Posted by Bent on January 27, 2005, at 10:53:29
This is bothering me. A little background: I have probably only SI’d about ten times in my life. I was very young when I did, like 9-13 years old. Usually I’d just scratch my arms or face with my nails and sometimes I’d use something. The last time I did it was over ten years ago and only a few times since then have I battled with the urge to do it. My T knows all this. What she doesn’t know is what happened last week. I was having a very intense argument with my SO, to the point of talking about breaking up after ten years together. At some point I was crying on my bed and was in much emotional pain. My mind went to the scissors on my nightstand and I thought of cutting my arm. Again, these thoughts don’t happen often at all and when they do I can usually direct myself to a healthier coping mechanism. I didn’t touch the scissors but somewhat unknowingly I began scratching and digging into my arm with my other hand. Not enough that it bled but it got a little swollen and really red and now I have a few scabs. I am wondering if I SI’d? I mean it seems like I did but I am confused. It was almost like I wanted someone to see how much pain I was in. I haven’t told anyone. I even sat through my therapy session Monday without mentioning anything about it or the fight. I would rather run from my therapist than feel the shame in telling her what I did. I’ve been doing so well in therapy, I’d be so embarrassed to admit this and I am not even sure if it’s a problem. Maybe it was a one time thing. We have been talking a lot about some childhood trauma and I think that helps bring back the urges to SI. I keep thinking I don’t need to tell anyone. It was just a little relapse and I promise myself I wont do it again. I am just confused. It feels like the me writing this and the me the other night are two different people.
poster:Bent
thread:448597
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050122/msgs/448597.html