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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tabitha on April 22, 2004, at 23:46:16
Tonight in my individual session we talked about my little crush on a group member, and how some of my patterns are playing out with that. I do a whole bunch of predictable stuff when I get a crush, like I get hyper-sensitive to hurt, and get bigger expectations for that person's attention, and start filtering and thinking that person is like someone who hurt me in the past, and finally I start getting critical of the person as a way to keep my feelings in check. Naturally, she wants me to bring all this up in the group session. Doesn't that just sound unpleasant to talk about? She was all happy and smiling about it, because it's such wonderful group therapy material to her. Great.
Actually I'm surprised it took this long for my 'crush' issues to come up. I'm pretty prone to crushes.
Thank goodness I have nearly a week before the next group session. Maybe I can digest the idea. And yes, I'll bring it up. I can't resist a challenge like this.
Posted by Dinah on April 22, 2004, at 23:55:10
In reply to Group therapy crush, posted by tabitha on April 22, 2004, at 23:46:16
It's so brave of you to step up to the challenge!
So how cute is this person? I suppose there's an irritating rule about dating in the group.
Posted by tabitha on April 23, 2004, at 0:29:21
In reply to You're an inspiration, Tabitha. :) » tabitha, posted by Dinah on April 22, 2004, at 23:55:10
> So how cute is this person? I suppose there's an irritating rule about dating in the group.
Oh of course there's no dating. It's strictly no socializing at all outside group, much less dating. He's cute enough. Not super cute. It's better than my last group therapy crush (years ago) where I picked the most dysfunctional member. This guy is decent. Fairly warm and open. Would be genuinely datable I think. It's not a huge crush. Just a tiny one. Honest.
Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2004, at 0:53:20
In reply to Re: You're an inspiration, Tabitha. :), posted by tabitha on April 23, 2004, at 0:29:21
Tiny crushes are the best sort I think. They give a little spice to life, without causing inordinate misery.
Sigh. It's a shame it must be analyzed and not just enjoyed, but I suppose if it's a recurring issue for you, it's worth the sacrifice.
Posted by Medusa on April 23, 2004, at 2:37:29
In reply to Group therapy crush, posted by tabitha on April 22, 2004, at 23:46:16
> Tonight in my individual session we talked about my little crush on a group member,
>Hey, at least it's just one member. When I saw your thread topic, it sounded like maybe a crush on the group as an entity. Which would have been quite a swing from some of your previous experiences.
That aside ... what's in it for you if you bring this up? Is it possible that you'll find solutions or alternatives for the hyper-sensitivity, hurt, expectations, need for attention, reminders of past hurt, and critical feelings?
Does it ever work for you to re-direct crushes? For me, it would be easier to discuss a crush (with the person present, wow!) if it were in the past (even just a few days) and I'd re-focused on someone else. I can't seem to crush at all any more, but when I could, it was interesting to play around with it. Maybe that's what weaned me in the end. Pity. I was never fitter than the season when I worked up a fake crush on someone at the gym. Now I have to exercise just for the mental benefits.
Posted by tabitha on April 23, 2004, at 11:36:14
In reply to Re: Group therapy crush, posted by Medusa on April 23, 2004, at 2:37:29
> That aside ... what's in it for you if you bring this up? Is it possible that you'll find solutions or alternatives for the hyper-sensitivity, hurt, expectations, need for attention, reminders of past hurt, and critical feelings?
>Oh, I don't know, the group just seems to work better when we talk about any kind of reactions to each other. When people are holding back things it all just gets kind of stilted. I also hope I can break up the pieces of this pattern that cause trouble in other relationships. Group seems pretty useful for that. We also talked about all kinds of stuff about my childhood attachment issues, and how all this stuff started, and I think that would be good to share with them.
> Does it ever work for you to re-direct crushes?
I used to try to do that, when I got huge inconvenient crushes. I'd try to redirect onto someone safer-- such as a friend who lives across the country from me. That was quite a feat.
Posted by tabitha on April 23, 2004, at 11:41:32
In reply to Re: You're an inspiration, Tabitha. :) » tabitha, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2004, at 0:53:20
>
> Sigh. It's a shame it must be analyzed and not just enjoyed, but I suppose if it's a recurring issue for you, it's worth the sacrifice.Well.. in truth my little fantasy crushes don't always feel so good. There's a fair amount of anxiety involved. And theoretically, there's some sort of real intimacy that comes from sharing feelings that's supposed to feel better than a secret fantasy sort of intimacy.. or at least that's what my therapist claims. She could be full of s***. We'll see.
Posted by noa on April 23, 2004, at 14:26:50
In reply to Re: Group therapy crush » Medusa, posted by tabitha on April 23, 2004, at 11:36:14
Tab, I am so impressed! being so up front in group seems such a scary thing to me. Dinah is right--You are definitely an inspiration!
And the group must be a good one where you feel safe enough to do this. I've been in two groups and although one was pretty safe, it never got to that level of process, and the other one was the group from he**, very scary and unsafe and totally lacking in continuity because each of us quit precipitously it was so bad.
Posted by karen_kay on April 23, 2004, at 19:08:36
In reply to Group therapy crush, posted by tabitha on April 22, 2004, at 23:46:16
wowsa! you sure are strong, and brave! i don't know if i could do it. well, i think i could.
what are you going to say? how are you going to say it? are you going to say it in such a way as to flirt? if it were me, id say it flirty like, as a come-on.. but, i'm like that...
how are you going to do it??? if i'm too late getting this out, i'm sorry, but then, how did you say it???? do tell.. and if i'm not too late, good luck!!!
Posted by tabitha on April 23, 2004, at 22:55:55
In reply to Re: Group therapy crush » tabitha, posted by karen_kay on April 23, 2004, at 19:08:36
> what are you going to say? how are you going to say it? are you going to say it in such a way as to flirt? if it were me, id say it flirty like, as a come-on.. but, i'm like that...
Well, knowing me and how I usually feel in therapy, I'll probably be staring at the floor, maybe fidgeting with my hands, say something like 'I'm noticing I might have a little crush on Joe (not his real name)', then cringe and make some furtive glances to see how people take it, then I'll ramble on about all the dynamics I get into when I have crushes, and how I'm noticing that here, and I want to bring it up so I won't play out my usual patterns. By the time I've said all that I'll be completely tense, probably a little sweaty, and ready to disappear into my chair. Then I'll make some more furtive glances around, and possibly a 'please help me' look toward my therapist. Definitely not flirty. Then people will tell me how great it is that I brought it up, but I'll still feel embarrassed, then who knows what will happen. I won't even think about possible future awkwardness in the exchange of hugs in the parking lot. Did I mention we exchange hugs? Let me assure you, it's awkward, and not at all thrilling.
Posted by tabitha on April 23, 2004, at 22:57:54
In reply to Re: Group therapy crush » tabitha, posted by noa on April 23, 2004, at 14:26:50
I was in 2 awful groups too. One broke up due to everyone dropping out, and one ejected me against my will. I'm so glad this one seems to be stable and safe enough. One guy is on the verge of dropping out, but that probably won't happen for a few more weeks at least.
This is the end of the thread.
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