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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tabitha on December 2, 2003, at 23:50:41
My ex-boyfriend called saying he misses me, wants me in his life, or at least wants to talk. I can't imagine talking to him without discussing it with my therapist first, and my session isn't til Thursday.
I tried talking about it in my group session tonight but it wasn't very satisfying. I talked about some other phonecalls before this one. We only had a few minutes left, and people were trying to speculate about his feelings and motives, which annoyed me. My therapist had the only useful insight-- that I've been so annoyed by his phone calls because it's triggering my own self-criticism that says it's not OK to still be angry with him. And of course it's not OK that I ended the relationship against his will.
If I tell him I'm still angry, I expect he'll tell me I'm 'holding a resentment' which is a major no-no according to his AA beliefs. If you'll notice, that nicely echoes my own self-criticism. So.. an honest exchange seems impossible-- I think I'll just spend my energy defending my right to my feelings.
I just really can't imagine talking to him at all without getting prepped by my therapist first. Yet I'd be embarrassed to admit this to him. I can avoid his phonecalls but I'm afraid he'll show up at my door. Aargh.
Maybe I'll email and just tell him I'm not ready to talk to him right now.
Posted by sb417 on December 3, 2003, at 0:30:59
In reply to Can't act before weekly session, posted by tabitha on December 2, 2003, at 23:50:41
Tabitha, I think you should definitely wait until you've had the chance to discuss this with your therapist. As far as your ex just showing up at your door, I hate when people do that! I think it's so rude and narcissistic. It's like saying, "You can't possibly be doing anything important right now. And nothing is more important than entertaining me and attending to my needs. So stop what you're doing and strike up the band because I'm here." I got so fed up with people showing up uninvited, that I don't answer the door at all unless I've invited someone. The only exception I make is for UPS and FedEx deliveries. Anyway, back to your therapy session. . . I think that discussing it with your therapist will help you sort out your feelings, and it may galvanize you for any eventual contact with the ex. I hope you won't mind my saying this (I think it's safe to say it, now that you are no longer dating that guy). . .I've read a number of your posts over many months, and you come across as being a very intelligent, capable, competent person, and I think you deserve much better than what that guy had to offer you. Oh, and I've also been very impressed with the way you've handled your sabbatical. You've been so productive! Whenever I read your posts about the work you do around your house, I wish that I were as organized as you are!
Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2003, at 0:49:41
In reply to Can't act before weekly session, posted by tabitha on December 2, 2003, at 23:50:41
Sounds like a good plan to me. No reason he should think you're ready to talk just because he is. Telling him you need some time seems perfectly normal. No reason to mention why, although talking it over with your therapist is part of sorting out your feelings.
(Doesn't sound like he's changed much.)
Posted by tabitha on December 3, 2003, at 1:11:46
In reply to Re: Can't act before weekly session » tabitha, posted by sb417 on December 3, 2003, at 0:30:59
why thank you for all the nice compliments. Must admit, the home improvement tasks are stalled right now. Winter is couch potato time for me. I'm trying to think of it as healing solitude, not just another episode of depression.
Thanks for validating my desire to wait to talk to the therp before doing anything. I just hate that I'm wasting mental energy preparing for a possible unwanted confrontation, in case he manages to surprise me.
Posted by tabitha on December 3, 2003, at 1:18:36
In reply to Re: Can't act before weekly session, posted by Dinah on December 3, 2003, at 0:49:41
you're right.. it's perfectly OK to just tell him I'm not ready. I decided against emailing. I'm still kind of hoping he'll give up. The timing just makes me assume it's pre-holiday loneliness on his part anyway.
I doubt he's changed much. He did start celexa after we broke up, which was much needed, but I didn't expect a major personality overhaul from it. He actually did have some good qualities. The first month was great. (I only defend him so I won't look like an idiot for starting up with him in the first place).
My therapy session will bring more clarity-- I hope. I'm avoiding phone sessions to save money these days.
Posted by justyourlaugh on December 3, 2003, at 6:27:16
In reply to Re: Can't act before weekly session » Dinah, posted by tabitha on December 3, 2003, at 1:18:36
good job tab..
you posted alot of his feelings for you..
when do you express yours of him..?
you need time away to see if you "miss him"
be strong tab,,keep waiting it out..
time to be taking care of you
" love the one your with "
thats you:)
Posted by fallsfall on December 3, 2003, at 7:38:03
In reply to Can't act before weekly session, posted by tabitha on December 2, 2003, at 23:50:41
I can certainly relate to wanting to talk it out with your therapist before talking to him. And having a couple of days to think about it before talking to your therapist can be productive, too. That can show you what direction you are leaning in (whereas your immediate reaction might not be as accurate).
Make him wait.
Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2003, at 11:19:06
In reply to Re: Can't act before weekly session » Dinah, posted by tabitha on December 3, 2003, at 1:18:36
lol. I would never consider you an idiot. No one introduces themselves with their worst qualities.
Now I on the other hand dated my now husband for thirteen years before marrying him, only to discover that the man I married was in the worst ways a complete stranger to me. Now *that* it is idiocy of the worst sort.
Posted by tabitha on December 3, 2003, at 19:56:11
In reply to good for you tab..., posted by justyourlaugh on December 3, 2003, at 6:27:16
I don't miss him at all anymore. All I feel is anger, and I wish it would stop. I miss having someone, but not him. No way do I want to be involved with him. Just not sure how to handle this. Ignore him? Tell him off? Try to have an adult discussion of my feelings?
Madder and madder today. I rejected him once, it was so hard for me. I hate rejecting people. Now he's put me in the place of having to reject him again.
Posted by shar on December 3, 2003, at 21:14:15
In reply to Can't act before weekly session, posted by tabitha on December 2, 2003, at 23:50:41
>I expect he'll tell me I'm 'holding a resentment' which is a major no-no according to his AA beliefs. If you'll notice, that nicely echoes my own self-criticism. So.. an honest exchange seems impossible-- I think I'll just spend my energy defending my right to my feelings.
>Well, you may be holding a resentment, which is your very own to hold. Whatever his AA no-no is, belongs to him. Holding a resentment does not mean you are wrong. You may have well been wronged ( from which resentment is borne in some instances).
In AA (which I have been a part of for over a decade) one makes amends when it does not make other things worse. This may be a situation where making amends does make other things worse--namely, that you may be held accountable for his beliefs. And those are totally his.
Your work is just to get clear on where YOU are, regardless of where anybody else is.
Best wishes,
Shar
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