![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Chucky Adkins on April 5, 2004, at 19:31:03
Hello all:
I've been reading your material since last week and find it to be comforting. Last week, about my 5th session, I stood to leave with an intense hard-on. I had a semi before, and I realized that when she shows unconditional concern for me I am somehow erotically turned on. She's attractive, but I've been in these sessions to get better. Ok, maybe I have thought about her just a little sexually, but that's natural for me. I've got more serious issues and put that right out of my mind. I'm married too. But last week, she was staring at me again. I told her that I don't like it when she stares at me. She said that it was because she cared about me and the issues we were discussing are serious enough that she looks at me intensely. She likened her deep looks at me to those of my wife and said that I don't find anything unusual about her looks and wanted to know why I found her caring looks unusual. This conversation made me even more aroused. I liked that I have this person who "cares" about me. I told my T that what had transpired felt very weird. She smiled and ended the session. I wanted it to go on for another hour and at the same time couldn't wait to get out of her office. I felt like I had betrayed my wife yet I've done nothing but think about this woman (my T) since. It's so strange. This doesn't happen to me. From all that I have been reading, I feel like I am about to embark on this journey with this woman for an hour a week. It's like having an affair without the physical part and it's the one place I'm aloud to do it. How should I share this with her if at all? Will she terminate if I let her know how I feel. Is it really possible that I could fall in love with her? There must be some amazing benefits from all of this. It seems so personal, more personal than I've been with anyone my entire life. I'm nervous as hell. Needless to say, when I stood to leave, it was obvious that I had been turned on somehow. I could never give her a hug under those circumstances.
Posted by Fallen4myT on April 5, 2004, at 19:41:40
In reply to I have a hard-on during therapy. I think she knows, posted by Chucky Adkins on April 5, 2004, at 19:31:03
I replied to you under a different thread BUT also wanted to say that females do NOT always notice a hard on...Often I just dont THINK to look down there..may have missed some GREAT sessions by doing that :-)
Posted by Chucky Adkins on April 5, 2004, at 19:49:35
In reply to Re: I have a hard-on during therapy. I think she knows » Chucky Adkins, posted by Fallen4myT on April 5, 2004, at 19:41:40
and if she did look down there Fallen. Then what? Should I share with her all the stuff I just laid out here?
Posted by Fallen4myT on April 5, 2004, at 20:46:50
In reply to Re: I have a hard-on during therapy. I think she knows, posted by Chucky Adkins on April 5, 2004, at 19:49:35
Hahaha Chucky I am too loopy a loon to ask that of...If SHE DID look down there....wouldn't it have shown on her face? I Am like so not a crotch watcher...I mean to sometimes but forget ..you know,what I mean to see if I "got" to my T...but like a duh I dont look :) My personal advice is only share IF you are ready for ANY reaction from her...any :) You have only seen her 5 times you may wanna wait...take a book in you so you can get up and not poke her in the eye :) Seriosuly, I would wait...youre too new IMO to maybe deal with how she may react and all....and COULD YOU TALK ABOUT IT TO HER? Are you busting to tell her? If so then go for it and tell me all..I still can't say to my T he gets me wet.....
> and if she did look down there Fallen. Then what? Should I share with her all the stuff I just laid out here?
Posted by EmmyS on April 5, 2004, at 22:45:07
In reply to Re: I have a hard-on during therapy. I think she knows » Chucky Adkins, posted by Fallen4myT on April 5, 2004, at 20:46:50
I have some suggestions for alternative ways to state the same things. Like "hard on" could be replaced with "erection", or "physically aroused". And "gets me wet" could be replaced with "turns me on"? Just an idea.
Perhaps I have turned into a old prude?? Emmy
Posted by Joslynn on April 5, 2004, at 22:57:11
In reply to Terminology in Psychology Posts, posted by EmmyS on April 5, 2004, at 22:45:07
Emmy, I'm glad you requested that, maybe I am a prude too but I tend to agree with you. I think that "physically aroused" gets the message across fine without more details. Just my 02.
Posted by Fallen4myT on April 5, 2004, at 23:57:10
In reply to Re: Terminology in Psychology Posts » EmmyS, posted by Joslynn on April 5, 2004, at 22:57:11
Its hard to watch *every word you say*. Some people will say the new suggestions are not PC enough..I think some people are way too sensitive..we did not use the worse slang one can use...sorry won't happen again..jeeze I feel censored. I may not post frankly...I am sure many words can be picked at and I cannot walk on glass
Posted by EmmyS on April 6, 2004, at 6:31:19
In reply to Sigh sorry .didn't see my wording as a *big deal*, posted by Fallen4myT on April 5, 2004, at 23:57:10
Fallen - I'm sorry if I made you feel picked on. I just think there is a difference between the psych forum and the social forum. It's a lot more relaxed in the social forum. Of course, this whole this is none of my business and it's all up to Dr. Bob. I must have just been up past my bedtime and a bit grumpy last night. And plus - I AM an old prude. I actually eat prunes.
Posted by Joslynn on April 6, 2004, at 6:51:17
In reply to Sigh sorry .didn't see my wording as a *big deal*, posted by Fallen4myT on April 5, 2004, at 23:57:10
Hi Fallen, Actually, it was more the male term that bothered me a little. Not that I was horrified, but that kind of language sounds more like it belongs on a casual men's board. Maybe because I am a woman and have been subjected to unwanted, detailed descriptions from guys passing by about sexual things, it feels weird to see that word in a safe place, even though I know the poster did not mean it that way at all.
Also, it felt a little weird to see it coming from a poster I had never seen before (the guy). Because you (Fallen) are a regular female poster and always have insightful things to say, I know where you are coming from, but from a new male poster, it sends up a little red flag I guess. I guess that is a double standard that I have and I'm not saying it's fair.
Posted by noa on April 6, 2004, at 9:09:11
In reply to I have a hard-on during therapy. I think she knows, posted by Chucky Adkins on April 5, 2004, at 19:31:03
Chuck,
You wrote a lot in your post and some of it may be lost because all the follow up focus is on the sexual aspects. But you also wrote:
>I told her that I don't like it when she stares at me. She said that it was because she cared about me and the issues we were discussing are serious enough that she looks at me intensely.
My reaction to this is that she didn't really respond to what you said about feeling uncomfortable with her staring at you--she stated why she stares, and assumes that is going to be helpful, but did she follow up with trying to understand the feelings you have when being stared at? And maybe even trying to accommodate you a bit by not staring so obviously?
>She likened her deep looks at me to those of my wife and said that I don't find anything unusual about her looks and wanted to know why I found her caring looks unusual. This conversation made me even more aroused.If I'm reading this correctly, it seems she was being a bit provocative with you---comparing her stares to the looks you get from your wife?! That draws an obvious sexual analogy, don't you think?
>I liked that I have this person who "cares" about me.
It is, indeed, very special to have someone care that much and pay total attention to us like that.
>I told my T that what had transpired felt very weird. She smiled and ended the session.
I hope you get a chance to discuss this further. I hope she can be less provocative and listen more to how the sessions feel for you.
Posted by Dinah on April 6, 2004, at 9:53:51
In reply to Re: feelings about therapist » Chucky Adkins, posted by noa on April 6, 2004, at 9:09:11
Noa, that was very insightful. I had totally missed that aspect but I think you may be completely right. Or at least right enough that it's worth talking about. Although it is hard to imagine that a therapist who would be provocative would admit to being provocative.
Posted by Fallen4myT on April 6, 2004, at 13:04:31
In reply to Re: Sigh sorry .didn't see my wording as a *big d » Fallen4myT, posted by Joslynn on April 6, 2004, at 6:51:17
Hi you and THANK YOU please feed my ego any day I can use it. I hear you and know what you mean ...no big deal really so please don't worry and let it pass...I did however ask my husband what term he would have used and many men will use this term over the more medical..and another term thats a bit wilder..My husband though a creep all in all is a man who is well educated with his degree in Economics from a major university...and still his delicate word would be H/0 ..No biggie as it may be a dead issue
> Hi Fallen, Actually, it was more the male term that bothered me a little. Not that I was horrified, but that kind of language sounds more like it belongs on a casual men's board. Maybe because I am a woman and have been subjected to unwanted, detailed descriptions from guys passing by about sexual things, it feels weird to see that word in a safe place, even though I know the poster did not mean it that way at all.
>
> Also, it felt a little weird to see it coming from a poster I had never seen before (the guy). Because you (Fallen) are a regular female poster and always have insightful things to say, I know where you are coming from, but from a new male poster, it sends up a little red flag I guess. I guess that is a double standard that I have and I'm not saying it's fair.
Posted by Fallen4myT on April 6, 2004, at 13:12:05
In reply to Re: Sigh sorry .didn't see my wording as a *big deal* » Fallen4myT, posted by EmmyS on April 6, 2004, at 6:31:19
Please don't worry about it its not a big deal...I was tired too ..I don't think you're a prude. Prunes are GOOD for you..high in fiber ....not a refined carb either :)
I REALLY was for ME was watching my wording....I even took out two words before I sent I replaced the wet word for a wilder one.. and that is why I felt kinda bad I was already in my world walking on egg shells yet still trying to speak...All and all..it's a small issue :) so let's let it go and give this guy some help..Hugs to all
Posted by Dr. Bob on April 6, 2004, at 20:31:49
In reply to Re: Sigh sorry .didn't see my wording as a *big deal* » Fallen4myT, posted by EmmyS on April 6, 2004, at 6:31:19
> Of course, this whole this is none of my business and it's all up to Dr. Bob.
I replied, but over at PB Administration:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20040307/msgs/333515.html
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by shadows721 on April 6, 2004, at 23:04:23
In reply to I have a hard-on during therapy. I think she knows, posted by Chucky Adkins on April 5, 2004, at 19:31:03
Personally, I don't think that I could have therapy with someone that I was intensely attracted to physically. That's why I have therapy with the same sex therapist.
Have you ever thought that maybe she is actually doing something that is causing this turn on? That explanation about staring at you just doesn't sit well with me. It sounds like she does know what she is doing. It may not be actually all you, but in response to what she is doing.
Or, is it that you are confusing female attention to sexuality? I think this is a very important issue. I just don't see how therapy can be that therapeutic if you are getting aroused. The focus is own the therapist's attraction and not you doing the therapy. It also appears that in your mind you feel like this hour with this woman is in some form of a date like thing. It really sounds like either she is mildly flirting with you and you are responding or you are confusing female attention to sexuality. Which is it? Neither sound like a foundation for quality therapy to me. Have you considered seeing a male therapist?
Shadows
Posted by Chucky Adkins on April 7, 2004, at 4:40:18
In reply to Re: feelings about therapist » Chucky Adkins, posted by noa on April 6, 2004, at 9:09:11
My apologies to all that I may have offended for what may be considered by some as inappropriate language on the board. If it sent up a "red flag" to you then I assure you that you need not be alarmed. I have no secret agenda. In fact, if one could get pass the few poor words I chose, one would have read that I have alot of other cocerns that I felt for the first time I could tell others and maybe get some feedback that might help. Whatever the reasons, I needed help yesterday. As I write this, I'm getting upset for being misunderstood. Yesterday, I had a panic attack. When I have these attacks they are usually grounded in paranoia. It was exhausting. I went to see my psd and tried to see my T in the hopes of discussing all that I brought up on here with you all the other day. This was all prior to the attach. I saw her for a brief moment only to schedule to see her for sometime today. I wasn't really attracted to her when I saw her. Infact she seems so cold when we are not in session. I felt rejected when she said she couldn't meet with me yesterday. Maybe this had a little to do with the attack however when I have them they start from weeks earlier and slowly build momentum until they finally hit me uncontrollably. In other words, my paranoia begins with little things in my life that I don't even notice and the little things turn in to larger things and those into huge things until I'm in a full attack. The attacks make my little crush on the T seem so rediculous. I have to figure out how to deal with these attacks.
Posted by Chucky Adkins on April 7, 2004, at 5:12:00
In reply to Re: I have a hard-on during therapy. I think she knows, posted by shadows721 on April 6, 2004, at 23:04:23
> Have you ever thought that maybe she is actually doing something that is causing this turn on? That explanation about staring at you just doesn't sit well with me. It sounds like she does know what she is doing. It may not be actually all you, but in response to what she is doing.
She doesn't stare at me the way my wife does. It's very intense like she is very concerned almost worried. Nothing she does seems provocative. Her staring doesn't "arouse" me. It's that she cares so deeply about my issues that I like. She's been very professional. When she asked me how I felt when she stares at me and I said that I thought that we were in a staring contest, she said that she was not and that she just cares about me. It was this comment that got me "happy". (if you know what i mean)It's her attention to my issues that get me going. I'm not really all that attracted to her, but she is the first therapist that i have felt that i could begin to do some real work with and if that's because she is a female right now then that's ok. I'll let you know how today goes. I'll be up front with her about all of this.
Posted by fallsfall on April 7, 2004, at 8:12:54
In reply to T makes me happy in session » shadows721, posted by Chucky Adkins on April 7, 2004, at 5:12:00
Good for you, Chucky. You are facing this straight on.
Please understand that most of us are women, and we do talk about the same issues that you are facing. I think that some of us were a little surprised to hear a man be so forthcoming. Personally, I think it is a good thing - for you and for us. I hope that you will find that we (you and Babble) can move past a shaky start and we can all find out how much we do have in common.
Being open and honest with your therapist is a critical thing. That is how progress is made.
I do want to interject a slightly different opinion than has been voiced on this thread. When I was looking for a new therapist I really wasn't sure if I wanted to see a woman or a man (I am female). My old therapist was a woman, and I often seem more comfortable with women. But she suggested that I see a man. I asked one of the therapists that I interviewed if he thought I should look for a woman or a man. His response was "Find a good therapist". He explained that whatever transference I was going to have was going to occur whether my therapist was a woman or a man. That patients have maternal transferences with men. That female heterosexual patients have erotic transferences with women. We have seen examples of both of these things within the last 6 months on Babble. In my case, my transference makes me think that my therapist is mad at me - and he and I recreated the same transference I had with my first therapist within 6 weeks. So I guess that I'm not convinced that you wouldn't feel the same way towards a male therapist.
What is important is talking about what you are experiencing with your therapist. If she is a good therapist, then you will learn a lot from the experience.
Best luck.
Posted by joslynn on April 7, 2004, at 8:23:37
In reply to Re: feelings about therapist, posted by Chucky Adkins on April 7, 2004, at 4:40:18
I would like to apologize for overreacting to the language of your post and not hearing the message. I have been rather intense for the past couple weeks and overreacting to things. Sorry!
It sounds like you have a good direction in mind for being up front with her.
Good luck!
Posted by Chucky Adkins on April 7, 2004, at 9:31:35
In reply to Re: T makes me happy in session » Chucky Adkins, posted by fallsfall on April 7, 2004, at 8:12:54
I enjoyed your comments Falls, particularly those about me being so forthright. I pride myself on trying to be honest about me. I've got enough issues to deal with already. To not be honest with what's going on with me isn't fair. I'm sure not going to cheat myself. I suppose I've done enough of that already. By the way, I don't want to see a male therapist. I'm more comfortable with a female therapist, at least that's how I see it now. If it's going to be a problem than we can deal with that then. I hope you ladies remember that I am a Male and that my issues that deal with sexuality may be the same as yours but that my perspective may be different. It doesn't mean that I am a pervert but we males think about things in weird ways sometimes. I hope I can share how I feel without being sensored or feeling like I am not being considerate of others. I promise not to be crude but I need help too. Anyway, thanks for caring enough to share. I can't wait for session this evening at 5:00 I hope I don't chicken out. I've got two issues to discuss, my panic attacks and my arousal towards the feeling I get when my T shares that she cares or from watching her be concerned about me. I hope to face them head on just like I have laid them out here. That was just my practice run. Thanks for letting me practice on you. By for now.
Posted by Dinah on April 7, 2004, at 9:48:35
In reply to T makes me happy in session » shadows721, posted by Chucky Adkins on April 7, 2004, at 5:12:00
If you don't think she's acting in any way seductively towards you, that's great.
It's actually fairly common for humans to sexualize the feelings of caring that we get in therapy. Human evolution didn't count on therapy. Usually the only times we share so intimately in a private setting is either a mating process or a mother (or father) and child. So therapy can mimic either or both of those conditions, and arouse those feelings in us.
Have you ever read the book "In Session" by Deborah Lott? It's written about women and their feelings for their therapists, but I see no reason it couldn't apply equally to either gender.
There's no reason to be embarassed about a largely involuntary physical reaction to your therapist. I think it's great that you're planning to be honest.
But I've promised myself after talking to a few therapists and listening to many stories to add the information that not all therapists respond in the caring and professional way that their profession suggests they would. Hopefully the majority of them do. But some therapists seem to be confused between the rules about acting on sexual attraction and the fact of feeling sexual attraction.
You seem to have a good handle on why you are experiencing arousal, and that's good. But if she doesn't react well, you might recommend the video that the APA puts out.
http://www.apa.org/videos/4310570.html?CFID=2493388&CFTOKEN=89863392
I'm not trying to scare you in any way. I just believe in informed therapy consumers. I'm sure that if your therapist is experienced and professional everything will go just fine.
It really isn't uncommon, and it's nothing to feel concerned about.
Posted by Fallen4myT on April 7, 2004, at 10:30:13
In reply to Re: feelings about therapist, posted by Chucky Adkins on April 7, 2004, at 4:40:18
Chucky no big deal Dr Bob saw nothing against the rules on the words you used and I DID see past the one issue and am glad to see you posting again. I HATE anxiety attacks and feel for you they are my main issue so I know the feeling of just wanting them to stop. Please let us know how the session goes and I read Dinah's post, she added a link I would maybe go read that if I were you because of what I said before to you..are you ready for any response from her..being your new to this therapist ..its worth really thinking on///Good Luck :)
> My apologies to all that I may have offended for what may be considered by some as inappropriate language on the board. If it sent up a "red flag" to you then I assure you that you need not be alarmed. I have no secret agenda. In fact, if one could get pass the few poor words I chose, one would have read that I have alot of other cocerns that I felt for the first time I could tell others and maybe get some feedback that might help. Whatever the reasons, I needed help yesterday. As I write this, I'm getting upset for being misunderstood. Yesterday, I had a panic attack. When I have these attacks they are usually grounded in paranoia. It was exhausting. I went to see my psd and tried to see my T in the hopes of discussing all that I brought up on here with you all the other day. This was all prior to the attach. I saw her for a brief moment only to schedule to see her for sometime today. I wasn't really attracted to her when I saw her. Infact she seems so cold when we are not in session. I felt rejected when she said she couldn't meet with me yesterday. Maybe this had a little to do with the attack however when I have them they start from weeks earlier and slowly build momentum until they finally hit me uncontrollably. In other words, my paranoia begins with little things in my life that I don't even notice and the little things turn in to larger things and those into huge things until I'm in a full attack. The attacks make my little crush on the T seem so rediculous. I have to figure out how to deal with these attacks.
Posted by Chucky Adkins on April 7, 2004, at 12:17:54
In reply to Re: feelings about therapist, posted by Fallen4myT on April 7, 2004, at 10:30:13
What do you mean "am I ready for any response?" I mean what's the worst she could say to me..."get out of my office'. I'm really not that attached to her...yet. I mean I'd like to be because....I'm not sure why. Alot of reasons come to mind like..to have that special person that I can share with and talk with unconditionally about how I feel about my interaction with her and the rest of the world seems incredible. I can't wait to get better.
Posted by Fallen4myT on April 7, 2004, at 12:24:40
In reply to Re: feelings about therapist » Fallen4myT, posted by Chucky Adkins on April 7, 2004, at 12:17:54
Well she could be uncomfortable if she isn't good at handling some things and that's why I hope you read the link Dinah ..posted...I cannot say what she may or may not do...Some people have it in their heads HOW they need/want their T to respond and once in a while it goes another way...one they didn't expect. As you are not all that close to her as stated then IF she said maybe you need another T that would not bother you...for me to hear that from my T would devastate me but I do have years in with him.
> What do you mean "am I ready for any response?" I mean what's the worst she could say to me..."get out of my office'. I'm really not that attached to her...yet. I mean I'd like to be because....I'm not sure why. Alot of reasons come to mind like..to have that special person that I can share with and talk with unconditionally about how I feel about my interaction with her and the rest of the world seems incredible. I can't wait to get better.
Posted by noa on April 8, 2004, at 9:18:12
In reply to Re: T makes me happy in session » fallsfall, posted by Chucky Adkins on April 7, 2004, at 9:31:35
>. I've got two issues to discuss, my panic attacks and my arousal towards the feeling I get when my T shares that she cares or from watching her be concerned about me. I hope to face them head on just like I have laid them out here.
Wow. If you can do that, I am in awe of you! It is so hard to face issues very directly in therapy. I admire your courage and determination. Good luck in the session! (PS--I hope you don't "chicken out", but even if you do--and you'd be in very good company if you do :-) --let us know how it goes.)
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.