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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on October 9, 2003, at 18:08:04
I have been missing hearing from my therapist quite a lot. I saw him a few times over a year ago and after that I moved, so have been communicating via email with him. He is a sort of a family friend, so there is no issue of paying.
Over the course I have developed as most of us have, strong erotic transference towards him but haven't mentioned it to him for fear of abandonment and ridicule :-(.
My therapy is over and I am feeling well now, so he stopped communicating with me for the past few months. But the problem is, I miss hearing from him terribly... I have sent him few emails and no reply.
I don't know what to do.. further emails are not going to help. most likely I won't get a reply.
Just wenting out my desperation here.. I know you guys will understand the pain..How do people move on at the end of a therapy?
PinkEye.
Posted by karen_kay on October 9, 2003, at 19:34:48
In reply to Miss my therapist a lot, posted by pinkeye on October 9, 2003, at 18:08:04
I'm sorry to hear that you miss your therapist so very much. I cannot imagine leaving my therapist, butI hope that when the time comes I am a better person and finally "fixed"! I am curious, are you continuing therapy in your new area? I believe starting the search for a new therapist may alleviate the feelings that you have for your previous therapist. I too have very strong erotic transference feelings towards my therapist, yet am too shy to express to him the degree to which I have them. Instead I crack jokes about my attraction. He never seems to laugh. Imagine that. Maybe you could try one final email to him to convey the feelings of abandonment that you are experiencing. He could possibly feel that it is for the best that he doesn't contact you any longer. Good luck in this difficult matter. I hope that I am able to help a bit. I have been reading posts here for quite some time but this is the first time I have actually posted. Congratulations to me. Good luck hun and believe that things will get better! Karen
Posted by pinkeye on October 9, 2003, at 20:07:44
In reply to Sorry to hear, posted by karen_kay on October 9, 2003, at 19:34:48
Hi Karren,
No, I am not continuing therapy in my area. I guess I got "fixed" so don't feel the need to go. Besided I like him too much to substitute anybody else in his place. I think I wouldn't go to any other therapist in my life time :-)
PinkEye.
Posted by HannahW on October 9, 2003, at 21:39:37
In reply to Miss my therapist a lot, posted by pinkeye on October 9, 2003, at 18:08:04
>How do people move on at the end of a therapy?
Oh, man, I don't know. I don't really want to find out. I can imagine how painful this is for you. Especially since he's a family friend, so you have more history with him than just as his patient. That would be so painful. God help us all.
This isn't healthy advice, so don't take it. But if I was in your situation, I'd try to date him. I'm sick. I'm going to hell. I understand.
Hannah
Posted by karen_kay on October 10, 2003, at 15:20:15
In reply to Re: Miss my therapist a lot, posted by HannahW on October 9, 2003, at 21:39:37
Was he a family friend before or after you discontinued your therapy with him? Have you thought about trying one final email to let him know that you feel really abandoned and that you would like to continue contact with him at a personal level, as a family friend of course? Good luck hun, I know it is hard but maybe as they say time heals all wounds.
Posted by pinkeye on October 10, 2003, at 15:35:50
In reply to Re: Miss my therapist a lot, posted by karen_kay on October 10, 2003, at 15:20:15
No he was not a friend of mine before we started this. :-(.. I am feeling very awful though for the past two days..feel almost like crying.
Posted by karen_kay on October 10, 2003, at 16:12:55
In reply to Re: Miss my therapist a lot, posted by pinkeye on October 10, 2003, at 15:35:50
I'm sorry you are so sad. Is it because you miss him? Dou you have any friends in you new area? Maybe you can join a new club or go to the park, or the library. Distractions help alot! try to occupy your mind!
Posted by pinkeye on October 10, 2003, at 16:29:27
In reply to Re: Miss my therapist a lot, posted by karen_kay on October 10, 2003, at 16:12:55
I miss the approval he gives me I guess. I do have other friends and even my husband. But it is somehow different with my therapist.
Posted by karen_kay on October 10, 2003, at 17:39:39
In reply to Re: Miss my therapist a lot, posted by pinkeye on October 10, 2003, at 16:29:27
Can you get this approval from someone else, like your husband. Here is a thought... what about getting this approval from yourself? I think a lot of people really struggle with accepting the fact that it is really ok to really be proud of yourself for your great accomplishments. Why not give yourself the approval that you really strive to receive from your former therapist? It is really ok to look in the mirror and be proud of who you are. I know it is hard right now, but just keep telling yourself how far you have come and how much further you are going to go!!!
Posted by pinkeye on October 10, 2003, at 18:14:09
In reply to Re: Miss my therapist a lot, posted by karen_kay on October 10, 2003, at 17:39:39
My approval doesn't mean very much to me. I want it from a father figure. My husband is younger than me, so I don't think of him as my father figure.
Posted by karen_kay on October 10, 2003, at 21:14:42
In reply to Re: Miss my therapist a lot, posted by pinkeye on October 10, 2003, at 18:14:09
I too have the same problem. You need to explore why you need approval from a father figure. Once you come to terms with this, then you will be able to examine your own sense of approval and validate it. Was your father caring and nurturing? Is he still alive? My father died five years ago, when I was 19. But, I had this problem before he died. You really should step back and examine why you need approval from your father. Then you will be able to solve this problem. Keep on truckin.
Posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2003, at 1:00:13
In reply to Re: Miss my therapist a lot, posted by HannahW on October 9, 2003, at 21:39:37
Hannah,
You would try to date him? Most professional groups find sexual relationships between therapists and clients unethical (some say it is OK after 2 years). Do you want to talk about this? Feel free to say no. You just have me a little worried.
Posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2003, at 1:05:04
In reply to Re: Miss my therapist a lot, posted by pinkeye on October 10, 2003, at 18:14:09
Did you talk about your need for a father figure with him during your therapy?
You could write him a letter telling him the state that you are in and ask him to suggest your next step (go into therapy with someone else, either long term or short term, get involved with coed groups that have a wide age range (such as a chorus, or bird watching club), journal, talk to a minister, whatever??). He would best understand what your need is. You would not be asking him to fill that need - just to tell YOU how to fill that need without him.
The longing can be very painful. I hope you can find relief soon.
Posted by HannahW on October 13, 2003, at 11:24:03
In reply to Re: Miss my therapist a lot » HannahW, posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2003, at 1:00:13
> You would try to date him? Most professional groups find sexual relationships between therapists and clients unethical (some say it is OK after 2 years). Do you want to talk about this? Feel free to say no. You just have me a little worried.
Really? It's just that if *I* was in this situation, where my therapist was a family friend, we were still friendly, it had been a year, and I was wildly attracted to him, I'm sure I *would* try to date him. Probably (definitely) not a good idea, and he would be unlikely to accept my advances. Still, if I had feelings for my male therapist that are as powerful as the feelings I have felt for my female therapist, plus add in sexual attraction, I know I would push for a relationship outside of the office.
I'm confused about why that's shocking. Am I unusual? I thought just about everybody with transference would move the relationship outside of the office if they could. (So thank goodness for therapists having good boundaries!) Is that not the case?
Posted by pinkeye on October 13, 2003, at 14:45:31
In reply to Re: Miss my therapist a lot » pinkeye, posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2003, at 1:05:04
thanks for all the advice. I will see about sending him a mail asking him advice. In the past, whenever I brought up this issue in the email ( in a subtle way though), he has always avoided responding to my questions.
Posted by Dinah on October 13, 2003, at 15:50:38
In reply to Re: Miss my therapist a lot, posted by HannahW on October 13, 2003, at 11:24:03
> I thought just about everybody with transference would move the relationship outside of the office if they could. (So thank goodness for therapists having good boundaries!) Is that not the case?
You just answered your own question, I think. :) The tendency is to think you want an outside relationship, but feeling safe that they'll keep up the boundaries. Which probably means you don't really.
I always play the fantasy through to its conclusion. I have a maternal transference, so if it gets at all painful, I think about having his as a mom. But not the idealized mom he wouldn't be anyway. A real life, pain in the posterior, pick up your clothes, nag about curfew mom. It always makes me happy to leave the mom wishes to the therapy room. :)
I imagine erotic transference could be thought of the same way. If you think of what it would really be like, you might find that what you have is way better.
I wouldn't give up my therapy relationship in the hand for a probably less appealing relationship in the bush.
This is the end of the thread.
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