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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by YoungBoy84 on January 29, 2004, at 8:26:25
I don't want to give any (self injury) ideas to people so don't read if you are very sensitive. I found this forum some time ago and im now making a simple post (it is about a post called "me and my nurse" that I posted earlier but it's such a long post so I make this short and simple)
I have some kind of relationship with my (im her patient) nurse in one "dayhospital" where I am 6 houers per day, she is maybe 10 years older than me. I know many things about her because she has told me so she is not a stonewall like therapeuts. I have now been there for almost 6 months and im still going to be some more. We talk few houers per week, but I see her everyday 6 houers and we talk now and then anyway etc. Im very attached to her and she knows it too because we have talked about it many times, first I had a crush on her but then it went away and now she is like some friend or something. My problem is this that maybe 2 months ago when I was on a christmas vacation, I got many self-harm ideas in my head and I couldnt get them away, it was like the so called "angel of death" I had 2 weeks these terrible ideas that if I can't see her anymore when the hospital time ends some day, I couldn't go on living, I would buy poison etc. Now im not having these feelings but they were terrible when they were, I couldn't get them out of my head but finally when 2 weeks of the vacation had gone I got them away, because I knew that im going back to the hospital when my vacation ends and I would see her again. So happened. She has never said that I could come to her private life, because I have many times talked about it. But she doesn't say them in "NEVER ever" way. I told her too that if she would say that she hates me then I could leave this place now and never return because I dont like people that dont like me but she didn't say she hates me and im still there. My sickness is only some small depression and I had some panic things, I couldn't go to a store and buy food etc. Now the panic things are almost gone because she has helped me so much and that is one reason I'm so attached to her(im trying to make this post short but im no psychopat or like that, I would also never hurt her in anyway). Has anyone else had these kind of self-harm thoughts that you can't continue living if you loose your (well mine is a nurse) therapeut someday? I also had an idea that I would buy a knife and stick it into me somewhere in some of our last days, someday, but that idea was 3 months ago and I don't have it anymore. I hope I didn't give any ideas to anyone, this is just my situation.
Posted by Karen_kay on January 29, 2004, at 9:54:00
In reply to When the relationship ends, posted by YoungBoy84 on January 29, 2004, at 8:26:25
I think everyone gets scared when they think of losing someone they've become quite attached to. Over Christmas Break, I started freaking out because I began thinking, "I've only got a little over a year left with my therapist" and I somehow did the math wrong in my head and it calculated to about 30 something visits. I thought I was going to have a panic attack.. :) I'm silly.. Then, yesterday, my therapist mentioned the remote possibility of switching me to a different, more long-term type therapist and I freaked out. It wouldn't happen (WOULD IT????) and of course I started thinking, "Hell no, I'd die first, blah blah blah..." But, if it came down to it, I know that even though in the past I've SIed, I have learned more useful coping mechanisms and I wouldn't resort back to my old ways. Though it would be quite scary, and I have no doubt that I wouldn't continue therapy with another therapist, unless it was on my own terms, I still wouldn't harm myself. Oh yes, I would think about it, but I woudn't do it.
Will you have a chance to see your nurse again before you actually "close" the relationship? Also, will you be able to keep in contact with her? I think those things will be very important in healing....
Posted by 64Bowtie on January 29, 2004, at 15:57:29
In reply to Re: When the relationship ends, posted by Karen_kay on January 29, 2004, at 9:54:00
The question I ask myself at the end of love, inside a loving relationship, which will soon and inevitably end, for me at least, is, "Am I 'enough' to go on? Will I be 'enough' to persevere and withstand no matter what?" I've found not seeing myself as "enough" to withstand and persevere is a bad habit, and I can overcome bad habits by practice, practice, and more practice.
Every day is a new day for me, so I plan my day around what I can add to my life. I no longer feel helpless, and abandoned by my lost love interests.
I've also discovered humility I never had. I am not unique while in or out of a loving relationship.
I've also discovered "timing". Loving relationships work when the timing is right.
I've also discovered baggage. If I make the loving relationship subject to my baggage being accepted no matter what, shortly the relationship ends! If she insists on her baggage....etc. etc. etc.
Dynamic storage of baggage is usually behaviors I can't see or otherwise refuse to curtail. Static storage is like my $75 per month storage shed... Actually most of my static storage contains a bunch of other old relationships I refuse to abolish for the sake of the new relationship.
Today I accept myself as "enough", I work everyday on my timing, and I no longer deny the impact or presence of my baggage(s).
But, that's jes' me....
Rod
Posted by 64Bowtie on January 29, 2004, at 16:00:21
In reply to Re: When the relationship ends - 1 question » Karen_kay, posted by 64Bowtie on January 29, 2004, at 15:57:29
Posted by Karen_kay on January 29, 2004, at 16:13:42
In reply to Re: When the relationship ends - 1 question » Karen_kay, posted by 64Bowtie on January 29, 2004, at 15:57:29
Hey Rod! How you doin? Good, I hope...
Well, the answer to your question is a HELLYEA! I know I'm enough. If my therapist were to call me today and say that I was his worst client ever and he couldn't stand the smell of me, therefore I had to find a new therapist I would be heartbroken. Oh goodness, I'd be devastated. (Because I know I don't smell of course!) But, I'd pull myself up, continue with therapy (hopefully with a better looking therapist :)), and continue with my life.
I realize that my life won't end with therapy, or if my boyfriend dumps me, or if my car breaks down. But, I've learned that through therapy. And through therapy, I've learned that I'm a pretty good person, actually a darn good person. So, I screw up occasionally. Maybe a bit too often. But, I don't let that stop me. I'm entitled to a few mistakes. I am human after all, not a robot (heaven forbid!).
And, I've realized that I've made it through some pretty rough stuff already. If I can get through that crap, I can make it through anything. I'm not saying that I don't anticipate harder things ahead. I'm just saying I can keep up with whatever life throws my way. Or whatever gets thrown at me because I failed to live up to my own end of bargains. However I care to look at things depending on which side of the bed I woke up on the particular morning.....
I know I'm enough! Plenty nough actually. I just sometimes wonder if others see it, you know. That's what gets to me sometimes. Not very often, just on those off days.
This is the end of the thread.
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