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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by HannahW on October 3, 2003, at 14:50:04
Sometimes I feel like I'd really like to cry, but not because of any specific event. Just because I feel lonely or bad in some other way. Last night was one of those nights, so I shut myself in my bedroom and laid down to cry. But I couldn't, and that's so frequently the case. I managed to eke out a few tears, but I couldn't cry the heaving, cleansing sobs that I wanted to. There seems to be something about being alone that makes me incapable of crying. I don't know if it's because I feel it's a waste of time, or if it's because there's no one there to comfort me, or if it's just because I hate to contort my face into that crying shape. What's funny is that I used to be able to cry ONLY when I was alone. Now the only time I can cry is when my husband is there, and sometimes not even then. I can't cry in front of anyone else, including my therapist, and rarely even feel the need to cry with anyone else. I'm an impenetrable emotional rock. We're working on that in therapy. :)
But that doesn't explain why I can't cry when I want to. Does anyone else have this problem?
Posted by justyourlaugh on October 3, 2003, at 16:04:37
In reply to Why can't I cry?, posted by HannahW on October 3, 2003, at 14:50:04
hanna,,
just a thought ...
perhaps you cant cry when alone because you are too tired..
crying is such a draining process..
mabe when you get to be alone the day is wrapping up...or you spent your emotional energy on something else...
just a thought...
i love watching a horrible "chick flick" when i need to let it out...a little sappy push might be all you need...
i recommend the movie " two kinds of love" with ricky schroder, and lindsey waggner..
sorry about the spelling..
jyl
Posted by Poet on October 3, 2003, at 17:03:49
In reply to Why can't I cry?, posted by HannahW on October 3, 2003, at 14:50:04
Hi Hannah,
I rarely cry, either. Yesterday when I came close to quitting therapy I didn't cry until I was in my car. I didn't head home until I stopped crying because my husband has only seen me cry once: when my cat died. That was 8 years ago.
There are many times when I wish I could cry to get the emotional release it brings. I wish I could just let go and cry when I need to, especially in therapy. I mean, that's the one place where it is definitely okay to cry.
Now that I am staying in therapy, maybe when we figure out how I can get self esteem, we can work on why I keep my emotions deep inside me. Hmm, maybe that's why I have no self-esteem? There's no room because I store all those tears?
Therapy is hard, it's why I came close to just giving up. I have trouble with emotions and when my therapist touches on something painful I just clam up. Sit there like a deer caught in the headlights. Wanting to cry, but I can't. Or wanting to run, but I'm afraid. Then we play stare down until she changes the subject. We have one thing that even she now refers to as "what you can't talk about." I think she says that thinking I'll suddenly start blurting it out, but I don't.
Sigh.
I hope it helps you that you have a sister in therapy issues. This site is definitely helping me and I only found it a few weeks ago.
Poet
Posted by Dinah on October 3, 2003, at 18:36:34
In reply to Why can't I cry?, posted by HannahW on October 3, 2003, at 14:50:04
I used to be able to cry easily, but no more. I can cry at my therapist's office - especially his old one. I used to wonder whether that wasn't the chief benefit of therapy.
I try watching tearjerker's and sometimes that helps me almost-cry.
Posted by HannahW on October 3, 2003, at 19:26:06
In reply to Why can't I cry?, posted by HannahW on October 3, 2003, at 14:50:04
Do you think it's somehow skirting the issue to use a false trigger like a movie to cry? I mean, the urge to cry was there for a reason. It sorta seems like we should cry about whatever it is thats making us sad, instead of just seeking the physical release of crying.
For some crazy reason, I'm drawing a parallel to sex. Generally speaking (although certainly not always), when we feel "the urge" for sex it's also related to a need to connect emotionally with our partner. If every time we had that urge, though, we satisfied it alone, we would be missing out on that powerful emotional connection, even though we would have the physical release which relieved the urge.
Does that make sense?
P.S. I am not in any way, shape, or form, saying that solitary sex is bad or unhealthy. In fact, I believe that quite the opposite is true.
Posted by DaisyM on October 3, 2003, at 21:14:04
In reply to Re: Why can't I cry?, posted by HannahW on October 3, 2003, at 19:26:06
I think maybe the lonliness (post above) and inability to cry may be related...sometimes the hurt is so expansive that there isn't room to cry. It wells up...but then ?? One thing I've realized is that being heard in therapy makes it that much more lonely outside of it right now. Too much to process and can't share it with anyone else...at least not yet. Plus, I stay hyper-vigilant so much of the time for those tears. They only want to pop out when I DON'T want them to. Like when someone is genuinely nice to me...
I am really struggling with this. I know I'm holding back my emotions during sessions. I can feel my body lock down, tense and ready. But about 12 hours later, I'm hit with all of them so badly, I want to run for the phone. Of course, I don't...I argue with myself: "don't call, what can he do?"...."call, it will help to not be so alone..." and on and on.I try to bury myself in work and other busy stuff. It is just hard to concentrate sometimes
Yesterday was a really hard session -- Today was a really hard day, so sorry for being gloomy.
-D
Posted by Dinah on October 3, 2003, at 21:16:32
In reply to Re: Why can't I cry?, posted by DaisyM on October 3, 2003, at 21:14:04
Sorry you've had a rough couple of days. It takes a lot of practice to be able to feel while you're in therapy. And even then, I'm usually toast for the rest of the day.
Take care of yourself.
Posted by Adia on October 3, 2003, at 22:04:57
In reply to Why can't I cry?, posted by HannahW on October 3, 2003, at 14:50:04
Hi Hannah..
I too have difficulties letting myself cry or crying when I so feel the urge or need to cry...
I really make an effort and hold back the tears...
When I cry alone I do feel it's a waste of time and it makes me feel so lonely...maybe that's why I try not to cry alone..I find that when I do need to cry, the tears will come somehow...even if they don't come when I want to...I watch a movie or read a book or I watch the news, and I find myself crying with anything....sometimes reading posts here help too ;o)
Sometimes I guess I don't cry because I am afraid of losing control of my emotions or feel terribly lonely and in need of a hug or some comfort..
Maybe you can phone someone and talk to someone and that may help..? I've done that..talk to someone I trust and just cry...or to call my therapist...
In therapy I can't cry when I feel I need to and then it all comes back when I am on the bus coming home...but there have been times in which I can get in touch with my emotions and I let myself cry..I prefer to be able to cry with someone because crying by myself scares me..or makes me feel scared of losing control of my emotions and of feeling hopeless inside..
I do watch a movie or read some book to help me cry sometimes..and even though that triggers the tears it helps to connect with what you're feeling inside...Sometimes if I am with a safe friend or with my therapist, if they touch me, or hold my hand, that helps me to just let go and cry..That gives me..permission to cry...
I am rambling here, just wanted to reply to your post...and let you know I am here for you ...Wishing you lots of healing tears...
Take gentle care,
Adia.
> Sometimes I feel like I'd really like to cry, but not because of any specific event. Just because I feel lonely or bad in some other way. Last night was one of those nights, so I shut myself in my bedroom and laid down to cry. But I couldn't, and that's so frequently the case. I managed to eke out a few tears, but I couldn't cry the heaving, cleansing sobs that I wanted to. There seems to be something about being alone that makes me incapable of crying. I don't know if it's because I feel it's a waste of time, or if it's because there's no one there to comfort me, or if it's just because I hate to contort my face into that crying shape. What's funny is that I used to be able to cry ONLY when I was alone. Now the only time I can cry is when my husband is there, and sometimes not even then. I can't cry in front of anyone else, including my therapist, and rarely even feel the need to cry with anyone else. I'm an impenetrable emotional rock. We're working on that in therapy. :)
>
> But that doesn't explain why I can't cry when I want to. Does anyone else have this problem?
Posted by HannahW on October 3, 2003, at 23:47:58
In reply to Re: Why can't I cry Therapy is Hard » HannahW, posted by Poet on October 3, 2003, at 17:03:49
> my husband has only seen me cry once: when my cat died. That was 8 years ago.
I was always afraid or too embarrassed to cry in front of my husband too. But then after I started to allow myself (or rather, after I started to force myself) to cry in front of him, I found it to be very comforting. Nobody loves me more than he does. He doesn't even seem to notice that I look funny when I cry. If you can, in the name of deepening your intimacy, cry with him, you might be surprised that he doesn't think you're silly and that he loves you all the more.
>
>I wish I could just let go and cry when I need to, especially in therapy. I mean, that's the one place where it is definitely okay to cry.That's going to be a really tough one for me. It's hard to imagine crying while somebody else is in the room, but who doesn't cry with me, or give me a hug, or anything. When/if it happens, I'll feel like an absolute idiot.
>
> Now that I am staying in therapy, maybe when we figure out how I can get self esteem, we can work on why I keep my emotions deep inside me. Hmm, maybe that's why I have no self-esteem? There's no room because I store all those tears?I used to struggle with self-esteem in a big way. I worked on it a lot in therapy a long time ago, and I think the big breakthrough for me was when my therapist told me to think about a little newborn baby. The baby is all wrinkly, and demanding, and never thinks of anyone but herself, but yet she DESERVES love, just because she was born. She didn't earn it in any way. It's just a natural fact that whoever you are, regardless of how needy you are, or what sins you've committed, you DESERVE love because you were born. I always try to carry that with me when I'm tempted to think that I have absolutely nothing to offer anyone.
For me, the refusal to show emotion is a way of life. Most of the time, I don't even realize that I look so stoic. If I don't share my emotions, then I'm not vulnerable to someone rejecting me because of them. It's a defense mechanism that I developed in grade school because I needed it. Now that I'm an adult, and live and work in a safe environment, I don't need that mechanism anymore. But I honestly don't know how to function without it. What does it even look like to show emotions? (Sounds like a good post topic.)
> We have one thing that even she now refers to as "what you can't talk about." I think she says that thinking I'll suddenly start blurting it out, but I don't.
Do you think you'll eventually reach a point where you can finally talk about it? I'm hardly one to give advice here, since I have stuff I hate to talk about too, but whenever I talk about something that feels SO hard to talk about, I found it really wasn't so bad after all, and actually felt pretty good to talk about things that seemed so horrible and secret and dirty and find that the person didn't feel any differently about me afterward. They were only horrible and secret and dirty to me, but not to them.
>
> I hope it helps you that you have a sister in therapy issues. This site is definitely helping me and I only found it a few weeks ago.It absolutely helps! I love having a sister! Thank you for sharing with me. I've also only been here a few weeks, but it helps me tremendously. I'd be nowhere near as far along as I am toward healing if it weren't for the insights of the people on this site, and just for the knowledge that I'm not alone after all.
Posted by stjames on October 4, 2003, at 1:06:51
In reply to Why can't I cry?, posted by HannahW on October 3, 2003, at 14:50:04
If you are on AD's this would be a likly reason.
Posted by HannahW on October 4, 2003, at 15:40:35
In reply to Re: Why can't I cry?, posted by stjames on October 4, 2003, at 1:06:51
> If you are on AD's this would be a likly reason.
I've never heard that before. Where did you find this out?
Posted by justyourlaugh on October 4, 2003, at 17:19:56
In reply to Re: Why can't I cry?, posted by HannahW on October 4, 2003, at 15:40:35
hanna,,
i too experienced the "i just cant cry" when i first started ad's.
it felt like i was a child on a road trip and had few opportunities to pee,,but i couldnt go ,knowing i had too..
i didnt mean to suggest "sappy" movies to cover the reasoning of the pain..
i didnt mean to insult you either..
i was just putting in my 2 cents worth,,:(
j
Posted by HannahW on October 4, 2003, at 22:47:27
In reply to Re: Why can't I cry?, posted by justyourlaugh on October 4, 2003, at 17:19:56
Oh, heavens, did I sound offended? I didn't mean to at all! Sometimes it's so hard to communicate effectively when the only tool you have is a keyboard.
I'm really sorry if I seemed put off. I appreciated your suggestion very much, and I think it's a good one to get the ball rolling. (Or rather, the bawl rolling! LOL)
I was genuinely curious as to whether you had any thoughts about whether it made any difference to cry for a reason other than the "real reason." It was just a hypothesis on my part. I apologize for not wording my post more sensitively.
Posted by Dinah on October 6, 2003, at 10:00:12
In reply to Re: Why can't I cry?, posted by HannahW on October 4, 2003, at 15:40:35
It's a pretty common SSRI side effect. You might do a search on the medication board for SSRI and cry. Or Prozac, Zoloft, etc. and cry or crying.
This is the end of the thread.
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