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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on December 29, 2004, at 11:54:43
I'm lucky my therapist knows me so long, or he'd probably think I was going crazy.
I've said before that I am generally in some degree in an altered state of consciousness when I go to therapy. A light trance that facilitates the deliberate emergence of my emotional, and "younger" I suppose, self. I've asked my therapist if it's bad to deliberately induce that so that I can show up regularly for therapy as opposed to the spontaneous "regressions" or as my rational side calls them "hostile takeovers" that is usually the only way to emerge. He thinks that since the overall effect is that I do less destructive things and there are fewer hostile takeovers that it's not bad of me.
But even though I do it all the time, there are differences in how deep I go into the trance or whatever it is. Sometimes I feel like I'm barely there at all, and I sound not too much different from my rational self although there are still differences in things like the way I sit and how I sound and what words I use. The deeper I go, the greater the differences. And sometimes in the course of a session I go so deep that I can barely find words at all, and the words I use don't make a lot of sense to anyone but me. I start trying to use my hands to describe things.
Yesterday was like that, and far off, part of me was wondering if my therapist thought I was having a psychotic break. But strangely enough, he seemed to understand what I was saying.
It was all about hot pink and yellow, maybe a bit of orange and white. Mod colors. And how I felt like I needed to create a pink and yellow world so I could be safe, and that's why I was having trouble with spending right now. But that no matter how much I spent, I couldn't seem to have *enough* pink and yellow. And that maybe the problem was that I was buying things that *felt* pink and yellow but weren't. Things from the mod early seventies, but not actually pink and yellow. And that maybe if I redid my study in pink and yellow entirely, I could quit spending. And I told him how when things were really scary lately, I closed my eyes and saw pink and yellow swirling around, and I knew I needed to surround myself by pink and yellow. I'm not sure I actually said it this well, because I didn't have many words.
And he actually understood. Or at least I think he understood. He said things that would make sense if he understood. That there wasn't enough pink and yellow to buy to make things safe again. That I needed to find the pink and yellow inside me. I don't think there's enough pink and yellow inside me, though.
Sometimes when something isn't there anymore you know what was so important about it. I knew it about Harry, but I didn't really know it about Daddy. I like to be loved. I like it a lot.
Oh well. This probably doesn't make sense, but that also probably gives you a good idea what it was like in my session yesterday. I can't believe my therapist understood.
Posted by Aphrodite on December 29, 2004, at 13:26:08
In reply to Pink and yellow swirls - largely incomprehensible, posted by Dinah on December 29, 2004, at 11:54:43
I am sure that, over the years, the two of you have the ability to communicate in more ways than mere linear and coherent words. He can read your face, your body language, your tone -- all of those things that convey what you are feeling.
I am reminded of the color wheel of emotions you alluded to before in describing your emotions. This sounds like an extension of that. For whatever it is worth, I understood what you were saying.
You have so much to process and feel right now. I'm glad he can hang in there with you.
Posted by Dinah on December 29, 2004, at 17:58:38
In reply to Re: Pink and yellow swirls - largely incomprehensi » Dinah, posted by Aphrodite on December 29, 2004, at 13:26:08
You understood? Thanks, Aphrodite.
Everyone wants me to be so grown up now. Daddy left everything for me to handle. My mom is leaning on me a bit (for her anyway, I'm sure it won't last). I'm trying to make sure that things at work are going to go the way Daddy would have wanted, and the only way to do that in some cases is to take on some of the responsibility I have tried to avoid my entire life. I've found that the only way I can keep my OCD and anxiety disorders under control is to structure my life to reduce stress and responsibility. And now I have to weigh that against doing what I think is right. Doing what I think is right is winning, but I'm not sleeping. I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to sleep again, or if I'm going to have all the problems I used to have before I restructured my life. Well that's a slight exaggeration. I *am* sleeping, just not well - at least in the early mornings.
I have this intense desire to retreat to the time before my troubles. When Daddy was still a giant, albeit a scary one. When Mama still loved me (before I started calling her "Mother"). When it was a Mod Mod world.
My therapist wants me to slow down and not be so frantic. But it seems impossible.
Posted by daisym on December 29, 2004, at 19:14:14
In reply to Re: Pink and yellow swirls - largely incomprehensi » Aphrodite, posted by Dinah on December 29, 2004, at 17:58:38
Frantic is so very hard. I just spent weeks there and it makes coping with anything larger than a solitary ant impossible. I felt like I was either screaming inside my head or sobbing all the time. I'm barely out and away from it now...
I understand the yellow and pink too. Only for me it was pale green and cream. I wore those colors a lot...I was looking for soothing, I guess. Now I've moved back to black. I only wore red a little this Holiday season, how sad is that?
You will get through this Dinah. Sometimes doing what is right is choosing not to do something. Or not do it RIGHT NOW. So many times people think they have to do everything when someone dies right away. Like clean out their clothes or go through old papers. It can wait. And it isn't only up to you, your brother should pitch in.
Try not to push yourself to move past your grief too quickly. Allow yourself to miss your dad. You can't earn a medal for bravery here, so go ahead and fall apart a little. I'm glad your therapist understood you.
(((Dinah)))
Posted by littleone on December 29, 2004, at 20:44:05
In reply to Pink and yellow swirls - largely incomprehensible, posted by Dinah on December 29, 2004, at 11:54:43
Dinah, I've been reading through some of the archives and just happened upon an old post of yours that reminded me of this current post. Not sure if your pink and yellow swirls of today are in any way linked to your sunset/safe harbour.
Posted by Dinah on December 29, 2004, at 21:13:24
In reply to Re: Pink and yellow swirls - largely incomprehensible » Dinah, posted by littleone on December 29, 2004, at 20:44:05
Wow. I really need to save some of my own posts rather than just other people's.
I think it's very much the same in that I tend at my most basic level to think in terms of colors. I really see emotions in terms of colors rather than words. The colors that I associated with safety and him were glorious backlit sunset colors - something Thomas Kinkaid (sp?) might paint. While these are the bold garish colors of the late sixties, early seventies. The colors of a particularly safe time in my life, I suppose. Or the time right before I started having troubles. I think, if I remember correctly, it was the time when I started getting really close to my father, but before I started fighting with my mother.
I really am struck by the fact that they're the same colors though. Pink and yellow and orange. My emotional self must have a very strong attachment to those colors, since it came up in two different contexts a while apart in time. Verrry interesting. :) I'll have to mention it to my therapist.
And perhaps I ought to scan the archives occasionally. It might be looking back through a journal.
Thanks for linking me to it.
What I find really funny is that rational me finds those colors not at all soothing or safe. Rational me would surround myself with dusky shades of mauve or plum. Maaaybe lavender or if I'm really bold, periwinkle. A completely different part of the color spectrum.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on December 29, 2004, at 21:22:57
In reply to Re: Pink and yellow swirls - largely incomprehensible » Dinah, posted by littleone on December 29, 2004, at 20:44:05
Wow littleone way astute...you oughta be a T
> Dinah, I've been reading through some of the archives and just happened upon an old post of yours that reminded me of this current post. Not sure if your pink and yellow swirls of today are in any way linked to your sunset/safe harbour.
>
> http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031202/
Posted by annierose on December 29, 2004, at 22:50:05
In reply to Re: Pink and yellow swirls - largely incomprehensible » littleone, posted by Fallen4MyT on December 29, 2004, at 21:22:57
Dinah -
I think I do understand. When I'm in therapy, I close my eyes and often I see swirls of periwinkle and pink. I've never shared my swirling colors with my T. Yours seems more connected to feelings, I'm not sure what mine are ... just colors? Thanks for making me think twice about this. I feel like I'm watch a movie screen of passing colors. And I don't like it when my T interrupts "the show" with a question, "what's going through your mind right now?" ... I guess I should answer "periwinkle".Are you sensitive to sounds while you are in session too? I hear everything.
Posted by daisym on December 29, 2004, at 23:00:13
In reply to Re: Pink and yellow swirls - largely incomprehensible » littleone, posted by Dinah on December 29, 2004, at 21:13:24
I do this, especially when I'm really struggling and I feel like I have been around this block before. Usually I find a post and sadly, discover I'm feeling the EXACT same way. Reading rarely makes me feel better. BUT, I do take some of the posts with me into therapy and talk about how I don't feel like I've made any progress. It gives us a chance to look closely and see if I have. He almost always can find some way that I'm doing something better.
Just a warning I guess. Be careful what you pick to read. You are especially vulnerable right now.
Yup, this is me being the "mommy." :)
Posted by Dinah on December 29, 2004, at 23:24:10
In reply to Re: Pink and yellow swirls - largely incomprehensi » Dinah, posted by daisym on December 29, 2004, at 19:14:14
My brother's gone back to Afghanistan. :( Left this morning. I got to spend a while with him on Christmas before he left though. You know, all my dogs just love him to pieces. It's enough to make me think well of him just for that.
I don't know how to stop the frantic. Whenever I slow down, I seem to start falling apart. I hate to go to sleep because I know what waits for me in the early morning.
Plus, it's so important to me that things get done the way he'd want them done. But, understandably perhaps (although it's hard for me to see that), others don't seem to care that much about his wishes. Just because he's dead! Geesh...
But that's what my therapist wants me to do, I think. Stop with the frantic and sit and feel. Or maybe just stop being self destructive with the frantic. I'd like that too, I suppose. But obviously not enough.
(I'm glad you're starting to feel less frantic. I hope it lasts.)
Posted by Dinah on December 29, 2004, at 23:31:25
In reply to Re: Pink and yellow swirls - largely incomprehensible, posted by annierose on December 29, 2004, at 22:50:05
When he first switched offices, I heard everything. It was quite disconcerting because his office is not very soundproof. But now my focus is so intensely concentrated on him and on what's going on inside myself, and most importantly on what's going on in the space between us that I doubt I hear anything but what's being said. But I can feel every subtle shift in mood. :) And even though my eyes are tightly closed, I can feel every move he's making as well as if they were open.
Except that he not infrequently forgets to turn off his cell phone and it rings and he gets up to turn it off (and peek at who called I suspect, tho he says he's just fixing the setting to silent). It makes me jump a foot because I'm so focused. And it's really hard to get back to where I was.
Posted by Dinah on December 29, 2004, at 23:31:55
In reply to Reading Past Posts » Dinah, posted by daisym on December 29, 2004, at 23:00:13
Posted by annierose on December 30, 2004, at 7:07:58
In reply to Re: Pink and yellow swirls - largely incomprehensible » annierose, posted by Dinah on December 29, 2004, at 23:31:25
Yes Dinah - I'm with you on the hearing everything. I hear when she shifts position in her chair, reaches for a pen and the cell phone thing happens too (and I hear her read the "text message"), reaches for a kleenex, etc. I didn't know you close your eyes as well, but you are sitting, right?
You are doing such good deeds from the heart for your father. He does appreciate it.
I can't remember if it's this thread or another, you were talking with dasiym about sitting with pain. A co-worker of mine gave me a poem for Christmas and it talked about that. The poem is very long, so I'm just typing a small excerpt, from "The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.
"I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.... I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in empty moments."The actual piece is 3x as long. Although not it's intention, part of it does speak to the therapy-client relationship for me. What do you think?
Posted by littleone on December 30, 2004, at 16:27:19
In reply to Re: Pink and yellow swirls - largely incomprehensible » littleone, posted by Fallen4MyT on December 29, 2004, at 21:22:57
> Wow littleone way astute...you oughta be a T
I'd be hiding in my office and peeking out at the clients in the waiting room. When I ushered them in and they tried to shake my hand, I'd recoil in disgust. I'd stare at the carpet and wait for them to talk. I can see a lot of silent sessions.
Somehow I don't think I'd get many repeat visits.
But I'm great with details. I should be an auditor. If you suspect someone is ripping off the company, I'll find it. I have a knack for seeing things like that. Numbers. Words. But I s*ck with people.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on December 30, 2004, at 21:14:23
In reply to HA! I can see it now.... » Fallen4MyT, posted by littleone on December 30, 2004, at 16:27:19
LMAO well you are VERY smart and maybe could hide in another room and speak into a microphone to a T so he/she would sound wise :P T by proxy!!!!!
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