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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by devon00 on December 14, 2003, at 18:50:04
I have so many problems(!) but there are two things I've identified in my personality that I really wish to change. These are problems that I think cause me a lot of difficulty. The question is how to change.
First of all, I think I have a tendency to blame myself for everything. If a friend is mad or upset or doesn't act the way I expect, I always blame myself. If things don't go right at work, it's my fault.
The second thing is that I think I am very "thick headed" and demanding sometimes. Once I get something into my head it's hard for me to get it out. If I'm upset about something, I keep thinking and talking about it incessently. If I want to know something, I'll keep asking about it even if a friend doesn't have a ready answer. The thing is that my whole family is this way and I don't really even know how to identify that I'm doing it unless someone else points it out to me. Also, since I do a lot of self blame, I get very upset when I realise that I'm being hard headed, and this makes me depressed and fearful that I won't be able to change and no one will like me.
Do any of you have constructive advice for how to address these problems? Thanks.
Posted by Kalamatianos on December 15, 2003, at 0:36:19
In reply to Want to make changes to my personality, posted by devon00 on December 14, 2003, at 18:50:04
First I had to harness my gut and its terrible impact on my choices I was making; wrong choices mostly.
Today when I blame myself and start my self-torture and self-torment, I recognize that I have been here before and no longer need to be. I remember that imperatives (shoulds and don'ts) are for children, and that I gave them up when I realized that fact (at age 41). I remember the blame-reaction comes from my gut and that I can extinguish it in an instant, or else I will try to ignore it, and it will kidnap my emotions for the next four hours instead.
In order to extinguish the feelings, I bring up a mental picture of what its like to be happy, and notice what my gut feels about that picture. I order myself to retain that happy feeling in my gut while I go back to a picture of whatever I blame myself for (it may have only happened five minutes ago but it is already a picture in my past). I overlay what was upsetting to me on top of the happy feelings, and amazingly the bad feelings don't (can't) return.
I just tricked my mind into blocking the bad feelings. Why not? My undisciplined mind can block good feelings with bad feelings. Why can't I develop the habit of blocking the stress causing and destructive bad-feelings with good ones instead? In fact, it works, and it works good; goodly; well!
I've done this too many times to put up with newbies carping at me. I've also seen too many criminal, alcohol, drug, and people abusers overcome their cravings and their rage using this simple technique. It is not an event for me to use this technique. It’s a process I must practice over and over and over and over again, eventually declaring my recovery.
Read "The Second Brain" at the Border's or Barnes & Noble “libraries”. It’s a book about how most people don’t know it but they are being driven by their gut, and its independent brain. Also, Karen Hornay's book, "Tyranny of the Shoulds". She argues what to do with imperatives instead of continuing to be blackmailed by them.
Posted by Eddie Sylvano on December 16, 2003, at 11:55:14
In reply to Want to make changes to my personality, posted by devon00 on December 14, 2003, at 18:50:04
> Do any of you have constructive advice for how to address these problems? Thanks.
--------------Change involves two things, learning to identify when you're doing something "wrong", and then doing it right. They're both difficult. Identifying maladaptive behavior is difficult, because it's automatic. You just do things that way. It's also somewhat subjective, and it's easy to rationalize your behavior in most instances. It helps to think about specific situations in which you usually act in a way that you'd prefer not to, so that you're more likely to be aware of it the next time it happens. It also helps to have a plan for an appropriate replacement behavior. I don't want to labor the point, it's admittedly simple, but you really have to be aware at all times of what you're doing, because you're on autopilot when you typically do them. It's hard to maintain constant self awareness.
That's really it. It sounds obvious, I know, but you just have to force yourself to do the right thing at all times. If you do it enough, your automatic reactions will slowly change to incorporate the new behaviors, but it takes a long time. It's a lot like dieting, or learning the violin. It works when you're working at it, but fails if you drop your self-awareness. Without conscious control of ourselves, we are our unconscious. The only way to shape unconscious behaviors is through practice.
Beyond that, challenge the beliefs you hold about yourself and the world. Scrutinize them as objectively as possible under the light of real world observations. If it helps, pretend that you're actually remotely controlling someone else's behavior and success in the world, some pet person who you're responsible for. What would you do to make your project person succeed in the world. How would you take care of them? Consider that we're all equal, and entitled to the same respect and dignity.
This is the end of the thread.
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