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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Frida on February 17, 2005, at 10:52:15
Hi..
I am new here, Iīve posted just a few times...
I am in a shop, after my T session and feeling so scared that I didnīt know what to do...
I feel like I am losing my safe, sacred place, I am terrified of that...I am so scared :o(Iīve been in T for 4 years now. I was sexually abused by my father. Iīve always had difficulties talking in T but my T has been patient and Iīve made progress in all areas of my life. My T has given me the safety, caring, acceptance I had never ever had in my life. She changed everything, she gave me hope, she made me feel like she did care about whether I was alive or not, I do feel certain she cares about me, Iīve learnt a lot from her, and even though I havenīt been able to verbalize everything and I still canīt share openly from my heart, I have found great relief, knowing she knows what happened to me.
I have been very open about how much she means to me, and I feel we have a very close, healing T relationship. She has made me feel accepted, welcome, and I feel she genuinely cares about me.
I donīt know if that is enough background.
I should add, that I am 27, and in my fantasies, I have thought about her as someone like a mommy who could come and rescue me after my father hurt me. Thatīs always my fantasy, that I am no longer alone in that moment.Well, Today, I went to my session, she said today she wanted to hear me, that she would stay silent, in a welcoming silence, open...that she wanted to hear me talk. So somehow I ended up sharing fragments of a dream I had, in which she and I were together driving in a car, and she was driving and I was scared because it was dark and we were in a deserted road, and then our car broke down, and some men took us to some sort of concentration camp, etc, and I felt terrible because I felt I would be tortured without having the chance to tell my T all the things I havenīt told her (In my mind, I was thinking about my fatherīs abuse, etc, but didnīt mention this to her). I shared the whole dream..and afterwards, somehow our conversation turned into my feelings for her.. and she said that it is ok if I feel love for her or IĻm in love with her, and that I was safe, and that everything was okay, that talking about feelings was ok, that there was nothing to fear, etc...that it was okay to talk openly, etc.
Well,I was totally ..shocked by what she said. I blushed, found myself unable to say a word, just felt the world was falling apart.
If she were talking about love, then I understand and that would be ok because I do love her (as a therapist and person), but she talked about me being in love, and thatīs totally not that way and I feel that now , after this, our T relationship wonīt be the same...
She had been absent for a long time, and I had found the way to internalize her caring and it was easier than other times, and now I feel it is all shaken, that safety.
She then talked about how Iīve always looked for a mother or the qualities of a mother, but I didnīt hear any more..because I just wanted to undo all the session..
She said that maybe my feelings or the feelings I was having were the reasons why I found it so hard to talk, etc. I just found myself choking back tears, and it was time to leave, someone rang the bell, I stayed sitting there, my T went to answer, then I stood up, went to the door, almost crying, she said are you okay? I said yes, but obviously was not..She told me that my dream was okay, that I was ok and that everyhing was ok.
I left and I feel so shaken now.
I want my safe place back...now I donīt know what to do, how to wait a whole week..
I need to clarify this with her, I donīt know...What should I do?? My safe place is essential for me to function. Should I do something before my session, like sending her a letter? Should I wait and explain to her? Whatīs the best thing to do?? I am afraid this may damage our relationship..Thank you
Frida
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on February 17, 2005, at 12:00:52
In reply to very confused about my T session today-lost, posted by Frida on February 17, 2005, at 10:52:15
Frida,
I'm sure your T has had experience with other clients who have been "in love" with her before. I have a feeling this is not at all uncommon in their profession. So, when she tells you it is ok "to love" her or "to be in love" with her, she is just making sure she gives you all the options you need to express yourself.
I am a little unsure however about why you feel upset by this. Do you feel upset that she may think you are "in love" with her? Are you upset that by broaching this topic she has overstepped her boundaries? Or, are you upset because now the topic has been brought up?
Can you explain a little more? I can see this is important to you and I want to understand this a little better
((Frida))
Posted by B2chica on February 17, 2005, at 12:33:30
In reply to very confused about my T session today-lost, posted by Frida on February 17, 2005, at 10:52:15
hi Frida. and welcome.
IMHO
i think you were just a overcome by letting out these feelings, letting them outside and sharing them, but also in getting an 'accepting' response from your T, i think it was good. Maybe it's a type of love, maybe not...but these is certainly something you had inside...you shared now you need to discuss them a little more. maybe writing down might even help you to clarify what you are feeling or may bring up questions you might want to ask her next sesssion.
and yes if you can't see her again sooner than i think you should write all this out. if you decide to mail it to her fine, but sometimes i find that if i write a letter i may not feel the need to send it but it lets you release your confused or uncertain/scared (or whatever type of) feelings you are having. you can also maybe show her the letter in your next session.that's what's good about this place to. it's a safe place you are ALWAYS welcome. you can share Anything here.
But it does seem like you DO have a 'safe' place there, you haven't lost it. this issue may even make you feel safer there once you've discussed what happened next time.best of luck. until then, take care.
b2c.
Posted by Aphrodite on February 17, 2005, at 15:03:35
In reply to very confused about my T session today-lost, posted by Frida on February 17, 2005, at 10:52:15
Your reaction from sharing such an intimate thing sounds very understandable. Perhaps your T said the "love" and "in love" options in case you wanted to go there and may have felt inhibited about doing so. With her saying it first, perhaps she thought you would use the opportunity to explore the feelings further. However, you may be confused that she may believe you are in love with her when you are not. I do think you need to bring it up in your next session. Writing it out beforehand as was already suggested is a very good way of organizing and getting a grasp on what is specifically bothering you about it. Your T sounds very empathetic and open so I'm sure if you can bring yourself to talk about it, you'll see your way through together.
I bet you're very apprehensive, though. When do you go again? Let us know how it goes.
Posted by Frida on February 17, 2005, at 15:26:45
In reply to Re: very confused about my T session today-lost, posted by Miss Honeychurch on February 17, 2005, at 12:00:52
Miss Honeychurch,
Thank you so much for your reply. It means a lot to me.
I am not so sure why it has upset me so much. I left feeling so uncertain and a bit ...hurt, though at the same time my T was very caring and warm in the way she talked and she didn't hurt me intentionally. I guess I do feel afraid she might think I'm in love with her, because that is not so, and she is very important to me as a therapist, I do love her a lot, as a person and therapist, but I am afraid she might think I'm in love and now she will be careful with me, just when she had started to do things which were very important to me and she hadn't done before, like sharing a bit more, or suggesting a book she was reading so I could feel her closer, or sharing the names of her favourite plants, etc, and I had been feeling more secure in my relationship with her too (in the past I always dreaded she would abandon me and when she was away it was terrible, and now I have been able to internalize her caring) Now I am afraid she might take that away from me, because she might be afraid that I could be in love with her, besides I am not, and that feels sad that she thinks I could, when the feelings I have for her are more of a mother-like type..I fear she won't ever give me a hug now, because she might be afraid..and for me, the idea that maybe she would hold me safely one day, really meant a lot. I guess this doesn't make much sense. But I always dreamed that she somehow would take away the hurt of all those times I had no one after being hurt, and I was beginning to feel that relief.
I guess it feels hard for me that she can even think that, because it far away from my real feelings, and that makes me feel she doesn't know how I feel and so I feel alone...and the safety I felt just by knowing that she knew my feelings and what I was struggling with.Thanks for listening..
and thanks for the hug :-)
Fridathat by broaching this topic she has overstepped her boundaries? Or, are you upset because now the topic has been brought up?
>
> Can you explain a little more? I can see this is important to you and I want to understand this a little better
>
> ((Frida))
Posted by Frida on February 17, 2005, at 15:30:54
In reply to Re: very confused about my T session today-lost ŧ Frida, posted by B2chica on February 17, 2005, at 12:33:30
Hi B2chica,
Thank you so much for welcoming me here, and for replying. It truly means a lot.
My initial panic has disappeared and I am trying to think it will be okay if I talk about this with her. I am writing her a letter, maybe I'll email it to her, I'm not sure..I know I should clarify my real feelings for her but even that seems a bit difficult.
Thank you for saying I can share anything here :-)
and for giving me hope that maybe I will feel safer with my T.Thanks so much
Frida
Posted by Frida on February 17, 2005, at 15:35:56
In reply to Re: very confused about my T session today-lost ŧ Frida, posted by Aphrodite on February 17, 2005, at 15:03:35
Aphrodite,
Hi, and thank you so much for your reply. I am feeling a little better.
I see her again next week.
Yes I do feel sad and confused that she may believe that, because it makes me feel afraid that she doesn't know what I truly feel, when I've made that clear.. :-( and also, I feel afraid that she might stop doing things that were so helpful to me, because she might decide that she has to be careful with me if she thinks I can be in love..
She had been doing things which truly helped me feel connected to her in between sessions, and if she were to take that away I would feel very lost.
I'm writing a letter to her, but I find it hard to tell her my feelings too, because it leaves me too vulnerable, if I say that I've always thought about her as someone who could hold me after my dad hurt me and give me relief from that..and that I did crave for that kind of caring from her, as if she could somehow take away that hurt from all the moments when there was no one. Maybe I should admit that to her but it all feels a bit difficult and uncomfortable.
I guess I'll send her an email. Waiting till thursday feels like a long wait..
Thank you for understanding and for replying to me.:-)
Frida
Posted by LG04 on February 18, 2005, at 3:14:56
In reply to Re: very confused about my T session today-lost ŧ Aphrodite, posted by Frida on February 17, 2005, at 15:35:56
hi frida,
your feelings are so understandable. i am sure your therapist will understand too. she sounds wonderful. i am certain she didn't mean to make you feel unsafe. it seems that she just wanted you to know that whatever you feel is okay. i think you can tell her exactly what you have been writing here and you will feel so much better.i understand exactly what you mean about being scared that she will feel she needs to be careful with you regarding hugging and maybe in the future holding you. i had the exact same fears just a few weeks ago. i told my therapist that i am jealous of the sexual relationship she has with her husband. i am not attracted to her sexually and i am not in love with her though i love her dearly. my jealousy stems from some very complicated, very young feelings as a result of being sexually abused by my father.
one of the first things i said to her after telling her this was, "did anything i say make you feel uncomfortable? does this mean we won't be able to hug anymore or cuddle?" (like you, for a long time i had wanted her to hold me and one time i just said, "can i come over and sit on your chair next to you?" and she said sure and so i sat with her with her arms around me and i just loved it. she asked me if it was confusing for me and i said not at all, that it just felt really good and safe. we didn't do it every session, just whenever i felt like it. i started to call it "cuddling" b/c basically that's what i was doing, cuddlng with her.)
anyway, when i asked her, she said "of course not. this has nothing to do with our relationship. this is about what happened to you in the past and you transferring the feelings to me." i was SO SO relieved that she understood that and that she wouldn't feel uncomfortable with me either physically or emotionally. i asked her again the next time we spoke and she completely reassured me.
so maybe this will be reassuring and/or comforting to you. good therapists are well trained in these areas. and also, you are going to explain to her that you are not at all IN love with her so there is absolutely no reason whatsoever for her to feel uncomfortable hugging you. it sounds like an important part of your relationship with her and i'm sure she knows that, or perhaps you can tell her. maybe this will even create an opening for you to ask her about holding you, of your longing for it and checking whether that's a boundary for her or not. it took me a long time but i have found that if i just ask my therapist whatever it is that i want to ask her (or need reassurance about), it's so much better than wondering and trying to read her mind. usually her answer is much better than the one i've made up in my head.
do you ever call her in between sessions? maybe you could call her to talk about it if it feels too long to wait until your next session.
good luck and write back about what happened.
LG04
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on February 18, 2005, at 8:37:36
In reply to Re: very confused about my T session today-lost ŧ Miss Honeychurch, posted by Frida on February 17, 2005, at 15:26:45
Frida,
I don't think you have anything to worry about. I don't think she assumes you are in love with her, but, it could be a possibility. Next session, try to get back on this topic and clarify your feelings.
I completely understand about you not wanting her to hold back or be more careful with you. I wonder if Ts have any idea how much little things mean to us? Like recommending a book and such.
As for the hug issue. Is your T the type to hug you? A lot of Ts have a no hug policy. So I wonder if this hug you are idealizing is even possible? I think my T would rather be set on fire than hug one of his clients, he is that much against it. I just don't want you to start yearning for something which may be out of the question. But perhaps I'm wrong and she is a hugger.
I fantasize about hugging my T all the time by the way.
Posted by Dinah on February 19, 2005, at 7:50:53
In reply to very confused about my T session today-lost, posted by Frida on February 17, 2005, at 10:52:15
FWIW, I think Aphrodite is probably right.
A sensitive therapist will often consider all the possibilities and phrase their answers so that no matter what your feelings are, you'll realize they're ok to share. She probably put the "in love" there so that you would know it was ok to mention it if it were true.
I bring things from the board to my therapist all the time, and he always answers them as if they were something I really wanted to say about me and him. Most of the time they aren't. I just clarify that.
I think it's ok for you to just clarify that while you may love her, you aren't "in love" with her.
And you should be pleased that you have such a sensitive and caring therapist, I think. :)
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