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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Rigby on March 29, 2004, at 11:24:31
Hi All,
I was wondering if people have felt that their sexuality has shifted at all from being in therapy?
Ever since I began to ever have sexual feelings they have been towards women exclusively. I've been in lesbian relationships almost all of my adult life--including my current one where we've been together for twelve years!
I've been hanging out with this guy though the past several months. We work out together and have a blast. While I noted that he is funny and cute and has had a pretty bad crush on me for a while, I didn't think much about it. Then, over the past few weeks it's warmed over me that I'm attracted to him. The past week I've felt even stronger about him--like so strong it's getting hard to manage (note: he's *married* and essentially so am I.)
I talked to my therapist about this last week and she said she thought it sounded "delightful."
It's nothing I'll act on although my body is quite desirous. But I wonder if this is due to therapy changing me?
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 29, 2004, at 12:17:49
In reply to Therapy and Sexuality, posted by Rigby on March 29, 2004, at 11:24:31
Rigby, is your T a man or woman?
I think it's natural to be attracted to both sexes in varying degrees. How is therapy affecting your current relationship? If things are rocky, I think it's sort of natural to be "looking" at other people.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 29, 2004, at 12:25:26
In reply to Re: Therapy and Sexuality, posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 29, 2004, at 12:17:49
Oops, sorry, I see your T is a woman which blows my theory of you seeing men in a "new light" as a result of this male therapist.
I find it odd she would call this "delightful." How strange!
Posted by Rigby on March 29, 2004, at 12:38:43
In reply to Re: Therapy and Sexuality, posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 29, 2004, at 12:17:49
Hi Miss HC,
My current relationship is quite good--stable, loving, amazingly supportive. It's bizarro! And yeah, I thought it was a strange comment coming from my therapist (who, btw, was gay and ended up with a man afterall.)
> I think it's natural to be attracted to both sexes in varying degrees. How is therapy affecting your current relationship? If things are rocky, I think it's sort of natural to be "looking" at other people.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 29, 2004, at 14:30:07
In reply to Re: Therapy and Sexuality » Miss Honeychurch, posted by Rigby on March 29, 2004, at 12:38:43
Sounds like your T is delighted because she sees a glimmer of someone going thru the same thing she did. Was gay then ended up with a guy. Your little crush is probably validating her a little bit.
And you know what? I have crushes all the time and I am happily married. I wouldn't read too much into your attraction to this guy.
Posted by Rigby on March 29, 2004, at 14:41:08
In reply to Re: Therapy and Sexuality, posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 29, 2004, at 14:30:07
Thanks for the response. I think your'e right--just relax around it. I thought my therapist was possibly being more generic--like crushes and attractions can be fun and since I have some pretty magical times together with this guy it seemed "delightful"--guess that's giving her the benefit of the doubt vs. the theory of her projecting her experience onto mine.
> Sounds like your T is delighted because she sees a glimmer of someone going thru the same thing she did. Was gay then ended up with a guy. Your little crush is probably validating her a little bit.
>
> And you know what? I have crushes all the time and I am happily married. I wouldn't read too much into your attraction to this guy.
Posted by Racer on March 29, 2004, at 23:11:43
In reply to Therapy and Sexuality, posted by Rigby on March 29, 2004, at 11:24:31
Now, I'm nobody except a sexual being who suffers from Major Depression, but my guess is that it's just an outgrowth of feeling better. No matter how much we love our life partners, NEW is always appealing. Acting on the New Facter isn't such a great idea, most of the time, but having a new person to flirt with is always fun. I'm betting that flirting with a man might be both relaxing -- since you don't have to worry about any sort of social stigma and stress -- and a little safer than flirting with another woman. After all, your partner can't be compared to a man, so it's not really taking anything away from her, right?
By the way, as a straight woman, I flirt with all genders and ages and orientations. I used to love taking my car to the mechanic's, since one of the gay men working there was a very accomplished flirt. (I did check with his boss to make sure he was gay, before getting too deeply into flirting with him, though. Wanted to make sure nothing would be misunderstood, that we both knew flirting was the end, not the means to it.)
As for your therapist, great that he/she recognises the value of flirting, and that it's a sign of recovery.
Hope that helps.
Posted by Rigby on March 30, 2004, at 10:28:29
In reply to Doubt it... » Rigby, posted by Racer on March 29, 2004, at 23:11:43
Thanks, Racer. My hunch is that it's an opening up and a healing of sorts too. I get you about the New Factor. It is though as you say fun and can be harmless if you keep it all in check. Easier said than done though!!
Question: do you find that your flirtation is blatant usually? Or is it all fairly subtle?
I've said nothing to this guy at all--there's just *alot* of energy.
> Now, I'm nobody except a sexual being who suffers from Major Depression, but my guess is that it's just an outgrowth of feeling better. No matter how much we love our life partners, NEW is always appealing. Acting on the New Facter isn't such a great idea, most of the time, but having a new person to flirt with is always fun. I'm betting that flirting with a man might be both relaxing -- since you don't have to worry about any sort of social stigma and stress -- and a little safer than flirting with another woman. After all, your partner can't be compared to a man, so it's not really taking anything away from her, right?
>
> By the way, as a straight woman, I flirt with all genders and ages and orientations. I used to love taking my car to the mechanic's, since one of the gay men working there was a very accomplished flirt. (I did check with his boss to make sure he was gay, before getting too deeply into flirting with him, though. Wanted to make sure nothing would be misunderstood, that we both knew flirting was the end, not the means to it.)
>
> As for your therapist, great that he/she recognises the value of flirting, and that it's a sign of recovery.
>
> Hope that helps.
Posted by Racer on March 31, 2004, at 7:51:36
In reply to Re: Doubt it... » Racer, posted by Rigby on March 30, 2004, at 10:28:29
Well, OK, it depends on what you mean. Some of my flirting is pretty subtle, but most of it is pretty obvious. What it's not is Sexually Motivated. I do draw that distinction, and prefer Vanilla Flirting, if you will. What I mean is that my flirting tends to be, "gee, you're so nice, and so smart, and wow! You can do so many things so well!" Not, "Hey, big boy, you're so big and strong and sure to be great naked..." You know what I mean? More complimentary, less sexuality.
There's them as might say if it's not about sex, it ain't flirting. To them say I, "rubbish!" Flirting is flirting. If you add a healthy dose of sex, it becomes Seduction, instead, and that's not what I'm after. (Well, most of the time...)
If you enjoy flirting, and you can remind yourself that it is *only* flirting, go ahead. Worst thing that can happen is you both enjoy flirting and go home to your partners with a little extra joy to bring to that relationship. If you have any doubts, though, talk to your therapist about this.
Hope that helps.
Posted by Rigby on March 31, 2004, at 12:11:07
In reply to Subtle flirting? » Rigby, posted by Racer on March 31, 2004, at 7:51:36
Hey Racer,
It's very cool that you're super clear on flirting--you've got good boundaries around it.
I guess what might be a bit dangerous is that there is a lot of sexual tension but neither party has said anything to one another (although it's pretty obvious.) He's probably pretty confused too because I'm gay (or I *thought* I was!)
I am considering talking to my girlfriend about it--I don't want to hurt her unneccessarily but I am thinking I don't want to feel like I'm hiding stuff which puts a wall between us. We've got a 14 hour flight to Paris this afternoon so that'll give me some time!! ;)
Rigby
> Well, OK, it depends on what you mean. Some of my flirting is pretty subtle, but most of it is pretty obvious. What it's not is Sexually Motivated. I do draw that distinction, and prefer Vanilla Flirting, if you will. What I mean is that my flirting tends to be, "gee, you're so nice, and so smart, and wow! You can do so many things so well!" Not, "Hey, big boy, you're so big and strong and sure to be great naked..." You know what I mean? More complimentary, less sexuality.
>
> There's them as might say if it's not about sex, it ain't flirting. To them say I, "rubbish!" Flirting is flirting. If you add a healthy dose of sex, it becomes Seduction, instead, and that's not what I'm after. (Well, most of the time...)
>
> If you enjoy flirting, and you can remind yourself that it is *only* flirting, go ahead. Worst thing that can happen is you both enjoy flirting and go home to your partners with a little extra joy to bring to that relationship. If you have any doubts, though, talk to your therapist about this.
>
> Hope that helps.
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