![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DaisyM on December 16, 2003, at 0:47:59
Today was so much better than last week but of course we had to talk about why I got so worried last week about being too negative, too demanding and/or too needy. I tried to explain it like this: if I have a medical condition and the MD tells me I need to do this or that to feel better, I do it. I do it because i have a responsibility to take care of myself so I can take care of all these other people who need me.
Therapy for me feels like a life-line, but simultaneously feels selfish -- like I am indulging myself. It isn't about the money. It is about the personal attention I get. So even though I Know it is helping, I still feel like it is more of a "want" than a "need".
Here is the question my Therapist ask: "I've told you I think you "need" to be here -- yet you seem to reject that. You are in huge amounts of pain and under huge amounts of stress. Why do your mental health needs feel "selfish" when your physical health needs don't?"
I didn't have a good answer for him, except that so much of what I struggle with I sometimes feel like I should be able to "fix" myself. Plus, it is hard for me to accept kindness. I tried to tell him that it wasn't because I didn't take what he said seriously or think it wasn't as important as what my GP says.
Anyone have a better answer?
Posted by fallsfall on December 16, 2003, at 6:53:00
In reply to PT Club Meeting: new question, posted by DaisyM on December 16, 2003, at 0:47:59
We grew up in a world that told us that "emotional" issues were under our control - that if we tried hard enough that we would be just fine. In a sense, we were also told that if we had emotional issues it was because we hadn't tried hard enough before that. We "should" be able to keep ourselves emotionally stable. If we had problems, we were "weak".
This was a world before half the population was on antidepressants, remember that "mental illness" was a serious stigma.
Intellectually we know that it is OK to need therapy, just like it is OK to need a cast on a broken leg. But we are still fighting the philosopies from when we were little.
It is harder to "prove" an emotional problem - there are no X-Rays, no blood tests. So even when we are told that mental illnesses are "real" or "biological", we are still just a little skeptical.
Posted by Poet on December 16, 2003, at 10:35:07
In reply to PT Club Meeting: new question, posted by DaisyM on December 16, 2003, at 0:47:59
Hi Daisy,
> Why do your mental health needs feel "selfish" when your physical health needs don't?"
> I sometimes feel like I should be able to "fix" myself. Plus, it is hard for me to accept kindness.
You are a very caring and kind person. You just don't seem to feel towards yourself the way you feel for others.
I have a hard time accepting kindness, too. I don't think I deserve it. My therapist's version of "you need to be here" is "I care about you, I care about what happens to you."
I think your answer was good, your therapist should have understood that what you were trying to say is that I don't believe I deserve kindness. You absolutely do deserve it and he can work with you to help you accept that.
Poet
Posted by DaisyM on December 16, 2003, at 12:16:56
In reply to Re: PT Club Meeting: new question » DaisyM, posted by fallsfall on December 16, 2003, at 6:53:00
So how do we change that tape playing in our head? And, how do we not continually struggle to take care of the world so the world doesn't notice noone is taking care of us??
Yesterday he told me I project my own needs outward and "fix" other people instead of meeting my own needs.
Yeah...
Posted by DaisyM on December 16, 2003, at 12:22:11
In reply to Re: PT Club Meeting: new question » DaisyM, posted by Poet on December 16, 2003, at 10:35:07
I don't know if I'm not kind to myself as much as it is really really really hard for me to let anyone see that I need something emotional from them. Including my Therapist. I keep struggling with this issue. I would be interested to hear how you have convinced yourself that you aren't a burden and you won't eventually drive them away because you need so much support. AND, it is so one-sided. Ugh.
It was a good conversation, it made me think and he did understand what I was trying to say. He just doesn't think it is correct. We talked about the mind/body connection -- can you be healthy and be unhappy? (blood pressure, etc.)
Ultimately, he points it out as just another defense mechanism against me needing him. :(
Posted by Karen_kay on December 16, 2003, at 14:52:38
In reply to PT Club Meeting: new question, posted by DaisyM on December 16, 2003, at 0:47:59
Daisy,
I feel the same way. The reason I feel that way is because I am so used to my mental and emotional needs and wants not being validated, not even by myself. When I know I need to cry, I don't because it means losing control. It means that something is wrong. As a child if I cried my parents would yell at me. They would tell me I have no reason to cry, I have food, I have toys, I have no reason to cry. So, not crying, to me is a learned behaivior of sorts, and a sign of weakness and loss of control. When others cry, I dislike it because I know something is wrong and I don't know what to do.I also think that maybe therapy feels selfish to you because from the outside people can't see that something is wrong. You have become very good at hiding it. Since no one knows that you are hurting, you can justify that nothing is wrong. And if nothing's wrong, then therapy is unneeded. But, inside you know something's wrong. You know that you are hurting. And you know that you aren't being selfish. You have to work on healing yourself before you can help heal others. How can you continue to take care of everyone else around you if you are falling apart? And just hiding it on the outside won't work much longer.
I'm not sure if I'm writing this to you ro myself. Maybe a little of both. I don't know if I'm right, but that's how I relate it to myself. You have to take care of you. If you fall apart, you can't take care of your family. It isn't selfish to want to get better. And working on your mind and heart is just as important as working on your physical body.
Posted by Poet on December 16, 2003, at 15:21:07
In reply to Re: PT Club Meeting: new question » Poet, posted by DaisyM on December 16, 2003, at 12:22:11
It really hit me that I won't drive my therapist away when I told her I was binging/purging again. She promised me that we'd work something out if I need to get more help than she can offer. She could have dumped me, but she didn't.
It hit me again, two weeks ago when she readily agreed to back off from my childhood issues. It's like she said, I support your decisions, no matter what.
Support seems one-sided in therapy, it's like she gives and I take. Though I think every time I open up a little bit more, it's my way of supporting her effort.
I can be healthy and unhappy. All through my active binge/purge days I was physically healthy. My blood pressure is normal. I would like to say I haven't felt sick in years, but I have either a cold or mild flu, I don't think it's stress induced, just unfair- I had the flu shot.
Hope my rambling made sense. Time to do a work related errand and then head home to the couch. I'll ask my husband to make me chicken soup. Not the canned stuff, he's a great cook. I will accept someone's care with no guilt. I'll tell my therapist that on Thursday if I still have a voice.
Poet
Posted by DaisyM on December 16, 2003, at 19:15:08
In reply to Re: PT Club Meeting: new question » DaisyM, posted by Poet on December 16, 2003, at 15:21:07
Wow, that is really great progress. I tell myself I'll get there, that I'm Ok with needing and trusting him but then my gut clenches up and I get myself tied up in knots again.
I hope you feel better soon. I'm glad you have someone to make you soup and rub your back. Seems like all I do these days between kids and my husband. *sigh*
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.