![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mair on August 13, 2004, at 17:26:13
This week without my therapist has been awful, but I really think that more than my therapist, I've acutely missed my secretary who also has been on vacation. We're all supposed to feel abandoned when our Ts leave us, but the person who I really feel abandoned me is my secretary. I've spent the entire week trying to figure out how to do things that she does sleepwalking and almost every phone call I've taken (or dodged) has been from someone who is angry because I haven't been able to get their work done. I trudge home every night feeling battered because I hate feeling like I'm disappointing people, but there is simply a limit to what I can accomplish and I'm working to my limit, albeit probably inefficiently.
Being able to meet with my therapist would have given me a few respite hours where I could think about something other than everything I'm not getting done. In that respect, having her here would've been great. However, my secretary is a master at maintaining a fire wall between me and my clients. Somehow, she makes them feel ok about the fact that I'm way behind or I'm not returning their phone calls. Right now I need her more than I need my therapist.
I never thought of transference in the context of any relationship other than the relationship I have with my therapist. However, today I realized that I felt hurt that my secretary was not around to help me when I really needed her. I know there is never a "good" time for people to take a vacation, and I don't begrudge my secretary a vacation too, but I really did feel abandoned, and pretty sorry for myself to boot.
Mair
Now I have to figure out how not to make her feel guilty when she comes back.
Posted by Susan47 on August 13, 2004, at 19:35:12
In reply to An awful Week (rant), posted by mair on August 13, 2004, at 17:26:13
A silly question maybe, but why would she feel guilty when she comes back? From what you've said and what you'll show her, she's been doing her job beautifully, as is apparent by your inability to function well without her. That's why you have a secretary, no? Yes? Just be nice to her, and give her flowers on Secretary's Day, if you have such a thing wherever you are.
Posted by Susan47 on August 13, 2004, at 23:49:11
In reply to Re: An awful Week (rant), posted by Susan47 on August 13, 2004, at 19:35:12
Omigod my soon to be (do we wonder why? uh-uh) ex-husband just told me I'm too critical, and after reading my posts today (it hurts too much to read the ones before, agh) I'd have to agree. I'M SORRY EVERYONE.
Posted by daisym on August 14, 2004, at 1:18:03
In reply to An awful Week (rant), posted by mair on August 13, 2004, at 17:26:13
well, today was Friday the 13th!
It is perfectly normal to miss someone as vital as your left arm. You should leave her notes all over the place telling her so.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You were trying to do her job and yours. Remember, she might be able to sleepwalk through it but that is because it IS HER JOB. Not yours. And the thing is, since you generate work for her, when you are gone, she gets to catch up. Good assistants are hard to find and worth their weigh in gold. I'm very, very lucky because my assistant and I have worked together for 18 years. While I have top billing, she knows everything and we all know who is really in charge. :)
I'm sorry you miss your therapist. I bet she would have been calming and provided that respite you so desperaely needed. You can tell her all about your bad week when she get's back and hopefully she will be really sympathetic. When does she come back?
Do something nice for yourself this weekend, not work!
Posted by fallsfall on August 14, 2004, at 8:03:04
In reply to An awful Week (rant), posted by mair on August 13, 2004, at 17:26:13
Maybe this is the lesson to be learned:
When approving the vacation schedule for people who you depend on so much at work, add the requirement that they are NOT allowed to take the same week as your therapist.
You have people schedule their vacations so that critical functions are not left unstaffed. I guess we need to add our sanity to the list of critical functions.
Posted by mair on August 14, 2004, at 11:32:43
In reply to Re: An awful Week (rant) » mair, posted by fallsfall on August 14, 2004, at 8:03:04
Falls
That gave me a chuckle because there are just too many considerations. My secretary took this last week and not this coming week, because I'm going on vacation the week after next and she didn't think it would be a good idea to go right before I do. And we've decided it's not good for her to be away when I am - someone has to talk to my clients, and it's never really worked for her to be gone the week after I come back. Now if we add the layer that she can't be away when my T is - we do seem to be narrowing that window.
One rule of thumb might be for me to go away only when my T is away. I actually half try to do this, but that just didn't work this year.
Honestly, this summer, there was no week that really worked. I'm insanely busy and have been almost without let up for several months. On some level it's ok because I really need to be making more money than I was, and because there is some gratification that comes with realizing that I'm capable of working on a more sustained pressure level - without totally falling apart as I would have a couple of years ago. But enough is enough; I see my summer slipping away as if those of us in New England have even had a summer.
Mair
Posted by mair on August 14, 2004, at 11:47:04
In reply to Re: An awful Week (rant), posted by Susan47 on August 13, 2004, at 19:35:12
Susan you don't need to apologize. I probably didn't express myself well. My secretary has no reason to feel guilty. What I meant was that I have to curb my urge to try to make her feel guilty, sort of like the little kid who says to her mother "if you really loved me...." I know it would be very counterproductive on my part because she obviously would resent a job where she was made to feel guilty whenever she left.
At one part during the week I was speaking with her on the phone (No I'm not the one who called her..), and I realized that I really did feel like a temporarily abandoned child - it was this transference reaction which caught me so off guard.
Mair
Posted by mair on August 14, 2004, at 11:58:48
In reply to Re: An awful Week (rant), posted by daisym on August 14, 2004, at 1:18:03
Wow Daisy, 18 years. I think my assistant has been here for about 6 or 7 years. She has her limitations, as do we all, but her true strength is her confidence and self assurance and sense of calm. She just deals with the outside world so much better than I do.
I probably would've helped to have my Therapist here to help me keep things in perspective although therapy lately has been more emotionally upsetting than it has been soothing, so maybe it is just as well that I didn't have that distraction too.
Mair
Posted by shrinking violet on August 14, 2004, at 12:18:26
In reply to An awful Week (rant), posted by mair on August 13, 2004, at 17:26:13
Hi mair,
I'm sorry you've had such a hard week. :( How long are your secretary and T away?
It is hard in general to have T's go on vacation...while I've never felt that my T has abandoned me personally, per se, and I agree that she needs (and want her to have) time to herself and away from work, it is still hard to know that she isn't there (although she's left a way I can reach her, more often than not, if I need to, but I wouldn't dare). Maybe, though, it is good in a way when our T's "go away," because we then are forced to rely on ourselves and, at some point, we realize we CAN handle more than maybe we've realized when usually depending so much on one other person.
As for your secretary, I can understand the urge to make her feel guilty, BUT it might have been already difficult for her to take the vacation to begin with, knowing it would sort of leave you in the lurch, and it wouldn't be fair to add to that (I could be way off, as I don't know her obviously, but I know it's always hard for me to take a day off (even when I'm violently sick) b/c I feel so guilty for leaving others to have to cover for me). You should take this as a learning experience during which you've realized just how valuable she is and how lucky you are to have someone so competent working for you, and perhaps be a little nicer or more appreciative toward her during the year (no, I'm not a secretary *lol*).
Try to do something nice for yourself this week. I hope things get back to normal for you soon.
-SV
Posted by Dinah on August 14, 2004, at 12:39:03
In reply to An awful Week (rant), posted by mair on August 13, 2004, at 17:26:13
I *do* understand. It is very hard to be without that buffer system. Especially in a job full of deadlines, etc. My father used to act as a buffer between me and the outside world. Then he'd yell at me and make me miserable. It wasn't until he largely retired that I realized the buffer was more important than his yelling at me. I still miss him and it's been years.
But maybe the upside to his unpleasant experience is that you will have even more appreciation for what your secretary does. If you manage to convey that to her even more than you now do, she'll be even happier in her job.
(Same for the therapist, I guess. But I figure they know going in that we'll be unhappy when they go on vacation.)
Posted by Susan47 on August 15, 2004, at 14:48:58
In reply to Feeling guilty » Susan47, posted by mair on August 14, 2004, at 11:47:04
Thank you for your kind words. I have a very abrupt side to my personality and it's never meant to be mean but I realize it comes across that way a lot of the time. It's the way I was raised, which I'm trying to overcome; I could definitely say what I want to say in softer terms.
It sounded to me as though you were struggling with transference with her as well as your T, and with both of them gone, things were really bad for you; but having been a secretary in the past, I know how awful these situations can be for a secretary, so I was riled just thinking about that. Bosses can have a huge effect on secretaries, and secretaries can transfer onto them too; am I just trying to say that *all* relationships are tricky?
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.