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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on March 3, 2005, at 20:39:54
My T asked (gently, not pushy) why I *supressed* being abused. Why I held it from her, when I know if I had said yes, she wouldn't have pushed me for details.
What did I think would happen if I stopped supressing and started trusting?
Today, I called her and asked if I could see her on Saturday, but she might not be able to. Why when deep down I know I need to trust her, I didn't make that appointment when she first offered it?
It took me an hour to write this post. I am sending it now. No editing, here it goes.
Poet
Posted by Dinah on March 3, 2005, at 22:55:43
In reply to Supression, posted by Poet on March 3, 2005, at 20:39:54
Poet, I think you're being too hard on yourself.
Trust is an unfolding thing. You told her when you were ready. Telling her earlier may not have been right for you.
I'm sorry she's not sure she can see you. It sounds as if she's trying. I hate it when my therapist doesn't hold time he's offered to me. And I usually get mad at myself. If she can't see you, do you think journalling will help? Or does it work better for you to distract yourself?
Posted by daisym on March 4, 2005, at 1:04:58
In reply to Supression, posted by Poet on March 3, 2005, at 20:39:54
I can only tell you that from my experience it wasn't about admitting it to her...it was about admitting it to myself. Saying it out loud made it so REAL...unbearably real.
And it took months for me to realize that not telling was so ingrained that it is auto-pilot: "What's your name: Daisy. Where you abused? Of course not." Telling is like a pebble in a pond, and we can't control the ripples.
Don't be so hard on yourself. I tell my therapist all the time, I trust him. I don't trust me.
I hope she fits you in on Saturday. If she can't, maybe a check in by phone, just to touch base. Another thing I've learned is that after I tell something, I need to keep checking to be sure that he hasn't blown away, disappeared or run from me.
Please take care of yourself. You are in a very vulnerable place.
Posted by B2chica on March 4, 2005, at 12:35:48
In reply to Supression, posted by Poet on March 3, 2005, at 20:39:54
poet, i agree with daisy.
the 'flashes' of repressed memories i had completely forgotten about started to surface when i first started therapy a year ago(though i NEVER discussed them) i wanted to discount them to 'wild imagination', or that i somehow twisted things, or even dreampt it...i couldn't even admit to myself things that happened...it's been a year since i even uttered silently in my mind what 'may'/did happen when i was young, LET ALONE actually say it outloud, Let Alone mentioning it to anyone.
I'm now finally at a point of SO much pain inside, i Finally have a pdoc i completely trust And a T that i feel So comfortable with that i think i'm ready.
though i still haven 'gotten' into the therapy mode since my first real session was the same day i was released from the hospital (we mostly talked about what happened while i was in there). but i think i am as ready as i'm gonna get to spill.
But something in me needed to go through this long painful process and things needed to 'fall into place'. now that they have, i think i'm in a state of mind to start to at least try to talk about it.Please know you are NOT alone. and you need to be in a place you feel comfortable and Most imortantly a safe place. ask if on a day you decide to spill, will you be able to call your T that night if you 'emotionally respond' to talking about your issues. can you ensure you will be safe, around people, someone to stay with you? this may help.
HTH
Please take care...
b2c.
Posted by antigua on March 5, 2005, at 9:58:30
In reply to Supression, posted by Poet on March 3, 2005, at 20:39:54
Actually, it sounds to me like you might be testing her. You've spoken up and now maybe she can't see you (I always used to see this as punishment that I told her and now she's rejecting me). Try not to link the two together if you can. You have trusted her and now you need for her to prove it's real. Sometimes it's just the circumstances, though. This is me, not you, so ignore at will/
antigua
Posted by Poet on March 5, 2005, at 11:24:39
In reply to Re: Supression, posted by Dinah on March 3, 2005, at 22:55:43
Hi Dinah,
She can't see me, today. I do blame myself for not saying right away that I wanted a session. Though she really sounded sincere the she wanted to see me, today, but can't. I'm not in a crisis and I can call her before I see her next week. Repeat over and over...
I have been trying to write/journal, which does seem to help, unless I rip up what I wrote. I'm going to try to distract myself, too. Clean the house, read, watch movies, things to get me to not think about the past.
Thanks, as always, for your help.
A fellow difficult client,
Poet
Posted by Poet on March 5, 2005, at 11:40:00
In reply to Re: Supression » Poet, posted by daisym on March 4, 2005, at 1:04:58
Hi Daisy,
My T couldn't see me, but she said *call me* so I know that she's there for me.
I totally get being on autopilot. Every time my T asked or hinted about abuse, without hesitatation, I looked straight at her and said no.This past session I looked at the wall, my feet, out the window, anywhere but at her.
T kept telling me that this is not my fault, I am ashamed of something that I couldn't control. We all want to control the world, but we can't.
But I want to control my little portion of the world!
Thanks. I wil get through this. You are doing it, I can do it.
Poet
Posted by Poet on March 5, 2005, at 11:48:26
In reply to Re: Supression, posted by B2chica on March 4, 2005, at 12:35:48
Hi B2Chica,
You wrote: But something in me needed to go through this long painful process and things needed to 'fall into place'. now that they have, i think i'm in a state of mind to start to at least try to talk about it.
Keeping all these secrets locked in side comes naturally, letting them out seems impossible. I hope that your being comfortable with your therapist helps you overcome the impossible and you can let some of the pain out.
I'm sorry that I didn't follow your pre-hospital posts, but I'm glad that you're out and feeling so much better about yourself.
Thanks.
Poet
Posted by Poet on March 5, 2005, at 11:55:22
In reply to Re: Supression » Poet, posted by antigua on March 5, 2005, at 9:58:30
Hi Antuiga,
I am punishing myself that she wanted to see me and I hesitated and now she can't. She told me to call her, *my inner children have little voices that [I] can't control.* So I know she would have seen me, if she could have.
I need to not punish myself, and just keep telling msyelf that I can call her and I do see her next Thursday. I just blame myself for everything. Six degrees of separation from all negative things can be linked to Poet. In her own head.
Thanks for helping.
Poet
Posted by Aphrodite on March 5, 2005, at 14:32:05
In reply to Supression, posted by Poet on March 3, 2005, at 20:39:54
Go slow, Poet. You've made a huge step forward by confiding in her. You'll probably take 5 steps backward before you can move forward again, and you'll push and pull a thousand times in between. It's best to dose it -- I've just about destroyed myself through trying to get it all out and beating myself up for what I could or could not tell my T. I am now respecting my own pace which is very slow. But it's me. No need to retraumatize yourself -- sounds like she's with you for the long haul.
Posted by Poet on March 5, 2005, at 15:47:58
In reply to Re: Supression » Poet, posted by Aphrodite on March 5, 2005, at 14:32:05
Hi Aphrodite,
She is with me for the long haul, which is good, as this is going to be a heavy slow moving load.
I'm glad that you and everyone else is with me, too.
Poet
This is the end of the thread.
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