![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua on November 21, 2004, at 11:14:17
I’m not whining this morning, I promise. I wrote a long post about this yesterday and lost it (too quick on the trigger, I guess, or maybe I really didn’t want to post it until I had given it some more thought.)
In any case, it’s almost Sunday afternoon and I need to work through this, which means I have to write. So here we go.
I don’t like my T very much anymore. After 13+ years of her attention, insight, patience, whatever, I’ve gotten to the point where I feel she’s somewhat irrelevant. This is significant, I realize, because it’s such a strong feeling, aemotional if that were even a word. So I know it’s important, but I just haven’t figured out why. It may be a good thing and I’m having trouble dealing w/my own emotions and my own feelings of loss.
I’ve been very open w/her and we’ve discussed this very honestly over the last few weeks.
I’ve been angry at her for a while. When I fell and hurt myself badly last month while trying to escape from a flashback, I was angry at her because I thought she was protecting me and things like this wouldn’t/shouldn’t happen. She always said we would never move faster than I what I was ready for, yada, yada, yada. She certainly didn’t push me into anything, so my anger really wasn’t justified, but it was real.
When I am in session w/her, I’m fine. I listen to her, respect her opinions and usually agree w/her insights. Afterwards, and for the ensuing week, I feel real animosity toward her. “This is just her job,” I tell myself, “and when it comes down to it, she doesn’t care about me at all. She doesn’t have to think about me for a week and gets on w/her own life.” Theoretically, this is all quite true, but I feel an unwarranted anger as well.
Last week I told her all this. She says I’m using “this is her job” as a defense to protect myself from hurt. O.k., maybe so.
But I’ve realized something else now, and it’s not necessarily bad. She wasn’t there when I fell and hurt myself and had a major breakdown w/the ambulance and hospital personnel, who had to tie me down and inject me w/who knows how many different drugs to calm me down because I was having flashbacks. I fought like hell. I, of course, was fighting my abusers in a way I’d never been able to do, and if the medical personnel had understood my situation they may not have been so harsh and humiliating. I had to fight alone, w/no one to help. Just as I tried to do in my head as a kid against my own father. I never fought him; it would have been inconceivable for me to ever have even thought it was possible. So all my feelings have been bottled up for 30 years and they are finding a path out now. I have dreams where I wake up bashing imaginary attackers and I feel some of the early pain passing out of my younger body—I don’t have to hold my breath all the time. I’m not doing EMDR anymore and maybe that would help, but I have to keep myself in control right now so I can’t risk it.
In any case, my T couldn’t save me from falling, and while I madly wished she would have helped me as a child, my mother couldn’t (or wouldn’t) do anything to protect me. I can never fill that need I had as a child to be cared for, protected and loved unconditionally. I can do it for my own children as best as I can, but that particular need will never be met for me. I accept that now and I’m not looking anymore. My T keeps telling me “you have options now that you didn’t have as a young girl.” Options, options, options, that’s what keeps me going. The adult me is finding ways to heal the hurt girls, but it’s coming from me, and not from someone else anymore: my mother or my T.
While I mourn the loss of what I never had, and never will have, I try not to feel too cheated. I’m not there yet, but maybe I will someday. I don’t want to live in the past anymore, aching and searching for what can never be. I want to find what works for me today.
So, this leads me back to my T. She’s not superhuman, she can’t save me or help me, I recognize that, but why am I so indifferent to her? Maybe it’s just that I put her up on a pedestal and although I thought I’ve accepted she is a mortal woman, I’m mourning the loss of my fantasy, of my perfect mother.
Sorry for the length, everyone, but I needed to write.
Thanks,
antigua
Posted by antigua on November 21, 2004, at 11:18:01
In reply to I don't like my T anymore. :( Lengthy!, posted by antigua on November 21, 2004, at 11:14:17
Posted by gardenergirl on November 21, 2004, at 12:42:09
In reply to I don't like my T anymore. :( Lengthy!, posted by antigua on November 21, 2004, at 11:14:17
>
> While I mourn the loss of what I never had, and never will have, I try not to feel too cheated. I’m not there yet, but maybe I will someday. I don’t want to live in the past anymore, aching and searching for what can never be. I want to find what works for me today.
>
> So, this leads me back to my T. She’s not superhuman, she can’t save me or help me, I recognize that, but why am I so indifferent to her? Maybe it’s just that I put her up on a pedestal and although I thought I’ve accepted she is a mortal woman, I’m mourning the loss of my fantasy, of my perfect mother.
>Hi antigua,
I'm glad you are finding ways to heal yourself, and I hope you stay safe while doing it. That experience with the fall sounds just awful. I was struck by these two paragraphs of what you wrote. I think your last conclusion, mourning the loss of the ideal in your T is very valid. I've had those feelings, too. The ideal feels safe, and human does not feel as safe, especially if you have been really hurt before. But there's good and bad in it. Giving up the ideal is a sign of growth, because lord knows, none of us are ideal or perfect. So it's more reality-based, but scarier, at least for me.Good luck on your journey. I wish you peace.
gg
Posted by Aphrodite on November 21, 2004, at 15:26:56
In reply to I don't like my T anymore. :( Lengthy!, posted by antigua on November 21, 2004, at 11:14:17
Antigua,
Your post made me cry. What a sad thing for you -- I'm so impressed, though, that you've actually been able to tell this to her. What an incredibly open relationship you've been able to build.
I think your conclusion is hard one to come to that you're not going to have the unconditional mother you so deserved. This is a big issue for me, too. So, if your illusion of your T being this for you has been shattered, can you work on what the relationship *can* be from now on? I've often asked my T that in light of the parental abuse and neglect, things I can never change, what is the best I can possibly hope for? It always leads to a good discussion.
For me, I've found being a good mother to my own child is very healing. It's nice to be able to give what I never received. But I am all too aware that I while I can *imagine* it, I do not know what it is like to be a little child having her hair stroked, being lavished with unconditional love, being comforted when crying, and that is a lot to mourn. A lot.
But there is much to hope for, too. And I think that, all things considered, it seems like your T is a very special person, and perhaps your relationship is just about to change and take on a whole new dynamic. After mourning the loss of your T as mother, you may be able to have something new and positive come from it.
I'm sending lots of good vibes your way. Your words really moved me. (((Antigua)))
Posted by daisym on November 21, 2004, at 16:48:08
In reply to I don't like my T anymore. :( Lengthy!, posted by antigua on November 21, 2004, at 11:14:17
Oh Antigua, I'm sorry for this struggle.
I think it must be very difficult to realize that no matter how good your therapist is, she can't undo what has been done. I think I *know* this, but I sometimes think I'm still secretly wishing for a "do over" -- another chance at childhood. You are grieving, but as grief is a process, you may have moved into a different stage now.
After 13 years, of course your therapist cares for you. I'm sure she thinks about you, and I'm so impressed that you can talk about all this with her. Perhaps you need another perspective right now, a consultation or a group?
I think you need to be careful to not under estimate that aftermath of your accident. This was a huge trauma, new trauma, compounded with old trauma. It will take a while to work through all the feelings that go with trauma. It sounds like there is a lot of PTSD stuff coming up from the accident itself.
Be extra nice to yourself. I'm glad you have chocolate on hand. Keep writing if it helps.
Daisy
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.