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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on January 26, 2005, at 18:00:22
I'm not suicidal right now, and I'm not full of self harm urges.
But I feel like a fragile vessel that has cracked twice in the past three weeks, and has been patched up with clear tape. I may look ok, but I can feel pressure building at the weak spots and I fear another crack. Ok I really fear a complete shattering, but another crack would be bad enough.
But I'm not sure it will happen. It may well not happen. I'm not sure I should factor that in at all.
I've been to therapy five times a week for the last three weeks. I didn't even feel right about going the twice a week for the years I've been pretty stable on that. Five times a week seems like unbelievable self indulgence. My therapist isn't pushing it. For all I know he objects to it, although he swears he doesn't mind.
I feel like I need that right now. Anything else seems scary. I need more than coaching right now. I need therapy. I must be feeling really horrible to admit that. I need to check in with someone who I can trust to know what to do. I need to balance a lot of needs with a lot of very different goals without short changing anything that needs attention badly. I have so many needs right now.
But I HATE the idea of asking for that much therapy. More than any other reason I may dislike the idea, I hate the total embarassment of asking for so much therapy. I hate the possible humiliation of being told no. I hate the prospect of being told that I'm making too much of how I feel. That I should just get on with things. That I don't need that much therapy. That he doesn't want to see me that often.
I'm not afraid I'll get used to it and want it forever. But I'm afraid I'm making too big a deal out of how I feel right now.
Part of me feels that it's only ok to ask for that much help if I'm a danger to myself or others. And I'm not right now. Thank God it doesn't seem to be occurring to me to make myself a danger to myself or others so that I can justify asking for so much therapy. That would be embarassing beyond measure.
It just doesn't feel right to want so much. And I'm not sure if it's a want or a need. If it's a need, it might possibly just maybe be ok to need so much. If it's a want, I'm dead certain it's not ok at all. No way.
Posted by mair on January 26, 2005, at 18:13:02
In reply to It just doesn't seem right., posted by Dinah on January 26, 2005, at 18:00:22
Funny how we feel we have to be on death's door to be entitled to ask for what we think we need. I would go with whatever feels right for you now. If you feel that 5x week therapy is what will best help you out of your current morass, don't second guess whether or not you should get it. Maybe just be happy that it's an option your T is willing to supply. As soon as you feel up to it, have him help you taper off some.
Mair
Posted by Dinah on January 26, 2005, at 18:21:22
In reply to Re: It just doesn't seem right. » Dinah, posted by mair on January 26, 2005, at 18:13:02
That's the main problem. I'm not entirely sure he's willing to supply it. The first week (crack number one) he insisted on it. The second week we had plans for three times a week to taper back down to normal. Then came crack number two and three more sessions including a Saturday one bringing me to five again. It's been day to day so far this week. And I'm scared each time I ask that he's going to say that he thinks I'm coming in too much. And he's being his usual "You're responsible for your own therapy" self and not even giving me the tiniest inkling of what he thinks. I guess I *do* need to be suicidal for him to let me know what he thinks. :(
So I guess while sometimes I'm honest to the point of foolhardy with him, other times I'm just as scared as someone new to therapy. Actually, we're doing such different stuff in therapy this week that it's almost as if I am new to therapy.
But you're right. I do feel I need to be on death's door to ask for something so self indulgent.
Posted by 64bowtie on January 26, 2005, at 19:56:51
In reply to It just doesn't seem right., posted by Dinah on January 26, 2005, at 18:00:22
(((Dinah))),
'Seem' implies your gut, which always operates in the background, is pointing to a pattern in your foreground, that needs attention....
Try talking directly to your gut and see if there really are demons hiding out there. Believe me, please. Eventually you will recognize your gut's obscure little language, that when bad, highjacks your feelings and blackmails your sensibilities...!
What you are reporting in your post is a highjacking!
Rod
Posted by fallsfall on January 26, 2005, at 20:04:42
In reply to It just doesn't seem right., posted by Dinah on January 26, 2005, at 18:00:22
When you don't need the frequent contact, you will become bored with it, and you won't want to go because you won't want to sit through the sessions. It will feel different from not wanting to go because you feel like a burden. *You* KNOW when you are going too much.
You have been through an awful lot. Can you accept that? And then accept that it is OK to need some help to get stable again?
Posted by littleone on January 26, 2005, at 20:11:01
In reply to Re: It just doesn't seem right. » mair, posted by Dinah on January 26, 2005, at 18:21:22
> But you're right. I do feel I need to be on death's door to ask for something so self indulgent.
Can you see that the reason you're not right on death's door probably *is* because of the frequency of sessions at the moment?If it's keeping that door firmly closed for the time being, then surely that is a need, not a want. It's not self indulgent, it's survival.
Also, there's no point in cutting back quicker than you *need* because you probably would be thrown up against that nasty door again. And who needs that sort of challenge?
Posted by Dinah on January 26, 2005, at 20:46:46
In reply to Re: It just doesn't seem right. » Dinah, posted by littleone on January 26, 2005, at 20:11:01
I suppose I'm going to have to talk to my therapist about this and tell him my fears. To at least get some idea about how he reacts if not how he thinks. Right now he's just crossing his arms and waiting, and it's making me feel really anxious about asking for anything. Not that I wouldn't feel anxious anyway. I *know* this is an important boundary for him. Insisting that it's my therapy. I respect that. But it's making me darn anxious.
I just am not sure I'm willing to make myself that vulnerable to him.
Posted by Poet on January 26, 2005, at 20:50:47
In reply to It just doesn't seem right., posted by Dinah on January 26, 2005, at 18:00:22
Hi Dinah,
I can barely handle once a week for therapy, but here are a few thoughts.
> Part of me feels that it's only ok to ask for that much help if I'm a danger to myself or others. And I'm not right now.Do you think there's a part of you that senses that you might hurt yourself if you don't answer your current therapy needs?
Maybe extra therapy for an agreed upon period with your therapist will help you keep yourself from falling apart. It would give you time to talk about why you think that you are not strong right now, and are afraid the tape that is holding you together will break.
I'm sending psychic crazy glue (LOL) to help you keep together.
Poet
p.s. I will post on my latest issues. I've been working a temp job and have no internet access during the day. I'm dead tired at night. Thanks for caring about me. I care about you, count on it.
Posted by daisym on January 27, 2005, at 0:27:13
In reply to Re: It just doesn't seem right., posted by Poet on January 26, 2005, at 20:50:47
>>>>My personal answer is that you're in pain, and he's offered to help you in a way that he sees you need help. He's a professional who knows his limits and wouldn't offer if he weren't willing. Take him up on whatever caring gestures he offers. Lean on him when standing alone gets too hard. That's what other people are there for.
You wrote this to me. It applies to you too. READ IT TEN TIMES. I keep rereading it. Maybe try setting up extra sessions a few at a time so you aren't so anxious about him saying "no"
Yesterday I told my therapist that I was freaked that he would try to reduce my attachment by reducing sessions. He said no, that he wouldn't do that to me. We talked a lot about the ebb and flow of sessions again. I believe him. I'm glad I told him I was afraid of this. You should bring it up.
Posted by Speaker on January 27, 2005, at 15:52:47
In reply to Re: It just doesn't seem right., posted by daisym on January 27, 2005, at 0:27:13
Dinah,
I am just like you in fearing the rejection of the T's "no". However, I then put the practical side of me to work and think about how much money I am paying him. He has to be at work and it doesn't really matter who it is that is taking up his hour as long as they pay. OK, I know I also want him to CARE but when I feel guilty about seeing him to much I bring out the MONEY side...it eases my concern :). Hope it works a bit for you! I hate it when someone quotes what I have said...BUT, when I read your post I thought of your responses to others. Please be as kind to you as you are to all of us!
Caring,
Marie
Posted by Dinah on January 27, 2005, at 19:19:23
In reply to Re: It just doesn't seem right., posted by daisym on January 27, 2005, at 0:27:13
Posted by Dinah on January 27, 2005, at 19:23:28
In reply to Re: It just doesn't seem right., posted by Poet on January 26, 2005, at 20:50:47
Thanks for the psychic crazy glue. :) It sounds like just what I need.
I hope the temp work is at least interesting or tolerable. Work affects so much how we feel.
Posted by Dinah on January 27, 2005, at 19:25:33
In reply to (((Dinah))) OK, I'll be the practical one!, posted by Speaker on January 27, 2005, at 15:52:47
Unfortunately I'm really fuzzy on what happened. I fell asleep after and woke up feeling just fine. Then went in and worked all day. I'm a mystery to me.
Posted by terrics on January 28, 2005, at 5:57:38
In reply to It just doesn't seem right., posted by Dinah on January 26, 2005, at 18:00:22
Oh Dinah, If you think it is a need, it is. I hope you will be feeling better soon! terrics
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