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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Shame on March 1, 2005, at 9:16:05
I have had major clinical depression since adolecense, and it seems to be pretty medication resistant (refractory?). Lately I have been doing everything right (good diet, taking my meds, exercising, trying to get some sun), and I have been feeling pretty OK.However, cutting or burning myself sounds satisfying, and that scares me more than a bit. Not to end my life, but to mark my self. Just to see it? Feel it? I dont know. I have had episodes in the past during really bad periods in my depression that I have done some of that... In retrospect it seems very melodromatic and selfish, but it still sounds NICE.
It seems to be getting worse. Couple of weeks ago I tried to fend it off by getting some more piercings in my ears. 4 more. I would have gotten more, but it seems they have a limit. If I had more money I would get trags, industrials... etc. I would say it is for attention, but I rarely even WEAR any jewelry once the holes are healed and stretched. The shapes I burned into my arm all those years ago are put places no one can see. I like them to be MINE and no one elses. I have alwasy been a loner.
I dont tell my wife about this, because she gets a whole-bunch of upset, and I dont want that. It makes things worse when I know Im upsetting someone else with the way I FEEL, and I cant help it.I feel I should go back to therapy, but they change my medications, put me on higher dosages... In a few weeks all I can do is sit at home and cry, sick with side effects, and filled with despair... So I stop going. I take the meds I thought were working, and find a doctor to cut me a script for what I want. That way I get a semi-normal life.
Is the marking a different issue than the depression? Does anyone else feel like this? Im sick of hearing the words "atypical major depression" from my doctors.
Posted by Bent on March 1, 2005, at 10:00:20
In reply to Feeling OK... But cutting sounds satisfying. WHY?, posted by Shame on March 1, 2005, at 9:16:05
I think the urge to SI isnt always related to depression. Do you know when/why you first started cutting? Do you have any trauma in your past? I really think you need to talk about it with a therapist. If you are satisfied with your meds as they are I think its really important to make it known to them. Its been my experience that meds are helpful with cutting but not nearly as helpful as talk therapy. Good luck.
Posted by Dinah on March 1, 2005, at 10:08:42
In reply to Feeling OK... But cutting sounds satisfying. WHY?, posted by Shame on March 1, 2005, at 9:16:05
Why may be that when you've started doing it, it feels good. There are all sorts of theories about endorphins and such. But basically, even if you aren't clinically depressed and anxious, everyone has coping tools to help them feel better. Cutting is an easy one to turn to.
But clearly, not the best.
I agree that more medication probably isn't the answer (I was worse on some medications), but talk therapy has helped me with it as well. I think I've substituted my therapist as a crutch.
Posted by pegasus on March 1, 2005, at 10:24:14
In reply to Feeling OK... But cutting sounds satisfying. WHY?, posted by Shame on March 1, 2005, at 9:16:05
I agree with Bent. If you are seeing a pyschotherapist who is not a psychiatrist, then they should respect your feeling about medications. I've never had a therapist who forced me to do anything in particular with regard to meds. Although some of them definitely had their own opinions about it that did not always jive with mine, they were very respectful of my final decisions.
I've had good luck with meds helping reduce cutting. But I think that even more important was having someone that would respectfully listen to me, and help me work out why I wanted to cut. For me, a lot of what the cutting is about was a form of communication - maybe only to myself. I've had a fair amount of invalidation in my life, and putting that pain on the outside was my way of validating my own pain. When I found other ways to do that (through therapy), the urge to cut really tapered off.
I wish you a lot of luck with this struggle. It's a hard one, but worth it, in my opinion. I am really glad to finally be able to see myself as worth protecting from pain and agression, even self inflicted.
pegasus
Posted by pinkeye on March 1, 2005, at 16:46:14
In reply to Feeling OK... But cutting sounds satisfying. WHY?, posted by Shame on March 1, 2005, at 9:16:05
Why don't you go to a therapist and tell a strict no to medicines and take only therapy? That would help.
This is the end of the thread.
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