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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Aphrodite on August 13, 2004, at 7:08:49
After 10 months of therapy, I finally called after much back and forth and confusion about calling him after hours in a moment of crisis and suicidal angst. I believe my fear of he disappointing me when I would be at most vulnerable scared me to death, and I kept it as an ideal "Plan B" and tried to never use it. But last night was just too much. You know how that can be . . .
He called back promptly and said he was about to call me anyway because he suspected I was not doing well after a particularly hard session the day before. He did all of the right things. It was late and I was curled up in my bed crying, and he soothed my angst. He talked specifics about the strengths I have and the hope I couldn't see. He said he would carry the faith for me until I could see the light of day again. He was gentle and kind. It made a huge difference to lean on him.
And today, I feel a strange hangover of regret. I am so frightened of how I dependent I felt when I called, how much I needed him when he spoke to me, and I have a fear of becoming addicted to his help instead of figuring things out on my own. He said he would check on me today -- one part of me is relieved, the other wants to tough it out to prove I don't need him.
I can't win for losing.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 13, 2004, at 7:51:27
In reply to My first crisis call, posted by Aphrodite on August 13, 2004, at 7:08:49
Aphrodite,
I'm sorry that you are in a rough patch. I think calling was very brave of you. You took a risk and it turned out okay. Good for you! I'm glad your T was able to comfort you last night. And I'm glad he is checking in on you today. He sounds like a very caring person.I struggle with the independent/dependent conflict, too. I was recently reading an article in one of my Psych. journals that talked about how some clients have this same conflict. The author's hypothesis (and this is not a new concept, but he explained it very well) is that the child learned to be independent very early on, basically foregoing the natural dependency on primary caregivers, due to the caregiver's "failure" to provide a consistent emotionally nurturing and validating environment. The author equates this "I've got to do it all myself" view as somewhat narcissitic as we all need to be able to depend on others. Or at least be interdependent.
I feel like I saw myself in this article. It's easier for me to rely on myself (and perhaps fail) than to trust someone else enough to depend on them. This makes it hard for me, for example, to work in groups, to delegate, to ask for help, etc. Not to mention forming a dependency that is comfortable on my T. I like to use a phrase my T uses a lot...I come by this honestly. But it's still hard.
Okay, enough rambling. I guess what I want to say is that perhaps you also come by this conflict honestly. But you are working on it. That takes courage and trust.
Wishing you peace and wellness. Take care, and please keep posting if it helps.
gg
Posted by DaisyM on August 13, 2004, at 10:22:54
In reply to Re: My first crisis call » Aphrodite, posted by gardenergirl on August 13, 2004, at 7:51:27
I'm glad you called. It sounds like he did and said all the right things. It is important to reach out and get what you need, especially when you are in crisis like that.
It is still so amazing to me how many old feelings have been stored and can return with such vengence. And even though we are adults now, the feelings from way back carry the fear of asking for help, drawing any attention to our needs and even some of the childlike helplessness. I don't think you can use your adult strengths at some of these times to soothe yourself. It takes someone else caring and helping to do that. It is, after all, a "crisis."
I think we are on the same trejectory, counting back. This up and down period is rough and I think your analogy of the hangover is perfect. Maybe it is like binging on feelings...and then you have to move away from them. Flooding is the perfect word, because that is what if feels like. I think as strong women we've also never learned to find the middle ground around our feelings. We are either emotional, or intellectual. Regulation is very hard.
My therapist continually reminds me that this won't last forever. That he's going to help me through it...and he does use the phrase "hold the hope." You won't become dependent forever, you just need to lean enough to heal. I've been reading a lot about Self-Psychology (Kohut) and it makes a lot of sense to me. You are in the process of trusting your safe base. And your therapist really wants to be that for you, and really wants to help you. He's made that very clear. Can you guys talk about a "no harm" contract? This might help if you can't reach him right away.
The other thing to remember is that even though YOU feel like a mess, the rest of the world probably can't tell. After episodes like these, I often feel so exposed and raw...and I'm sure that everyone is wondering what the he** is wrong with me. But truthfully, even if I'm not at the top of my game, most people don't notice very much. So they don't ask intrusive questions.
Let us know how you are doing. I'm glad he is checking on you. Take it easy today.
Daisy
Posted by JenStar on August 13, 2004, at 11:22:23
In reply to My first crisis call, posted by Aphrodite on August 13, 2004, at 7:08:49
hi Aphrodite,
I don't think you should worry about needing to call once in a while. It shows, I think, a personal strength -- you knew you needed to call, and so you did it!Are you afraid that you'll fall down the "slippery slope" -- if I called once, I'll need to call again...and then I'll keep calling, and suddenly I'll fall apart and need to call him every 10 minutes?
(I ask because this is common thinking for ME -- I am sort of OCD-ish, and I persist in drawing out every situation to its worst possible conclusion, and then I dwell exclusively on that, over and over...until I'm super-anxous!)
You sound like a strong, capable and intelligent person. :) I don't think you should be afraid to ask for help now and then. 99.9% of the time, that's what it is -- we go thru rough patches, need a hand, and then get better; we don't stay stuck there and need the help forever.
Please don't feel regret. I think you are my "today rolemodel" (I try to pick someone every day who inspires me somehow.) You have shown me that it's OK to ask for help when it's needed, even if I'm loathe to ask for it because I like to be seen as strong and completely self-sufficient. Thanks! :)
Good luck to you. It IS Friday. Is that a good thing for you? I hope you have some fun weekend plans. Anything fun lined up?
take care.
JenStar> After 10 months of therapy, I finally called after much back and forth and confusion about calling him after hours in a moment of crisis and suicidal angst. I believe my fear of he disappointing me when I would be at most vulnerable scared me to death, and I kept it as an ideal "Plan B" and tried to never use it. But last night was just too much. You know how that can be . . .
>
> He called back promptly and said he was about to call me anyway because he suspected I was not doing well after a particularly hard session the day before. He did all of the right things. It was late and I was curled up in my bed crying, and he soothed my angst. He talked specifics about the strengths I have and the hope I couldn't see. He said he would carry the faith for me until I could see the light of day again. He was gentle and kind. It made a huge difference to lean on him.
>
> And today, I feel a strange hangover of regret. I am so frightened of how I dependent I felt when I called, how much I needed him when he spoke to me, and I have a fear of becoming addicted to his help instead of figuring things out on my own. He said he would check on me today -- one part of me is relieved, the other wants to tough it out to prove I don't need him.
>
> I can't win for losing.
Posted by Dinah on August 13, 2004, at 13:41:41
In reply to My first crisis call, posted by Aphrodite on August 13, 2004, at 7:08:49
I'm sorry you were feeling so bad, and glad he was able to help.
I think Gardenergirl said what I would say, but so much better. :)
Posted by Aphrodite on August 13, 2004, at 18:02:15
In reply to Re: My first crisis call » Aphrodite, posted by gardenergirl on August 13, 2004, at 7:51:27
You hit the nail on the head. I cause so much of my own anxiety because I can't delegate work being such a do-it-myselfer, and I am so overloaded with small details. It's all part of being Miss Independent.
Is the article you read available online? I'd like to read it -- I know so little about all of this internal independence/dependence struggle. Thanks again, GG.
Posted by Susan47 on August 13, 2004, at 18:33:12
In reply to My first crisis call, posted by Aphrodite on August 13, 2004, at 7:08:49
Your therapist is very caring.
I think my ex-t should've become a podiatrist. Ouchie ouchie ouch.
Posted by Aphrodite on August 13, 2004, at 19:07:22
In reply to Re: My first crisis call, posted by Susan47 on August 13, 2004, at 18:33:12
Maybe a dentist? :)
Posted by Aphrodite on August 13, 2004, at 19:12:53
In reply to Re: My first crisis call, posted by DaisyM on August 13, 2004, at 10:22:54
You're right -- it's hard to find the middle ground between rational and emotional. He did check on me today, and I told him about my "hangover regret" about calling him. We've been working on burden issues, and it's hard to burden him because the burden issues are burdening me -- see the irony? Anyway, he asked if any moment during the call I could receive his help, and I told him that just his voice helped. He said we could work on expanding that moment into longer periods of time I could carry with me.
I had nothing to be afraid of. He was there for me when I needed him. What a new experience for me.
Posted by Susan47 on August 13, 2004, at 19:20:24
In reply to Re: My first crisis call » Susan47, posted by Aphrodite on August 13, 2004, at 19:07:22
Thanks lovey, but I don't think he could've handled the emotional stress of dentistry either :)
Posted by Susan47 on August 13, 2004, at 19:24:18
In reply to Re: My first crisis call, posted by Susan47 on August 13, 2004, at 19:20:24
I'm just feeling extremely angry, vulnerable and hurt still. But I asked for it. I made him think I was a real case.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 13, 2004, at 23:09:05
In reply to Re: My first crisis call » gardenergirl, posted by Aphrodite on August 13, 2004, at 18:02:15
I'll check and find out for you. I actually get this one in the mail. I should have access to it online as soon as it is available. How about if I email it to you when I do?
gg
Posted by Dinah on August 14, 2004, at 11:34:47
In reply to Re: My first crisis call » DaisyM, posted by Aphrodite on August 13, 2004, at 19:12:53
> I had nothing to be afraid of. He was there for me when I needed him. What a new experience for me.
If you had any remaining doubts about calling, read the above sentence again. The therapeutic value in that is obvious. :)
Posted by Aphrodite on August 14, 2004, at 14:34:18
In reply to Re: My first crisis call, posted by gardenergirl on August 13, 2004, at 23:09:05
That would be awesome. Thanks!
Posted by Aphrodite on August 14, 2004, at 14:35:58
In reply to Re: My first crisis call » Aphrodite, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2004, at 11:34:47
You're right, Dinah. You may have to help remind me, too, when I post he's being difficult or I'm not sure if I should call him :) How easily I will forget.
This is the end of the thread.
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