![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 149 to 173 of 241. Go back in thread:
Posted by Pfinstegg on August 22, 2004, at 23:21:09
In reply to Re: Pfinstegg, posted by Jadah on August 22, 2004, at 20:48:23
That showed so much courage- it must have been the hardest thing you have ever have had to do. You know you have a tremendous amount of support from everyone here, but I hope you can find a new and wonderful therapist for yourself. Since you are having phone sessions with him, still, you have time to interview several to see who *feels* the best. I really think that's worth doing- I did it, and of the four I saw, the one I'm with now just seemed right the moment I walked into his office. You do want to be a bit choosy, as you will be feeling so much loss, and a powerful mixture of good and bad feelings about what has occurred- you do need someone- male or female- who can deal with that situation with sophistication and empathy- as well as the issues which originally brought you to therapy.
Thank you for letting us know what you did; many of us have had you in mind, and were concerned not to see you posting. I just have to say it once more: what you did is the ultimate in courage and strength. I think it's so healthy that YOU did it, rather than waiting for him- that might have meant more lost years when you didn't progress towards finding a loving man just for you. Please post when you feel like it, and let us know how things are going. Therapy is so often intensely painful, but what he allowed to happen adds so many other intense feelings- loneliness, anger, regret for having to give up the wonderful parts of that relationship, doubt about the future, etc. I feel confident that a really good therapist whose boundaries you can trust will help tremendously in lessening the pain you must be feeling now. I hope you will keep us informed.
Posted by Pfinstegg on August 22, 2004, at 23:24:52
In reply to Re: Pfinstegg, posted by Jadah on August 22, 2004, at 20:48:23
Posted by Susan47 on August 23, 2004, at 1:05:22
In reply to Re: Pfinstegg, posted by Jadah on August 22, 2004, at 20:48:23
Jadah, if we can help you we will. Please keep in touch, don't stop posting if it helps you. What you're going through is probably horrible. For your sake honey, I hope you're not pregnant because it's so hard to be hurt by the father of your child. I spent eight years or so talking to a ghost after he deserted us. Please be okay.
How did you end it?
Posted by kindgirl on August 23, 2004, at 9:13:23
In reply to You can do this and be okay...., posted by Susan47 on August 23, 2004, at 1:05:22
Jadah,
You are so courageous, and so brave, and good for you. You probably won't do anything harder in your life. When my affair ended (he dumped me) I was devastated. I wish I was the one who ended it...so to hear that you did makes me smile today.I think you knew there was no easy way out of this....it was getting messy being in the relationship and it was going to be messy getting out. It is all a huge mess right now. I am so sorry. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place in a lot of ways.
But I think you standing up for yourself and realizing that no matter how "good" this felt you have decided to keep trying for something better...something healthy...something good for Jadah. There is true love out there for you, Jadah. You sound like such a warm and caring person and I know you will find love again when you are ready. Right now I imagine you just want to bury your head under the covers. That's okay too.
I am praying for you today, if that is okay. Keep updating here because I know all of us worry about you and want to help you in any way we can. (((((((((((jadah))))))))))
Posted by Susan47 on August 23, 2004, at 10:19:41
In reply to Re: Pfinstegg, posted by Jadah on August 22, 2004, at 20:48:23
...is really wonderful Jadah. Would you be willing to take it as an option?
Posted by Susan47 on August 23, 2004, at 22:45:23
In reply to Re: Babblemail, posted by Susan47 on August 23, 2004, at 10:19:41
Am I scaring Jadah away? I can be quiet if you want me to, I will.
Posted by Jadah on August 29, 2004, at 17:34:56
In reply to Re: You can do this and be okay...., posted by kindgirl on August 23, 2004, at 9:13:23
I hate him, I love him..... I hurt. There is a whole in my heart and an even bigger one in the pit of my stomach. I cant cry anymore, I just want to curl up in a ball for a while and disapear. I need you guys. Im falling apart, my friends are worried about me and are angry because I am not being honest about what is really going on with me. Im reaching for anything at this point. I just dont want to feel. I hate him.....I love him. It is truley over. Be back later....
Jadah
Posted by Susan47 on August 29, 2004, at 22:14:56
In reply to Re: Im hurting so bad, posted by Jadah on August 29, 2004, at 17:34:56
Oh Jadah we're here.
Posted by Susan47 on August 29, 2004, at 22:24:30
In reply to Re: Im hurting so bad, posted by Jadah on August 29, 2004, at 17:34:56
Jadah I really really feel for you. I know when I'm in that space you're in it feels like the end of the world to me.
Loving, hating, re-living moments over and over again. Almost like, trying to decide if what I did was the right thing. What if I'd done it differently, what if I'd behaved this or that way. Issues like, was he worth it, and maybe he's made an idiot out of me all this time, stuff like that all weigh so heavily on my mind.
What does it feel like for you?
Posted by gardenergirl on August 29, 2004, at 23:10:22
In reply to Re: Im hurting so bad, posted by Susan47 on August 29, 2004, at 22:24:30
I'm so sorry Jadah. You have quite a complex relationship with your T. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. I wish I could take the hurt away. I hope you find insight and healing within.
Be good to yourself.
gg
Posted by Starlight on August 31, 2004, at 14:12:03
In reply to Re: Im hurting so bad, posted by Jadah on August 29, 2004, at 17:34:56
Hi Jadah,
Curl up in a ball and do what you need to do to feel better. Get some ice cream and when you've got the strength go for a walk and appreciate yourself for the courage it took for you to make that move. And it was great for you to end it rather than him, which would have hurt even more. And think about this - he's the one who has been dependent on you, he's the one who has been gaining from your relationship, you're the one who has been wronged, but in the end, you've been his therapist. He's cultivated your dependency by always being there for you, but he's the one who was getting therapy, he was making himself feel better about what he's done by taking 'care' of you, but you're the teacher here. Not the other way around.Can you recognize how much strength and power that you had to muster in order to do this - you're a powerful creature! Respect and honor that. You made the honorable choice.
Now - here's the most important part, DO NOT JUDGE YOURSELF OR THE SITUATION! JUST OBSERVE IT! There's a reason why it happened, so back away from it and try to just observe it without judgement and see it more clearly.
And then, pamper yourself. Take a hot bath, light some candles and honor yourself for exercising your strength and being the bigger person in this situation.
Sometimes it's hard to be the bigger person and take responsibility for your decision because we can get caught up in second guessing. But you're taking better care of your mental health by doing so.
All the best,
starlight
Posted by Pfinstegg on September 1, 2004, at 20:26:01
In reply to Re: Im hurting so bad, posted by Jadah on August 29, 2004, at 17:34:56
Hi Jadah..I know it's hurting beyond belief. I still think it's so great you found the strength to do it. Are you able to interview other therapists now? I think that would be such a good first step in getting to a place where you are suffering less. I hope you keep talking to us, even when you feel so bad.
Posted by starlight on September 5, 2004, at 2:07:33
In reply to Re: Im hurting so bad » Jadah, posted by Pfinstegg on September 1, 2004, at 20:26:01
Hey Jadah,
Just thinking about you and hope that you're doing okay. I also hope that you touch base with us soon.
starlight
Posted by Susan47 on September 5, 2004, at 9:33:10
In reply to Re: Im hurting so bad - Jadah, posted by starlight on September 5, 2004, at 2:07:33
I'm with Starlight. (((Jadah)))
Posted by Jadah on September 15, 2004, at 16:59:56
In reply to Re: Im hurting so bad - Jadah, posted by starlight on September 5, 2004, at 2:07:33
Hi everyone, I hope you all are doing well. I know its been awhile. Where do I start? Im still very hurt but Im moving into alot of anger. I feel used and thrown away at my own expense. I feel things that I swore I wouldnt because "he was different".... like I wonder if he'll do it again, he took advantage of me abd of my feelings and vulnerabilty. I lost, he didnt because he went back to his family, I went back to the feelings. I cant believe that he is scum enough to cheat on his wife (and kids) as long as he did and walked away with no scratches. This is why I wonder if he will do it again, he had no consequences, I made it easy for him. Im not out to get him in trouble, I played my part too. I feel so stupid that I allowed all this to go on. The next person wont. I do still love him and believes that he cares about me very much, however I also know that things are over. I never thought I would think all of this. I hate him right now, more days than none. He says he is worried about me, and doesnt like the fact that I wont process my feelings about this so we can talk about it. Im afraid I'll lose it if I did, Im so angry. He still says that he loves me. Its funny, I see myself going through all the stages of greif and loss...(denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance).. I hope I can get to the end in one piece. The last thing I want right now is a relationship, even though I am lonely. I think about his wife and kids a lot and him going about his life. I just want mine back. You guys were right in all that you've said. I was just too blind to recognize it at the time. Dont let this happen to you. LOVE HURTS...I WILL SURVIVE. Right now kind of half-heartedly looking for a new therapist. In the mean time, believe it or not, I am still seeing him for therapy. Crazy, I know. One step at a time. Miss you guys! As always, thanks for the support. Talk to you soon.
Jadah
Posted by Jadah on September 15, 2004, at 18:41:13
In reply to Re: Pfinstegg, posted by Jadah on August 22, 2004, at 20:48:23
9-15-04
Dear ,
I’m not even sure where to begin, I have so many mixed feelings. Many of them I never thought I would feel. You commented once that one day I would resent you for crossing the line, I said “no way”. I do. This is certainly an I hate you don’t leave me time. I want to thank you for showing me what love could be like, but at the same time I am severely angry that you shared it and then took it away. My regrets? Mainly that there are still so many things that I did not get to do, small but risky things that were intimate and therefore scary to me, things that I think I would only feel comfortable being vulnerable and taking the risk with you. I do wonder what it would be like to have fucked you and shown you everything I have learned (as opposed to always making love), I know that wasnt the point of our being together. I miss you touching me, kissing me, holding me, being inside of me….the very things that, in some ways, I somehow feel taken advantage of. Right now, everything that I felt and learned from our being together is clouded with anger. You loved and left me….. Like so many others in my life. Physically, you are still present, that has always hurt. I still have that big, empty whole in my stomach, the one that only you could fill (for now). More conflicting and surprising thoughts…. How could you have sex with me and then go home to your wife and have sex with her/ or vice versa. How could you look at us in the eye and say loving and compassionate words? Did you tell us both the same things? Was I so desperate and needy that I fell for it? I told you I would never hurt you, something you cant say. I told you that I am not out to get you in trouble in any way. I stick to my word. Since the beginning I have made this affair nothing but easy for you, even at my expense. Everything has always been about you. I let you have your cake and eat it too. I gave you a free ticket in and out so that you could go about your merry ways uninterrupted. You’ve lost nothing. With no consequences, I fear that in the future you will compromise your boundaries with someone else. Not everyone will be as naïve and understanding as myself. It bothers me to think that your life has not been turned upside down, that you still go home at night to your family and live as you please. I often wonder how solid your marital foundation is. You don’t seem to be home a lot, which is none of my business. These are some of the reasons though, that I felt you could get comfortable with the situation, and that it could have continued. I do not dispute the idea that you care about me and maybe even love me. You could never feel for me as deeply as I feel and love you, we’ve both always known that. I wonder if you have other patients that you have said the same thing to. I know that you are human and have wants and desires like everyone else. God, I want you inside of me, holding me, kissing…… I will deal with all of my feelings all the while trying to be mature enough to keep seeing you on a therapeutic level. You are the only one that knows me inside and out, who comforts me with kind words in a soothing tone, who sits and holds me and allows me to cry, free from consequences or guilt. You give me what I need in that realm and it is in this sense that I think you are irreplaceable as my therapist. Five years is a long time, a lot of work. There is so much more that I can say, my mind is so disorganized right now. Giving you this much is more than I intended, as I did not want to give you the satisfaction of knowing just exactly how powerful you can be in my life…. Big secret…. I have no choice but to get over you. I look at you as being a “man”, and in that sense, your actions cannot be faulted. This is what men do…. isn’t it? Our relationship will be different for awhile while I heal, but I do believe that ours is strong enough to overcome anything. I do not feel, at this point, that I wish to hear any responses or disputes that you may have at this time, or any time, as I do not feel as though I am at a place where I would believe any rebuttal. I am naïve, but I’m not stupid. See you soon.
I hate you, don’t leave me.
J
Posted by Pfinstegg on September 15, 2004, at 18:53:21
In reply to Re: letter to my T re: our affair/ discretion, posted by Jadah on September 15, 2004, at 18:41:13
So honest, and so thoughtful and articulate. So glad you are moving through the grieving stages; it sounds as though you are really in touch with your feelings (definitely a sign of health!), perhaps to a greater extent than he is. I have such confidence that you will find a healthy way out. You'll take some very precious things with you, but some extraordinary losses, too- something it was his resposibility to protect you from. I guess a huge step is moving on to another therapist, with whom you can really process the entire experience- but, as you say, one thing at a time.
Thanks for keeping us informed- it means a lot to -well,me!
Posted by pinkeye on September 15, 2004, at 19:26:39
In reply to Re: letter to my T re: our affair/ discretion, posted by Jadah on September 15, 2004, at 18:41:13
Hi Jadah,
We all knew it was coming to this, didn't we. I am so sorry you are hurting so much now.
But ass much as you feel angry towards this man, try to remember that you also went into the relationship fully knowing the consequences? And you did get the pleasure too. Maybe acknowleding that you did get lot out of him would ease your anger. Finally he has left you, but atleast you got a good 5 years. Maybe you can try to be happy about that and take it with you and go and find someone new now? Don't think you wasted 5 years in your life. You have evolved, grown, had some fun with him albeit some difficulties. So can you try looking at that perspective? It might help ease the anger and the betrayal that you feel.
Pinkeye
Posted by Dr. Bob on September 15, 2004, at 20:44:13
In reply to Re: letter to my T re: our affair/ discretion, posted by Jadah on September 15, 2004, at 18:41:13
> I do wonder what it would be like to have f[*]cked you and shown you everything I have learned...
Sorry to do this in this context, but I'm afraid I need to remind you not to use language here that could offend others.
If you or others have questions about this or about posting policies in general, or are interested in alternative ways of expressing yourself, please see the FAQ:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
Follow-ups regarding these issues should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration. They, as well as replies to the above post, should of course themselves be civil.
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by Susan47 on September 15, 2004, at 22:27:58
In reply to Re: Still here, posted by Jadah on September 15, 2004, at 16:59:56
I hope things get emotionally better for both of you. Whatever his reasons are for his role in this, I hope he can see them and deal with it adequately. He will if he's a thoughtful person. And if he isn't. then he'll probably do this again/has done it before/is doing it again now. I feel really bad for you Jadah and I wish I could help it all go away. But it will in time. It will,, time does truly take away pain, or changes it's shape. It won't always feel the way it does right now.
Posted by Susan47 on September 16, 2004, at 18:54:15
In reply to Thanks for posting here, Jadah., posted by Susan47 on September 15, 2004, at 22:27:58
Dr. Bob: Jadah's use of the word "fuck" was entirely appropriate when taken in context.
If she'd posted in "Writing" would she have been allowed to use this word? It's in the dictionary. fuck - An act of copulation. 2 A person, esp. a woman, considered in sexual terms or as a sexual partner. (Also) Copulate. 2 Copulate with. Ruin, spoil, exhaust, wear out. She was posting a letter she wrote and she means what she says; it wasn't directed at any person, it *was* in context and you were naive to point it up.Dr. B I'm offended that you refer to Jadah's use of the word "fuck". It said exactly what she had to say when she had to say it. Give us an alternative word. If she'd posted in "Writing" would you have had the same reaction? Because if you would, that's a problem. IMO. (Ban me baby)
Posted by Susan47 on September 16, 2004, at 18:55:44
In reply to Re: Thanks for posting here, Jadah., posted by Susan47 on September 16, 2004, at 18:54:15
emailed him. I'm feeling rebellious though and right now I can't really say I care. Kisses everybody. I'm feeling upset, I apologize if I've raised any blood pressures. Or not.
Posted by Susan47 on September 16, 2004, at 19:11:23
In reply to Re: letter to my T re: our affair/ discretion, posted by Jadah on September 15, 2004, at 18:41:13
absolutely right-on wasn't it. You're amazing, I'm in awe of that last sentence.
How come Babblers seem to know themselves better than people in real life? I mean, we don't always get it right, especially when we're feeling hurt; but we seem to be thinking about the same things, I mean, dealing with ourselves on a level that I'm not feeling in RL.
Posted by Jadah on September 16, 2004, at 23:09:24
In reply to Re: please be civil » Jadah, posted by Dr. Bob on September 15, 2004, at 20:44:13
Dr.Bob
I apologize for the oversight, I had removed a lot prior to posting. I would so love to hear your advice/input on my situation, especially since you are the expert and a professional! Please????!!!!
Jadah
Posted by Jadah on September 16, 2004, at 23:15:28
In reply to Above was for Dr. Bob, maybe I should've, posted by Susan47 on September 16, 2004, at 18:55:44
Thank you for your support. I see his point, I might have offended someone. I wonder what is going on with you that you are feeling so rebellious? Sounds like you are having a hard time??... spill it, that's what we are here for. Hope to hear from you soon. Take care...
Jadah
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.