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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by emmaley on April 22, 2004, at 14:45:11
Today is one of those days where I feel like I have lost interest in my life. In fact, this month is one of those month where I feel like I have lost my ability to trust that good things are going to happen, and these past few months has been a time where I feel like I have lost the motivation to go on.
I just do, and every second becomes more and more unbearable. I am nothing but just mechanically industrious. This is terrible.
There are so many things to do these days. Work is about 35-50 hours per week. About another 20-30 hours I put in for school (classes and doing homework and reading.) The rest of the time, I am just trying to rest because I have a lot of joint problems that my body just hurt...... And I am terminating therapy, stepping down on the sessions. My brain is full of complaints and bleak outlooks.
I feel depressed.
Posted by rainyday on April 22, 2004, at 14:54:42
In reply to So much to do......, posted by emmaley on April 22, 2004, at 14:45:11
Can I ask why you're terminating therapy? I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time right now.
The best thing about this life is that it keeps changing. Bad days and months eventually get better.
Posted by Penny on April 22, 2004, at 14:57:24
In reply to So much to do......, posted by emmaley on April 22, 2004, at 14:45:11
Are you certain this is a good time to step down on your therapy sessions? I don't recall if there was a reason for your terminating, or if you just feel it's time...
Regardless, you are certainly doing a lot right now - it's hard to take on so much when you're feeling good, much less when you're not. Are you on meds? Do they need a tweak?
(((emmaley)))
P
Posted by emmaley on April 22, 2004, at 15:52:37
In reply to Re: So much to do...... » emmaley, posted by Penny on April 22, 2004, at 14:57:24
Thanks for the kind words. I really took comfort in that.
I am not on meds, and have been thinking about perhaps giving it a try, but never followed up because of money and time constraints. I think I am going to look into it in June if I don't feel any better after the end of the semester....
I am terminating therapy because, honestly, I feel like my work with my therapist is done. I feel like I still have work that I want to do, but I am not sure if he is the person to do it with. I voiced my concerns to him a few months back, and his reply since then has been, "You know, if you say that to me a year ago, I will probably say stay, don't go, but, I feel like you are ready, too." I took that as his agreeing with me even though his reasons seem to to be different from mine. (Or actually, I still don't know why he agrees. It seems that he thinks I function well, but I have always been high functioning since I have been his client.) I told him that I'd like to give therapy a break and then work with a woman next time. He thought that was a good idea.
It's frustrating, but the reality (as I see it) is that he can only travel with me to a certain emotional depth and then, for some reason, I feel like he disappears or stays in his head. I tell him, and he agrees with me, and then the same thing happens again. Again. Again. I keep telling him and he keeps agreeing with me. I believe that he is doing the best he knows how and he is very kind with me, but I just hate feeling so lonely and left in the cold when I disclose so deeply. It's a standstill. I am not sure if terminating is the best step, but it's the best I can think of for the reasons above and he agrees, so.
But actually I am feeling certain emotional reactions towards stepping down on sessions. I will tell him that when I see him next time, and see if that takes us anywhere. Worst that could happen, we are back at the standstill and I feel disappointed.......yikes, but worth the risk. I suppose.
I am so tired. Listless. Angry, shamed. These old feelings keep on churning. I keep on going. One way or another.
I broke into tears when I was driving home last night from school; the radio was playing this song, and lyrics went something like this:
"Even though you have been with me all these years, I am still alone all along."
The grief. I went home, took some muscle relaxant to ease the joint pain, and then passed out.
I know that I am not alone. Yet, in a tiny spot of my soul where the wounds reside and where the land is barren, I just feel like I am, all along.
And then the grief comes, washing me off the shore.
I dread going into that dark and cold place inside myself, but I do. My therapist seems to dread it, too, even though he says he is willing. I think that he dreads it because.......because whenever I get close or actually go in, he goes straight into his head or tries to get me into my head.
Oh I don't know what I am talking about anymore. So tired. Gotta finish work first.
Posted by BigFish on April 22, 2004, at 16:50:43
In reply to Re: rainyday and penny, posted by emmaley on April 22, 2004, at 15:52:37
> It's frustrating, but the reality (as I see it) is that he can only travel with me to a certain emotional depth and then, for some reason, I feel like he disappears or stays in his head. I tell him, and he agrees with me, and then the same thing happens again. Again. Again. I keep telling him and he keeps agreeing with me. I believe that he is doing the best he knows how and he is very kind with me, but I just hate feeling so lonely and left in the cold when I disclose so deeply. It's a standstill. I am not sure if terminating is the best step, but it's the best I can think of for the reasons above and he agrees, so.
Dear Emmaley,
Your distress sounds deep. I remember reading a post of yours from Sept. in which you discussed a deep bond/attraction to your T. Has this faded, or could this be part of the problem?
I'm sorry that I can't think of anything helpful to say, but please know that I hope you feel better soon.
BigFish
Posted by rainyday on April 22, 2004, at 16:54:27
In reply to Re: rainyday and penny, posted by emmaley on April 22, 2004, at 15:52:37
I would definitely look for a woman therapist. I had trouble communicating with a guy T. I cut it off quickly, as soon as I realized I would not get anywhere with him.
From your pain, it sounds like therapy is still needed. And as for medications: it was the second best thing I did to get on meds, next to therapy. I do not know where all the bad stuff went, but I can actually pass for normal most days (at least, when I am not bawling my eyes out at work).
I wish you the best!! Tell us how you are doing.
rainyday
Posted by Dinah on April 22, 2004, at 20:46:28
In reply to So much to do......, posted by emmaley on April 22, 2004, at 14:45:11
That's awful quick, Emmy. You were just talking the other day about interesting new directions to take in therapy. Is it possible that your decision is affected by your mood?
As far as your hours, can I just say I'm so impressed? I think I maybe used to be able to do fifty hours. But I know I was never able to do schoolwork on top of that. That's a lot to have to keep up with. How long have you been doing it, and how much longer do you have? I have so much admiration for people who can do it! But no wonder you're exhausted.
Posted by emmaley on April 23, 2004, at 15:55:18
In reply to Re: So much to do...... » emmaley, posted by Dinah on April 22, 2004, at 20:46:28
You know, I am not sure if and how the erotic transference/countertransference factor into the therapeutic relationship. My attraction towards my therapist has decreased significantly, or I should say that it never has reached overwhelming proportions. I am sure that the fact I am very in love with my current partner helps a lot--I can just see how if I weren't being fulfilled in my personal life in regards to intimacy and caring I would crave it from him a lot more.
Anyhow, I have been carrying this load of work since Feb. It's nothing new, actually, since I used to work anywhere from 60-100 hours at my previous job just last year, doing emergency work. I am definitely feeling exhausted, but this is something I have chosen. I really appreciate all of your kind words. Life is tough for me right now, juggling different roles and trying to self-care and be out there in the world. Today I feel slightly better. I am going to have an afternoon of free time to just rest, and tomorrow I will start on another school project.
BUT THAT'S TOMORROW! (I am so happy.)
I feel a lot of sadness and grief terminating therapy, yet I am not sure if there is any other way. Hopefully he will give me good referrals to a female therapist. I am really looking for some good nurturing and empowering, and, of course, further insight and courage.
Thanks, guys.
Posted by DaisyM on April 23, 2004, at 16:28:59
In reply to So much to do......, posted by emmaley on April 22, 2004, at 14:45:11
<<<I know that I am not alone. Yet, in a tiny spot of my soul where the wounds reside and where the land is barren, I just feel like I am, all along.
<<<And then the grief comes, washing me off the shore.
<<<I dread going into that dark and cold place inside myself, but I do. My therapist seems to dread it, too, even though he says he is willing. I think that he dreads it because.......because whenever I get close or actually go in, he goes straight into his head or tries to get me into my head.
>>>Emmaley, I could have written both of your posts.
They touched such a sad place in me. I don't know what you are grieving for, or whom but it is so "alive" and so real for me. I know that "just keep functioning" feeling. My only real joy comes when I am hugging my kids and even then I am awash in the grief of loss.
I had a nightmare the other night. I sat straight up in the darkness and in the 3 seconds it took me to reorient to the here and now I felt that stark aloneness you refer to. My heart was pounding and there was fear in my throat. It took a little while to figure out that I was alone in my own room and not where ever the dream had taken me. I layed there for a little while, silently reviewing the dream and trying to imagine a different ending. I felt the creep of tears and asked myself how I ended up so alone in the dark. This wasn't how I envisioned my life.
I spend way too much time in my head avoiding these feelings. I've been able in therapy to reach down to them and at least begin to tolerate the dark coldness for a few seconds at a time. But my Therapist does go with me. Sometimes he even leads. Once, when he wanted me to talk about a really horrible incident, I had him in the corner of the room so I wasn't alone with it.
And then I freak out that it is all too much, too dark for him. On Monday he asked me if I wanted to come back again sooner than I was scheduled to and I said, "I'll just drag all this sadness back in here again." He said "this is where it belongs. I think you should come."I guess this is my long-winded way of saying that you should be able to metaphorically take your Therapist with you to those really dark places. And they should be willing to go. It isn't easy on either of you but I think it is necessary. If you both agree that he can't do that for you, no wonder you feel so alone. If you aren't letting him (something I tend to do) you will have to figure out what is stopping you.
Grief is a very powerful emotion. What you said about being swept out to sea is such an apt description. But it says to me that while you might need a different Therapist, you still need support.
Please take care of yourself and see if you can bring all this up at your next appointment.
Posted by emmaley on April 23, 2004, at 16:40:55
In reply to That dark and cold place, posted by DaisyM on April 23, 2004, at 16:28:59
Daisy, I feel so relieved and comforted by your words. A tiny scratch of hope opens up inside of me when I feel that someone else understands. It's precious. Thank you.
That's a good question you asked. If I am letting him travel with me.......I hope so. I really don't know. I feel like I am doing everything in my power to let that happen, but I am sure, as much as I dread going there myself, he could interpret my resistance towards dropping down as resistance towards his company......I don't know. It's an excellent point. I think I'd share that with him.
Or, as my deepest fear says to me, perhaps he just doesn't want to go, for whatever reason of his own. My family members didn't or couldn't go with me, and some of my friends are the same way. I suppose nobody likes pain, and I respect their boundaries. I am just looking for a traveling companion and a space holder for myself.
Thank you, Daisy. I feel like......a strong, steady pair of hands reached out to me and patted me on the shoulder and held my hands for a second as I read your message. I needed that. Thank you.
Now I am going to go weep a little bit, and appreciate the beauty of life, as the tears release me temporarily from the hold the coldness has placed around my heart.
> <<<I know that I am not alone. Yet, in a tiny spot of my soul where the wounds reside and where the land is barren, I just feel like I am, all along.
>
> <<<And then the grief comes, washing me off the shore.
>
> <<<I dread going into that dark and cold place inside myself, but I do. My therapist seems to dread it, too, even though he says he is willing. I think that he dreads it because.......because whenever I get close or actually go in, he goes straight into his head or tries to get me into my head.
>
>
>
> >>>Emmaley, I could have written both of your posts.
>
> They touched such a sad place in me. I don't know what you are grieving for, or whom but it is so "alive" and so real for me. I know that "just keep functioning" feeling. My only real joy comes when I am hugging my kids and even then I am awash in the grief of loss.
>
> I had a nightmare the other night. I sat straight up in the darkness and in the 3 seconds it took me to reorient to the here and now I felt that stark aloneness you refer to. My heart was pounding and there was fear in my throat. It took a little while to figure out that I was alone in my own room and not where ever the dream had taken me. I layed there for a little while, silently reviewing the dream and trying to imagine a different ending. I felt the creep of tears and asked myself how I ended up so alone in the dark. This wasn't how I envisioned my life.
>
> I spend way too much time in my head avoiding these feelings. I've been able in therapy to reach down to them and at least begin to tolerate the dark coldness for a few seconds at a time. But my Therapist does go with me. Sometimes he even leads. Once, when he wanted me to talk about a really horrible incident, I had him in the corner of the room so I wasn't alone with it.
> And then I freak out that it is all too much, too dark for him. On Monday he asked me if I wanted to come back again sooner than I was scheduled to and I said, "I'll just drag all this sadness back in here again." He said "this is where it belongs. I think you should come."
>
> I guess this is my long-winded way of saying that you should be able to metaphorically take your Therapist with you to those really dark places. And they should be willing to go. It isn't easy on either of you but I think it is necessary. If you both agree that he can't do that for you, no wonder you feel so alone. If you aren't letting him (something I tend to do) you will have to figure out what is stopping you.
>
> Grief is a very powerful emotion. What you said about being swept out to sea is such an apt description. But it says to me that while you might need a different Therapist, you still need support.
>
> Please take care of yourself and see if you can bring all this up at your next appointment.
>
>
Posted by DaisyM on April 23, 2004, at 17:13:42
In reply to Update......, posted by emmaley on April 23, 2004, at 15:55:18
A quick response to your post because I'm running but I WANT to come back again later...
Not all females are warm and nurturing. When I was interviewing I met two -- one "ran" her company she had built up (like I do) and so I was excited that she would "get" me. Turned out that she was amazingly competitive with my leadership skills and I spent 3 weeks "proving" I could still do my job. I quickly decided this was a bad fit. Another woman Therapist I met was a nurse first and "TOTALLY" understood all the health crap I have to deal with in my household. She told me, in the first session, that I needed to unload my life before I killed myself. Now, this is true but I felt criticized and never went back.
Desperate I called my friend who is a retired Therapist. I thought I wanted a woman. But she referred me to my Therapist now. HE is very gentle, very warm and nurturing and I've told him things I never expected to. He's only pushy about me using him for support. :)
Just a friendly warning - I don't think it is gender. I think it is who they are and for me, having a ton of experience working with csa.
This is the end of the thread.
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