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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on October 2, 2003, at 18:59:19
Today was just an emotionally bad day for me: I got turned down for a job that I really wanted. I blamed myself even though I don't remember saying anything stupid, but I blame myself for everything that goes wrong in my life. I told my therapist that I am giving up trying to get a better job and anything else that can't give me self-esteem, "including seeing you, no offense." Well, she tried to hide it but she clearly took offense.
She told me that I have known from the start that she isn't a career counselor (I have one of those, too, by the way) and that I also know that I base all my self-esteem on getting a better job. That I think that therapy doesn't work because it doesn't get me what I am convinced is the only thing that will make me happy. Chalk up one for her.
She also told me that I have to find self esteem within myself. I need to dig deep inside myself and find out what can make me feel good about myself, that is not career related. "If you are willing to work hard, you can do that. If you want to quit, the choice is yours, but have you thought about what quitting therapy will mean for you emotionally?"
Uh, no, actually I hadn't. She asked if I wanted this to be the last session or if I am ready to work hard on self esteem. I told her I would try or at least think it over until next week.
So, I came close to walking out that door and never coming back, but I agreed to.
I made it to my car before I started crying. When I got home my husband said, "you know if she isn't helping you, go to someone else."
She is helping me, it's me who pushes away the help.
Sorry if this rambled. Time to drink a bottle of wine, which is not good as I am on Paxil, but it's safer than comfort food, as along with depression and anxiety I am an ex-recovering-only binge once and awhile, really, bulimic.
I'll check in later, if I am still awake.
Poet
Posted by justyourlaugh on October 2, 2003, at 20:53:23
In reply to I almost quit therapy today, posted by Poet on October 2, 2003, at 18:59:19
poet,,
i walked out of my first "session" vowing to never return...because he touched my leg...and asked things i couldnt answer..
i seen him for the second time this week..i stayed for the full hour!
he asked me how i thought it went..
i said to him"you first"...he was very confused about what i was hidding..and said i need a lot of work...i laughed and hurt his feelings..i felt bad..
it was just nervous laughter...i realized he was a person too..and i need to put my sole into his little room each week if i expect a return...
i need another drink too...
jyl
Posted by fallsfall on October 3, 2003, at 6:52:40
In reply to Re: I almost quit therapy today » Poet, posted by justyourlaugh on October 2, 2003, at 20:53:23
Poet - I am so proud of you. Realizing that you are pushing the help away is huge. These are some of the hardest things we do in therapy - try to figure out why we don't want things that are good for us. It is so confusing. You are doing the right thing. Be willing to listen and change your mind (like you displayed in therapy) - sometimes that is the hardest thing for me.
JYL - I hear you working so hard right now. But I hear less hopelessness than before - I'm so glad. It takes such courage to go back a second and third and fourth time.
Cheering you both on!
Posted by Penny on October 3, 2003, at 8:46:14
In reply to Re: I almost quit therapy today » Poet, posted by justyourlaugh on October 2, 2003, at 20:53:23
> and i need to put my sole into his little room each week if i expect a return...
And that's the hardest part. Opening up to get something valuable in return...Good for you for realizing it.
P
Posted by Poet on October 3, 2003, at 14:33:37
In reply to Re: I almost quit therapy today » Poet, posted by justyourlaugh on October 2, 2003, at 20:53:23
Who would have thought that sitting in that little room and talking can be so hard? Sometimes my therapist lets me dodge the questions I can't or actually don't want to answer. Yesterday wasn't one of those times.
I shouldn't be drowning out my negative thoughts with alcohol, I should have the courage to just blurt them out. Someday...
Poet
Posted by Poet on October 3, 2003, at 14:37:58
In reply to Re: I almost quit therapy today, posted by fallsfall on October 3, 2003, at 6:52:40
Thank you Fallsfall. I am going to try to stick it out in therapy. You are so right that the hardest thing in therapy is trying to figure out why we don't want things that are good for us.
She wants to help me. I pay her to help me. It's time I stopped pushing her away and let her inside.
Thanks for your support.
Poet
Posted by Eggy on October 3, 2003, at 20:22:36
In reply to I almost quit therapy today, posted by Poet on October 2, 2003, at 18:59:19
Don't quit therapy. Just don't do it.
Posted by Medusa on October 8, 2003, at 5:27:08
In reply to I almost quit therapy today, posted by Poet on October 2, 2003, at 18:59:19
> She is helping me, it's me who pushes away the help.
>Hi Poet,
I'm wondering if she offers the help in a form you can digest? I've spent a lot of time trying to accept help I knew I needed from therapists who were doing their best to offer it. But it just didn't work - it was like trying to get calcium supplements by hammering solid tablets through my skin. When I needed to get it in food, and to be sure I got enough vitamin B and magnesium to help my body absorb the calcium. I don't know what form would be useful for you, but sitting and talking with even the best therapists about self esteem didn't help me. I'm reading a book now about saying what one wants, and there's a section on self-esteem with ten points. Not therapy-oriented at all - the book's goal is improved use of language to get what one wants. If you'd like, I can look it up and semi-translate it. (I'm not a translater, so my version would be a loose approximation. Your mileage may vary, and all that.)
I hear you on the wine being safer than food. It sounds like we've had similar experiences there. It's cold and rainy here, and a mug of hot mulled wine might be a good thing ... maybe tonight. I have stuff to do this afternoon.
Wishing you all you need ... in the spirit of Over The Rhine's song "All I Need Is Everything".
This is the end of the thread.
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