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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by messadivoce on January 27, 2005, at 0:35:32
Okay I need some input. I'm getting my B.M in music performance and I'm set to give my senior recital in April. I was also required to give a junior recital last year, and I invited my then-T to come. For those of you who have followed my story, we were really close and I still miss him tremendously (he's doing post doc stuff at another university clinic).
My former T came to my junior recital and it was incredibly special. I was so glad he came and he was too. Now I'm in therapy with a new T, a woman, who I've been seeing since Oct, but only recently (like this week) have I even felt a connection with her. My relationship with her is no where near my former T in terms of closeness and intensity.
She knows my former T came to my jr recital, and she knows I'm giving a senior recital. She mentioned a long time ago that she has gone to people's recitals before (we were discussing this in context of my old T).
I'm afraid that if I don't invite her that she might be offended. The situation is different with her in that she's the director of the counselling center and I know for a fact that a few of my collegues have been in therapy with her. My former T coming to my junior recital wasn't a big deal b/c no one else was seeing him--I knew that for a fact. I value my privacy very much-- I haven't seen the need to tell my collegues I'm in therapy. But if she's there then it'll be pretty obvious.
What to do....and yes, it's a weird question.
Posted by rubenstein on January 27, 2005, at 9:28:27
In reply to Offending my T?, posted by messadivoce on January 27, 2005, at 0:35:32
That is so tricky
I am also a musician and I would very much like to see my T come to some of my performances but I was always afraid to ask. Do you want her to come? I think if you do, you should ask her or just casually mention it or something. Gosh that is such a tricky issue. I totally feel for you.
rubenstein
Posted by rainbowbrite on January 27, 2005, at 10:07:33
In reply to Offending my T?, posted by messadivoce on January 27, 2005, at 0:35:32
I think she would totally understand BUT I am curious. Did she no you invited him or could he have asked to come? In anycase could you just say in therapy, you know i really would like you to come to my recital (if you do!) but i don't want anyone to know im in therapy, adn there are people there who may recognize you so thats why im not asking you to come. I know thats not easy to do. I hope it works out.
rain
Posted by messadivoce on January 27, 2005, at 10:30:35
In reply to Re: Offending my T? » messadivoce, posted by rainbowbrite on January 27, 2005, at 10:07:33
She knew that I had invited him. My former T knew I was giving a recital, but never would have tried to invite himself. I know that if I had chosen not to invited him, he would have totally respected that and not felt bad. But he was very touched that I invited him.
Posted by rainbowbrite on January 27, 2005, at 10:40:03
In reply to Re: Offending my T? » rainbowbrite, posted by messadivoce on January 27, 2005, at 10:30:35
oh ok,
btw that is so sweet. That must have felt so nice.
Posted by wheeler on January 27, 2005, at 11:27:06
In reply to Offending my T?, posted by messadivoce on January 27, 2005, at 0:35:32
Well, let's see, I guess I have a couple of thoughts...
I'm not quite sure if you really want her to come or not. Regardless of all other outside factors, what do you truly want?
I'd say if you don't want her to come, then you don't have to invite her. I can't imagine her being offended at all. I'm sure she wants whats best for you and if not inviting her is the right thing for you at the moment, I'm sure she wouldn't have a problem.
On the other hand, if you really want her to come, I would ask her. I have been seeing my therapist for 4 years and I recently got married and asked her to attend. She only came to the ceremony and not the reception.
I understand your concern about other people knowing who she is, but isn't this the same people who also saw her for counseling? Most of my family and friends knew which person was my therapist and regardless of how they felt about it, I felt supported by her.
Anyway, like I said, I think it's important for you to decide what your really want and what works best for you.
Any chance you could talk to her about this?Good Luck, let's us know how you make out.
Wheeler
Posted by Susan47 on January 27, 2005, at 11:32:19
In reply to Offending my T?, posted by messadivoce on January 27, 2005, at 0:35:32
Bluntly: Is a recital not open to the public? Couldn't she make her own choice without you asking her? You don't need to feel like you have to ask her to come; it sounds like you're taking responsibility for her feelings. If you are, then quit that. She's a big girl.
Can I tell you a quick story? Well, I'm going to anyway.
When I saw my counsellor I was in love with my therapist, and my counsellor, who as far as I know has no training at all to do therapy, actually kind of INVITED me to transfer my transference to HIM!!!
I know that sounds unbelievable but it's true. So I want to just say this: Everybody has an ego, everybody wants to be wanted and needed, and my own personal belief is that a person in the helping profession has a bigger portion of this need than most, so don't take that on.
Thanks for letting me blurt.
Posted by Susan47 on January 27, 2005, at 11:34:01
In reply to Re: Offending my T?, posted by Susan47 on January 27, 2005, at 11:32:19
Now on the other hand, maybe she just wants you to feel comfortable if you should ever feel the need to ask her to attend something. She's probably just opening up the possiblity for you for when the time comes that you may feel that need. She's being gentle and letting you know she can be there for you.
Posted by Shortelise on January 27, 2005, at 13:22:49
In reply to Offending my T?, posted by messadivoce on January 27, 2005, at 0:35:32
Not a weird question at all. Tell her. I wouldn't think she'd be at all offended, as it's not about her.
ShortE
Posted by pretty_paints on January 28, 2005, at 13:41:50
In reply to Re: Offending my T? » messadivoce, posted by Shortelise on January 27, 2005, at 13:22:49
Hiya,
I think what you wrote in your first post is absolutely fine. Not offensive at all.
It's funny, I think that these posts are really useful for therapy. Often when people post, maybe they're rushing or just trying to keep things short, but I notice that people seem to say exactly what they want to say in a fairly to-the-point way.
Loads of things I've wanted to mention to my therapist, I write about in a post. Then I take the post and think "right, I'll base what I'm going to say on this, but pad it out a lot more and explain the whys and wherefores of everything...". And then I end up giving a totally long-winded explanation, with a few lies, a few added bits to protect her, blah blah blah.
Increasingly, I am trying to simply use my post. It usually says exactly what I want to say. All the other stuff, you don't really need.
I think your post was perfect. It explains exactly how you feel. It reads as a nice, considerate explanation, not one which would offend her. I don't think what you wrote about your relationship with her being a lot less close and intense would offend her, it's the truth. There are probably loads of reasons why this relationship isn't as intense as your former one, and therefore she wouldn't expect the same treatment (ie: you inviting her to hear you play). Obviously the issue about people realising you have therapy is important. But also, maybe you feel like before it was something special you wanted to share with your T? You had a close relationship, so you wanted him to be there. Maybe you just feel differently about this T, and you therefore might not WANT her to share this experience with you. That's totally fine.
I would think about maybe printing out your post and giving it to her to read, or reading it to her. I honestly think she would be fine about it and not be offended at all.
Lots of love xxxx
Posted by messadivoce on January 29, 2005, at 3:03:01
In reply to Re: Offending my T?, posted by pretty_paints on January 28, 2005, at 13:41:50
I probably will bring this up to my T at some point. I think she would probably understand. Thanks for all your thoughts.
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