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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by thewrite1 on March 6, 2005, at 12:15:17
Sometimes I feel like I want to be close to my T, and I don't usually do anything about that. Yesterday I asked her to sit with me. I had a reason for it. I was going over some things I had written/drawn. She didn't hesitate to sit next to me. Once we'd gone over everything, she stayed there and I started feeling really uncomfortable. I moved as far away from her as I could without actually moving to another seat, which turned out to be not that far. It's all very frustrating because I was thinking, "This is what you wanted and NOW you're uncomfortable?" Anyone else experienced anything like that? How close are you from your T? Do you always sit in the same places?
Long ago I had a T. He wasn't the one for me. Maybe he wasn't very good at all. In one of our conversations, he said that everything I did told him something about me, up to where I decided to sit. I had been sitting in a chair opposite of him. Next session I came in and sat down *right* beside of him, practically in his lap. He didn't seem surprised in the least. I didn't stay there 'cause I was merely playing with him. I explained why I'd done it and he said, the only thing that would strike him as odd is if I'd brought my own chair to sit in.
Posted by Susan47 on March 6, 2005, at 12:32:57
In reply to Also physical proximity, posted by thewrite1 on March 6, 2005, at 12:15:17
That's pretty scary, him being told something about you with everything you did. I always, always shake like a leaf in the presence of C. And I used to sit as far away as possible, or beside him so he wasn't always looking at me without having to make an effort, or I'd stare at the walls or I'd sit in this stiff upright chair, draping myself all over the place to be hidden, once I remember I sat on the couch and put my feet up, I was always taking off my shoes .. but he made a point of letting me know he was aware of my posture. Sometimes I remember sitting perfectly still and never looking at him unless I wanted to emphasize something. Whew. I was a study, wasn't I? A study in what? What? What do you think they're getting from our actions???? Anybody know the answer to that one?
Posted by messadivoce on March 6, 2005, at 12:59:15
In reply to Also physical proximity, posted by thewrite1 on March 6, 2005, at 12:15:17
My former T's office was really teeny tiny, so there was only one couch. I usually sat an an angle, as far away as possible, and sometimes that wasn't far enough. It was a little claustrophobic at times. Once he was leaning forward in his chair with his chin propped in his hands, and it just felt like too much of an invasion. I said, "Would you mind sitting back in your chair?" He granted my request immediately, with a big smile, and a question as to why I was uncomfortable. Can you tell I have issues with personal space?
I really think it's okay to suddenly change your mind... if you're comfortable with something one minute, to suddenly be uncomfortable with it. I think it's so normal, and don't be afraid to ask for what you want, even if it changes daily.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 6, 2005, at 18:00:51
In reply to Also physical proximity, posted by thewrite1 on March 6, 2005, at 12:15:17
Therapy can be very intimate. Especially if you are talking about really personal stuff. At times like that I wish I were invisible. Need as much space as possible.
But at other times (when I am upset, for example) then it is nice to feel closer.
One of my t's used to kind of pat me on the leg or the shoulder when I was upset. Probably sounds a bit strange. I think it was kind of a combination kind gesture and effort to stop me dissociating. She picked her times pretty well. I didn't mind it. At other times something like that would send me through the roof though.
I think it is probably normal to want more space sometimes, and less space at others.
I am now oh so tempted to take a chair!!!
He he he, I wonder if people do :-)
Posted by Dinah on March 6, 2005, at 19:34:31
In reply to Also physical proximity, posted by thewrite1 on March 6, 2005, at 12:15:17
It used to be a real problem for me when he sat closer (after asking permission) to look at something together with me or something.
The last time he did it, it didn't bother me at all. He asked after he had looked if he would prefer that he move back to the other chair, and I said it didn't make any difference to me. We were both surprised at the change. :)
Posted by LG04 on March 6, 2005, at 22:18:46
In reply to Also physical proximity, posted by thewrite1 on March 6, 2005, at 12:15:17
My therapist and I usually sat across from each other with a few feet in between us. it felt comfortable to me. at times i would ask her to move her chair closer to me and hold my hand. and then when i didn't need her hand anymore, i let go and she would ask if she should move her chair back or stay. usually i wanted her to move her chair back.
eventually i got brave enough to ask her once if i could come sit in her chair with her. she said okay and i sat with her with my arms around her and her arms around me. it felt soooooooooooooooooooo good. and we'd talk a little bit sitting like that. and then when it was too much closeness for me, i'd just get up and go back to my chair. i started doing that with her (i called it cuddling) probably once every 3 or 4 sessions. usually it would last between 10-20 minutes before i felt like i needed space again. once she asked me to get up b/c she said she was having trouble thinking and needed more space to think it thru (what we were talking about). i didn't get at all insulted which amazed me. i understood that sitting like that isn't conducive to intellectual thought. it's good for mushy, emotional stuff though.
i think it would perfectly acceptable to tell your therapist, "it would be okay if you went back to your chair now" or something like that. they understand these things.
LG04
Posted by alexandra_k on March 6, 2005, at 22:37:20
In reply to Re: Also physical proximity » thewrite1, posted by LG04 on March 6, 2005, at 22:18:46
Far out.
Do some therapists do that?
Well clearly they do...
I didn't know that...
Do they really???
Posted by daisym on March 7, 2005, at 0:15:29
In reply to Also physical proximity, posted by thewrite1 on March 6, 2005, at 12:15:17
I'm in awe of anyone who lets their therapist get closer than two feet. There are times I've longed for physical comfort, especially when I feel about 6 years old. And I've told him, and we talk about psychological holding. Which feels fine. If he actually ever touched me, I'd flee, I'm sure of it. I actually figure that is when I know I will be close to being done with therapy, when I'm comfortable with the idea of giving him a hug.
I think as you pass through age states and emotions, you will want and not want to be close. Parts of you might want her close, and parts don't. I'm sure she will understand if you talk to her about how conflicted you felt. It is common to cycle through emotions quickly at times.
Sounds like a tough session. Be kind to yourself.
Posted by thewrite1 on March 7, 2005, at 13:32:06
In reply to Re: Also physical proximity » thewrite1, posted by daisym on March 7, 2005, at 0:15:29
Thanks to everyone that answered this. I feel like less of a freak now. :-) I guess I was afraid if I moved away or asked her to, she'd be reluctant to sit with me again. It makes sense that I wouldn't want to be near her during certain conversations.
Posted by antigua on March 7, 2005, at 15:40:40
In reply to Re: Also physical proximity, posted by thewrite1 on March 7, 2005, at 13:32:06
When my T moved into her new office, we had to work out the proximity thing all over again. Since I was her first patient in the new office, I played out a couple of scenarios w/her so she (we) could work on our comfort level.
We sit across from each other and we are closer together than in her old office. I don't like it. Sometimes I ask her to back off, which she always does. One day I took off my shoes (I've never done that) and of course she had to comment when I put them back on. She plays w/the lights and everything. She watches me like a hawk and I know it. Everything is significant to her. Recently she hugged me tight even though I didn't ask for it. While I like the hugs, and often ask for one, what I don't like is carrying the smell of her perfume w/me all day long.
I really miss her today. Something's wrong but I can't pinpoint it.
antigua
Posted by alexandra_k on March 8, 2005, at 3:04:32
In reply to Re: Also physical proximity » thewrite1, posted by daisym on March 7, 2005, at 0:15:29
I dare say I'd be like that with a male t...
Posted by shrinking violet on March 8, 2005, at 18:47:44
In reply to Also physical proximity, posted by thewrite1 on March 6, 2005, at 12:15:17
Interesting concept.
My T sits a few feet across from me. We both have chairs, no couches in her office. I find it hard to form eye contact most times, and I find it very uncomfortable when I''m about to cry and trying not to (or I want to cry but can't) because I feel like she's staring me down, or something, and I find myself huddling in the chair to try to "hide" from her gaze. Quite a few times my T has come over to me, or I have gone over to her. Now, my T is in a wheelchair, so maneuvering is a bit more difficult than it would be usually. When she comes over to my chair, she either has to face me and lean in, which brings her closer in proximity but not close enough for much physical contact. Sometimes she manuevers her chair sort-of next to mine, so she's able to hold my hand, or rub my back, or allow me to put my head on her shoulder. I like this best, because I don't have to look at her and it doesn't look as if I'm consciuosly avoiding her eyes, and talking to her is somewhat easier (I use that term very loosely in my case!) since she's *right there* and I don't have to "throw" the words so far across the room. Also, of course, the warmth and nurturing helps quite a bit. I've also gone over to her and knelt next to her, usually while we are looking at the same document or book. I don't mind that much, either, except my legs get tired from crouching, and I feel more like a little kid and I have to restrain myself from leaning my head on her shoulder. :-/ Of course, it all depends on the mood I am in and what's going on....there have been times (especially recently) when my T has asked if she could come over to me and I've said no, or she's offered her customary end-of-session hug and I've walked out of the office purposely avoiding it, even if I want or need it so badly it hurts. Go figure, huh?
Posted by Aphrodite on March 9, 2005, at 13:04:59
In reply to Also physical proximity, posted by thewrite1 on March 6, 2005, at 12:15:17
Brought your own chair! That's a riot.
My T and I sit a few feet apart, me in a big comfy chair and he in his office chair. It's a comfortable space. When I am saying something difficult, I tend to talk very quietly and he will move closer and also speak very quietly. Once or twice he's asked if he is in my "space," and I answered no. He's always close when it things are hard, which is a nice metaphor for the relationship.
This is the end of the thread.
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