Posted by Shame on March 1, 2005, at 9:16:05
I have had major clinical depression since adolecense, and it seems to be pretty medication resistant (refractory?). Lately I have been doing everything right (good diet, taking my meds, exercising, trying to get some sun), and I have been feeling pretty OK.However, cutting or burning myself sounds satisfying, and that scares me more than a bit. Not to end my life, but to mark my self. Just to see it? Feel it? I dont know. I have had episodes in the past during really bad periods in my depression that I have done some of that... In retrospect it seems very melodromatic and selfish, but it still sounds NICE.
It seems to be getting worse. Couple of weeks ago I tried to fend it off by getting some more piercings in my ears. 4 more. I would have gotten more, but it seems they have a limit. If I had more money I would get trags, industrials... etc. I would say it is for attention, but I rarely even WEAR any jewelry once the holes are healed and stretched. The shapes I burned into my arm all those years ago are put places no one can see. I like them to be MINE and no one elses. I have alwasy been a loner.
I dont tell my wife about this, because she gets a whole-bunch of upset, and I dont want that. It makes things worse when I know Im upsetting someone else with the way I FEEL, and I cant help it.I feel I should go back to therapy, but they change my medications, put me on higher dosages... In a few weeks all I can do is sit at home and cry, sick with side effects, and filled with despair... So I stop going. I take the meds I thought were working, and find a doctor to cut me a script for what I want. That way I get a semi-normal life.
Is the marking a different issue than the depression? Does anyone else feel like this? Im sick of hearing the words "atypical major depression" from my doctors.
poster:Shame
thread:464828
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050225/msgs/464828.html