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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by lonelygal on August 29, 2004, at 17:39:15
i've only met with my new therapist twice now- and she has diagnosed me with adjustment disorder rule out dysthymic disorder. i'm not sure how i feel about this. i dont' like having a 'disorder'.
i haven't opened up to her at all (of course it's only been two times), but i'm not sure i'll open up to her in the near future at all. i feel like its a waste of my time. i want my old t back, but of course that can't happen, and i'm pretty sure old t hates me now. i feel like i shouldnt go, that it is a waste of $, and the bits and pieces i've told my friends about therapy- well, i always end up getting made fun of for it. one of my best friends is right though that the old t caused me way too much drama and that she thinks it was completely ridiculous how i worried all the time about that relationship. so part of me thinks i shouldnt' be in therapy- that i should just ignore everything and act normal. and also, that i can't be that abnormal, that lots of people have issues, and they dont' go to therapy to talk about them and they are fine. i don't want any drama with new t. and i don't want to be needy and feel annoying and i dont' want her to hate me or leave me or hurt me. okay, i'll stop rambling now.
Posted by JenStar on August 29, 2004, at 18:27:02
In reply to babbling about my new therapist, posted by lonelygal on August 29, 2004, at 17:39:15
hi lonelygal,
The part about your friend really resonated with me. Here are some of my thoughts on it!I've found that some of my best friend "in real life" don't really understand some of the things I can talk about here -- depression, anxiety, or therapy.
Sometimes I fall into the trap of making jokes about therapy, or making light of depression/etc. to my friends, which encourages them to do the same, just because I'm embarrassed to let them know how important some of this stuff is. I don't think they are trying to hurt me when they poke fun, now -- they were just following my lead and doing what I "told" them was OK to do. Obviously I don't know if you have ever done the same...but it's something I resolve to stop doing because I don't like the results. :)
Your friend who makes fun of it may be trying to make an awkward situation more pleasant, or might be joking to cover up uncertainty about how to behave. It's also something she's not part of -- a private "club of two" between you and your T -- and she might (subconsciously) make fun of it to try and win you back or get you to believe that therapy is silly.
Worrying and caring about the therapeutic relationship is really very normal - just look at all the books and theories on transference! I think it's also normal that your friend really doesn't understand it. Most people don't, until they go into therapy themselves or have a close relative to into it.
Also, I'm sure your old T doesn't hate you! And maybe you'll really come to like/trust the new one, given enough time? I would also say not to drop therapy just because your friends don't go. Therapy can be really useful for some people, and it's up to you to decide whether or not it's right for you.
About the diagnosis...maybe take it as a starting point? See what happens? What suggestions can your T offer you? I hate labels myself...it feels kind of icky to be labeled. But once you get going with the T hopefully you won't think about the label at all and will focus instead on improving whatever you want to improve. (And if she's just not clicking with you and isn't working out..you'll know in a few sessions...and you can move on to a diff. T!)
I hope things work out. Let us know what you decide.
Keep us updated! :)JenStar
I know this is going to be a poor analogy, but in college one of my best friends decided to rush a frat. He got in, and after that he abandoned (sort of!) the old group. I used to love hanging out with him and laughing with him, and now he was gone with the guys most of the time. While he was rushing, I used to poke fun at the frat and make fun of it, because I felt angry at it (for taking him away). At least, that's how I analyze it now, from a distance of many years!
> i've only met with my new therapist twice now- and she has diagnosed me with adjustment disorder rule out dysthymic disorder. i'm not sure how i feel about this. i dont' like having a 'disorder'.
> i haven't opened up to her at all (of course it's only been two times), but i'm not sure i'll open up to her in the near future at all. i feel like its a waste of my time. i want my old t back, but of course that can't happen, and i'm pretty sure old t hates me now. i feel like i shouldnt go, that it is a waste of $, and the bits and pieces i've told my friends about therapy- well, i always end up getting made fun of for it. one of my best friends is right though that the old t caused me way too much drama and that she thinks it was completely ridiculous how i worried all the time about that relationship. so part of me thinks i shouldnt' be in therapy- that i should just ignore everything and act normal. and also, that i can't be that abnormal, that lots of people have issues, and they dont' go to therapy to talk about them and they are fine. i don't want any drama with new t. and i don't want to be needy and feel annoying and i dont' want her to hate me or leave me or hurt me. okay, i'll stop rambling now.
Posted by lonelygal on August 29, 2004, at 20:54:14
In reply to Re: babbling about my new therapist » lonelygal, posted by JenStar on August 29, 2004, at 18:27:02
Hi JenStar,
Thanks for replying- you had a lot of good points that I will keep thinking about....
I think I have in the past made fun of therapy and maybe that's why my friend felt comfortable going off on me the other day. Maybe I am to blame too for giving her a skewed view of everything- I leave out parts that would probably explain a lot, but I feel too uncomfortable to share with her. I guess I am glad though that I know how she really feels now & I probably won't bring up the subject of therapy with her anymore.
As far as if I should go to therapy... well I see that there are things that have happened that I should discuss, but umm well whether I get to discussing them is another story. One of my friend's points was that therapy for me has turned into building a relationship with a therapist and learning to trust her instead of going there and talking about whatever problems I have. She thinks its ridiculous that I would spend money to try to have a relationship with someone. I see her point. And, I could see how it would be frustrating for her to hear about how I'm not sure if I should trust this t when she probably feels like who the heck cares- you can trust me- that we are actually real friends in real life. I dunno. I don't think I could just go and blab to someone about important stuff (even though I know it would have to stay confidential) without at least testing them first and trying to determine if they are trustworthy. I sort of feel like the more I tell someone, the more power they have over me and the more power they have to hurt me.
Posted by daisym on August 29, 2004, at 22:55:02
In reply to babbling about my new therapist, posted by lonelygal on August 29, 2004, at 17:39:15
I think you have to go back to basics and separate what a therapist can do for you and what friends do. Friends support and help, but your therapist can give you the space to explore yourself in a really intimate way. Most people have limits to what they will share with even their best friends.
I think building the relationship in therapy can be part of the actual "work." You discover many of your patterns and you might even discover why you do what you do.
I've talked more than a few times with my therapist about how the "world" views people in therapy or who admit to an attachment to their therapist. It goes against our societal view of being independent. But he argues that we need to work towards interdependency...giving and getting support from each other. If your friends haven't experienced this powerful relationship, they can't understand what a therapist could mean to you.
As far as the diagnosis goes, adjustment disorder is a catch-all diagnosis for insurance companies. Don't let it throw you. She has to put down something.
I think you have to ask yourself what you want from therapy and give your new therapist a chance. Stop worrying about what your friends think, maybe hang out here and talk to us instead. That doesn't mean shut out your friends, just maybe the subject of therapy is a closed one for a while.
Posted by shortelise on August 30, 2004, at 0:08:56
In reply to babbling about my new therapist, posted by lonelygal on August 29, 2004, at 17:39:15
Beware of friends who haven't been in therapy! They have no idea what it's about and may be confused by it. When I was in the throes of some of the most difficult - and most productive - stages of therapy, where I was having all sorts of feelings about my T and my relationship with him, one friend told me I should quit. It would have been the exact wrong thing to do, but she didn't know that. Her thinking was right for relationships outside of the therapeutic relationship.
If you need to be in therapy, then you could try to work it out with the new T. If you don't need to be in therapy, then you could quit. Only you know the answer to that.
It's really hard.
ShortE
Posted by gardenergirl on August 30, 2004, at 7:54:37
In reply to it's so hard, posted by shortelise on August 30, 2004, at 0:08:56
You know for some strange reason I felt the need to talk to my mom about some aspects of my therapy. I kind of mention things in passing, though, perhpas to lessen the emphasis. She just doesn't get it and is always saying I am too dependent and should think about quitting. She also would like me to go off of my meds because of the side effects. Um, Mom...do you WANT me to become depressed again?
I agree, for those who have never been in a therapy relationship, particularly a therapy that is relationship focused, it does seem odd. I guess that's why Babble is so important to me. Babblers get it.
Warmly,
gg
Posted by shrinking violet on August 30, 2004, at 12:53:52
In reply to babbling about my new therapist, posted by lonelygal on August 29, 2004, at 17:39:15
Could you try to talk about the trust issue with your new T? Explain to her why you are hesitant to trust her, and perhaps explore some of the feelings you had/are having about your old T, especially in relation to this new one? It might be a good place to start.
Good luck.
-SV
Posted by lonelygal on August 30, 2004, at 16:04:17
In reply to Re: babbling about my new therapist » lonelygal, posted by daisym on August 29, 2004, at 22:55:02
Hi Daisy. Yeah, I've decided now that I shouldn't bring up therapy at all with my friends. I get frustrated, they get frustrated, and it just doesn't help.
I'm really scared to get attached to my new therapist b/c I feel like she's gonna think I'm annoying or needy or problem-causing or just that I dont' have it all together. I don't want her to see me as weak. I'm scared to let her in. I don't do well with just telling someone private stuff for an hour a week and then putting it all away for the rest of the week. I worry about what I've said (if i've said too much, what she thinks of me, why i didn't say other things) all week long. It drives me crazy. I know that I don't mean that much to my new t, so I'm scared to allow her to mean so much to me.
Posted by lonelygal on August 30, 2004, at 16:05:51
In reply to it's so hard, posted by shortelise on August 30, 2004, at 0:08:56
Actually, the same thing happened with my old therapist. All my friends were telling me to quit & that's when I finally started opening up to her.
Posted by lonelygal on August 30, 2004, at 16:08:09
In reply to Re: it's so hard, posted by gardenergirl on August 30, 2004, at 7:54:37
Hi gg. Sorry your mom is not that supportive.
I'm wondering what percentage of therapies are relationship-focused? Do most people make an issue out of the relationship or do they just talk about whatever their problems are? Why is it so difficult for some of us to trust them?
Posted by lonelygal on August 30, 2004, at 16:10:34
In reply to Re: babbling about my new therapist, posted by shrinking violet on August 30, 2004, at 12:53:52
Hi SV. Yeah, she was asking me how I feel about my old therapist now and I couldn't say anything. Well, I did mutter "i don't care". But, yeah I couldn't spit anything out. Maybe I'll have better luck this week? Why is it so hard to talk?
Posted by shrinking violet on August 30, 2004, at 17:05:14
In reply to Re: babbling about my new therapist » shrinking violet, posted by lonelygal on August 30, 2004, at 16:10:34
> Hi SV. Yeah, she was asking me how I feel about my old therapist now and I couldn't say anything. Well, I did mutter "i don't care". But, yeah I couldn't spit anything out. Maybe I'll have better luck this week? Why is it so hard to talk?
Good questions. It's a conundrum, really: in order for us to begin to feel secure with them and build trust (and/or attachment) we need to share our inner "stuff" with them, but how do we start to tell a new T our "stuff" when we they are still strangers to us? It's hard, but I think your T is aware of the difficulty. Try to have patience with yourself; you'll know when the time is right.
-SV
Posted by tryingtobewise on August 30, 2004, at 23:36:30
In reply to babbling about my new therapist, posted by lonelygal on August 29, 2004, at 17:39:15
Hi LG -
I can so relate to the difficulty in talking to friends about therapy. I pretty much don't anymore -- except to my one friend who also goes to counseling. I too tend to be self-deprecating about it, and that is kind of sad.
On a totally other note, I also work for a group of therapists (not where I go to therapy), and previously did billing for a large mental health clinic. Basically, adjustment disorder was the most common diagnosis given. Sometimes it was fine-tuned or changed down the road, but initially it was a good place to start, especially when insurance carriers require a diagnosis.
I hope things start to get more comfortable with your new T.
Kim
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