Posted by Poet on October 2, 2003, at 18:59:19
Today was just an emotionally bad day for me: I got turned down for a job that I really wanted. I blamed myself even though I don't remember saying anything stupid, but I blame myself for everything that goes wrong in my life. I told my therapist that I am giving up trying to get a better job and anything else that can't give me self-esteem, "including seeing you, no offense." Well, she tried to hide it but she clearly took offense.
She told me that I have known from the start that she isn't a career counselor (I have one of those, too, by the way) and that I also know that I base all my self-esteem on getting a better job. That I think that therapy doesn't work because it doesn't get me what I am convinced is the only thing that will make me happy. Chalk up one for her.
She also told me that I have to find self esteem within myself. I need to dig deep inside myself and find out what can make me feel good about myself, that is not career related. "If you are willing to work hard, you can do that. If you want to quit, the choice is yours, but have you thought about what quitting therapy will mean for you emotionally?"
Uh, no, actually I hadn't. She asked if I wanted this to be the last session or if I am ready to work hard on self esteem. I told her I would try or at least think it over until next week.
So, I came close to walking out that door and never coming back, but I agreed to.
I made it to my car before I started crying. When I got home my husband said, "you know if she isn't helping you, go to someone else."
She is helping me, it's me who pushes away the help.
Sorry if this rambled. Time to drink a bottle of wine, which is not good as I am on Paxil, but it's safer than comfort food, as along with depression and anxiety I am an ex-recovering-only binge once and awhile, really, bulimic.
I'll check in later, if I am still awake.
Poet
poster:Poet
thread:265033
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030925/msgs/265033.html