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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 39. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by All Done on January 15, 2004, at 14:16:09
I’m generally not so bold – especially with groups of people that are new to me, so here it goes. I’ve noticed a lot of posts that include comments by the poster that he or she has an aversion to sex. I’ve told my therapist that I basically never want sex and that I’m hoping to improve my sex life with my husband. So, I have two questions for you all:
1. Have you discussed your sexual aversions with your therapist?
2. Do you believe therapy can change the way you feel about sex?
I have my doubts that therapy can help, so I ask myself why I discuss it at all with him. To me, it would be like me telling him that I don’t like chocolate (Ha! Just an example, of course). How in the world would he be able to help me change that? If I don’t like it, I don’t like it. Know what I mean?
Posted by Karen_kay on January 15, 2004, at 15:44:34
In reply to Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by All Done on January 15, 2004, at 14:16:09
I never talk about sex with my therapist....
Actually, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO HEAR THIS???? Karen's blushing a bit...for the first time EVER!!!! Ok, so After my shrink said ....Wait, back up, in case you don't know I told my shrink I like to think aobut him when I masturbate and he said that it was fine. And I said, "But, um well um....I feel guilty because you're married and have children, ect." And he said, "Well, you have my permission so now it's consensual. You're free to fantasize about whoever you want." Well, that day I did some "experimenting" and I had an orgasm, and the whole time I had to keep repeating to myself "Bubba said this is Ok. He said this isn't bad. Bubba said this isn't a bad thing to do, ect"So, I know for certain that if I didn't tell him that I was having problems in that area that I wouldn't have gotten to the root of why I was having the problem. And though my actual sex life with my boyfriend hasn't improved (who needs him anyway?) ummm, I'm more fullfilled in other ways. There's a reason you aren't enjoying sex or don't have a desire to have it at all. It's important to find out why. It jsut so happens that led to the discovery of all of my problems, memory and soforth. Not saying that's the case with you or anything. If it's something you want to change, then go for it! Once you say it out loud, it isn't so bad. SEX SEX SEX SEX... Is it really a dirty word...(yeah, I still think so, but it isn't as dirty as I thought)
Posted by Joslynn on January 15, 2004, at 16:08:43
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by Karen_kay on January 15, 2004, at 15:44:34
Are you on anti-deps? It could be the meds, unless you were always that way.
Posted by All Done on January 15, 2004, at 17:01:38
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by Joslynn on January 15, 2004, at 16:08:43
> Are you on anti-deps? It could be the meds, unless you were always that way.
I was on anti-depressants for a couple of years, but I have never had much of a sex drive. When I was on the anti-depressants, it was even worse (which was hard to believe).
Posted by Pfinstegg on January 15, 2004, at 17:03:54
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by Joslynn on January 15, 2004, at 16:08:43
I think the first thing to ask yourself is, "do I want to add sexual arousal and satisfaction to my life?" Some people want to very much, but some do not, or are kind of neutral about it.. There are lots of reasons not to have interest in sex, from having received poor or abusive parenting, having been raped, to being exhausted by work and children. SSRI's are notorious for killing sex drive and ability to climax.
If someone wants to change, I think it helps most to include it as fully as possible in therapy sessions, but also, if possible, to go to a sexual dysfunction department at a medical center. They have many ways of helping people which the average gynecologist or urologist doesn't, and the combination of medical and psychological help can really be effective.
Pfinstegg
Posted by Dinah on January 15, 2004, at 17:11:04
In reply to Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by All Done on January 15, 2004, at 14:16:09
> I’m generally not so bold – especially with groups of people that are new to me, so here it goes. I’ve noticed a lot of posts that include comments by the poster that he or she has an aversion to sex. I’ve told my therapist that I basically never want sex and that I’m hoping to improve my sex life with my husband. So, I have two questions for you all:
>
> 1. Have you discussed your sexual aversions with your therapist?Yes, it's not a taboo subject. He'd like me to work on it more than I want to work on it.
>
> 2. Do you believe therapy can change the way you feel about sex?Yes, we attack it bit by bit. But basically I don't want to change so it's hard to make big strides. Mine goes beyond dislike to pure terror.
>
> I have my doubts that therapy can help, so I ask myself why I discuss it at all with him. To me, it would be like me telling him that I don’t like chocolate (Ha! Just an example, of course). How in the world would he be able to help me change that? If I don’t like it, I don’t like it. Know what I mean?
>
I think there are things you can do, most likely with a dedicated sex therapist. I just don't want to do them any more than I want to cure my vomit phobia by being surrounded by puking people.It goes soooo far back with me. I could never get more than three dates (except with my husband) because I couldn't stand to be kissed.
Posted by Penny on January 15, 2004, at 19:12:37
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by Dinah on January 15, 2004, at 17:11:04
> It goes soooo far back with me. I could never get more than three dates (except with my husband) because I couldn't stand to be kissed.
And, may I ask, how you were able to get past that so you could be with your husband? Because I am stuck stuck stuck. I'm not worried about sexual aversion - I'm averse to anything even remotely intimate...sigh.
Guess what I talked about at therapy tonight?
P
Posted by Dinah on January 15, 2004, at 19:40:23
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Dinah, posted by Penny on January 15, 2004, at 19:12:37
Me too....
I get past it now with a lot of dissociation.
But back then? Well the truth is that space aliens invaded my body during tenth and twelth grades. I was giddy happy, and pleased as punch with my brand new breasts. I still couldn't even kiss anyone but my husband, but the space aliens apparently made an exception for him. Unfortunately, after twelth grade, they left me to my own devices, and there have been problems ever since. :(
Posted by Penny on January 15, 2004, at 20:39:15
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Penny, posted by Dinah on January 15, 2004, at 19:40:23
Well, I don't guess I dissociate, but perhaps it would come in handy...
I've been kissed (sort of) only one time (and I can't believe I'm posting this, but whatever...), and that was last summer, and I was 26. And he was the first guy who ever took me out, showed interest in me, and wasn't a total freak. We went out three times, and the third time he kissed me, or tried, should I say, and I was glad he was taking things slow, and I thought I wanted him to kiss me, but...
I froze. Completely froze. Couldn't respond. And afterwards, after he had gone home, I felt sick. Nauseated. Dizzy. Confused. Ridiculous. And even now, when I watch a movie or TV show with kissing, or (god forbid) more than that, I sometimes can't watch - because it makes me sick.
I always thought I would get married one day. Really. And I had crushes on boys as a young girl. And I find men attractive (and I'm not attracted to women - that much I know). But when it comes to imagining myself in an intimate situation - well - it just makes me sick. Plain and simple.
My former T wanted to help me with this, but we spent so much time on my depression and just surviving that it didn't happen. I talked to my current therapist tonight a little about the threads on here, and we've talked about it in the past. And I told her that my former T and I never really worked on it, and I didn't really feel comfortable talking to her about it, but I feel much more comfortable with my current T. And she said she doesn't sit back and wait for people to bring it up b/c sex is such a big part of life and if left to their own devices, most people might never mention it in therapy. So she waits for the right time and then she broaches the subject.
Then I changed the subject.
She recommended a while ago that I look at some children's books on love, sex, dating, etc., as though to go through that part of my life again, in a proper way - grow that part of myself up (since I feel somewhat stuck in a little girl mindset when it comes to sex). And I've tried, and it helps a little, but it will take a lot more than that! I'm sure this will become a big focus in therapy now that I'm feeling better...
:">
I told her I might have to cover my face to talk about it. :-( My mom was always very open about things - always answered my questions, sent me playgirls when was in college, etc. But somewhere along the line something got messed up, and now I'm 27 and afraid of being intimate with a man...
Okay...now that I've shared entirely too much...
-- a terribly embarrassed Penny
Posted by Dinah on January 15, 2004, at 20:53:14
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Dinah, posted by Penny on January 15, 2004, at 20:39:15
No need to be embarassed (tho I spent a fair amount of last session with my hands firmly planted over my face - and eye closing is good too). Your description matches me quite a bit.
I wish I had some good advice, but if you find a solution, let me know.
Posted by Joslynn on January 15, 2004, at 21:17:26
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Dinah, posted by Penny on January 15, 2004, at 20:39:15
You know what's so ironic Penny? Here you are, feeling embarrassed about not having sexual experience, and there used to be a time when a woman in her 20s would be embarrassed to admit that she DID have sexual experience.
I mean, I know that your aversion is something real and something to work on, but isn't it weird how as women, we always seems to feel embarrased about having too much sex/too little based on the time period or situation or whatever.
I've had sex and enjoyed it, but you know, I'm actually thinking of not having sex again until I am married. (Whether I could stick to that when tested remains to be seen.) By Cosmo standards, not wanting to have sex with a boyfriend would be considered bizarre.
It's just ironic...
Posted by Penny on January 16, 2004, at 8:45:31
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Penny, posted by Joslynn on January 15, 2004, at 21:17:26
It is quite ironic. You know, though, it's not so much not having experienced the act of sex that I find embarrassing, it's that I haven't experienced anything remotely intimate at all...
When I was in the hospital last summer, I was talking to another patient, and I told him about my lack of experience, and he was so great about it. He said I needed to be with someone who could help me work through my fears. I agree with that - but where would I ever find someone like that?
oh well...
P
Posted by Poet on January 16, 2004, at 10:16:02
In reply to Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by All Done on January 15, 2004, at 14:16:09
I admit it- I don't like sex. My therapist and I have talked about it and she thinks its because I don't like to have anyone physicially close to me. She suggested I try massage, because I'd be touched in a nonsexual way. I think the massage therapist would give up after trying to get a concrete statue to relax.
Laughably enough my husband is a massage therapist, but won't work on me. I suppose, living with me is hard enough. I have the name of the woman he goes to, so maybe I'll call, but, I don't know.
Poet the Statue
Posted by justyourlaugh on January 16, 2004, at 10:29:09
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by Poet on January 16, 2004, at 10:16:02
for me i have to feel sexy...beautiful..and drunk(jk)
its hard when i cant even get dressed eveyday..
my husband views me as his "roomie"
maybe this summer ill have some...ha ha
seriously i think it is because of the depression,all things inside have died off..
j
Posted by dragonfly25 on January 16, 2004, at 11:49:17
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by Poet on January 16, 2004, at 10:16:02
massage can really help you learn to relax when stressed/uncomfortable about being touched. it takes some time but after awile you realize that you are not tense anymore when you get the massage and next yopu may notice that yourless tense around others. i really recomend it. and the massage therapist would not at all think it strange to have a statue in the room :) statutes are regular customers, not only for the reason of not enjoying being touched but b/c half the population is so stressed that their bodies can't relax. you may learn to enjoy it (massage :) it isn't a cure but it helps
Posted by Adia on January 16, 2004, at 13:07:54
In reply to Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by All Done on January 15, 2004, at 14:16:09
Hi..
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this struggle..My T is away right now..but I was starting to work with her on my sex issues..
I was sexually abused by my father.Now I hate hate hate sex and wish I could live without it all my life. The relationship with my partner is hanging by a thread because now I can´t even stand to be kissed..or to sleep in the same bed. I panic, I feel I won´t be able to handle the consequences, what it makes me feel. I just can´t. The moment we are alone I feel I want to cry and curl up and be held safely as a child.
It´s really hard. He tells me he wants to see some progress, now it´s been months since I was able to let him do something..We argue all the time. I can´t even be strong and get through it, I haven´t let him touch me for a long time now.
I´ve talked with him a lot and he knows i hate sex and I told him I need professional help and now with my T away it´s really hard...we´ve talked a lot but still he feels really tired.
I too feel a bit hopeless about whether T can help with this..I do hate sex and if I could I would never ever do it, but I want to have kids and I would like to work this out but I feel I will never like that, I just want to be able to get through it at least once a month so I don´t lose my boyfriend.
Still, I do have some hope that with therapy things can improve...
I hang on to that......Just wanted to share...
I hope you can share with your therapist...
Maybe if it is too difficult , you can write it down..I´ve done that...Have you talked about it with your husband?
Is he patient?Just wanted to share and let you know I understand.
Adia.
> I’m generally not so bold – especially with groups of people that are new to me, so here it goes. I’ve noticed a lot of posts that include comments by the poster that he or she has an aversion to sex. I’ve told my therapist that I basically never want sex and that I’m hoping to improve my sex life with my husband. So, I have two questions for you all:
>
> 1. Have you discussed your sexual aversions with your therapist?
>
> 2. Do you believe therapy can change the way you feel about sex?
>
> I have my doubts that therapy can help, so I ask myself why I discuss it at all with him. To me, it would be like me telling him that I don’t like chocolate (Ha! Just an example, of course). How in the world would he be able to help me change that? If I don’t like it, I don’t like it. Know what I mean?
>
Posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 13:28:16
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » All Done, posted by Adia on January 16, 2004, at 13:07:54
Wow, you are working hard. Hang in there. I have been in your situation--actually I AM still in your situation. I have a husband and three kids. When I wanted to have children, that sex was very easy; the rest is hard. As I work through my own abuse issues I find that I recoil from my husband and just don't want to be touched. Especially at certain times--like in the middle of the night--or in certain ways.
I have to keep reminding myself that my husband is NOT my abuser, he hasn't done anything wrong. It is difficult for him as well. He is a good man with needs of his own that I can certainly understand but not relate to. At their core, our most major fights are over this very issue.
I find that the situation has gotten better over time. Therapy has helped me to separate out my feelings for my husband from the abuse. Like I said, I'm not there yet but I'm working on it.
Good luck,
antigua
Posted by DaisyM on January 16, 2004, at 13:56:40
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Adia, posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 13:28:16
Thank you for sharing that. I've become very adapt at stuffing all those bad associations away. But right now, because I've pulled so much out and told someone else for the first time ever, sex is really hard. I'm shocked by what is being triggered because I thought I knew and remembered it all. My Therapist says "you have to tell your husband how this is effecting you." I can't. It isn't his problem and he has needs too, so I just shut the images out. Since my hubby is pretty sick on/off it isn't an issue all the time, or even often.
I'm glad I'm not the only one. And I could never get a massage, no way, never-ever! Ick!
Posted by Elle2021 on January 16, 2004, at 14:00:20
In reply to Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by All Done on January 15, 2004, at 14:16:09
> 1. Have you discussed your sexual aversions with your therapist?
Not really. He brought up the discussion and I said I didn't want to discuss it, he hasn't brought it up since.
> 2. Do you believe therapy can change the way you feel about sex?Possibly, anythings possible, right?
Elle
Posted by Elle2021 on January 16, 2004, at 14:14:09
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Penny, posted by Joslynn on January 15, 2004, at 21:17:26
> I'm actually thinking of not having sex again until I am married.
I think thats a good idea, I'm doing the same thing.
>By Cosmo standards, not wanting to have sex with a boyfriend would be considered bizarre.
> It's just ironic...I hate Cosmo, hate it, hate it, hate it.
Elle
Posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 14:16:31
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » antigua, posted by DaisyM on January 16, 2004, at 13:56:40
No massages for me either--never!! I got a gift certificate for one and I KNOW I'll never use it. I don't even like to get me hair cut! I'm only comfortable w/someone that close to me because the same guy has cut my hair for more than 10 years.
Yea, my T says to tell my husband what bothers me so he will stop doing things that scare me to death, but I just can't even get into that conversation w/him.
antigua
Posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 15:24:48
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » DaisyM, posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 14:16:31
The strange thing with me is that sometimes I'm ok with it. If I initiate sex, it's ok, actually I can sort of enjoy the experience a bit. If I don't initiate it, I say no. If he doesn't stop persisting, then I lose my voice and I can't move. And luckily it goes fast, though it seems to take forever. And he doesn't notice I'm crying, so that's good. And I can't blame him because I don't resist, and he doesn't know what happened in the past. But I still resent him for it. Also, I've gotten really good at studying German while it's happening, or making grocery lists or just closing my eyes so hard I feel like they are going to drop into my throat. And my therapist wonders why I call sex bad....
Posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 15:43:25
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » antigua, posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 15:24:48
I agree w/you. If I initiate it it's fine. Problem is my husband doesn't think I initiate it enough!!! And of course certain conditions must be met... I'm a lot of trouble, I know, but I'm worth it!! (keep telling yourself that, over and over again).
antigua
Posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 16:33:43
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Karen_kay, posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 15:43:25
My boyfriend's the exact same way. He doesn't think I initiate sex nearly enough. So, do you still do it when you don't want to, or am I the only one who can't seem to speak or move?
Posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 17:20:08
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » antigua, posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 16:33:43
You know I would be lying if I took the high road and said: "Of course not, I would never let a man, not even my husband, force me to have sex."
Of course I do. When I drank, it was always easier because I would let my inhibitions go.
It has gotten worse in some ways as I remember more of the abuse. It's horrible. I try to move as little as possible and I kind of pick a spot to focus on the wall. Oh my, at this very instant I just realized that is what I did when I was kid--that's how I would lead to disassociating. Now I'm scared. I never realized that before. I didn't even know until just recently that I even disassociated--I saw myself floating up around the ceiling outside of my body, watching what was going on below.
Oops, I wasn't expecting this.
antigua
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