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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Pandabear on May 10, 2004, at 16:37:55
I havent been posting lately because Im finding myself to be doing much better but the fact that im doing better is scaring me. I dont know what to do with myself. I can tell that my medicine is working and it is making me less anxious and less needy of my therapist but at the same time, I want to need my therapist. I have gone from needing to see her or talk to her all the time to feeling like I dont need to speak to her and that is just weird for me. I see her once a week..which i guess i could start backing off but I know that once I do that..Im going to wish I hadnt and then I WILL Start obsessing and worrying again, Realizing that I cannot get in to see her. I am on a waiting list to see her this week but nothing has come open yet..I think that just knowing that I have appts scheduled with her is what is making things better and less stressful for me. Maybe that is it. I just have never felt like I didnt need someone ..I am so co dependent and Im feeling like I dont need her ...
I think therapy is really odd...when you arent in a session with your therapist, and you are in the "real world" it is like (at least for me) that I put up a mask and everyone around me feels or sees a certain way about me...even my family yet when i go into therapy ..my true feelings come out...and if I was feeling depressed or sad about something...that other people didnt see..my therapist would see it. Even though this is a good thing, it at times has made me leave therapy more upset than when I went in...it is weird. Has anyone else felt this way? ...
Overall im doing good..I just havent felt like this in a while and it is kind of scary...
Posted by finelinebob on May 10, 2004, at 17:26:00
In reply to Doing better but scared..., posted by Pandabear on May 10, 2004, at 16:37:55
Feeling worse coming out of therapy? Lots of times!
But that is part of how you know it is worthwhile. You can get into those thoughts and memories that make you feel like you were hit by a ton of bricks, but not only are you doing so with someone who is going to support you -- something you didn't have the first, second, whatever time you experienced that before -- you also have someone who is going to work with you to unravel it, to get through it. You may have a tendency or desire to get away from those feelings as fast as you can, but my therapist has taught me how to hold onto those feelings and explore them, even (or especially) after the session is over. I'm in a different place than when I first had those experiences -- I survived them, I know I can survive them again PLUS I've got the skills and support to kick them into submission this time around. Or maybe the next. But it'll come, and I'll win this time.
As a matter of fact, I got blind-sided by a Mack truck full of experience a few hours ago. I stopped talking to my therapist at 4, but I'm still working on it.
If you think about your depression as being in a hole, then don't limit your therapist's role as to only letting her help you fill the hole. Even once you're out of it, you're going to have relapses or new problems. More importantly, if you "fill the hole", now you have something to build on. Who knows you better and can help with the welcome sorts of problems that happen because you're trying something new, something positive with your life?
flb
Posted by gardenergirl on May 10, 2004, at 21:06:10
In reply to Doing better but scared..., posted by Pandabear on May 10, 2004, at 16:37:55
Pandabear,
I think I can relate, at least indirectly. If not, I apologize for going off on my own tangent. But I've been thinking about this since I left therapy this afternoon.
Interesting. I'm at a similar point in my therapy, I think. Just had a session today when I felt really weird. I know I am doing better. We've worked on a lot of the surface, obvious things, but it is obvious to both of us there is more to dig into if I choose. I do want to go deeper, but I feel like I have absolutely no idea how. I do trust that my T will help me and will let me know if he thinks I'm not continuing to work, but I just feel really weird and stuck. I don't know why I feel so different and helpless or ineffective in therapy all of a sudden.
Today I was thinking about what I wanted to talk about on my drive to my session (granted, it's just right across campus, so I didn't think too deeply.) But I thought I might ask him for his assessment of how things were going and where I am at. I've been going for close to a year now, and recently I've felt more depressed. I know that I am not back to the beginning, as if I never started, but in session today, for some reason, I really needed to hear him say that I was doing okay as far as making progress and continuing to work. (probably some kind of transference in needing approval from an authority figure).
So I guess I am feeling dependent on him and trusting him to lead the way, or at least to be with me on the way. But I can't see the way, which really bothers me. I asked him for a preview of coming attractions, but of course he can't give that to me. Whatever is in my unconscious that I am afraid of will come out when it is ready. But I was really aware that I spent the whole session "not being ready." It's frustrating.
But what do I do in the meantime? I'm doing okay, functionally. So I do still feel better overall, but I feel really helpless in therapy. It's so weird. I kept using that word over and over today. For some reason, it was the experience of being in session and talking about this with my T that I discovered how confused and unsure I was.
I guess there are times when we just have to trust in the process despite feeling so unsure. If you are feeling better and are ready to step back some, then trust that that is right for you. Perhaps it takes getting used to each new phase? It may be that you experience feeling ready to separate some from your T, but since this is not what you are used to (you said you were codependent), then it feels weird outside of the session???
I'm just rambling because I'm feeling mighty confused right now, myself. Hope something there is of help.
Take care,
gg
Posted by LG04 on May 11, 2004, at 6:33:42
In reply to Doing better but scared..., posted by Pandabear on May 10, 2004, at 16:37:55
Hi, I relate to your post a lot. I feel scared when I don't need my therapist as much (though it doesn't happen often). I also have major dependency issues. I think I feel that dependency is the same thing as closeness. It's hard for me to feel close to her unless I am feeling dependent upon her. It's also hard for me to feel that she is still there for me if I don't talk to her often. Like a two-year-old, when the ball goes behind the couch, it's gone...even though it's really still there, we just can't see it. I am like a 2-year-old in that way. It's hard for me to understand that she's there for me even in the "in-between" sessions and phone calls.
I've had so much else going on that we haven't had time yet to really explore this but it's on our agenda.
I don't have this issue by the way with most of my friends. It only comes out in deeply intimate relationships.
LG
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