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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by ghost on January 6, 2005, at 20:59:08
i have so much to say and so much iw ant to say, but i can't verbalize any of it. i'm afraid to talk, or don't know what to say. or know but dont have the energy or courage to do so.
why?
Posted by LittleGirlLost on January 6, 2005, at 21:22:11
In reply to why can't i verbalize?, posted by ghost on January 6, 2005, at 20:59:08
Ghost,
I hear you. I don't have an answer, but wanted to tell you that I'm the same way, so I understand how frustrating it can be. Talking/opening up has always been extremely difficult for me, but lately (and especially tonight) in therapy, I just want to spill it out and can't. We talked about that a little. For me, often I can't even articulate what I want to say. (T says those feelings are pre-verbal.) Also, I'm often afraid to say things... fear of hearing it myself, fear of my reaction... (SO afraid to cry!) And sometimes things are just so disorganized in my head that I don't know where to start and then nothing comes up.
I don't know if I helped you or not; just sharing my experiences.
LGL
> i have so much to say and so much iw ant to say, but i can't verbalize any of it. i'm afraid to talk, or don't know what to say. or know but dont have the energy or courage to do so.
>
> why?
Posted by rainbowbrite on January 6, 2005, at 21:46:48
In reply to why can't i verbalize?, posted by ghost on January 6, 2005, at 20:59:08
that is a very frustrating feeling. i find a way that helps me, its kindof stupid but i just rammble on about insignificant things and every once in awile throw in something. i find that i will gradually get what i want to say out and sometimes it actually becomes easy because ive been mentally preparing for it. (this is unconcsious when i do it, i think but it has worked) I hope this is helpful.
Posted by fallsfall on January 6, 2005, at 21:51:11
In reply to why can't i verbalize?, posted by ghost on January 6, 2005, at 20:59:08
Are you having trouble verbalizing with your therapist or with friends or family? Do you journal? Can you express your thoughts in writing?
Sometimes particular subjects are very scary for us (and sometimes we don't really know that, or we might not know why they are scary). Be gentle with yourself. Work slowly.
We're here.
Posted by fires on January 6, 2005, at 22:37:03
In reply to why can't i verbalize?, posted by ghost on January 6, 2005, at 20:59:08
I think there are many physiological explanations for your "speech" problem.
Also, you might be interested in the following story:
A young couple had 3 kids. The youngest was a 4 year old boy who had never spoken a word. Johnny appeared to be of above average intelligence. The entire family spoke to him, even though he never spoke.
His parents took him to all types of docs and psychs., yet none could tell him why their boy didn't speak. Of course the psychs. came up with all types of bizarre theories on why the boy didn't speak. Several blamed his parents.
One evening, after having been told earlier in the day by an "expert" psych. that they were the reason their boy wouldn't speak, they sat down to eat dinner.
The boy took one bite of his meal, and said: Yuck, this food tastes awful!! His parents were nearly in tears, and his siblings were stunned and amazed: Johnny finally spoke! Mom said: Johnny, why haven't you ever spoken before?"
Johnny replied: "The food was never bad before."
Posted by daisym on January 6, 2005, at 23:53:07
In reply to why can't i verbalize?, posted by ghost on January 6, 2005, at 20:59:08
Ghost,
verbalizing the deep stuff is really hard. REALLY REALLY HARD. Can you tell me what a typical session "looks" like...do you talk at all?Of course, you don't have to. I'm such a blabber mouth usually, it is hard for me to imagine not talking. But I'm afraid of silence.
Posted by mair on January 7, 2005, at 14:48:46
In reply to why can't i verbalize?, posted by ghost on January 6, 2005, at 20:59:08
Ghost - this has been a REAL problem for me. It's really gotten better, but it's taken a LONG time and I still run into problems now and then.
I think alot of my problems arose from wanting everything to sound right and needing to explain things to myself before I could explain them to others. Sort of like spin. Of course when I'm upset and depressed and confused, I can't really explain things to myself so I would never get them out much in therapy. When I was in the worst shape, my T (previous one) would ask me a question, I'd start thinking of an answer I could verbalize, there would be dead silence forever, and eventually my thinking would take me into a more confused state until I just forgot the question. Telling me to Free Associate, as my current T does, just doesn't work for me. And what's worse is that I'd be so critical of myself for those long silences and I hated to be in the middle of those long silences so much that I'd dread even going to therapy if I knew the topic would be one that would be tough for me to talk about. At times that encompassed pretty much every topic.
A couple of things have made this better aside from the practice of years of therapy. Writing here about things helped because I could try ideas out before passing them along to my T. My current T is not crazy about my doing that because she feels that she ends up with the expurgated version after all emotional content has been filtered and distilled. She's right, but at least it got me over an invisible hump and now I don't seem to have to to distill as much.
The other thing that helped was working out an accommodationn with my T where I can just tell her that I don't want to talk about something. I'll say in response to a question (usually after a period of silence) "I don't want to go there," or words to that effect. Of course it makes her want to go there all that much more but the only pushing she does now is to try to get me to talk around the issue if not about the issue. So we may avoid what I don't want to talk about, but try to talk about why I don't want to talk. Sometimes in a more gradual gentle way this will help me screw up the courage to be more forthcoming and sometimes she gets the message that she just needs to back off. It sounds so simple but it's worked for me really well because it's gotten me beyond the embarrassment of the long silences. Either I tolerate them while I push myself to put into words what I need to say or I terminate the silences by telling her I've gone as far as I can. Just talking about all of this and working out these accommodations has helped to make me more comfortable with those silences too.
I don't know why I have so much trouble opening up and why then therapy has to be such a slow process for me. My T says I have trouble because feeling comfortable revealing things about myself without the fear of ridicule is my core issue. Maybe something similar is your core issue too.
I, like you, get hung up on concerns that I might start to cry. I've never shed a tear in 8 years of very regular and fairly intensive therapy; I'm in awe of people who are comfortable expressing their emotions. I don't know whether it's a control issue - sometimes I'm afraid that if I start to cry, I'll never stop because it will open this enormous reservoir of suppressed emotion. I worry that I'll just be too needy. Maybe some of it is just conditioning.
Please keep talking about this; it's a subject near and dear to my heart. I hope my experience is helpful. It does get better with the right therapist - it just takes alot of work.
BTW: I hope I don't sound too much like someone who has this all worked out. I suffered through a very long silence yesterday that brought back awful memories of what therapy used to be like. We still stumble. (;
Mair
Posted by ghost on January 7, 2005, at 22:29:09
In reply to why can't i verbalize?, posted by ghost on January 6, 2005, at 20:59:08
reading all of your posts has helped... at least to not feel alone. i do like to write but even wriiting lately is too much. i did buy another journal and a couple of nice new pens to help, but it's hard to get away for quiet time unless it's, say, at work on my lunchbreak.
i appreciated everyone sharing. maybe the T can break out the crayons on Monday and we can not verbalize for awhile.
ghost
Posted by Aphrodite on January 8, 2005, at 4:36:37
In reply to Re: why can't i verbalize?, posted by ghost on January 7, 2005, at 22:29:09
> i appreciated everyone sharing. maybe the T can break out the crayons on Monday and we can not verbalize for awhile.
>This sounds quite wonderful actually! Maybe you need to build trust, access your emotions, just be in your T's presence before you can talk. It's OK. If you feel an urge to speak but can't, could you ask your T to ask you specific questions so that you can get your story out a word or a phrase out at a time? Sometimes my T will say standard things like, "Can you say more about that?" and I'll ask him to ask specifics. It sometimes gets the ball rolling.
Good luck!
Posted by gardenergirl on January 8, 2005, at 14:34:59
In reply to Re: why can't i verbalize? » ghost, posted by Aphrodite on January 8, 2005, at 4:36:37
> Sometimes my T will say standard things like, "Can you say more about that?" and I'll ask him to ask specifics. It sometimes gets the ball rolling.
Oooh, another one of those frequently used T phrases...I LMAO once when a professor said that to me.
gg
Posted by Fallen4MyT on January 9, 2005, at 0:21:37
In reply to Re: why can't i verbalize?, posted by ghost on January 7, 2005, at 22:29:09
Crazy as it sounds maybe reward yourself every time you write in your journal....with something you like but not food or drugs or anything that may cause new issues for you....buy something cheap youve been wanting and so on....?
> reading all of your posts has helped... at least to not feel alone. i do like to write but even wriiting lately is too much. i did buy another journal and a couple of nice new pens to help, but it's hard to get away for quiet time unless it's, say, at work on my lunchbreak.
>
> i appreciated everyone sharing. maybe the T can break out the crayons on Monday and we can not verbalize for awhile.
>
>
> ghost
Posted by ghost on January 10, 2005, at 20:33:05
In reply to Re: why can't i verbalize? » ghost, posted by Fallen4MyT on January 9, 2005, at 0:21:37
heh. i read this after the fact but today i bought a bottle of water and one of those little crystal light packets and made lemonade-- as a treat for writing :)
Posted by ghost on January 10, 2005, at 20:33:34
In reply to Re: why can't i verbalize? » ghost, posted by Aphrodite on January 8, 2005, at 4:36:37
that's a good idea!
thanks :)
Posted by Fallen4MyT on January 10, 2005, at 23:58:38
In reply to Re: why can't i verbalize? » Fallen4MyT, posted by ghost on January 10, 2005, at 20:33:05
LOL cool and crystal light is not bad for you ...far as I know :) GOOD to hear YOU WROTE thats the most important thing :)
> heh. i read this after the fact but today i bought a bottle of water and one of those little crystal light packets and made lemonade-- as a treat for writing :)
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