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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua on September 9, 2004, at 12:45:29
I was telling my regular T this week about what had happened in EMDR the day before. It was kind of shocking, but it was fantastic because so many more things had become clearer to me--mostly, I understand better the origin of my shame over being abused. I was just speaking very matter of factly, no overt emotion but not w/o emotion, recounting the facts really and she quickly took in an extra breath (as if she couldn't breathe)and when I looked at her (I don't always look at her), I saw big tears in her eyes. She was clearly overcome. I ignored it, mostly because I wanted to finish what I had to say and never discussed it w/her. She regained her composure immediately.
If I asked her (and I will) why what I said affected her like that, I'm pretty sure she will say something about how far I've come and how wonderful it is to see, etc. etc. But then again, maybe what I said really shocked her and then I would have to deal w/disgust, shame, etc. I will ask her next week to make sure it's not the latter.
It made me feel a bit strange. Not uncomfortable, but just... I don't know the words, which I guess is bothering me.
But my question is, Have you ever made your T cry?
antigua
Posted by Dinah on September 9, 2004, at 13:04:07
In reply to Have You Ever Made Your T Cry?, posted by antigua on September 9, 2004, at 12:45:29
But my story isn't particularly cry-worthy.
I'm sooo glad you made a breakthrough in exploring your feelings of shame! It seems like a frequently underexplored area of therapy.
Posted by partlycloudy on September 9, 2004, at 13:16:55
In reply to Have You Ever Made Your T Cry?, posted by antigua on September 9, 2004, at 12:45:29
I'm a tear factory and my T is pretty responsive. We have both sat there sniffling at each other. It doesn't bother me, at least I know she's listening!
Posted by vwoolf on September 9, 2004, at 13:41:17
In reply to Have You Ever Made Your T Cry?, posted by antigua on September 9, 2004, at 12:45:29
My T cried on Monday during my session. In the last few weeks I have been getting closer and closer to the sadness I felt as a small child with an uncaring mother and abusive father - something I have never allowed myself to accept before now. I was telling her about a song I loved and used to sing when I was about five - which starts with the words "Gone are the days, when my heart was young and gay.....I hear the Gentle Voices calling Poor Old Joe" - you may know it. And it suddenly occurred to me that no five year old should be crying about loss like this. I felt overwhelmed by the pain of it, and cried bitterly. I think I had wanted to die even then. In fact I think I sort of died in a way many times during my childhood. Anyway, when I looked up, my T was drying her eyes. I think she was crying for me, but even more, I think she was crying over some very private, childhood hurt of hers. It was a strange feeling, that we could both cry over the same pain. I think that at this point I have overcome all my feelings of mistrust towards her - she would never willingly betray me.
Posted by pantt on September 9, 2004, at 15:03:07
In reply to Have You Ever Made Your T Cry?, posted by antigua on September 9, 2004, at 12:45:29
Posted by shortelise on September 9, 2004, at 15:40:02
In reply to Yes unless it was allergies (nm), posted by pantt on September 9, 2004, at 15:03:07
I have many times seen tears in his eyes. He has never wept.
ShortE
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on September 9, 2004, at 15:44:42
In reply to Have You Ever Made Your T Cry?, posted by antigua on September 9, 2004, at 12:45:29
Posted by allisonf on September 9, 2004, at 16:17:44
In reply to nope. But have made his BLUSH (nm), posted by Miss Honeychurch on September 9, 2004, at 15:44:42
Once I made her blush and it was so sweet! I was teasing her that I didn't want to listen to another one of her "proposals". I don't know why that got to her, but she really blushed. It was so cute.
Once or twice I saw her get tears in her eyes. I just ignored it, tho I wish we would've talked about it.
Posted by daisym on September 9, 2004, at 18:01:16
In reply to Have You Ever Made Your T Cry?, posted by antigua on September 9, 2004, at 12:45:29
I have expressed concerns that what I'm telling is too hard to take...the reflections of tears, shock or sadness. I describe the "appalled" look on his face sometimes. It has been explained to me, both here and by my therapist, that the stories I'm telling deserve these kinds of reactions. They are appalling or sad. He isn't reacting to make me feel bad about telling, it is the appropriate reactions. I have to learn that. I want to quickly withdraw or gloss over the details when I see this.
I think sometimes we do touch a deep place from their own past and that is what is coming up.
I'm glad you are achieving more clarity and are able to relate more to those emotions. Keep up the good work!
Posted by shrinking violet on September 9, 2004, at 18:16:21
In reply to Re: Have You Ever Made Your T Cry?, posted by daisym on September 9, 2004, at 18:01:16
Hm, I'm not actually sure. A few times I thought I noticed tears in her eyes. Once, a few months ago, I showed her some artwork, and as she was looking at one she paused for a long while, ran her hand over the page a few times, and her face sort of started to contort. I was just about to mention it to her, ask if she was okay, but then she turned the page and seemed to compose herself. So I was never sure if she was really on the verge of crying, or if I was just imagining. A couple of sessions ago, she was reading some writing of mine, and I was talking about how it isnt fair that some people who deserve children never get them, and some who dont deserve them do. I specifically mentioned her, how innately nurturing and warm she is, and how a child (um, me lol) would have been so very lucky to have had her for a mother and could have benefited from a relationship with her. Well, she read that and called me a "dear woman" and then she looked up and said that I was the sweetest person she had ever met, and I could have sworn I saw her eyes tear up and her voice might have broken a bit. But then she kept talking and seemed okay, so then I wasnt sure. Either she's REALLY good at composing herself very quickly, or I'm seeing things that arent there.
In a weird way, I almost want to make her really cry, at least once. Maybe then I'll know she really does care, or that the things I tell her do matter as much as she says. But maybe that's just a selfish wish.
Posted by Klokka on September 9, 2004, at 19:54:27
In reply to Have You Ever Made Your T Cry?, posted by antigua on September 9, 2004, at 12:45:29
Which is definitely a good thing, as he's usually so calm and there's nothing particularly sad at all about my story (I'm just weak) that I would freak out if ever that happened. At best, I'd be confused and stop talking for the time being. I'm thinking I'd be much more likely to be horrified and bolt, though.
That may also be in part due to the fact that my parents (and others) have always criticized me for being such a crybaby and pointed out people who wouldn't dare shed a tear in public as shining examplse of I'm not sure what - so it still strikes me as a little odd that "normal folk" cry at all, even when I realize it's a perfectly acceptable thing to do.
Posted by lucy stone on September 9, 2004, at 20:56:27
In reply to Have You Ever Made Your T Cry?, posted by antigua on September 9, 2004, at 12:45:29
Not that I know of, but I have heard his voice sound teary a few times. He has bad allergies, though, so it might just have been that. I don't see his face so I don't really know.
Posted by crushedout on September 9, 2004, at 22:55:30
In reply to Have You Ever Made Your T Cry?, posted by antigua on September 9, 2004, at 12:45:29
If you count big welling up of tears without any actual spillover, I'm pretty sure my T has cried many more times in therapy than I have. She's had actual tears on her cheeks at least once, which was the first time I ever cried in therapy, after seeing her for about a year. My T cries a lot in other words. I don't cry very often. I like it that she does that, but like many things she does with me, I'm not sure it's that great for me in the long run. It contributes to my sense that we're more than T and P and fuels my transference.
Posted by antigua on September 10, 2004, at 14:50:43
In reply to Re: Have You Ever Made Your T Cry?, posted by daisym on September 9, 2004, at 18:01:16
"He isn't reacting to make me feel bad about telling, it is the appropriate reactions. I have to learn that. I want to quickly withdraw or gloss over the details when I see this."
Daisy, you nailed it. It's the same reaction as when I give her something to read and I hear some really distressed sounds from her (I can't be in the room w/her when she reads).
That's what I do--quickly withdraw or gloss over the details. Wonder what that is about. I will bring it up next session because I know it's important since we are moving on to mother issues anyway.
Thank you so much everyone. You've helped me a lot.
antigua
Posted by Susan47 on September 10, 2004, at 15:23:48
In reply to Re: Have You Ever Made Your T Cry? » antigua, posted by crushedout on September 9, 2004, at 22:55:30
"I'm not sure it's that great for me in the long run. It contributes to my sense that we're more than T and P and fuels my transference."
Makes me feel like, "Yes, exactly" although I could be wrong of course.
IMO it's so hard when a therapist is comapssionate and we need that and have to pay for it and they have to make a living at it. I used to tell my therapist that I felt like I was paying a prostitute for sex or something. I bet he'd heard it before, too. I mean, so much of therapy felt like compassion and pity (oh look at this poor thing) and I just couldn't take it, I kept trying to ignore it and work away from it. Virtualscream.
Posted by terrics on September 12, 2004, at 9:02:11
In reply to Have You Ever Made Your T Cry?, posted by antigua on September 9, 2004, at 12:45:29
I deliberately made a T cry. It was a pay back. [very BPD i know]. I knew something was wrong with her and that she was afraid of borderlines. A few weeks after she told me I was borderline I cried for 2 hrs from the devastation. She said I could sit in her office alone or leave. I left.
It is no joke how intuitive I am after I know someone, so I told her that a borderline patient of hers recently commited suicide. She started crying. It was cruel of me. She dumped me and I really felt bad. terrics
Posted by Susan47 on September 12, 2004, at 19:46:19
In reply to Re: Have You Ever Made Your T Cry?, posted by terrics on September 12, 2004, at 9:02:11
How did she dump you?
Posted by terrics on September 13, 2004, at 14:58:39
In reply to Re: Have You Ever Made Your T Cry? » terrics, posted by Susan47 on September 12, 2004, at 19:46:19
I told her I had spoken to the employee assistance program about her and she said 'THAT"S IT' I cannot take anymore. terrics
Posted by Susan47 on September 15, 2004, at 21:54:44
In reply to Re: Have You Ever Made Your T Cry? » Susan47, posted by terrics on September 13, 2004, at 14:58:39
It sounds like she felt betrayed.
Posted by terrics on September 16, 2004, at 7:56:41
In reply to Re: Have You Ever Made Your T Cry?, posted by Susan47 on September 15, 2004, at 21:54:44
Yes, I guess she was betrayed. She also betrayed me. terrics
Posted by Susan47 on September 16, 2004, at 8:15:49
In reply to Re: Have You Ever Made Your T Cry? » Susan47, posted by terrics on September 16, 2004, at 7:56:41
It's good you're not seeing each other anymore. (((terrics)))
This is the end of the thread.
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