Posted by Penny on January 15, 2004, at 20:39:15
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Penny, posted by Dinah on January 15, 2004, at 19:40:23
Well, I don't guess I dissociate, but perhaps it would come in handy...
I've been kissed (sort of) only one time (and I can't believe I'm posting this, but whatever...), and that was last summer, and I was 26. And he was the first guy who ever took me out, showed interest in me, and wasn't a total freak. We went out three times, and the third time he kissed me, or tried, should I say, and I was glad he was taking things slow, and I thought I wanted him to kiss me, but...
I froze. Completely froze. Couldn't respond. And afterwards, after he had gone home, I felt sick. Nauseated. Dizzy. Confused. Ridiculous. And even now, when I watch a movie or TV show with kissing, or (god forbid) more than that, I sometimes can't watch - because it makes me sick.
I always thought I would get married one day. Really. And I had crushes on boys as a young girl. And I find men attractive (and I'm not attracted to women - that much I know). But when it comes to imagining myself in an intimate situation - well - it just makes me sick. Plain and simple.
My former T wanted to help me with this, but we spent so much time on my depression and just surviving that it didn't happen. I talked to my current therapist tonight a little about the threads on here, and we've talked about it in the past. And I told her that my former T and I never really worked on it, and I didn't really feel comfortable talking to her about it, but I feel much more comfortable with my current T. And she said she doesn't sit back and wait for people to bring it up b/c sex is such a big part of life and if left to their own devices, most people might never mention it in therapy. So she waits for the right time and then she broaches the subject.
Then I changed the subject.
She recommended a while ago that I look at some children's books on love, sex, dating, etc., as though to go through that part of my life again, in a proper way - grow that part of myself up (since I feel somewhat stuck in a little girl mindset when it comes to sex). And I've tried, and it helps a little, but it will take a lot more than that! I'm sure this will become a big focus in therapy now that I'm feeling better...
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I told her I might have to cover my face to talk about it. :-( My mom was always very open about things - always answered my questions, sent me playgirls when was in college, etc. But somewhere along the line something got messed up, and now I'm 27 and afraid of being intimate with a man...
Okay...now that I've shared entirely too much...
-- a terribly embarrassed Penny
poster:Penny
thread:301258
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040110/msgs/301422.html