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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on February 1, 2005, at 0:34:08
I'm venting --- maybe I'm whining ---maybe I'm just hurting...
I told my therapist today that I needed to stop regressing so much. That these childlike states were making life so much harder and I was acting out in ways that were frightening to me. Mostly it was about how much I needed him and how easily I tantrumed when I couldn't get from him what I wanted. I actually called this weekend and left a sobbing message and then called again and took it all back. I'm sure I just cemented his opinion that I'm turning into one of those "hard" clients.
His response was that he totally expected these feelings and behaviors to emerge right now. That wanting and needing him was OK, and an important part of my therapy. He said he could see that I was struggling with so many things and while he couldn't meet all my needs, he was "there" for me, as much as I needed him to be. And he was really OK with me being demanding and/or weepy but he knew *I* wasn't OK with being this way. And then he asked me if shutting it all down was what I *really* wanted...
I hate that question! How am I supposed to know right now what I *really* want? I want to feel confident and engaged in my work and I want to hide from it all in his office. I'm tired of being triggered off by everything and I want to shut down the persistent memories, yet I need to talk about what happened. I want to support the people who need me and I want everyone to just leave me alone. I'm completely conflicted about just about everything right now. Shutting down seems to be the only option that makes sense.
I don't know what to do. Can you turn off regression? Are there ways to quiet those inner voices? I'm open to suggestions. My therapist's suggested solution is to sink into these needs and give time to each voice in therapy to talk. He believes it will take time but eventually, as each age state tells her story and gets her needs met, things will quiet down and the intensity and feelings of overwhelm will lessen. It is hard to trust that solution when it almost feels like this will allow things to just get more out of hand.
Even Cream of Wheat isn't working right now. :( In the middle of the night I think I just can't take much more of this, that I never expected my life to turn into what feels like an abyss. Parts of me just want to lay down and never get up again. I hate being alone with these thoughts.
Thank you for letting me vent and whine.
Posted by messadivoce on February 1, 2005, at 1:48:23
In reply to Caution - Pity Party alert, posted by daisym on February 1, 2005, at 0:34:08
Daisy I'm sorry...I can identify with being so utterly weary that it seems like you cannot go another step...not to trivialize your pain because I know you have endured so much more than I have.
Haven't your inner voices been quiet for long enough? I hope you can allow them their time, and your T sounds like he will not let you venture deeper than you can bear. He is such a bulwark in your life, and I'm so thankful you have him.
I'm sorry I can't be more helpful. But you will find your way out. Morning will come. Lots of hugs to you.
Posted by Dinah on February 1, 2005, at 7:22:53
In reply to Caution - Pity Party alert, posted by daisym on February 1, 2005, at 0:34:08
Oh my. I suppose that defines me as a difficult client. :) My therapist has said he doesn't mind if I leave a dozen conflicting voicemails as long as they all occur before he contacts me. He doesn't want to have to answer a dozen separate conflicting voicemails.
Have you really, truly, and honestly tried to compromise? Negotiate? You might find that you would be pleasantly surprised. I have a very good working arrangement with my emotional self based on a negotiation of meeting schedules with my therapist. Or at least it was, until my father died and everything started unravelling for me. I think I'm struggling to come up with a new working arrangement. But I have faith that it can be done.
Is your therapist willing to help you work out an amiable arrangement? Something along the lines of letting you work in return for session time. Something like that.
It *can* be done. Even the parts of ourselves that are the most stubborn and selfish can generally be swayed by arguments that are framed in terms of their own best interests. :)
(Gosh, I hate it when I say that. lol.)
Posted by Dinah on February 1, 2005, at 7:24:38
In reply to Re: Caution - Pity Party alert » daisym, posted by Dinah on February 1, 2005, at 7:22:53
> (Gosh, I hate it when I say that. lol.)But when I said it to my therapist the other day, he grinned in recognition. ;P
Posted by antigua on February 1, 2005, at 13:03:15
In reply to Caution - Pity Party alert, posted by daisym on February 1, 2005, at 0:34:08
I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now, daisy. I had a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch today and that helped (have to lay off the ice cream!)big time.
I know how overwhelming it can be, especially when you don't feel that YOU are in control, the younger selves are. I envy you for being able to feel what they feel, I'm still an automaton (what's the word for the robot person??). Once I reach the feelings, all h### will break loose, but for today, right now, this is best for me. I have to put things away safely in my linen chest until I am strong enough to deal with them. Trust yourself, Daisy, you can do it. You wouldn't be experiencing all of this if you weren't ready. It hurts, but your T will keep an eye on you too.
I like Creamsicles too--have you ever had one? As a girl, I loved the orange sherbet/vanilla ice cream combo.
take care,
antigua
Posted by Speaker on February 1, 2005, at 21:50:20
In reply to Re: Caution - Pity Party alert » daisym, posted by antigua on February 1, 2005, at 13:03:15
Daisy,
It doesn't sound like a pity party to me :). It sounds like you don't like where you are and why would you? However, I do think you deserve a party but it should be with all of us!!! Do something special for you...the big you and the little you.
Marie
Posted by Susan47 on February 2, 2005, at 1:03:30
In reply to Caution - Pity Party alert, posted by daisym on February 1, 2005, at 0:34:08
Daisy I couldn't get past you saying you called and left a sobbing message then took it back and how understanding he was. I used to leave sobbing messages too, I don't know why, I tried to explain it to myself but my T never ever even mentioned them, he acted like they didn't exist, like none of the phone calls I ever made to him in terrible utter distress, ever existed at all. It was depressing. Like half of me just didn't exist. Oh well. Wrong therapist I guess. Life, more like, but man did it all hurt me. I wish I had the answers for my puzzle ... but Daisy I have to say it sounds like your therapist has no fear of what lies ahead for you both. He's ready to take on the journey with you, help you through it. You're a very lucky lady, very lucky indeed, even though right now it feels hellish, I know.
Posted by fallsfall on February 2, 2005, at 10:04:15
In reply to Caution - Pity Party alert, posted by daisym on February 1, 2005, at 0:34:08
I love parties! I'll bring ice cream and cream of wheat.
But will you stay regressed at least a little? I think you would have more fun at the party that way, and I bet I would have more fun.
So when and where is this party? You'll be there, right?
>Shutting down seems to be the only option that makes sense.
How about accepting that these are your needs right now? I wish you could accept yourself even a tenth as much as I accept you.
(((((((Daisy)))))))
With love,
Falls.P.S. Don't be a stranger...
Posted by daisym on February 2, 2005, at 23:53:35
In reply to Re: Caution - Pity Party alert, posted by messadivoce on February 1, 2005, at 1:48:23
Thanks for the support. I don't think your pain is any less than mine. We've ALL been through a lot.
I'm trying to give all the voices space and equal time. I'm trying to believe my therapist will continue to put up with my sadness.
Thank you for the hugs. Those are so very needed right now.
Posted by daisym on February 3, 2005, at 0:03:14
In reply to Re: Caution - Pity Party alert, posted by Dinah on February 1, 2005, at 7:24:38
Dinah,
I love your stories about your therapist!
I have been talking to my therapist about how hard it is for me to feel this regressed. His response is that little Daisy needs to be allowed to express her feelings so when she is "out" I should just let her talk. It is very hard not to edit what she has to say. Today was one of those days when she was very out. Even though I had a session I still ended up in a puddle of tears several hours later. I caved in and called him. He called back and just encouraged the tears, named little daisy's fears for me and basically hung out on the phone with me for awhile.
We agree I'm grieving. But there seems to be no way to control which part of me is grieving the most at any one time and therefore wants to be out in session. But I'll keep in mind negotiating for time. It might work.
Posted by daisym on February 3, 2005, at 0:10:23
In reply to Re: Caution - Pity Party alert » daisym, posted by antigua on February 1, 2005, at 13:03:15
Orange cream cycles were one of my favorites as a kid. I haven't had one in years!
You sound just like my therapist "you wouldn't be getting your memories if you weren't ready for them." I can handle almost all of this except the fear...remembering and reexperiencing the fear is so very hard. It colors everything and makes me lose confidence in myself. I don't trust my experiences or my feelings so I'm afraid to make decisions. This doesn't work well when you are trying to run a company.
There are a ton of somatic feelings coming up around all of this and it is just plain weird and freaky. Perhaps you will get these body memories before you get your feelings. I don't think there are any rules about how all this works.
Thanks for the support. Can I hide in your linen closet too?
Posted by daisym on February 3, 2005, at 0:15:16
In reply to Re: Caution - Pity Party alert, posted by Speaker on February 1, 2005, at 21:50:20
My therapist told me today that pity parties are all the rage and so "in" -- he's glad to see I'm so up on things and "trendy." Such a smart a**! :) He said he is all for throwing one, as long as he is invited.
You can definitely come. We can even have it outdoors - it was 78 here yesterday! I'll make a cake, Falls can bring the ice cream. What do you want to bring? I told my therapist he had to bring the tissues, since he seems to have an endless supply.
Posted by daisym on February 3, 2005, at 0:20:30
In reply to Re: Caution - Pity Party alert, posted by Susan47 on February 2, 2005, at 1:03:30
Susan,
I can't imagine not talking about the phone calls, but I know every therapist and every therapy is different.
I also know that I'm lucky. I get twisted up about how hard all this is, but I try not to make it my therapist's fault. He pushes me and then wraps huge layers of support around it all.
I saw that you started therapy again. I hope this works out well for you.
Posted by daisym on February 3, 2005, at 0:25:30
In reply to Re: Caution - Pity Party alert » daisym, posted by fallsfall on February 2, 2005, at 10:04:15
I think we should meet in Golden Gate Park and ride the Merry-go-round and get ice cream cones. I mentioned in my post to Marie, my therapist wants to come. Can we allow that?
I'm trying to accept that these are my needs and it is OK (somewhat) to reach out to get them met. It just seems like all these little things come together to make life so much harder than it should be. If I wasn't regressed, wouldn't I be more rational about my responses? Or wouldn't I be more productive in working towards solutions?
Thank you for being here (and there) for me today. You have a great long distance shoulder. I hope it dries out soon.
Hugs from me.
Daisy
Posted by fallsfall on February 3, 2005, at 7:46:22
In reply to Re: Caution - Pity Party alert » fallsfall, posted by daisym on February 3, 2005, at 0:25:30
I'm so there for the Merry-go-round!!
Your therapist can come ANYTIME. Somehow, I can't see mine on a Merry-go-round, but I can see yours there.
Maybe the tears will cause my shoulder to grow and it will grow closer to you.
Posted by antigua on February 4, 2005, at 10:26:23
In reply to Re: Caution - Pity Party alert » daisym, posted by fallsfall on February 3, 2005, at 7:46:22
Merry Go Rounds make me nauseous and you don't want me throwing up on all your wonderful guests, do you? Can we all wear our favorite party dresses? I loved getting dressed up as a little girl, especially when my mother made me a new dress. That little girl looks so peaceful and happy in the pictures, but I know better now. Actually, I look at her and try to love her because the photo may have captured a moment when she was happy. It's hard to remember that there were happy times; they all weren't bad. I'm working on remembering the good things too.
I don't like swings, either, so I'll guard our treats and sweets. I'll bring chocolate covered cherries.
antigua
Posted by Daisym on February 4, 2005, at 11:18:11
In reply to Merry Go Rounds Daisy, posted by antigua on February 4, 2005, at 10:26:23
Funny that you should mention pictures...
Do you ever look at pictures of yourself as a little girl and wonder what you were thinking? I'm smiling in my school pictures until about 5th grade and then it goes away. There is one especially where I'm all dressed up in my Easter dress (my mom made it) and I look so sad. My dad has this picture and he says it is his favorite, I asked him for it and he said no. Hmmm...My therapist teased me about all the school uniforms (darn those silly hats) but it was good for him to get an idea of who I feel like when I go really young.
We worked a few weeks back on some of the good memories. Going into those explained a lot of things about my mom to me and made my dad more human again. But it was almost as hard as the bad memories because it was so incongruent.
I love choc-covered cherries. Can we put them in whiskey sours? :)
Posted by antigua on February 4, 2005, at 21:13:27
In reply to Re: Merry Go Rounds Daisy, posted by Daisym on February 4, 2005, at 11:18:11
I never tried that possibly delectable combination...
I have one favorite picture which is probably right about when the abuse started if not just later. I'm sitting on the "settee" in my grandmother's house, all dressed up for Easter. No hat in this one, thank goodness. I can pinpoint the time because my hair was cut short. I had impossibly long, messy hair (big trigger for me) until my mother just chopped it off. It was such a relief, so there couldn't be in anything in my hair anymore. I had gotten a really huge knot I couldn't get out, which I thought was very evil and dirty and marked me for what I was. When the hair was cut, I felt I had come "clean" and was clean, clean, clean.
I still don't like anyone coming near or working on my hair. It was a tangled mess and left w/me with a lot of shame.I love that picture because I look happy and confident. I'm going to fnd the good parts of that girl and recapture her confidence. In the older pictures I can clearly see the depression--it just screams to me and Iwant to know why nobody questioned it!!
So, I'm focusing on that sweet little girl and helping her figure things out.
I had a thought for you. You seem to want to give all the girls their equal due, but maybe it has to be in fits and starts w/each one. They don't have to have equal time, maybe, if one is just more intense or impatient at the moment. I'm going to try to just go w/the flow, but it's important for me to pay attention to them right now.
best,
antigua
Posted by daisym on February 6, 2005, at 0:45:47
In reply to Re: Merry Go Rounds Daisy, posted by antigua on February 4, 2005, at 21:13:27
I can't believe you wrote that! I HATE, HATE, HATE having my hair touched. It was a huge thing with me when my kids were little. And yet, I often imagine what it would be like to have someone I totally trust brush my hair, or braid it, or whatever. I never thought about why there were always knots in it, and it was painful and hard to take care of, etc. However, it was time my mother spent with me, trying to comb it. I got it cut off when I was about 10.
I think what you said about listening for the most urgent voice makes sense. It might make the anxiety ease off and perhaps I won't be so exhausted by keeping everyone quiet.
I think we should require hats at our picnic. I'll wear a pink one.
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