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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Rigby on August 7, 2003, at 18:03:14
Hi Everyone,
I've been lurking a bit and decided to finally post.
I'm in the process of trying to stop therapy. I began about 18 months ago. I feel a lot better about my life but the one thing I *don't* like is the darn dependency developed on this therapist!
There has always been "chemistry" between my therapist and me (in my opinion) and it seemed like it was somewhat mutual (my gut feel.) At some point she told me I was "special" and that she didn't have this kind of relationship with any of her other clients. When I asked what "kind of relationship" meant she said she wasn't as "close." I figured my instincts were right on about the chemistry.
I've been in the process of trying to leave and last time she said she wanted to apologize for "getting lost" with her boundaries. She said she doesn't think she's done me any good--and she feels that it may be the reason I am feeling conflicted about leaving. She said she had her reasons for messing up boundaries etc. but wasn't going to tell me.
My honest feelings are that I felt chemistry w/ her from the beginning--well before any real therapy began and I would prefer a relationship outside of therapy than w/in. But maybe I should just bag the whole thing. But I'm really "interested" in her.
I know that this kind of thing is totally taboo and I know nothing will come of it but if I had to be honest that's how I feel.
Any thoughts on this would be appreciated--thank you!
Rigby
Posted by fallsfall on August 7, 2003, at 21:40:39
In reply to Opinions, posted by Rigby on August 7, 2003, at 18:03:14
Wow. She messed up. Unfortunately, her mistake will be painful for you. I'm sorry.
At least she admits that she made a mistake.
In my opinion, it would be unethical to have any other kind of relationship with her.
Since she seems honest, does she think that she can help you through the termination? If she can't, you may need to see a new therapist to get through the termination (and then your termination with him/her shouldn't be very hard).
It is really a shame to miss out on chemistry, but I think that you will need to do that this time.
Posted by Rigby on August 8, 2003, at 9:18:41
In reply to Re: Opinions » Rigby, posted by fallsfall on August 7, 2003, at 21:40:39
Hi Fallsfall,
Thanks for the message. Yeah, I'm beginning to feel how painful this all is. I've felt every color of the emotional spectrum it seems--everything from rage to frustration to love and it's not projection or transference either--I can tell what's now and what's then. It also felt like one big mind-f*ck after I met with her last time--at last, after a year and a half she admits to this when all along I've been questioning my instincts? One reason I said I had to leave was that I was beginning to feel I couldn't trust my instincts anymore--now I know why.
> Wow. She messed up. Unfortunately, her mistake will be painful for you. I'm sorry.I think she believes she's the best therapist for me--or at least she did. I do have someone else I talked to about this who said I should try and get through the emotions and be "done" with this current therapist before seeing her.
> Since she seems honest, does she think that she can help you through the termination? If she can't, you may need to see a new therapist to get through the termination (and then your termination with him/her shouldn't be very hard).This also really hurts. I was attracted to her the minute I met her and cut it off the first time I saw her after a few sessions. A year or so later I had a crisis and just went to her--not thinking about this angle. Now I really don't want her to be my therapist but I really want to get to know her. Why isn't a friendship even allowed?
> It is really a shame to miss out on chemistry, but I think that you will need to do that this time.
Posted by Tabitha on August 8, 2003, at 12:08:52
In reply to Opinions, posted by Rigby on August 7, 2003, at 18:03:14
Hi Rigby, yipes, I'm sorry you're in this situation. You might want to know, though, that there are ethical guidelines for therapists dating clients, even after termination. Even if she has feelings for you, she might be not allowed to date you without hurting her professional standing.
Posted by fallsfall on August 8, 2003, at 12:39:58
In reply to Re: Opinions, posted by Rigby on August 8, 2003, at 9:18:41
Friendship isn't allowed because the theraputic relationship has too much of a power imbalance. If you were to become friends, there would be residual imbalance left in the relationship. She would have too much control - and that could so easily lead to abuse.
I can't tell if there is the potential for a sexual relationship between you and your therapist. If that were to be the case then some say there must be a 2 year waiting period and some believe that a therapist may never enter a sexual relationship with a former client. If it were me, and there were a potential sexual attraction, I would completely sever all ties.
If you look at the complexity of your feelings, you might see that this is more complicated than you want to handle. While I'm not aware of bans of platonic relationships with ex-clients, even that seems so very complicated and risky.
I'm glad you talked to someone else about the situation. There is a great book, "In Session" which talks about the therapy relationship (for women, but most of it applies to men, too).
Best of luck
Posted by Rigby on August 10, 2003, at 10:40:51
In reply to Re: Opinions » Rigby, posted by fallsfall on August 8, 2003, at 12:39:58
Hi There,
Interesting. I don't envision her having that control but you're probably right.
> Friendship isn't allowed because the theraputic relationship has too much of a powerI just ordered this book--am very interested in reading it and thanks for the recommending it!!
> I'm glad you talked to someone else about the situation. There is a great book, "In Session" which talks about the therapy relationship (for women, but most of it applies to men, too).Thanks again for all you help!
Rigby
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