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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by 10derheart on January 7, 2005, at 19:38:56
I was wondering if you mailed that awesome letter to your former T. yet? Only if you even want to talk about this, of course.
I often think of you, and how insightful, strong and smart you are at a fairly young age. You've really helped me, too. --10der
Posted by crushedout on January 7, 2005, at 20:55:56
In reply to Hey, Voce..., posted by 10derheart on January 7, 2005, at 19:38:56
10derheart, you are sooo sweet. your name suits you.
Posted by messadivoce on January 8, 2005, at 1:25:37
In reply to Hey, Voce..., posted by 10derheart on January 7, 2005, at 19:38:56
Thanks 10derheart, for asking. I've haven't posted about this in awhile because it takes a lot of energy out of me. But your question comes at a good time. I dropped that letter in the mail on January 3rd. Since I asked him to sit on it for awhile before replying, it's possible it may be awhile before I hear anything back. And then I don't know how long he's on holiday break from the university.
Of course within minutes after mailing it I was assalted with thoughts that I shouldn't have sent it, it was dumb and I should have just left well enough alone. Of course I know that's not the case. I thought about it for oh so long....
I typed it out when I was writing it so I could easily re-work the parts I wanted to, but in the end I ended up copying it over in my own handwriting (3 pages long) and sending it that way (snail mail - seems a step backwards I know). We had e-mailed previously, but it was my thought that seeing my handwriting with the ink all smeared at the bottom would affect him in a way that e-mail wouldn't.
So here I wait and wonder. I still have my bad days of course (it's about half and half). I still miss him, there's still a big hole where he was and no one will ever replace him, but the days that I want to stay in bed all day or when I feel dizzy and sick from missing him are slowly becoming fewer.
I like to share my writing with people although I don't do it very often, but if you (my fellow babblers) would like to read the entire letter, I would probably feel comfortable posting it.
Posted by 10derheart on January 9, 2005, at 22:25:59
In reply to Re: Hey, Voce... » 10derheart, posted by crushedout on January 7, 2005, at 20:55:56
Awww, thanks, crushed, same back to you. That made me blush.I took my name both for loving that Care Bear the most and because I know I can't resist little kids, baby animals, anyone in pain, the whole deal. Both a blessing and a curse, I guess, but it does describe a lot of *me*.
Posted by 10derheart on January 9, 2005, at 22:41:57
In reply to Re: Hey, Voce..., posted by messadivoce on January 8, 2005, at 1:25:37
> Thanks 10derheart, for asking. I've haven't posted about this in awhile because it takes a lot of energy out of me.
That's exactly why I don't post lately (about my ex-T.) The emotions have been so confusing and hour-to-hour, I can't keep up with myself. But I will soon, as a lot has changed. I'm more on the numb side now, but it's okay.
> Of course within minutes after mailing it I was assalted with thoughts that I shouldn't have sent it, it was dumb and I should have just left well enough alone. Of course I know that's not the case. I thought about it for oh so long....Again, I can relate. I have done that with numerous emails and things. Wishing for a recall button and not having one, etc. But your situation is a little more difficult and complicated, I think. I think it was brave. I'll bet, when times passes and however he reacts, it'll be better to know *something* than to wonder if you should have asked and poured out your heart. I'm glad you mailed it. This relationship was sooo important to you, it's probably worth even the risk of further pain.
> So here I wait and wonder. I still have my bad days of course (it's about half and half). I still miss him, there's still a big hole where he was and no one will ever replace him, but the days that I want to stay in bed all day or when I feel dizzy and sick from missing him are slowly becoming fewer.
You've really said it well. That's wonderful you can say half and half. If you're like me, we can pretty much function and go on with the other parts of our lives when it at least reaches that point. The ache is more in the background than in the foreground, sort of?
>
Thanks for posting about this. Take care of yourself. - 10derPS: Are you counting days since you mailed it? I did that obsessively when I first wrote snail mail to ex-T. last September. I hated doing that but couldn't seem to stop it..
Posted by messadivoce on January 10, 2005, at 2:39:42
In reply to Re: Hey, Voce... » messadivoce, posted by 10derheart on January 9, 2005, at 22:41:57
Yeah it's more like a dimished ache than the searing pain it used to be. It's becoming part of who I am. I'm 5'3", blue eyes, I miss my T. It feels perminant, like any other part of me.
I'm not obsessively counting...yet. I do think about it a lot though and occasionally go back and re-read it to see if the words still resonate.
I hope to hear more about your feelings when you feel up to posting. Take care of yourself in the meantime.
Posted by messadivoce on January 11, 2005, at 1:10:17
In reply to Hey, Voce..., posted by 10derheart on January 7, 2005, at 19:38:56
Posted by 10derheart on January 11, 2005, at 18:51:10
In reply to Re: Hey, Voce..., posted by messadivoce on January 10, 2005, at 2:39:42
I really liked your words about it being part of who you are. I know someone's really expressed something that resonates with me when I have that flash of thinking, "Exactly! Why didn't I think of that?!" Ah, when these things happen, I figure great minds think alike, or perhaps more like great hearts feel alike, or sensitive souls do...something alike....oh my goodness I am blathering.
I want to post about my stuff, but have only been managing short ones in other threads. This is because I'm battling severe insomnia where I'm getting maybe 4 hours of troubled sleep a night. It's pretty awful right now, so bad I spent 3/4 of new T's time in session today just on, "why the &^*% can't I sleep?" He was helpful enough, but I was so dazed from exhaustion, it's almost like the session didn't happen. I can't remember much of it right now.
So whenever I get this under better control I will give an update on T1. (News flash: I still miss him) Very un-funny insomniac humor.
Think I'll go lay down. <<giant yawn>>
This is the end of the thread.
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