Shown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Skittles on November 28, 2004, at 14:41:40
Many of you have suggested that I do it and my therapist has recently mentioned it as an option, so I'm taking this in with me tomorrow. I thought about adding the fact that I'm afraid to tell her that I spend a lot of time thinking about dying, but decided against it. Since she's suggested AD's and I refused, I feel like I've made my choice and going into this would just be whining and would put me at risk of being exactly what I've written about. What I have down is terrifying enough for guarded little me! Anyway, here it is:
“You’re too demanding. You wear people out.” That’s what my mother told me. Now I am terrified that I am and that I do. I think about it constantly in all my relationships. Am I intruding too much? Am I being a bother? My goal is to stay a hundred miles away from these invisible lines. I worry about it a lot here too. I am afraid to let you know exactly how dependent I feel on you because I don’t want to be too demanding and wear you out. I am afraid to cry too much in your office. I “leak” some because that is beyond my control, but I work very hard to keep the dam from bursting entirely. To sob would mean to risk being too demanding and wearing you out. I have a hard time calling you unless I have a very specific question to ask. Even then I worry that it’s too much and that I’ve made a mistake. There have been a handful of occasions when something happened or I had a difficult decision to make and I wanted to call, but didn’t because I was afraid it would mean I was too demanding and might wear you out.
Posted by littleone on November 28, 2004, at 15:56:04
In reply to Writing for my Therapist, posted by Skittles on November 28, 2004, at 14:41:40
Wow Skittles, definately give her that stuff. That's exactly the kind of stuff she needs to know to help you. I hope she finds the right words/actions to reassure you that you won't wear her out. I can't recall how often you see her or call her, but it would probably have to be way over the top before she starts to get worn out.
If you're worried about expressing everything you feel in therapy and wearing her out during your sessions, think of it this way. In my sessions I'm a complete vegetable. Just sitting there silent unless spoken to. He's flat out getting more than a yes or no out of me. Usually it's an "I don't know". I'm sure that sort of thing must wear them out a whole lot more. I've always thought they would love the intense sessions full of feelings. They're the ones they would make the most change in and hence feel most satisfying for them.
But of course, that could just be me seeing the grass greener on your side of the couch.
I think you should probably also put in the stuff about feeling s at times. That is very very important. It may affect how hard she pushes you about stuff or what direction she thinks would be best or what areas to concentrate on. Just because you decide AD's aren't the best thing for you, doesn't mean that you shouldn't be allowed to feel s. You've chosen not to go down the AD path and she should respect that and work around it. For what it's worth, I became less s when I dumped my AD's. Not that I don't still have my bad days.
Hope it goes well for you.
Posted by Skittles on November 28, 2004, at 16:11:53
In reply to Re: Writing for my Therapist » Skittles, posted by littleone on November 28, 2004, at 15:56:04
Oh littleone, I'm just like you describe yourself in session. I've often thought I should just make myself a sign that says "I don't know" and take it with me to hold up after every question. Part of the reason I don't talk is because some things are just so hard to say. The other part is that I am terrified of the emotions it would bring up. I'm pretty sure it would make me really needy and I'm not confident she'd be able to meet my needs or that I could even let her if she tried. It all comes back to the fear of being too demanding - so I just sit there mute.
Posted by littleone on November 28, 2004, at 16:25:50
In reply to Writing for my Therapist, posted by Skittles on November 28, 2004, at 14:41:40
Sorry I misinterpretted you. Now that I read it again, I can see that you're even more similar to me than I first realised.
> Am I intruding too much? Am I being a bother?
Wow, this is me to a T (just the letter T, not short for Therapist). It's basically how I live my life. I don't want to be a bother to anyone. Even when I am s, I don't want to call my T and bother him. Although I'm sure he would want me to, knowing it and *knowing* it are two totally different things.
> “You’re too demanding. You wear people out.” That’s what my mother told me.I'm not sure how much work you've done with your childhood, but in all likelihood, this is totally untrue. She's made those into you statements, when they probably should have been I statements. "I don't have enough to give you. I don't know how to meet your needs."
Even when you realise this in your head, it will take a lot of work to believe it in your heart too. Or at least I guess it will. I still don't believe my untrue childhood beliefs.
Posted by littleone on November 28, 2004, at 16:32:49
In reply to Re: Writing for my Therapist » littleone, posted by Skittles on November 28, 2004, at 16:11:53
> Part of the reason I don't talk is because some things are just so hard to say. The other part is that I am terrified of the emotions it would bring up. I'm pretty sure it would make me really needy and I'm not confident she'd be able to meet my needs or that I could even let her if she tried. It all comes back to the fear of being too demanding
I'm so impressed that you can see that about yourself. Not only do I not let my T into my head, but I usually don't let me in either. If I try to even think about why I can't talk to people, I just hear from myself "I don't know. I don't know. I don't know." Like a mantra.
> so I just sit there mute.
You know what really annoys me? When I finally do utter something, I am so so so quiet that he can never hear me. It was hard enough to say it in the first place. It takes tremendous courage to say it again. And even then, it's not usually something momentous. Hardly seems worth the effort to repeat it.
Posted by fallsfall on November 28, 2004, at 16:48:58
In reply to Writing for my Therapist, posted by Skittles on November 28, 2004, at 14:41:40
Excellent writing. I would really encourage you to bring this to your therapist.
Posted by Skittles on November 28, 2004, at 17:14:29
In reply to Re: Writing for my Therapist » Skittles, posted by littleone on November 28, 2004, at 16:32:49
>> You know what really annoys me? When I finally do utter something, I am so so so quiet that he can never hear me. It was hard enough to say it in the first place. It takes tremendous courage to say it again. And even then, it's not usually something momentous. Hardly seems worth the effort to repeat it.
Are we the same person??? I'm sitting here about to jump out of my skin in excitment over the fact that I am not a weirdo and that someone else shares my experience. I do the exact same thing. Once I can spit something out, I seem to mumble it very quickly and quietly. I nearly always have to repeat myself. Then, like you say, what I've finally shared seems so inconsequential. I feel like it's a letdown for my T and she must be thinking, "We've worked weeks to get to *that*? That piddly little piece of information?"
Posted by Skittles on November 30, 2004, at 2:29:45
In reply to Re: Writing for my Therapist » littleone, posted by Skittles on November 28, 2004, at 17:14:29
I feel like such a loser. I took it with me but I didn't give it to her. I don't understand why, but I never seem to give any information she doesn't specifically ask for. So if she'd asked me if I'd written anything, I probably would have taken it out of my purse and given it to her. I think I may put it in an envelope with a post-it explaining and keep it in my car. Then, if I have a moment of bravery, I can drop it by her office. And once it's done, I won't have the option of changing my mind. It seems like a juvenile way to handle it, but I'm afraid it's the best I can do.
Posted by fallsfall on November 30, 2004, at 7:40:28
In reply to I couldn't do it, posted by Skittles on November 30, 2004, at 2:29:45
You are not a loser. This kind of thing is really, really hard.
I like the idea of dropping it off for her - or you could mail it. As much as you "don't" want to talk about this, it probably would be really productive (don't you love things that are "productive"??) to talk about it.
Be patient with yourself.
Posted by Bent on November 30, 2004, at 11:07:30
In reply to I couldn't do it, posted by Skittles on November 30, 2004, at 2:29:45
You are not a loser. This isnt easy, I know. The first time I tried to give/read something that I wrote for my T I felt like such a failure and really beat myself up. I ended up giving it to the receptionist after my session and asking her to put it in my T's mailbox. I felt so cheap. One other time I wrote my T a letter and I took it to every session for four weeks before I could ever even mention it to her! Now, writing is a common thing in my therapy. My T and I look back at that letter that I carried with me for so many weeks and laugh (nicely :)) about it.
You will get there. Writing can be so powerful and my therapy wouldnt be nearly as helpful without it. I know it's rough in the begininng. Just do it, you have nothing to lose and you will feel so much better after you tell your T.
Best of luck!
Posted by Skittles on December 7, 2004, at 0:44:43
In reply to Writing for my Therapist, posted by Skittles on November 28, 2004, at 14:41:40
Well, today I finally gave it to her. After carrying it with me for four appointments. She responded perfectly. There isn't anything I can think of that I would have liked to hear that she didn't say. She covered it all. I'm feeling really, really good about things at the moment. But at the same time, I am scared. The fear will probably take over at some point - and it may be sooner rather than later. But that's okay, because right now feels great!!
She said she didn't think the dependency was bad at all. She sees it as a sign that I am building trust. She explained that a huge part of what we are doing together is to help me learn to trust people. And that it makes sense to her that my neediness is directed toward her right now. This was wonderful for me to hear because I had been worried about that. I didn't know how much importance she placed on the actual relationship. It helps to know we are both on the same page.
She said that if I'm thinking about calling her, then I should call her. Again, it makes sense to her that she is the person I want to call. She said that, yes, having other people I want to call is a goal. But right now, that's all it is. Just a goal. She doesn't expect me to be there yet and I don't even have to be thinking about it right now. It's okay to be just with her. I asked for ground rules. She said if I was suicidal, she certainly wanted to hear from me. But she also said that if I just needed to hear her voice, to feel grounded, she wants to hear from me then too, even if it's late at night. Or if I have a decision that I would like her help with. She said she realizes I have a life the days I don't see her and if something important comes up, I don't have to wait. She explained what would happen if I called during the day, versus after hours when I would get her service. During the day, I'm to let the secretary know whether I need her pulled out of session, to call between clients, or whether it can wait until the end of the day. So really, no rules. It was what I needed to hear, but I was really hoping for something more like, "I'd prefer you didn't call after 10pm. Saturdays are okay, but please give me Sunday for my family." I'm comfortable with rules, but maybe that is part of my problem.
She assured me that I would not wear her out. That I need to learn that my needs are normal and it's ok to ask that they be met. I told her I was still afraid that she was just saying that and that later there would come a point where she would change her mind. She said she will always try to reassure me with her words, but that probably I'm going to have to try it out some before I can really believe it. Oh, and back to the calling thing. She said that she would never think anything I called about was trivial. That if it was important to me, it was important to her.
I'm sorry I've gone on and on. I am in tears after writing it all down. I can't help feeling that it's just too good to be true and that my heart will end up broken. It's all so different and scarey.
Posted by littleone on December 7, 2004, at 14:14:24
In reply to Re: Writing for T - I DID IT!!!!!!, posted by Skittles on December 7, 2004, at 0:44:43
I'm so happy for you Skittles. It can be so scary to hand over those secret thoughts.
The timing of your post is funny for me. I usually give my T written stuff every visit, but usually it is more thinking stuff than feeling stuff. This time I was completely miserable between sessions and wrote out a whole stack of feeling stuff. I kind of wrote it to him, but not for him, if that makes sense.
Usually when I hand my stuff over to him, I have to really separate myself from the writing of it. Like I have to completely blank out what's written there and imagine I'm giving him nothingness. I guess the feeling stuff I wrote was still a bit raw for me and I couldn't hand it over. Was really kicking myself afterwards.
Sorry to make this about me. What I meant to say was that if you rarely say anything of substance to your T, it would be a good idea to get into the habit of writing for her between every session. My T insists on it and I'm sure your T would find it immensely helpful. It gets a little easier to hand it over each time. The first couple of times are the worst.
It's also helpful in that if you don't write one session, it sends up a bit of a red flag to your T that maybe there's something there you're avoiding.
Whenever I don't write something, my T always says "Well that means we'll have to talk instead, doesn't it?". I really hate those sessions, so that's a big incentive to write.
Posted by daisym on December 7, 2004, at 19:35:03
In reply to Re: Writing for T - I DID IT!!!!!! » Skittles, posted by littleone on December 7, 2004, at 14:14:24
I'm really glad for you. And I'm glad your therapist was really open to you needing her. Her answers sounded so much like what my therapist would say. And he has never gone back on any of it.
Print out your post and keep it. Whenever you doubt you should call her, read it over. Whenever you begin to feel like too much, read it over. Whenever you doubt your relationship, read it over.
Keep writing and keep sharing stuff with her. It will really move you forward.
Posted by Dinah on December 8, 2004, at 22:09:58
In reply to Re: Writing for T - I DID IT!!!!!!, posted by Skittles on December 7, 2004, at 0:44:43
You took a risk, and she responded warmly. That's terrific.
This is the end of the thread.
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