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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Bent on January 27, 2005, at 10:53:29
This is bothering me. A little background: I have probably only SI’d about ten times in my life. I was very young when I did, like 9-13 years old. Usually I’d just scratch my arms or face with my nails and sometimes I’d use something. The last time I did it was over ten years ago and only a few times since then have I battled with the urge to do it. My T knows all this. What she doesn’t know is what happened last week. I was having a very intense argument with my SO, to the point of talking about breaking up after ten years together. At some point I was crying on my bed and was in much emotional pain. My mind went to the scissors on my nightstand and I thought of cutting my arm. Again, these thoughts don’t happen often at all and when they do I can usually direct myself to a healthier coping mechanism. I didn’t touch the scissors but somewhat unknowingly I began scratching and digging into my arm with my other hand. Not enough that it bled but it got a little swollen and really red and now I have a few scabs. I am wondering if I SI’d? I mean it seems like I did but I am confused. It was almost like I wanted someone to see how much pain I was in. I haven’t told anyone. I even sat through my therapy session Monday without mentioning anything about it or the fight. I would rather run from my therapist than feel the shame in telling her what I did. I’ve been doing so well in therapy, I’d be so embarrassed to admit this and I am not even sure if it’s a problem. Maybe it was a one time thing. We have been talking a lot about some childhood trauma and I think that helps bring back the urges to SI. I keep thinking I don’t need to tell anyone. It was just a little relapse and I promise myself I wont do it again. I am just confused. It feels like the me writing this and the me the other night are two different people.
Posted by Susan47 on January 27, 2005, at 11:44:50
In reply to What did I do? *possible trigger*, posted by Bent on January 27, 2005, at 10:53:29
You probably are two versions of the same you, my thought is that as you work out your childhood trauma you won't feel the need to SI anymore, the pain won't be there anymore so the need will go too and you'll be the same person mostly ... maybe you're ashamed to tell your therapist about the other night because you don't want your therapist to feel inadequate. Are you taking responsibility for how your therapist might feel and translating it to shame of yourself?
Posted by chaaya on January 27, 2005, at 17:31:18
In reply to Re: What did I do? *possible trigger* (nm), posted by chaaya on January 27, 2005, at 17:18:40
Bent
I know how you feel. I hadn't done any cutting for about 20 years and then did some 3 months ago. Now instead of cutting, I'm anorexic. In both cases I've been very ashamed of what I did but I really wanted help. I told my therapist and my pdoc. It was realy hard to tell the pdoc. I also had to tell my primary care doc about the anorexia. So I've gone through it 3 times. In my case all of my doctors have been very understanding which has helped a lot.
I guess my point here is that you need to think about what support your therapist can offer and whether or not it is worth overcoming the shame.
Posted by Bent on January 28, 2005, at 12:05:18
In reply to Re: What did I do? *possible trigger*, posted by chaaya on January 27, 2005, at 17:31:18
I am glad everyone was so understanding in your case. I am sure my T would be too. It’s just so hard to leap over that shame and just say it. I could be projecting all the shame and disappointment I feel in myelf onto her and therefore think that she will feel that same way towards me. I feel like I am a child and I dont want her to be disappointed in me. I think your right though, that I need to think about whether the support in the end will be worth it. My T has never been unsupportive so I don’t know what my deal is. Thanks for sharing your similar situation. It helps knowing others have been here.
Posted by Bent on January 28, 2005, at 12:06:20
In reply to Re: What did I do? *possible trigger*, posted by Susan47 on January 27, 2005, at 11:44:50
That’s an interesting point. I am always trying to figure out what my T thinks/feels and so often it’s a projection of what I feel. Maybe part of it is that I don’t want my T to think she failed me in some way. I will have to think about it. Thanks for the insight.
Posted by chaaya on January 31, 2005, at 13:22:58
In reply to Re: What did I do? *possible trigger* » chaaya, posted by Bent on January 28, 2005, at 12:05:18
If you don't mind, I'd like to hear whether or not you decided to tell your therapist and if you do tell her, whether or not it went OK.
Posted by Bent on January 31, 2005, at 20:40:28
In reply to Re: What did I do? *possible trigger*, posted by chaaya on January 31, 2005, at 13:22:58
Actually, I think I need to talk, well write, about this. I went to therapy today. It was in the back of my mind the whole time. I talked about the fight I had with my fiance and how I felt so much pain which is kinda unusal for me. In other words, I talked about everything except what I really wanted to tell her - the cutting part. Its like my head was just going to burst I as sat there. I wonder why I am putting so much pressure on myself to tell her? It's like I feel that I am not being totally honest with her if I dont tell her. I have not cut anymore, nor have I thought about doing it, but I still feel that i need to tell her. I thought about calling her to just get it off my chest so I dont have to agonize over it for another week. I dont think I want to say all that over the phone though. Thanks so much for asking. I really needed to vent a little.
Posted by chaaya on January 31, 2005, at 22:01:36
In reply to Re: What did I do? *possible trigger* » chaaya, posted by Bent on January 31, 2005, at 20:40:28
If you can articulate yourself very well in writing, you might want to consider writing her a letter. That way you don't have to talk over the phone and she will have some time to think about it before your next appointment.
For me, actually saying it out loud to my doctors and therapist, was the hardest part. Deciding was OK and talking to them afterwards was OK. But opening my mouth and saying those words was hard.
This is the end of the thread.
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