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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jonh kimble on December 28, 2004, at 2:57:33
Hi Ive had social anxiety or something like it for 5 maybe 6 years (more like whole life). I was into meds, had this theory, that theory, nothing has worked but high dose benzos (and only a bit) and booze (same deal.) But one thing that has worked, Ive recongnized it for years but its so hard to achieve that I dont even consider it, until now... That is if i can forget how i am performing and how others perceive me (its happened a handful of times my whole life) My social anxiety revolves completly around conversational awkwardness and I always find myself agreeing so much with people. I recognize I shouldnt but I have no idea how to be sincere and stop this cycle in a conversation while not feeling like a jerk and exposing myself to something too hard to deal with.
The moment I say what I mean I think "was that offensive? Maybe. But what about that tone in their voice? And how relaxed do I look? Im fine. But what if this stops? That could happen any moment! Like now! There it is! What are they talking about? I have no idea what to say! they can tell how awkward I am. Now they feel the same way! Just leave without giving yourself away any more." This happens every time. The closer I get to someone, the greater this mental dialogue takes place. I will not allow myself to get close to anyone, including my immediate family! I be sincere i freak out and feel like a jerk. I do the usual I run out of pleasant interesting things to say in about 5 seconds, and the above thought process clearly makes conversing impossible. Its so hard too practice to because the result is almost always immensly painful.
How do I stop being so afraid of hurting others and hurting myself? Is it desensitization? But how? This is the story of my life, I cant have any real relationships and feel like this authenticness in conversations is crucial but impossible to solving this. One small prob. like this can devastate your life, its nuts, just as it has for several members in my family. Anyway please relate if you can! Thank you. Thanks a million. Tom
Posted by 64bowtie on December 28, 2004, at 13:55:25
In reply to social perfectionism still ruling my life, posted by jonh kimble on December 28, 2004, at 2:57:33
Parenting works best by induction of a moral coda on to us. Sadly, parents don't know when to quit. Picture an 85 yearlod Mom hassling her 70 yearold son for not living upto (down to) her expectations on this or that issue, from her death-bed! There is a time for inducing and a time for concerned-observing. After the teen becomes a person, back off and get a grip!
Assume the parent screwed-up and you are continually shuddering with fear of wrongness. Look carefully at beliefs. Beliefs are a tool we can use to filter in whatever works and filter out the junk of life.
Chronic criticism can render us useless. This is induction of beliefs, preventing us from exericising our options. If the belief is faulty based on false opinions, conflict with what we see and hear right in front of us can render us useless.
In 2000, I hypothesised that suspending beliefs, one at a time, long enought to discover if:
1. the belief is useful...
2. the belief is our own...
...we can then decide to keep, update, or discard the belief. Eventually our lives become our own lives. We filter new stuff more effectively improving our lives, releasing the bonds of faulty beliefs.Rod
Posted by jonh kimble on December 30, 2004, at 3:17:35
In reply to social perfectionism still ruling my life, posted by jonh kimble on December 28, 2004, at 2:57:33
Hmm, I could see a guilt styled get in line format having been somewhat indoctrinated in me from when I was young. One time someone got very angry at me for a small thing, I of course started to come apart with distress etc.. only to find out they were joking and using it to teach me. After that I have never felt better. I cant really expect love ect.. if its not me acting, and fear of disaproval etc.. are immanent. How is this working for you? Are you happier yet?:) Tom
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