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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 30, 2004, at 2:17:42
Okay, so... My supervisor is this really aloof guy with a tendency towards sarcasm. I write a paper and give a presentation and get told 'its no worse than anything thats been done here' - like, what is that supposed to mean??
When I had just arrived here I turn up all nervous, and knock on his door and he yells out 'go away!', though I have come to realise that that is supposed to be a cue for you to just barge on in.
I can't work him out. I asked him if I could talk to him about getting a reference for my work here, and where I might be able to realistically apply to. He is like 'ah, you want to talk to me about fame and fortune', he gives me a funny little smile and launches into a talk about how it is all 'random' at the mercy of funding whims and about how most often the best people don't get accepted.
He said I have only been working here for a couple of months, he said he'd write a reference but I should ask people back home who know me better so they can rave about me 'you know how it is - right?'
So I have no idea what he is up to...
Is he just one crazy B?
Is he trying to tell me not to get my hopes up?
Is he trying to see how much I want it?
Is he trying to let me down gently?Should I send him an email and ask him do you think? - Or do I just need to get the message.. I can't tell if I am being paranoid or just a bit dense.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 30, 2004, at 8:25:31
In reply to taking it too personally???, posted by alexandra_k on January 30, 2004, at 2:17:42
ALexandra, he sounds like more trouble than he's worth in my opinion. People like that are so frustrating to deal with. I would just leave him alone if at all possible!
Posted by gardenergirl on January 30, 2004, at 14:41:14
In reply to Re: taking it too personally??? » alexandra_k, posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 30, 2004, at 8:25:31
He sounds like maybe he thinks he's being clever or eccentric, or something. But what a jerk. What do you need the reference for? Is is vital that he write it? Do you have other similar experiences that would also work?
Perhaps you could try to give him a taste of his own medicine. I know one of the psychologists where I work is really rude and impatient. We tell him to keep his shorts on, we'll be down when we're ready, and not before! I don't recommend that approach with everyone, but this guy seems to respect it. Maybe your supervisor also would respond to a similar tack?
good luck,
gg
Posted by Racer on January 30, 2004, at 18:32:07
In reply to Re: taking it too personally???, posted by gardenergirl on January 30, 2004, at 14:41:14
Aha! Sherlock Holmes senses that this guy is an Academic Sort!
Here's my advice for dealing with an academic type, in case I'm right about that:
Don't ask him why he's a piece of work, or what it means. Just ask him for what you need -- in writing. Don't ask for a reference -- ask for what you want him to write in that reference.
For example, send him a very short hardcopy memo, stating that you'd like him to write a reference saying that you did [x], within deadline, and citing your ability to do [y].
Don't be confrontational about it, that sort of posturing usually conceals insecurities (I know because I've found myself doing the same things), just roll your eyes and make a raspberry noise to vent your frustrations, and then make it easy for him to give you what you want. If that doesn't help, here's another suggestion. This is based on the old public speaking advice of "imagine your audience in their underwear." Here's my version: pretend this guy is a dog you've got to train. How do you train a dog? You make it easier for them to do the right thing, and if they do a Bad Thing, don't accidentally reward them for it. In the case of The Classic Academic Sort, there's a sort of reward system involved in making other people feel uncomfortable. If you show him that he's getting under your skin, he's "won" in that sense.
Once you get through the first barrier, by the way, faking it gets a lot easier. Just remember, just as you can't see what's really going on inside him, he really and truly and I solemnly swear cannot see inside you. It's all about playacting, and you can do it.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 30, 2004, at 19:26:35
In reply to Re: taking it too personally???, posted by Racer on January 30, 2004, at 18:32:07
Hmm. Thanks guys. He is indeed the academic sort. He is one of the best at what he does and the problem for me is that he fully knows it.
I think I will go with the email option. Unfortunately the reference I was wanting is one that I never get to see so I figure that I will be fairly upfront.
e.g. 'I understand that I only worked with you for a couple of months and as such you don't know me very well. (bit of a prattle about how I worked really hard to come up to speed and wrote a good??? paper on what I previously knew nothing about)... I appreciate that people back home can write lovely raves about how wonderful I am but the selectors do not know them. The selectors do know you, on the other hand but unfortunately you are not in the position to be able to rave about me which I fully understand.
I would like to ask you to write me a reference. But before you decide whether you will do this or not pretend that you are me and think about which will be the best for me with respect to getting in. Would you like to write me a reference, or do you think I am better off asking people back home? Thanks for your time blah blah blah.
Sound good???
Posted by Dr. Bob on January 31, 2004, at 19:17:07
In reply to taking it too personally???, posted by alexandra_k on January 30, 2004, at 2:17:42
> Okay, so... My supervisor is this really aloof guy with a tendency towards sarcasm...
Sorry if it's confusing, but the focus on this board is psychology and psychotherapy, so I'd like to redirect this thread to Psycho-Social-Babble. Here's a link:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040131/msgs/307903.html
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by alexandra_k on February 1, 2004, at 2:37:23
In reply to Redirect: taking it too personally???, posted by Dr. Bob on January 31, 2004, at 19:17:07
This is the end of the thread.
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