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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 8:55:07
i quit seeing t. and pdoc awhile ago. i felt it wasn't helping. (I can go into that another time.) i finally worked up the nerve to make an appt for this morning (in an hour or so). i'm having the urge to cancel the appointment.. thinking "what kind of help am i going to really get? probably none at all. i'm wasting everyone's time." among other pessimistic thoughts. i'm hoping that if i write here and kill time, i'll realise it's time to leave and i'll just go in on autopilot. i wrote down a list of statements i wanted to tell him since in the past i always felt cheated with my time and never got to say what i wanted to say. maybe this time will be different. i also feel funny going when i don't feel particularly bad. well. i do feel bad, but i don't feel *as* bad as what i was feeling a couple of weeks ago. i worry that nothing's changed, but that i've become numb to my feelings. just working on autopilot.i feel silly walking in with a list of crap i want to talk about. i feel silly going at all, but i don't know what else to do.
i hope that this time is different.
i feel very vague this morning. i'm having trouble articulating specific ideas and notions. i wonder if this will mean a bad visit. "i have nothing to say but that i know there's something wrong with me." i can't imagine that statement getting very far. i haven't had much luck with therapy in the past.
Posted by Racer on May 4, 2004, at 9:10:32
In reply to afraid to go to appointment, posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 8:55:07
Is this with the therapist or the doctor?
I gotta tell you, I have an appointment with the pdoc on Friday, and I"m paralysed with fear about it. And I know I can't cancel, or I won't be able to get another appointment. And I'm thinking a lot of those same things you're thinking. I add a few, but I figure you do, too, you just didn't type them.
Good luck. I could give you advice about all this, but then I'd feel as if I had to take it, too, and I'm too scared to do that. Just be aware that I'm sharing your misery right now, and pulling for you to make it.
Posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 9:32:48
In reply to Re: afraid to go to appointment, posted by Racer on May 4, 2004, at 9:10:32
it's with a doctor. a new doctor, though-- i saw him once when he was still a therapist, but it was more of an info-session for my knowledge than a therapy session.
i have to say, i started crying when i read your post. i guess it does just help to know there's someone out there who knows exactly how i'm feeling. thank you. i needed that.
Posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 13:07:35
In reply to Re: afraid to go to appointment, posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 9:32:48
i wanted to clarify that it wasn't a doctor.. it was a psychologist. phd, but not a pdoc. my bad.
i made it to the appointment. it was better than i imagined but not as good as i hoped, if that makes sense. i might post about it, once i kind of assimilate what went on. i was a little disappointed because he didn't seem to want to start any kind of so-called "therapy" since i told him i was probably moving soon. i guess it makes sense-- if i start to get into it, and then just have to start all over again in some new location. he set me up with a pdoc appointment (with a different one than the one that didn't work out last time-- this is all at the same location) to get me on some meds again and maybe a better balance and dosage of them (the last one wasn't really doing that great of a job with that) and set up another appt with him for one week from today.
i'm a little worried about cost because i thought my school insurance covered it fully, but it doesn't, once the semester is over. i'm entitled to insurance but not the full coverage of services. at least, this is what he told me. it wasn't my understanding when i asked around about it earlier, so now i'm confused, and i can't really afford to pay for visits.
he made me commit to an agreement not to try to kill myself between now and our next visit. i had to think for a very long time before i agreed to it. a week is just too far in advance for me to be planning for, i think. but i'll try.
Posted by B2chica on May 4, 2004, at 15:09:14
In reply to Re: afraid to go to appointment (follow-up, kinda), posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 13:07:35
(((Ghost))) please know we're all here for you.
i understand about the cost, i have to keep telling myself it's as necessary as buying food. In order to become/stay healthy this is a priority.
Yesterday i met with my docpsychologist and i was describing my feelings to cut and that i made several cuts because i was ready to cut my wrists so i did my leg and others to instead. I'm telling you this because he mentioned to me too about the verbal contract. He said he knows it may not be something 100% but that he still wanted to have it anyway. He kept asking if i would keep my next appointment, and i had to promise i wouldn't kill myself between yesterday and next monday.-Yes a week is a Very long time off when you're felling the way we do. So i take it as i need it. sometimes it's day by day, sometimes hour by hour and sometimes i do the 15min thing (where you say i'll wait 15min/24hours-whatever- if i still want to do it then, then i will. when that time is up do it for another 15min/24hours etc....
this has actually helped me out A LOT. Right before i ended up in the hospital i remember having to do it second by second with the blade trembling in my hand and tears blurring my vision. But it helped. it helped long enough for me to get the courage to call my pdoc.PLEASE hang in there and post here whenever you can. There are wonderful people here that Really Do Care!
maybe we should contract eachother...to see posts by each of us next week. i'm game if you are. infact i that's probably easier for me than keeping that appointment. It just gets harder and harder to go.
B2c.> i wanted to clarify that it wasn't a doctor.. it was a psychologist. phd, but not a pdoc. my bad.
>
> i made it to the appointment. it was better than i imagined but not as good as i hoped, if that makes sense. i might post about it, once i kind of assimilate what went on. i was a little disappointed because he didn't seem to want to start any kind of so-called "therapy" since i told him i was probably moving soon. i guess it makes sense-- if i start to get into it, and then just have to start all over again in some new location. he set me up with a pdoc appointment (with a different one than the one that didn't work out last time-- this is all at the same location) to get me on some meds again and maybe a better balance and dosage of them (the last one wasn't really doing that great of a job with that) and set up another appt with him for one week from today.
>
> i'm a little worried about cost because i thought my school insurance covered it fully, but it doesn't, once the semester is over. i'm entitled to insurance but not the full coverage of services. at least, this is what he told me. it wasn't my understanding when i asked around about it earlier, so now i'm confused, and i can't really afford to pay for visits.
>
> he made me commit to an agreement not to try to kill myself between now and our next visit. i had to think for a very long time before i agreed to it. a week is just too far in advance for me to be planning for, i think. but i'll try.
Posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 17:15:11
In reply to Re: afraid to go to appointment (follow-up, kinda) » ghost, posted by B2chica on May 4, 2004, at 15:09:14
you're so very right in that these appointments are as necessary as buying food. it's a good analogy. sadly, sometimes i'd rather go without food in order to save money. (i spent last summer eating only instant mashed potatoes for the most part because i didn't have enough cash.) i guess things aren't that bad now, but i always think about the periods in my life where i've struggled financially and then try to cut corners. but i shouldn't cut corners by cutting this out.
a week *is* a very long time. it's hardest to make it through the weekends for some reason. maybe because during the week, i have excuses to do something-- school or work (both of which are wrapping up, so things are tense there). or maybe it's because there are more people online to keep me company during the week. or maybe it's because there are more interesting tv shows during the week. who knows. but it's always the weekends when i get self-destructive or suicidal urges. i fear going through the weekend with some dumb verbal contract (when verbal promises have never really been upheld in my experience).
i like the idea of waiting it out. "just five more minutes." or something like that. that's a really good idea. i usually just focus on "now"... obviously time passes automatically and you're obviously at the 15 seconds later point in 15 seconds, but you're still focusing on the present at each second... rather than trying to make it to that 15 second point by looking forward. i'm very day-to-day.... the psy. seemed very worried that i would go home and take my stockpile of pills right away. i told him i wasn't planning on taking them today (i'm not). he said "what about tomorrow?" ...well, i can't make any promises about tomorrow, ever. about anything. tomorrow is a very long ways away.
i like the idea of a contract. it makes me feel like i have a friend, too... someone who looks forward to seeing proof of my existence. let's do it. next tuesday we'll each see posts for each other. but that doesn't mean that we can't also post in the meantime. thank you so much.
(((((B2chica)))))
Posted by B2chica on May 5, 2004, at 9:43:51
In reply to Re: afraid to go to appointment (follow-up, kinda) » B2chica, posted by ghost on May 4, 2004, at 17:15:11
Posted by ghost on May 11, 2004, at 10:39:26
In reply to ghost, it's a deal. B2c. (nm), posted by B2chica on May 5, 2004, at 9:43:51
Posted by B2chica on May 11, 2004, at 11:50:27
In reply to B2C, I'm still alive. I hope you are, too. (nm), posted by ghost on May 11, 2004, at 10:39:26
was Real tough for me. I finally danced around the actual topics i want to talk about with my T. I'm still not close to talking about them but i was able to admit that their there. i told him that i rationalize myself out of talking about them.
Bad news is i've still been cutting and i'm beginning to wonder if i'll ever stop. and i hate going in and starting Every sessions with "well...i cut...blah blah" i'm sick of it. A Large part of me just wants to tell him i'm fine and i have no problems, so lets just stop.And it just seems like once a week is Forever with talking to him. It takes me 1/2 the session just getting comfortable talking again.
Then after our session i am completely useless the rest of the day. i space out and just contemplate things. can't function at all.
Any experience with this?
B2c.
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