a mistake. But perhaps it isn't, because it sounds like you're still being held back by something deeper, something your last T didn't touch. What changes have you undergone since the last therapist? Are you where you want to be?
Posted by pinkeye on March 14, 2005, at 13:42:04
In reply to Re: Resurfacing of old hurts » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on March 11, 2005, at 18:58:21
I realized over the weekend, some of the digging up and reprocessing has been really helpful.
Especially when it comes to very emotional issues like how you perceive someone as attractive or not etc. It helps to understand what motivates you.
I had a pattern of being attracted to men who are like an authority figure and who is unavailable to me - a pattern that I developed in response to my relation with my father according to my new T. It immensely helped to reprocess what I went thorugh as a child to understand it.
Susan - if you think you need to reprocess, then go for it.. you know what is best for you. I didn't have to reprocess everything to learn differently, only a few things. But if you need to reprocess everything all over again, then talk to your new T.
Posted by Susan47 on March 14, 2005, at 16:57:24
In reply to Re: Resurfacing of old hurts » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on March 14, 2005, at 13:42:04
Oh no no no, I don't want to process a damn thing anymore. I'm done, baby. One thing that worries me a bit, well more than a bit, really, is lately I seem to be emotionally in a shy not-so-sure of myself teenage state. I'm getting that old let's kowtow to the men because that's what we're supposed to do, that thing happening again. It makes me really angry. I don't like feeling that way. So now I'm wondering if I have more work to do, but thankfully I'm seeing my new T Wednesday, yay for Wednesday... but no money I have to cash in more savings. My parents should be paying for this, hah.
Posted by pinkeye on March 14, 2005, at 19:34:35
In reply to Re: Resurfacing of old hurts, posted by Susan47 on March 14, 2005, at 16:57:24
Taking things in a more light hearted way is helping me nowadays. I try to lighten any situation and whatever happened, think that people go through much worse things than me and emerge to be fine and happy. Optimism and light heartedness seems to make a lot of difference in how I feel.
A few things - I do need therapists support and reprocessing, but a lot of things, I am able to take care of myself with a more lighter approach towards things. You might want to try that if it works for you if you are not able to afford therapy too much.
Posted by Susan47 on March 15, 2005, at 11:47:34
In reply to Re: Resurfacing of old hurts » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on March 14, 2005, at 19:34:35
Yes, that mindset absolutely does help me as well. And my AD's and my non-prescription drugs really help me to do that. I wish I could do it without the non-prescrip. though. I don't know how to do that, I should look into a support group of some kind.
Posted by pinkeye on March 15, 2005, at 13:51:26
In reply to Re: Resurfacing of old hurts » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on March 15, 2005, at 11:47:34
> Yes, that mindset absolutely does help me as well. And my AD's and my non-prescription drugs really help me to do that. I wish I could do it without the non-prescrip. though. I don't know how to do that, I should look into a support group of some kind.
Maybe find something that really motivates you to quit? Like, the desire to be a strong mother and a role model for your kids?. I find when I am motivated to do something for someone I like, I could really turn up mountains. Without motivation, I am not able to do even a little bit.
Posted by Susan47 on March 15, 2005, at 14:15:32
In reply to Re: Resurfacing of old hurts » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on March 15, 2005, at 13:51:26
Mo-ti-va-tion.
Mo, as in motility.
Hmm. Sperm have motility.
I could quit if I had the right.. male friend.
Are we on the right track, here? Oh well, it's a track, anyway. And I do agree with your theory of motivation, just my belief that my children aren't really being hurt by my drug use, that's what's stopping me you see, as using them for motivation. Because the truth is, I'm more emotionally stable when I'm using .. stable in a Good way, I have more patience, I'm happy, I feel self-confident (except when I've done too much accidentally, then it goes the opposite way, not good, paranoia you know). So then at those times it can be a bit overwhelming, and I always ask myself, I say Susan, why did you feel the need to take too much? Because you knew you had enough already, if you could just be patient the good feeling will come, but then bam, panic sets in because I'm afraid the good feeling will go or won't come in time, you know, and I end up having a couple puffs when I promised myself I'd wait .. and then suddenly, it was too much and I have to sit on my mind, so to speak, I have to keep the lid on when it threatens to come off and spin out of control, into crazy, and that then becomes a real challenge, which is in itself, once again, very exciting, a way of feeling something. I'm so very glad I have a therapist I just have to HAVE to find a way to pay for her.
Posted by pinkeye on March 15, 2005, at 16:42:06
In reply to Re: Resurfacing of old hurts, posted by Susan47 on March 15, 2005, at 14:15:32
What if you end up being a motivation as you are for your kids anyway unconsciously? If they end up doing drugs when they run into problems in their own lives? That could happen as well you know.. if you are not a positive motivation, you might end up being a negative motivation. Would that help you to take an initiative to stop?
Posted by Susan47 on March 15, 2005, at 21:30:15
In reply to Re: Resurfacing of old hurts » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on March 15, 2005, at 16:42:06
Maybe. Yes, perhaps. And epsecially because I'm going into an occupation, a career that carries its own hazards and responsibilities, I should really be more responsible. Yes.
This is the end of the thread.
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